What if the family doesn't approve?

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Lexee15

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Hi everyone,

Here we go again:banghead:, it’s my sister. I did the AAA, but haven’t gotten a response…so I would like to post my question here. It’s kind of long and a bit of a rant…sorry:o.

My sister is dead set on marrying her son’s father…in October of 2007 she hated him, couldn’t stand to hear his voice…all of the sudden in December of 2007 she’s in love with him:whacky: :bigyikes:.

She lied about it until I accidentally found out in mid February, I told her how I felt and that I would not approve or be part of her “marrying” a married man. I also told her that I was only going to talk to her about this once, that it was her life and she could do what she wanted, but that our relationship would change, and it has.

She had my nephew while he was still married, she left him when my nephew was 8 months old because he wouldn’t get a divorce, my nephew will be 5 in a couple of weeks, she’s been living with my parents this whole time. He has paid a total of $2000 in child support the 4+ years she’s lived with my parents. He tried to get her arrested, she almost called CPS to falsely accuse him of child abuse…now they’re “in love”…makes me sick.

He plans on marrying her in the RCC because that’s what she wants…he’s blatantly anti-catholic and hates our Blessed Mother. He talked to my mom and dad and they both told him that they did not approve and would not be part of such a lie. They told him that they can do what they want cause they’re old enough to make their own decisions…but not to expect them to be part of this farse. Now they’re claiming that he’s never been married:rolleyes:, but I think his wife of 12 years would disagree. They are just looking for loopholes to be able to marry in the RCC since he’s not Catholic.

I was wondering if the Church ever takes into consideration the objections of the family? I know sometimes the objections are not justified, but in this case we know he’s been married and they are making stuff up to be able to marry in the RCC, and he would NEVER raise his kids Catholic, but I’m sure he’ll say yes just to get past that little requirement:mad:. He’s been a jerk with my parents this whole time, and it wasn’t until I made a gesture of peace that he semi-stopped being a jerk with them and my sister. This guy also owes the IRS about $500,000 in unpaid taxes, he doesn’t “believe in the federal government” so he hasn’t filed a tax return in years.

Anyway, I’d like to get your opinions on this and if you’ve encountered a similar situation. I’m sure the Church doesn’t have a specific teaching on this, just wondering what the stance might be. Also, if he did go through the proper channels and his previous marriage was found invalid by a Tribunal…I still don’t think we’d be ok with it…accept it yes…ok with it no.
 
Lex, I know how you feel, but my first inclination is to remind you that when you were married to Mr. Jerk, I am sure a LOT of people didn’t like him once they knew him. As much as you would like to swoop down and save her from this fate (as would we all!), she’s a big girl, so to speak. She made her choices.

As it happens, if you have the proof they were both married and one and/ or both did not receive a decree of nullity, you need to wait until they have a parish and a date. Then you need to take the proof to the priest.

She is going to hate you for quite a bit, but I think you are all a little beyond that now.

I will pray for her, Sweetie. I am always praying for you.
 
both parties are required to submit proof of free status in order to get permission to marry in the Catholic Church. If the facts surrounding this man’s first marriage are not know to the pastor, make sure he is informed. you can simply call and ask him for an appointment and explain your concerns. he will not and cannot discuss your sister’s affairs with you, but at least he will have the info.

other than that not much you or your parents can do except stop enabling your sister. You and your parents are probably both correct in your assessment of the situation and in your reaction.
hopefully you can express this in a loving way to your sister, but even if you manage that, don’t expect her to respond in kind. be prepared for a rift and even for being prevented from seeing her child.
 
Lexee15 said:
Hi everyone,

This guy also owes the IRS about $500,000 in unpaid taxes, he doesn’t “believe in the federal government” so he hasn’t filed a tax return in years.
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You can anonymously contact the IRS and give them this information. That will then keep him busy for awhile! – maybe too busy to plan a wedding.😃
 
Catholic90 said:
You can anonymously contact the IRS and give them this information. That will then keep him busy for awhile! – maybe too busy to plan a wedding.😃
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I had this thought but was trying to be charitable. if you do it,
do it before they get civilly married so she does not become liable. maybe a phone call to the dept. in your state that goes after deadbeat dads would also be in order. if he marries her, in some places he won’t be liable for past child support.
 
You can anonymously contact the IRS and give them this information. That will then keep him busy for awhile! – maybe too busy to plan a wedding.
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This is a good idea. Not only because of the distraction it will cause, but because he’s a tax evader. If he and sis get married, when the IRS comes looking for him (and they will), they might contact your family anyway.

Then contact the priest if wedding arrangements are made.

A few years ago, a Catholic priest in a north-eastern state was going to perform a unity ceremony for a couple of lesbian women seeking to wed each other in the Catholic Church. One of these gals is extended in-law family. When my mom got the invitation, she called the Bishop of that diocese.

The church wedding plans collapsed. The family member was LIVID. They cobbled something together anyway, but at least profound sacrilege was averted.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Lex, I know how you feel, but my first inclination is to remind you that when you were married to Mr. Jerk, I am sure a LOT of people didn’t like him once they knew him. As much as you would like to swoop down and save her from this fate (as would we all!), she’s a big girl, so to speak. She made her choices.

As it happens, if you have the proof they were both married and one and/ or both did not receive a decree of nullity, you need to wait until they have a parish and a date. Then you need to take the proof to the priest.

She is going to hate you for quite a bit, but I think you are all a little beyond that now.

I will pray for her, Sweetie. I am always praying for you.
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Thank you so much!!! I know that the only thing that will stop this is the calvary from heaven and believe me…we have been storming heaven with prayers in hopes of a miracle.

The funny thing is NO ONE advised me not to marry my JERK:eek:!!! If someone had I think I would’ve seriously considered it as I was not hell bent on marrying him. People didn’t like him until after we split up…I didn’t tell others…except you guys here on CAF, who he really was. People didn’t find out about what he did until our separation and even now, many people don’t know that we’re almost divorced…I’m a pretty private person.

As soon as I find out where they plan on marrying I will take my proof to the priest…it just irks me to no end that they want to “use” the RCC and that she has no respect for the Church. She just wants it to look like she did it the “right” way and that we’re just unreasonable people that don’t “support” her.

Get this…I told her that if she was messing around with a married man she better not be receiving communion and my mom told her the same thing…everytime I’ve been to mass with her she doesn’t receive communion and my mom told me the same thing…what does this tell me…that she acknowledges that he’s married or that she’s fornicating…one of the two:shrug:.

I know she’ll hate me, but I told her that my loyalty was to God first and her second and that I wasn’t going to hell just because she “felt” like this was the man she wanted to marry. I also told her that it hurt me and that I love her and will be there when she needs me…she doesn’t need me for this, and I will not help her put her soul in jeapordy.
 
puzzleannie said:
both parties are required to submit proof of free status in order to get permission to marry in the Catholic Church. If the facts surrounding this man’s first marriage are not know to the pastor, make sure he is informed. you can simply call and ask him for an appointment and explain your concerns. he will not and cannot discuss your sister’s affairs with you, but at least he will have the info.

other than that not much you or your parents can do except stop enabling your sister. You and your parents are probably both correct in your assessment of the situation and in your reaction.
hopefully you can express this in a loving way to your sister, but even if you manage that, don’t expect her to respond in kind. be prepared for a rift and even for being prevented from seeing her child.
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What’s going to hurt me the most is not being able to see my nephew/Godson and that my son won’t be able to see him, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I have to, how can I proclaim to live as a Catholic to the best of my ability and then be ok with something like this? I love her…but not more than God and His commandments, I do pray that I am always charitable and loving in my interactions with her and that the Holy Spirit take over when I speak with her…otherwise I’d probably punch her lights out:blush: :whistle:, maybe that would bring her to senses:p.
 
Yes, the Church does take into considerations the objections of the family, especially proof of a prior marriage. That is the purpose of publishing the banns of marriage.

I am sure that his marriage license is on file with the county clerk’s office. Contact the priest, and inform him of the man’s marriage.
 
In Illinois, marriage licenses are not public record. One has to be a party of the marriage, or have a court order, or the marriage is so old that it just doesn’t matter any more.

HOWEVER, I know Texas and Nevada marriage records are public, and even database searchable.

Not sure about California…
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
In Illinois, marriage licenses are not public record. One has to be a party of the marriage, or have a court order, or the marriage is so old that it just doesn’t matter any more.

HOWEVER, I know Texas and Nevada marriage records are public, and even database searchable.

Not sure about California…
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Don’t think this is true.

According to the Illinois Vital Record website, for $5 you can obtain any copy.
idph.state.il.us/vitalrecords/marriageinfo.htm
Certified copies of marriage records are available from the county clerk in the county where the marriage occurred. (List of county vital records Web sites or county clerk addresses.) The Illinois Department of Public Health (IDPH), Division of Vital Records does not issue certified copies of marriage records.
For a $5 fee, IDPH, Division of Vital Records can verify the facts of a marriage that has taken place from 1962 through the current index date available. Verifications can be obtained by mail, by fax or in person.
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Yes, and when you complete the form, you have to send along a copy of your driver’s license. And when you print out the form and sign it on Vitalchek, you have to swear or affirm you are a person who is entitled to order the document; in the case of marriage, one of the parties, or a descendent doing research. I am going to double-check ILCS 750, but I am telling you, I had to do this when I got a copy of my marriage license, and I live in Illinois.

OK, I double-checked. The marriage record can only be issued to the parties. I have three cites: 1.) Will County Vital Records (Kane and DuPage were busy). 2.) Will County Clerk Web Site. 3.) VitalChek: vitalchek.com/product_selection.aspx
Who Can Order?
Copies of Will County marriage records will only be issued to the parties to the marriage.
 
OK, obviously I need a new hobby, but the whole question just intrigued me!😃

In most states, Vital Statistics handles birth, death and marriage certificates. These are usually locked up on a need-to-know basis. HOWEVER (dump-dee-dee-dum!) the circuit clerk handles divorce decrees and anything having to do with visitation. These records are not only per page at the circuit clerk’s office, and the vast majority it seems are public files. In a lot of circuit clerks, all the information is online, and involves a couple of clicks to get abstracts. Abstracts should be enough proof for a priest to have cause to investigate further, and the price is right (free). If not, because they are public records, anybody can go in and get a copy of anybody else’s divorce decree. Who knew?

I just went to the Cook County web site. I found out more about one of my sister’s divorces than I ever wanted to know, and about the go-round with her ex-husband and his present wife. I found out more than I needed to know about my SIL’s divorce and subsequent loss of custody of her son and daughter, along with my late father-in-law’s divorce through the California courts web sites.

Thing about the divorce decree- It states the date of the marriage.

And I am not lawyer, nor do I play one on TV. This is just stuff I discovered through my own research.
 
Lexee… I turned in my ex for tax fraud… it kept him busy for a while and yes they will make him set up a payment plan… it was as easy as a phone call and a letter for me… they want to know everything you know about the person… address, phone, employer, etc… the sad thing is that you don’t get a report on the outcome…
 
the sad thing is that you don’t get a report on the outcome…
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Sad, yes, but if he’s too busy to marry sis or if he flees, that’s all the report Lexee needs!

Lexee, I’ll pray you’ll be able to continue your relationship with your nephew.
 
I forgot!!! I did this to my ex-son-in-law!!! How I could forget this I don’t know. It was the year after I sent him his things he left behind with a COD fee attached to each box. But yes, it works really well to keep somebody hopping.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Lex, I know how you feel, but my first inclination is to remind you that when you were married to Mr. Jerk, I am sure a LOT of people didn’t like him once they knew him. As much as you would like to swoop down and save her from this fate (as would we all!), she’s a big girl, so to speak. She made her choices.

As it happens, if you have the proof they were both married and one and/ or both did not receive a decree of nullity, you need to wait until they have a parish and a date. Then you need to take the proof to the priest.

She is going to hate you for quite a bit, but I think you are all a little beyond that now.

I will pray for her, Sweetie. I am always praying for you.
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Couldn’t agree more.

The far more intriguing question is what in the world went on with you two sisters growing up that led you both to be attracted to such spectacularly dishonest and destructive men…
 
Island_Oak said:
Couldn’t agree more.

The far more intriguing question is what in the world went on with you two sisters growing up that led you both to be attracted to such spectacularly dishonest and destructive men…
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Oh, believe me when I say I’ve asked myself the same thing many times:blush: 🤷. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my parents especially my dad. He pretty much just put food on the table and a roof over our head and fought with my mom constantly:shrug:, I don’t know…all I know now is that I’ve learned from my mistakes and pray for the grace of God to never repeat them:o.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
I forgot!!! I did this to my ex-son-in-law!!! How I could forget this I don’t know. It was the year after I sent him his things he left behind with a COD fee attached to each box. But yes, it works really well to keep somebody hopping.
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What did you do to your ex-son-in-law…I think I missed it:o.
 
Lexee15 said:
What did you do to your ex-son-in-law…I think I missed it:o.
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Got the IRS on him. It does work. He tried to claim the girls awhile back. I did it about the time I sent him his stuff he left behind COD.
 
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