What if we can't get our marriage validated?

[davidmoram]

Hi there everyone!

I am a recent convert to Catholicism (baptized Easter this year) and I have been living in chastity with my wife for 18 months now, since being advised of our sinful state by our priest.

My wife and I have been married for ten years and have two children together. We have both been married before, briefly, and both of us were divorced nearly twenty years ago, long before we met each other.

We are currently both pursuing annulments in order to have our marriage validated, however, the process has taken more than a year already and we are nowhere near a successful conclusion in either case. In fact, in the case of my wife’s first marriage, there is still doubt regarding whether an annulment can even be applied for, as she does not know where her first husband lives and is no longer in contact with anyone who knew her at the time of her first wedding.

I fully accept the Church’s teaching on this, and both my wife and I are prepared to live in chastity for as long as it takes, even if that is the rest of our lives. However, I confess that I have trouble understanding exactly what it is that God wants from me.

Is wanting to stay with my wife sinful? Would God prefer me to leave my wife and children? Should I be trying to reconcile with my first wife (and break up her happy re-marriage with children of their own)?

I love my wife and my children and I want to do what’s best for them. But I also love God and want to please him. To be permanently barred from receiving Holy Communion would not be acceptable to me … now I have found the True Faith I want fully to be a part of it.

But I also worry about the long-term effect on our married life and our children of our denying ourselves and each other of proper marital relations. Is that really what our Loving Father wants for us?

Very confused … please advise!

 

[Will_B]

My advise… Pray

Keep doing what you are doing… You love your wife, you have a great family… Don’t quit… I wouldn’t think about getting back with your first wife…

Pray

Your wife’s first husband… Try to find out if he is dead or alive, and if alive where is he…

Pray

Then ask your parish priest to seek an acceleration on the annulment process… Keep on asking, week after week if possible… Go and seek an appointment with your bishop.

Pray

Jesus said, “Knock and it shall be opened, seek and you will find”… I think he is telling you to be precistant…

Pray

In the long run, you and your wife will be blessed.

 

[KCT]

But I also worry about the long-term effect on our married life and our children of our denying ourselves and each other of proper marital relations. Is that really what our Loving Father wants for us?

Relations are proper only if your marriage is proper. I’d focus on the graces you are receiving for being so faithful in such a difficult circumstance. Your fidelity has eternal consequences for you and your children.

God bless you for being so faithful to Church teaching.

 

[JB1]

Well,

I can see you are in obvious pain. let me say this though - it is good you are coming to the church!. But, while it is i hard, you should listen to the priest. When 2 non-catholics are married ourside the church, I believe it’s almost always considered a real marriage, and in that case, it makes it harder to recieve an annulment. The fact that you have been together now for so long and have childen makes it all the harder because you may have to hear from the priest that your orevious marriage - or hers- is valid and you are not ever going to be in a “real” marriage with eachother.

But, also on a side note - no you should not go try to break up your ex’s happy marriage. I don’t know what your faith was before, but from what you say, I doubt your past religion had a problem with the divorce and her remarriage. That would make her remarriage in whatever church you used to belong to valid - and you would then be breaking up a valid marriage - if that makes sense. It gets really messy when dealing with marriages in other churches - and I admit sometimes I don’t even fully understand where the church is coming from, and yes it is hard. Just keep speaking with your priest and he will help you.

I hope this straightens out for you soon.

 

[savienu]

I will be praying for you. I had to consider this briefly too, as my husband was married before me and when we returned to the church, they had to confirm it wasn’t a valid marriage. They did indeed confirm that, but the thoughts you are having are definitely ones that I had for awhile.

 

[davidmoram]

Bless you all for your upbuilding comments and support. I think I knew the answer really, but it is so encouraging to be reminded that we are not alone in our trials.

We will continue to pray for a speedy resolution to our situation, and for the strength to continue doing the right thing in our marriage. It is just so difficult, as we hoped to have more children, but I suppose God will have other blessings in store for us if we remain faithful to His will.

Thank you all once again!

 

[puzzleannie]

all I can tell you, having walked with couples through this journey many many times, is that whatever happens, you will be immensely graced by God, individually and as a family, through obedience, patience and trust in his mercy. doing things the right way will be of benefit in ways to deep and wide to calculate, no matter how long it takes. you are learning the essential truth of the Christian life, openness and willing, loving humble submission and obedience to God’s will for you, moment to moment and day by day. be patient. pray, trust. obey. You are learning essential, vital lessons about family and marital love that can come no other way, and the good resulting is enormous.