What if you miss your vocation?

[John_Q_Sinner]

What if you discerned the religious life but let yourself drift away? I was getting very serious about becoming a nun, but I already had a boyfriend and I got confused about which way God was calling me. I ended up getting married. On my wedding day, I did feel at peace, I felt happy and I felt like this was right for me. But then, I read somewhere that God invites all people to religious life and that you can say no but you shouldn’t. This is very unsettling to me. Plus, I do I do feel this ache in my chest sometimes and I feel regret. I really identify with Zelie Martin who also spoke of crying over the fact that she wasn’t able to become a nun, but unlike Zelie who had prohibitive health problems and who had God specifically point out her future spouse, I feel like I had much less legitimate reasons for turning away from religious life. It’s not that I’m unhappy all the time, I only feel that way sometimes.

Also, I heard it said somewhere that people are able to miss their vocation in life, and if they do miss it, they will never live up to the potential that they were created for. I’m very scared that this means that I messed up by getting married and that now I’m only operating at like 70% or something, that’s how it makes me feel. Is God dissatisfied with me because I didn’t choose the greater part? I know He loves me always, but I feel like maybe I messed up and disappointed Him and now there’s no way for me to make it right?

Again, I’m not unhappy overall, I love my husband, he’s a good man, I’m looking forward to having children and raising them. I’m looking to Zelie Martin as my example. I’m just having trouble putting my disappointment to rest, like I settled for second best and now I’m stuck with it? I mean, St. Faustina writes that the souls of the religious are like the moon compared to the stars. Did I miss my chance to shine like the moon because I failed to become a nun?

Edit: It’s been a while since I’ve been to these forums and I was looking over some old posts. Someone gave me a rather eloquent reply to at least part of this question before here: forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=8091607&postcount=33

But I still can’t shake that feeling of inferiority/lost opportunity.

No you didn’t miss the chance to shine like the moon. The moon does not produce its own light, it reflects the light of the sun. Being a religious does not automatically make someone a moon. They must participate with the sun to be a useful moon and to have any light at all. A wife who likewise puts all her faith, hope, and love toward the Son of God will likewise become and shine like a moon.

Plus without mothers there would be no religious.

 

[FFI_Griswold]

Ave Maria!

Can you choose the wrong vocation? Yes. Will you go to hell for it? No. Can you still live a happy life and become a saint? Yes, but…

Saints and Doctors of the Church (e.g. St. Alphonsus de Liguori) have written that if one is called to religious life and does not follow this vocation due to their own neglect, they will not be as fulfilled in any other vocation. One can still become a saint, but with greater difficulty.

Often today people will say that it’s all the same because God forgives and He makes everything as great as if you never made a mistake - no consequences whatsoever. It is not the same because God designed you to be most fulfilled in a certain state and how He designed you does not change. This mentality can lead people to neglect religious life because they assume there are no consequences to choosing otherwise.

If God did intend you to be a religious but you’ve long since chose otherwise, then you can accept that you made a mistake. We make mistakes, repent of them, learn from them, and move forward in peace. God is forgiving. He is loving and merciful. He will provide the graces necessary for you to become a saint. You can raise saints and help others to become saints, teaching them that there are consequences to the choices we make. Ave Maria!

Mary, Mother of Vocations, pray for us!

fra John Paul

 

[FFI_Griswold]

Ave Maria!

Happy feast of St. Francis Xavier Cabrini! She desired to become a nun and was denied several times, but she persevered in the virtues and it wasn’t until later that God fulfilled her wishes. She also became the first US citizen to be canonized.

I hope that the use of “mistake” was not taken too harshly. It may not be the most sensitive wording to use with one’s family so I apologize. My intention was to warn those discerning that it’s possible to choose a vocation that God did not intend for them, so they must discern very carefully with a spiritual director to see if they are being called to a supernatural vocation. What may seem scary at first unfolds to give you the greatest peace and happiness you could ever imagine.

"Yes, without doubt, he who is not called to the religious state may serve God in every place, but not he who is called to it, and then from his own inclination wishes to remain in the world; such a one, as I have said above, can with difficulty serve God and lead a good life." -from “Counsels on the Religious Vocation” by St. Alphonsus Liguori, Bishop and Doctor of the Church.

But I still can’t shake that feeling of inferiority/lost opportunity.

Dear Sister,

Take heart, because unless you confirmed with your spiritual director that it was indeed God’s will for you to become a religious, it may just be a temptation (a spritual director can also identify this and help you through). In either case, don’t despair about what if, or that you messed up, or that God is dissatisfied with you. The love and forgiveness of God is beyond our comprehension. If Our Lady loves you, Her child, more than the love of all the mothers in the world combined, how much does God Himself not want you to despair about the past, but to live for today and the next? No, you can’t redo the past, but yes, you can make the future right by becoming the best wife, mother, and saint that you can be.

“It is for the devil and his ilk to be sad; but for us always to rejoice in the Lord.” -St. Francis of Assisi.

Perhaps if you have the desire to live like a contemplative religious, you can instead imitate St. Francis Xavier Cabrini by cultivating the interior life of a contemplative soul while fulfilling the duties of the active life. While not detracting in any way from the duties of your family and state, wouldn’t it be nice to hear, regarding your prayer life and practice of virtues, “Mom, you’re practicallly like a nun!”

Turn to Our Lady. Consecrate yourself to Her. Frequent the Sacraments. Pray the Rosary everyday. Read the lives of the saints as their many examples will inspire you to keep moving forward. Meditate on the Passion of Our Lord. Read Scripture, etc. These are what religious do, and what you can do also!

Mary Mother of Vocations, pray for us! St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, pray for us! Ave Maria!

fra John Paul

 

[TiggerS]

Vocation per se is only ever an invitation from God - we can either say Yes or decline. The Lord is not like us humans sometimes and a bit put out if one declines an invitation and the one who invites not as friendly as before. a bit put out by a decline of invitation. There is nothing whatsoever of command about God’s invitations and command indicates that there is some sort of penalty for failing to obey the command. If there is some sort of penalty for not following The Lord’s invitation then it is no longer an invitation, but a Divine Command, which vocational calling is not.

Whichever way we choose to serve Him, no matter what it is, He will be with us fully in every way leading us to holiness. If one is lacking fulfilment in one’s particular vocation, very often it is a matter more for counselling in spiritual direction - the fault or failure for lack of fulfilment within oneself, not brought about by The Lord as some sort of penalty.

 

[TiggerS]

I would just like to clarify something. A vocation to the priesthood or consecrated life is not the most common, it is uncommon and a very special Grace and calling that The Lord is offering one with all the necessary Graces to support one in what can be a difficult way of life in the normal run of things. While to refuse such an invitation is not a matter of mortal sin ever (since vocation is invitation not command) it might be the subject of venial sin - most often it is imperfection, not sin.
If one is in doubt, it is best to bring it to the Confessional. And best to bring it to the Confessional anyway.
What most often happens however, is that at the actual time of receiving the call the one called is not fully aware of what they are doing in declining - only hindsight reveals it. The Lord takes account of this with Loving Mercy. One did not have at the time the lights one now has which have occurred only with hindsight.
We need to remember too, that with a good Confession, one is returned to that state of Grace as if the sin had not occurred in the first place, so complete is the Mercy of The Lord.
The Lord is not miserly and mean. If one declines His initial invitation to priesthood or consecrated life and chooses some other state in life in which to Love and serve Him, He will fully support one with all the Graces necessary for holiness. If one becomes aware at some point of what they have done in declining a special and uncommon vocation in the past, then the best thing is to take it to the Confessional.

If one is experiencing lack of fulfilment and unhappiness in their chosen vocation whatever it may be, then one should seek out spiritual direction. Most often these previous negative dispositions are due to something within oneself and one needs counselling. It is not some sort of punishment inflicted by The Lord.

A point to consider too is that vocation is less about fulfilment and happiness than it is about holiness and The Lord’s invitation to journey to holiness in a certain state in life. If our primary objective in life is fulfilment and happiness, then we are probably in need of spiritual direction. Certainly, holiness of life will bring fulfilment and happiness as a sort of by product of holiness of life and this includes a correct spiritual perspective on suffering and The Cross in one’s life.

 

[SecretGarden]

God calls us all to a specific journey that is filled with twists and turns. It has been my experience that nothing we live or encounter will ever go to waste. It is certain that we will make mistakes, turn away from God and grow even closer with him as well.

I know several women who were nuns before they left and got married. I also know many priests who had girl friends before they joined the seminary.

Life is a journey that is meant to be lived and enjoyed.

 

[Saralinda]

I was never attracted to the religious life in my teens. I married at the age of 20. Occasionally, I have wondered if I made the correct decision but after 42 yrs of marriage, there has been too much time and too much life to regret. I figure God put me where he wanted me. If something happened to my husband, that would be a different discussion. I think it is perfectly normal to 2nd guess yourself, but I don’t think God would ever lead you astray.

 

[francisco2]

Hi.
First of all, may the Lord give you His peace.

I can understand what you’re going through. I entered the Augustinian seminary, but after two years I left. And ever since that day, I have been wondering if I made the right choice. You really miss the feeling that God fills every moment of your day.

Nevertheless, I have realized that my discernment hasn’t ended. I learned that I have to live the moment I’m in. Now I’m studying, but maybe later I will come back to religious life. Or maybe not, I don’t know. It’s important to appreciate your actual state, and try to avoid worrying too far ahead. Try to find holiness today. Spend some time in prayer, with Our Lord in the Tabernacle. Learn to live the Eucharist, not just attend it. As some people say, may you have a holy thirst for God and a holy hunger for the Eucharist. Be aware of the presence of God throughout your day. Having a personal devotion can be really helpful. And to look for a spiritual director or confessor is always a good idea in situations like this.

Now, the call to religious life is a call to a special form of consecration, but remember that every Christian is consecrated to God by Baptism. Holiness can be achieved in any state of life.
But religious life is NOT for everyone. You have to let the Holy Spirit work on your heart. If you keep your soul closed to God, you cannot be a holy religious. The call to sainthood is open to everybody, and it can be achieved in single life, in married life or in consecrated life.
The life of St. Rita of Cascia can help you. Maybe as she lived first as a married woman and later entered into religious life, so later you can too. Who knows? Only God. Saint Augustine of Hippo also had a similar experience. “Late have I loved you, oh Beauty ever ancient and ever new…” (Conf. X, 27, 38).

Particularly, you say, “Is God dissatisfied with me because I didn’t choose the greater part? I know He loves me always, but I feel like maybe I messed up and disappointed Him and now there’s no way for me to make it right?”. All I can say is that God works in mysterious ways. His only disappointment would be your choice to stay away from Him.

I’d be very happy to help you if you want to keep on talking about this. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
May God bless you abundantly.

Francisco

 

[TiggerS]

I can understand what you’re going through. I entered the Augustinian seminary, but after two years I left. And ever since that day, I have been wondering if I made the right choice. You really miss the feeling that God fills every moment of your day.

Hi Francisco
One does not have to enter religious life to give every moment to God. It is a matter of focus and application of one’s life, one’s intention. Admittedly possibly only the actual FEELING of giving every moment to God and that He fills every moment of the day can be lacking due to the fact that life in the laity, for example, and in secular living does not have the continual almost general and overall community focus and understanding, supports, that religious life has. And perhaps it is only in our day that The Church has turned her focus to the laity, for example, to underscore that it can indeed be a life of very real holiness giving oneself wholly to God as indeed we all should since all have a call to holiness. This is only a turning of focus of The Church, since holiness of life in all vocations has always been a very real possibility.
Human feelings and reality do not of necessity coincide. The reality is that God sustains us in being and is with us in every moment and event of our lives.

I also entered monastic life and chose to leave myself - and for quite a few years FELT at a loss, a complete loss - until reading probably in the main “Abandonment to Divine Providence” that I came to understand. The theology of Divine Providence is a doctrine of The Church and is found in the Catholic Catechism here scborromeo.org/ccc/p1s2c1p4.htm#324 (scroll down to Para 302 - 314 “God Carries Out His Plan: Divine Providence”)

“Abandonment to Divine Providence” (Jean Pierre de Caussade SJ) is online here : ccel.org/ccel/decaussade/abandonment

TS

 

[His_helpmeet]

First of all, I don’t think you “missed” your vocation. As a child, for example, I felt very strongly called to the religious life. However, when I was 16, my grandfather passed away due to terminal cancer, and my father was diagnosed with cancer (non-fatal) less than 3 months after his death. At that point, I realized that God had called me to become a nurse.

My personal belief is that God has a plan for each of us. Whether or not we choose to accept that plan is up to us. But one thing is sure, His plan is the surest and most direct route to holiness and will give us the most happiness and fulfillment in this life. It is certainly possible to achieve holiness and happiness in choosing a different path, but it can be more difficult.

My husband chose to marry a girl he’d known online for 8 months and in person for only a few weeks. He’d stayed with her for 3 weeks, went back to his own country (he’s from England; we live in Canada) and settled his affairs, then came back and moved in with her. They had been living together for about 6 weeks and realized they weren’t very compatible and didn’t have much in common. They were thinking about calling off their engagement (they had been engaged since he came to see her the first time) when they found out she was pregnant. He decided to marry her because he wanted the baby to have a father who would be around (he wanted to legitimize their baby, and he also knew that the only way he could stay in Canada was if he was legally married to his baby’s mother). Even though it was a marriage of convenience, he tried his best to be faithful to his vows. His wife had an affair and left him when their daughter was almost 4. Eventually, they were divorced, he received a declaration of nullity, and he married me. My beautiful stepdaughter lives with us half-time and gets along very well with me; I am very blessed to have her in my life. My point is that, even if we make bad choices, God can use those bad choices to bring about good. My husband and I believe that God created us with the intention that we should marry each other, if we followed His will. He used my husband’s disastrous first marriage to bring about my husband’s meeting me, because he chose to remain in Canada so he could be a good father to his daughter - and it turned out that I was living only an hour’s drive away from him.

Remember the verse from Romans: “We know that all things work together unto good for they that love God, that are called according to His purpose.” Remember, also, this quote from Bl. Teresa of Calcutta: “Holiness does not consist in doing extraordinary things. It consists in accepting, with a smile, what Jesus sends us. It consists in accepting and following the Will of God.”

 

[DanielJT]

Consider this:

God took the tragedy that was the betrayal, torture, and killing of His Only Son and turned it into salvation for all mankind.

I thought I was going to be a priest for a short while, and now have two beautiful daughters.

God turns all things to good, even if you do not let Him. But I say let Him. Then you get to enjoy it as well.

 

[FFI_Griswold]

Ave Maria!

On the feast of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I re-read the account in the Mystical City of God and not only is it very beautiful, but Our Lady’s exhortation to Venerable Mary of Agreda regarding her vocation has some striking words. (The Mystical City of God is an outstanding work and has been praised by popes and saints. Some rank it up there with The Imitation of Christ as the most important book next to the Bible.)

Our Lady says to her,

My daughter, the greatest happiness, which can befall any soul in this mortal life, is that the Almighty call her to his house consecrated to his service. For by this benefit He rescues the soul from a dangerous slavery and relieves her of the vile servitude of the world, where, deprived of true liberty, she eats her bread in the sweat of her brow. Who is so dull and insipid as not to know the dangers of the worldly life, which is hampered by all the abominable and most wicked laws and customs introduced by the astuteness of the devil and the perversity of men? The better part is religious life and retirement; in it is found security, outside is a torment and a stormy sea, full of sorrow and unhappiness. Through the hardness of their heart and the total forgetfulness of themselves men do not know this truth and are not attracted by its blessings. But thou, O soul, be not deaf to the voice of the Most High, attend and correspond to it in thy actions: I wish to remind thee, that one of the greatest snares of the demon is to counteract the call of the Lord, whenever he seeks to attract and incline the soul to a life of perfection in his service.

The last words are what really caught my attention, " I wish to remind thee, that one of the greatest snares of the demon is to counteract the call of the Lord, whenever he seeks to attract and incline the soul to a life of perfection in his service". I see this as another warning to many who continue to insist that one who had a true calling to religious life will surely be just as fulfilled in the world.

Not only does St. Alphonsus Liguori specifically teach otherwise, but I found similar text in A Manual of Moral Theology.First I would like to reiterate the weight of St. Alphonsus Liguori’s teaching and why we should take it more seriously. St. Alphonsus was declared a Doctor of the Church, meaning “the writings and preachings of such a person are useful to Christians “in any age of the Church.” Such men and women are also particularly known for the depth of understanding and the orthodoxy of their theological teachings.” His specialty was in moral theology, of which you could say vocations fall under. He wrote a super in-depth book on religious life (True Spouse of Jesus Christ) and practically every other major aspect of Christianity. Pope after pope (Gregory XVI, Pius IX, Pius IX, Leo XIII, John Paul I, John Paul II) declared the excellence of his teaching and recommended him to professors of theology and to confessors, leading to him being the patron of confessors and moral theology. The list of saints who followed him goes on and on (e.g. St. John Bosco, St. John Vianney, St. Anthony Mary Claret, St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, etc.)

Ok so from A Manual of Moral Theology by Rev. Thomas Slater S.J. :
"One who is called to religion and prefers to remain in the world acts very foolishly, throws away a great grace, and may expose his salvation to greater danger. If such a one is persuaded that he cannot save his soul in the world, he commits a grave sin by not taking the necessary means to secure his eternal salvation. If, however, he hopes with God’s grace (which will not be wanting to him) to lead a good life in the world, he will not commit sin by not following a divine call; for this is a counsel, not a command, and counsels do not bind under sin." (Part II, Chapter II.)

Mary, Mother of Vocations, pray for us. St. Alphonsus de Liguori, pray for us. Ave Maria!

fra John Paul

 

[TiggerS]

Ave Maria!

On the feast of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I re-read the account in the Mystical City of God and not only is it very beautiful, but Our Lady’s exhortation to Venerable Mary of Agreda regarding her vocation has some striking words. (The Mystical City of God is an outstanding work and has been praised by popes and saints. Some rank it up there with The Imitation of Christ as the most important book next to the Bible.)

Our Lady says to her,
My daughter, the greatest happiness, which can befall any soul in this mortal life, is that the Almighty call her to his house consecrated to his service. For by this benefit He rescues the soul from a dangerous slavery and relieves her of the vile servitude of the world, where, deprived of true liberty, she eats her bread in the sweat of her brow. Who is so dull and insipid as not to know the dangers of the worldly life, which is hampered by all the abominable and most wicked laws and customs introduced by the astuteness of the devil and the perversity of men? The better part is religious life and retirement; in it is found security, outside is a torment and a stormy sea, full of sorrow and unhappiness. Through the hardness of their heart and the total forgetfulness of themselves men do not know this truth and are not attracted by its blessings. But thou, O soul, be not deaf to the voice of the Most High, attend and correspond to it in thy actions: I wish to remind thee, that one of the greatest snares of the demon is to counteract the call of the Lord, whenever he seeks to attract and incline the soul to a life of perfection in his service.
The last words are what really caught my attention, " I wish to remind thee, that one of the greatest snares of the demon is to counteract the call of the Lord, whenever he seeks to attract and incline the soul to a life of perfection in his service". I see this as another warning to many who continue to insist that one who had a true calling to religious life will surely be just as fulfilled in the world.

Not only does St. Alphonsus Liguori specifically teach otherwise, but I found similar text in A Manual of Moral Theology.First I would like to reiterate the weight of St. Alphonsus Liguori’s teaching and why we should take it more seriously. St. Alphonsus was declared a Doctor of the Church, meaning “the writings and preachings of such a person are useful to Christians “in any age of the Church.” Such men and women are also particularly known for the depth of understanding and the orthodoxy of their theological teachings.” His specialty was in moral theology, of which you could say vocations fall under. He wrote a super in-depth book on religious life (True Spouse of Jesus Christ) and practically every other major aspect of Christianity. Pope after pope (Gregory XVI, Pius IX, Pius IX, Leo XIII, John Paul I, John Paul II) declared the excellence of his teaching and recommended him to professors of theology and to confessors, leading to him being the patron of confessors and moral theology. The list of saints who followed him goes on and on (e.g. St. John Bosco, St. John Vianney, St. Anthony Mary Claret, St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, etc.)

Ok so from A Manual of Moral Theology by Rev. Thomas Slater S.J. :
"One who is called to religion and prefers to remain in the world acts very foolishly, throws away a great grace, and may expose his salvation to greater danger. If such a one is persuaded that he cannot save his soul in the world, he commits a grave sin by not taking the necessary means to secure his eternal salvation. If, however, he hopes with God’s grace (which will not be wanting to him) to lead a good life in the world, he will not commit sin by not following a divine call; for this is a counsel, not a command, and counsels do not bind under sin." (Part II, Chapter II.)
Mary, Mother of Vocations, pray for us. St. Alphonsus de Liguori, pray for us. Ave Maria!

fra John Paul

Thank you very much for drawing attention to “A Manual for Moral Theology”.

Drawing attention to what I have highlighted in red above (Manual for Moral Theology (Thomas Slater SJ), the manual can be read online - full text: archive.org/stream/MN5034ucmf_1/MN5034ucmf_1_djvu.txt
" If, how-
ever, he hopes with God’s grace (which will not be wanting
to him) to lead a good life in the world, he will not commit sin
by not following the divine call; for this is a counsel, not a
command, and counsels do not bind under sin. Some divines
disagree with the foregoing doctrine, but **it is supported by **
the authority of St Thomas and many approved authors (cf.
Can. 538). "

Also see
forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11401827&postcount=25 (a few good posts in this thread)

 

[Humility101]

Thanks for your replies. I’ve been thinking, that I should trust God that no matter what He will raise me up if I abandon myself to him. It’s probably silly to worry at this point how much my soul will be able to shine. If I give myself over to God then it’ll shine as much as he wants it to shine. Like St. Therese said, not everyone is a lily or a rose, some people are daisies. Well, maybe I am a blade of grass and should be okay with being such. As long as I’m God’s blade of grass how can I complain?

Well stated!
God bless,
~Rae