What If Husband And Wife Have Different Levels Of Sex Drive?

[whatevergirl]

In my case, its the wife who is not responsive to husband’s need.

If the husband badgers, it is viewed as being selfish so I guess the best thing to do is to leave her in splendid isolation when in bed.

No–it really isn’t the best thing to do…it might seem like the only thing at the time to do–but like anything, couples have to get to the crux of what is causing the disconnect…could it be medical, and the wife/husband is afraid to come to terms with that? Could it be emotional? Could it be something internal from the past, preventing that spouse from surrendering to another person? I struggled with not wanting to give fully to my husband, until I realized that this is what God wants for me to do as his wife, to give myself completely. Now, I’m speaking about repeatedly ignoring or rejecting someone’s needs…that does need to be dealt with in some way–counseling, with a priest, something. Because it really will cause a huge gap in a marriage. Sex is far from the most important thing in a marriage, but it is important in its own way. Now, occasionally saying no is not unreasonable, but saying no repeatedly could indicate that there is an underlying problem, like I mention above, that needs to really be dealt with. Hope that better clarifies my stance on that.

 

[Maxply]

whatevergirl: I think you’re right (I usually like your posts on CA, by the way). I just think it’s ironic that SOME women complain (when in their 20s, about their men’s greater desire level), and then biology puts the complaint on the other foot (in which case, those women who love to bash men all jump up and again say the man’s to blame).

But you’re right; the guy should comply with his wife. Marital duty.

 

[whatevergirl]

whatevergirl: I think you’re right (I usually like your posts on CA, by the way). I just think it’s ironic that SOME women complain (when in their 20s, about their men’s greater desire level), and then biology puts the complaint on the other foot (in which case, those women who love to bash men all jump up and again say the man’s to blame).

But you’re right; the guy should comply with his wife. Marital duty.

Hi Maxply–thank you for your kind words. I think that again, if it is repeated…then, that is where the problem lies. Everyone now and again needs a break. But, it sounds like maria rose’s husband is more ‘not in the mood’ and thus, that dictates the frequency or lack there of, of the marital embrace. And–I think it’s fixable, it just needs to be sorted out, so that they can arrive at a better place with it all. Marriage is sacrificing-but it’s also meant to be a great joy, and self giving. When one person is holding back often–in any realm of the relationship–it can cause damage to the marriage. (not just holding back sexually) It can sometimes be easier to just let it go…and hope it changes, but my husband tried this, and truly…it didn’t change, until we dealt with my issues of sexuality straight on. So too, I have great hope for maria’s marriage and others who are faced with the same issues.

Have a blessed day, Max.

 

[LeahInancsi]

I first read this thread a couple days ago and have been thinking about is since.

The last thing you need to do is to tell your husband that he is not living up to his Biblical responsibility because he is not satisfying you sexually (as someone suggested above). If he is taking antidepressants, the last thing he needs is more guilt if he is a good Catholic man who is trying his hardest to provide for his family. All encouragement should be positive.

 

[Prime]

No–it really isn’t the best thing to do…it might seem like the only thing at the time to do–but like anything, couples have to get to the crux of what is causing the disconnect…could it be medical, and the wife/husband is afraid to come to terms with that? Could it be emotional? Could it be something internal from the past, preventing that spouse from surrendering to another person? I struggled with not wanting to give fully to my husband, until I realized that this is what God wants for me to do as his wife, to give myself completely. Now, I’m speaking about repeatedly ignoring or rejecting someone’s needs…that does need to be dealt with in some way–counseling, with a priest, something. Because it really will cause a huge gap in a marriage. Sex is far from the most important thing in a marriage, but it is important in its own way. Now, occasionally saying no is not unreasonable, but saying no repeatedly could indicate that there is an underlying problem, like I mention above, that needs to really be dealt with. Hope that better clarifies my stance on that.

Basically I agree with you. Every situation is different. This may not be an issue if one is sensitive to Paulinian principle of self-giving to the spouse. What if the the other spouse does not take this to heart? What if any discussion to promote this principle will just end up with ‘selfish motive’ argument?
That’s what made me conclude that in that particular case, it would be better to accept being denied and lead a life of married celibacy. Perhaps this is God’s way of leading us to a path to sanctity.

 

[ateista]

My hubby and i have been married for 14 years. We are both in our forties. He has a very slow drive, meaning sex once a month or less is fine by him. Right now we haven’t been intimate for several months (I think about four). I miss sex and the intimacy. Is it wrong for me ,who has the strong sex drive to satisfy myself on occasion just to relieve the pressure?
Any suggestions/thoughts appreciated! This issue is really bugging me.

I am sure that as an atheist my comment does not carry a lot of weight around here.

But here it comes anyway: your body sends you a message, listen to it. When you are thirsty, you alleviate the thirst by drinking. When you are hungry, you remedy the hunger by eating. When you have sexual urge you fix it… I am sure that God (if there is one) is much more tolerant than the posters here think.

I am always astounded that people think that God is interested in micromanaging our life and considers a little innocent fun a serious “offense”. It is so demeaning to think about God to be a “Peeping Tom” whose main concern is your sexual fulfillment. But, do as you feel the best for yourself. I feel sorry for your predicament.

Just be happy that it is not the other way round. Then the posters would probably advise you to give in the sexual urges of your husband…

 

[amymariagoretti]

Maria,
I feel for you and your husband both. I am the spouse who takes the antidepressant, as well as the one who has the lesser (much lesser sometimes) drive. My DH and I have been married 12 years, and it is a huge source of trouble. We both pray for a healthy marriage, including that part of our marriage. It is a huge cross to bear, as you said. Rather than “pleasing himself”, he uses his frustration as an offering/sacrifice for me to feel well enough to be intimate. God is stronger than me, and this has helped our marriage.

Try using your temptation as a sacrifice for your husband’s lack of drive. Everytime you have that urge, say an immediate prayer for this intention. God will reward you.
Praying for you…
Amy

thank you kindly for your posts and encouragements.
My hubby is on an antidepressant. Maybe that has something to do with it. He is very loving and affectionate, just doesn’t want sex.
yes, i agree it is a cross.
We have three children, two boys with Autism and a daughter.
and a lot of financial woes. i bet stress is a factor too. Please pray for us. I miss him so much.

 

[Chancellare]

I am sure that God (if there is one) is much more tolerant than the posters here think.

I am always astounded that people think that God is interested in micromanaging our life and considers a little innocent fun a serious “offense”. It is so demeaning to think about God to be a “Peeping Tom” whose main concern is your sexual fulfillment. But, do as you feel the best for yourself. I feel sorry for your predicament.

I’m glad you have a mature view of God even a conditional one.
Any alternative IF there is none?

 

[ateista]

I’m glad you have a mature view of God even a conditional one.
Any alternative IF there is none?

I am nor sure what you mean. Do you mean what is the alternative if there is no God? In that case whatever she does in the privacy of her home is her own business. If she wants to discuss it with her husband, that is fine. If she wants to keep it to herself, that is fine, too. Even though I am not a counselor, I could give her a few practical advices, but definitely not on an open board.

But, as I said, I am not sure what your question is about.

 

[DailyBread]

Because God does not care with what you do with His designs… right… so He should not care if I waste food… or if I smoke pot… or if I decide to kill an endangered spieces because of hunger… or if I want to burn my garbage… yeah moral relativism does not work even for the most liberal folks. The thing is that God does care what we do because we are stewards of a gift. Pleasure is supposed to be a gift that one recieves for doing God’s will. Stealing it without serving God, is like cheating on an exam so you can get a reward you do not deserve… and then the reward is empty.
I think ultimately your heart is restless (you want to believe in an all Loving God), and it will remian restless until it rests in God . Bless you in your search for the Truth (hint: Jesus Christ)

 

[ateista]

The thing is that God does care what we do because we are stewards of a gift.

If that is so, then she is obligated to take good care of this gift. Not to neglect her problems, be they physical or mental. It is the ultimate of bad stewardship to act otherwise, to allow depression to set in due to her unfulfilled needs.

Pleasure is supposed to be a gift that one recieves for doing God’s will.

Supposed to? Pleasure is the spice of life. To give and receive pleasure is what makes life worth living. To create your own - WITHOUT hurting anyone else - is the way to go, if there is no one else to share it with, which - of course - is quite sad.

Stealing it without serving God, is like cheating on an exam so you can get a reward you do not deserve… and then the reward is empty.

What a strange comparision!