What if you're advised to not listen to your parents?

[EstherTherese]

My mother is very religious and I am very grateful for being introduced to my faith from an early age. She is very close to me and has showed she deeply cared for me through many, many sacrifices. However, I’m realizing more every day that always adhering to everything she says might be unhealthy. I’m still having a lot of trouble with this, knowing that filial piety is a moral imperative both in my faith and native culture.
(We are Vietnamese immigrants. I was one years old when I came here, so I’m more American.)

I used to be very scrupulous and can’t help but think my upbringing was one of the causes for its development. Being lectured often, I got used to saying sorry for situations where (even looking back now) I did not deliberately do anything wrong. Things like frowning too much or mumbling. Talking back was not an option. Except to say sorry, since that was the only thing that made the yelling subside. Otherwise, I sat, cried, and internalized.
When I actually did do something wrong, she often used religious rhetoric during her lectures to remind me of my sin and offense.

I’m not as scrupulous now, but the anxiety is pretty apparent. Thanks to mental health resources in the college I’m attending, I’m finally getting counseling (at the suggestion of multiple priests during different confessions). My family is pretty harmonious and attend church together, but my mom’s yelling voice has looped in my head whenever I feel disappointed or deserving of punishment.

I showed signs of depression since I was 12 or 13, but my parents did not take me seriously. They knew my scrupulosity was a problem and tried to lecture it out of me. My mom trivialized it sometimes, saying awful things like “Well, why don’t you say THAT during confession” (when I do something wrong) or calling me a Pharisee.

I have tried talking to her. If I say anything negative about how I’m being treated, either two things happen:

1. I am accused of being ungrateful, self-indulgent, and close-minded.
2. My mom reminds me of how poor my Vietnamese language skills are, seeing how I’m struggling to explain complex emotions. Years of Vietnamese tutoring to waste.

My mom has clearly shown that she is not going to listen. I usually end up crying, tying to fight back thoughts of self-harm. Last year, I told her about my counseling and the depression medication my psychiatrist prescribed. It was a disaster and I never got those meds. My older brother has learned to deflect some of the more verbal attacks from my mother and my friends have suggested just disregard and block out some of the more “irrational” things she says. Since filial piety has been so deeply ingrained in my mind as a value, I have a lot of trouble following such advice.

 

[lutheran_farmer]

My best friend, whom I’ve known since we were both 10 years old, is Vietnamese-American. She came here when she was 10 but her issues with her mother are not unlike yours. There is something very traumatic about leaving one’s country and extended family. You both have my sympathy.

She hasn’t found the perfect solution yet, but worries that she will degrade her daughter as she was degraded. As long as she is worried, she has won half the battle. I think the only thing that can be done is to love your mother from a distance. Call her when you feel bullet-proof and have an understanding friend to set you straight after your talks with her. Please look into joining an Asian-American club on campus where you are likely to find a lot of sympathetic ears.

Please follow the advice from your priest and counselor (unless they disagree and then sway to the priest while informing your counselor). Don’t be ashamed if you need an anti-depressant for awhile. All they do is boost a chemical in your brain that has dropped below a certain threshold and is hard for your body to manufacture on it’s own.

The only other suggestion I have to to look for Asian-American female authors. You are not alone. Many daughters of Asian immigrants have very demanding mothers that seem to prescribe to the put-down pattern of child-rearing for their daughters. It’s supposed to build you up and make you tough enough to face being a minority in a new country but all too often backfires.

My best friend was in her 20s when she pushed away from her mother and the Vietnamese language (to her, they were one in the same). However, once she was married and expecting, she wanted to share her culture with her own daughter and re-learned Vietnamese.

It sounds like you are in college. Congratulations! Enjoy your independence and quit feeling guilty for being American and having the opportunities that your mother did not. You cannot live your life for her. What she sees erroneously as squandering her sacrifices are the normal, healthy, mistakes all young people are bound to make. Once you are out of college and working, your relations with your mother will improve. Even if you don’t pick the major or career she wants for you. For all of us with demanding mothers (my own is rather difficult in her own way) getting settled in a job, getting married, and having grandkids did help tame the tiger, so to speak. Just know it will get better someday.

God Bless!

 

[lutheran_farmer]

One book that I have heard is very good is called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua. It has a humorous way of looking at having a difficult mother. I thought about reading it myself.

BTW, you sound like a very thoughtful, intelligent, young lady. Your conscientiousness can be re-channeled in so many wonderful endeavors. I pray you find something to satisfy your deeply held ethics.

 

[ClearWater]

My mother is very religious and I am very grateful for being introduced to my faith from an early age. She is very close to me and has showed she deeply cared for me through many, many sacrifices. However, I’m realizing more every day that always adhering to everything she says might be unhealthy. I’m still having a lot of trouble with this, knowing that filial piety is a moral imperative both in my faith and native culture.
(We are Vietnamese immigrants. I was one years old when I came here, so I’m more American.)

I used to be very scrupulous and can’t help but think my upbringing was one of the causes for its development. Being lectured often, I got used to saying sorry for situations where (even looking back now) I did not deliberately do anything wrong. Things like frowning too much or mumbling. Talking back was not an option. Except to say sorry, since that was the only thing that made the yelling subside. Otherwise, I sat, cried, and internalized.
When I actually did do something wrong, she often used religious rhetoric during her lectures to remind me of my sin and offense.

I’m not as scrupulous now, but the anxiety is pretty apparent. Thanks to mental health resources in the college I’m attending, I’m finally getting counseling (at the suggestion of multiple priests during different confessions). My family is pretty harmonious and attend church together, but my mom’s yelling voice has looped in my head whenever I feel disappointed or deserving of punishment.

I showed signs of depression since I was 12 or 13, but my parents did not take me seriously. They knew my scrupulosity was a problem and tried to lecture it out of me. My mom trivialized it sometimes, saying awful things like “Well, why don’t you say THAT during confession” (when I do something wrong) or calling me a Pharisee.

I have tried talking to her. If I say anything negative about how I’m being treated, either two things happen:

1. I am accused of being ungrateful, self-indulgent, and close-minded.
2. My mom reminds me of how poor my Vietnamese language skills are, seeing how I’m struggling to explain complex emotions. Years of Vietnamese tutoring to waste.

My mom has clearly shown that she is not going to listen. I usually end up crying, tying to fight back thoughts of self-harm. Last year, I told her about my counseling and the depression medication my psychiatrist prescribed. It was a disaster and I never got those meds. My older brother has learned to deflect some of the more verbal attacks from my mother and my friends have suggested just disregard and block out some of the more “irrational” things she says. Since filial piety has been so deeply ingrained in my mind as a value, I have a lot of trouble following such advice.

Heed that advice, then.

You don’t deserve this and, sadly, for your own emotional survival, you will need to distance yourself as much as possible from your mother.

I liked the advice from LutheranFarmer who seemed to have experience in this matter.

Feel free to also PM me anytime if you’d like to talk. I live in a foreign country and have no family here. I like to hear from people!

I’ve been through a fair amount of abuse in my own life, and, for a time, also injured myself at one point in my life, too. I hated myself so much! I was, however, able to stop that once I got out of that environment.

I realize family can mean so much, but your case is different. You need to find support…anyway you can! I’m not sure how old you are, but whenever you can manage that, get out of that. Too bad you couldn’t seek help from somebody else, another family member who is not abusive, say?

When you are out of that environment, I think you will find yourself more better able to have a semblance of a normal life.

You need to be in therapy, but you’re mother is the main one that needs to be there to get that abuse stopped. Ah!

Do whatever you need to do to survive this. This is not healthy, as you have said.

As I say, if nobody else would listen to you, I would!

God bless you!

 

[KrazyKat]

When a parent is abusive it is time for you to remove her from the pedestal she has browbeaten you to place her on. When you can see her as the sick person she is you will pity her and just consider the source in the future.

Move out on your own as soon as possible.

 

[Lasting_faith]

We are told to honor our parents, but there is a limit, if they ask too much, if they want you to do something illegal or morally wrong or give you advice that are wrong and may cause harm to you, or others, it is time to think by our self. That is not to dishonor or disrespect them, it is common sense that keep us safe.

You sure suffer, and you don’t need to. If you need money for your medication you could ask the local Catholic parish, they may help you, if you don’t have money for pills you most certainly need. Ask them.

I have not a clue about growing up in a religious home, we never did talk about religion, but I can imagine that it may be hard, and all you can do is to be yourself, God does not ask more, why should your mother do it? All we can do is the best possible effort, and if that is not enough, what is? Religion should never be used as a threat or punishment, sad though it is used. Don’t cut your ties with your family, but keep a safe distance, and if your mother start yelling or lecture you, walk away, the best way to be safe is to know when to walk away, or run, and it is not wrong to defend yourself, and in this case, hardly even a venial sin to act against your mother if she say or do what you feel is wrong. Sometime the line between right or wrong is very thin, and even for a trained eye hard to detect, but do what you feel you need to do, and maybe later on in your life, when you are older, you should talk with your mum. Don’t accuse her, she do what she do because she think it is right and will help you. Well, it don’t, but time is a good healer, so is distance, and I think you both will find some solution for peace when the time is right. I keep you in mind when I pray the next time. God bless you.

 

[acadiANNA]

It’s all about control. Your mother feels a need to be in charge of everything about you. Could it be a matter of anxiety with her? I wish she could focus on your good points and not what she believes to be your faults. You are intelligent, pursuing a college education, that is very admirable. Sometimes by our confirmation of their feelings, like saying, “Oh, you feel like the classes were a waste? Don’t worry, they weren’t, and I thank you for enrolling me in that. It’s just a little different when you haven’t used the language from a young age. But, I’ll get it.” Would that be considered talking back? I feel you have a right to say what you need to without interruption. But if that is not possible, all you can do is smile and acknowledge her feelings. She may not be the ideal mother and doesn’t support you the way you want to be loved, but bear with it. And if you have to distance yourself from her for a while, that’s what I would do. It could be a stage in your life right now. She may outgrow the need for control when she sees you are well on your way to being independent. You can thank her for all she did to care for you to that point. You have received some great advice from the posters above. Praying for you and for her. God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

When your conscience starts accusing you of failing at filial piety, remember that you are honoring religious piety. You can’t live as your mother wants when it is at odds with what your Creator wants. You are getting counseling, after all, at the urging of the physicians of your soul. Your mother’s put-downs are at odds with how she ought to have treated you in her position of authority, and you are unlearning what she told you* in order to learn *to live more according to the faith.

You can also substitute a healthy filial piety for an unhealthy one. When she says things that are not charitable (as she seems to have the habit of doing) and your understanding of what is actually right tells you to do otherwise, then pray for her: Father, forgive her, she does not mean to hurt me. When you say, “I’m sorry” for things that are not your fault, learn to mean it in the sense of having sympathy for someone who is upset, rather than personally taking responsibility for an upset that is not ultimately your doing.

I had a family member who criticized me constantly, and I found that just agreeing with him took the wind out of his sails. “You wasted such-and-so” can be met with “Well, yes, you’d think I’d have done better than that. Alas, I did not.” Just be down-to-earth about it: none of us make the most of every opportunity we’ve had. If there is someone like that, you and I are not it. We do our best each day, and when the day is over, we look back with contrition concerning where we fail, look back with thanksgiving where we were given the grace to succeed, and hand it all over to God, to whom we are unprofitable servants.

Mostly, keep working with your counselor. Un-learning lessons that were a bit off takes work, so do not let it discourage you that it takes awhile to shift the lessons that you’ve been given back onto the rails. Most of us have something like that; you are not alone.

 

[Gabriel7Kane]

remeber god always loves you even if you think he dosent.

 

[Kithrus]

My mother is very religious and I am very grateful for being introduced to my faith from an early age. She is very close to me and has showed she deeply cared for me through many, many sacrifices. However, I’m realizing more every day that always adhering to everything she says might be unhealthy. I’m still having a lot of trouble with this, knowing that filial piety is a moral imperative both in my faith and native culture.
(We are Vietnamese immigrants. I was one years old when I came here, so I’m more American.)

I used to be very scrupulous and can’t help but think my upbringing was one of the causes for its development. Being lectured often, I got used to saying sorry for situations where (even looking back now) I did not deliberately do anything wrong. Things like frowning too much or mumbling. Talking back was not an option. Except to say sorry, since that was the only thing that made the yelling subside. Otherwise, I sat, cried, and internalized.
When I actually did do something wrong, she often used religious rhetoric during her lectures to remind me of my sin and offense.

I’m not as scrupulous now, but the anxiety is pretty apparent. Thanks to mental health resources in the college I’m attending, I’m finally getting counseling (at the suggestion of multiple priests during different confessions). My family is pretty harmonious and attend church together, but my mom’s yelling voice has looped in my head whenever I feel disappointed or deserving of punishment.

I showed signs of depression since I was 12 or 13, but my parents did not take me seriously. They knew my scrupulosity was a problem and tried to lecture it out of me. My mom trivialized it sometimes, saying awful things like “Well, why don’t you say THAT during confession” (when I do something wrong) or calling me a Pharisee.

I have tried talking to her. If I say anything negative about how I’m being treated, either two things happen:

1. I am accused of being ungrateful, self-indulgent, and close-minded.
2. My mom reminds me of how poor my Vietnamese language skills are, seeing how I’m struggling to explain complex emotions. Years of Vietnamese tutoring to waste.

My mom has clearly shown that she is not going to listen. I usually end up crying, tying to fight back thoughts of self-harm. Last year, I told her about my counseling and the depression medication my psychiatrist prescribed. It was a disaster and I never got those meds. My older brother has learned to deflect some of the more verbal attacks from my mother and my friends have suggested just disregard and block out some of the more “irrational” things she says. Since filial piety has been so deeply ingrained in my mind as a value, I have a lot of trouble following such advice.

I know the boat your in too well. There comes a point where you are accountable for you and your mothers job is done. If she can’t except that then that is not your problem. If you think as you live life now you can look God in the eyes and say “I’m doing my best” then that should be all you need.

 

[acadiANNA]

‘I’m doing my best’ works. It’s ok to set boundaries to defend yourself against that which is wrong. Desire God in the center of your mother/daughter relationship. Honor your mother and your father is the commandment. Honor the part that she gave you life. Do not honor the part where you are being truly mistreated. I am still praying for you.