What if you're not sure you want biological kids

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Sierrah

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I’m kind of neutral on having biological kids right now. To be honest I’ve always sort of been on the fence about it. I wouldn’t mind skipping over the whole pregnancy/infant stage and just adopting an older child. I’ve always felt a call to adopt at some point and em wondering if this could this be why. I need to add that I was involved in the child care industry for many years and pretty much feel like I went through it before. So it’s not that I dislike babies I just feel like I’ve been there done that a few times already. :rolleyes:
 
I tend to agree with you. I don’t know if I am really all there on kids either.
 
But doesn’t God call us to have children if we can?

Catechism of the Catholic Church
The openness to fertility

1652 "By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory."160
 
Pray that you can get rid of the “I” in your thinking and ask God to do His will.
 
Not everybody is called to have kids. If you are one of those, I don’t see any problems. Only you will know if your reasons are the ‘right’ ones.
 
lil_flower_luv said:
But doesn’t God call us to have children if we can?

Catechism of the Catholic Church
The openness to fertility

1652 "By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory."160
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Yep. We are called to accept God’s Will, and if He wills a husband and wife to have children, than they accept it. But if He dose not will it, than they accept that too.
 
Canon Law references…(my emphasis in bold)

Can. 1055
§1. The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life and which is ordered by its nature to the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring, has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament between the baptized.
§2. For this reason, a valid matrimonial contract cannot exist between the baptized without it being by that fact a sacrament.

Can. 1061
§1. A valid marriage between the baptized is called ratum tantum if it has not been consummated; it is called ratum et consummatum if the spouses have performed between themselves in a human fashion a conjugal act which is suitable in itself for the procreation of offspring, to which marriage is ordered by its nature and by which the spouses become one flesh.
§2. After a marriage has been celebrated, if the spouses have lived together consummation is presumed until the contrary is proven.
§3. An invalid marriage is called putative if at least one party celebrated it in good faith, until both parties become certain of its nullity.

Can. 1096
§1. For matrimonial consent to exist, the contracting parties must be at least not ignorant that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman ordered to the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.
§2. This ignorance is not presumed after puberty.

In other words… it comes with the territory…
If you’re married, then accepting children is part of the package deal. 😉
 
As others have pointed out, Catholic teaching requires a married couple to at least be open to the procreation of children in their marriage.

However, I don’t think we have to interpret that to mean that a couple who are capable of having children naturally should always foreclose the possibility of adopting children. Especially if the couple feels a strong calling to adopt a child who might otherwise be hard to place for adoption (an older child, as the OP specified, or a child with developmental disabilities) that can be a selfless and loving expression of their love as a family. I have also know people who were adopted as children who as adults feel a strong call to adopt, to open their home to a child in the way their parents opened their home to them.

Essentially, if the OP is married or contemplating marriage, this is something she would have to work out with her husband in the context of their marriage vows, which require them to at least be open to the possibility of having children naturally. If she is single, I know of no church teaching that would prohibit a single person from adopting a child, if that is something she feels called to do.
 
Sierrah said:
I’m kind of neutral on having biological kids right now. To be honest I’ve always sort of been on the fence about it. I wouldn’t mind skipping over the whole pregnancy/infant stage and just adopting an older child. I’ve always felt a call to adopt at some point and em wondering if this could this be why. I need to add that I was involved in the child care industry for many years and pretty much feel like I went through it before. So it’s not that I dislike babies I just feel like I’ve been there done that a few times already. :rolleyes:
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Em_in_FL said:
In other words… it comes with the territory…
If you’re married, then accepting children is part of the package deal. 😉
Click to expand...
Of course, if you’re not married, then I feel like God is not calling you to procreate at this time. In fact, I’m pretty certain about it.

If you’ve done it a few times already, then I guess you have experience! I wonder why you wouldn’t want to put your experience to good use, sacrificing for your own children thought… Most mothers of big families also have experience with the older children and that doesn’t stop them from continuing to garner experience. And the experience is completely different to work in child care and to actually have a child of your own.
 
hey I just wanted to note that besides the theological/moral side you have to look at the whole picture.

Older kids will require as much, if not more time and attention as a little baby when first adopted and for many years after that. Most kids in the system today, even as young as a year old, suffer from axiety disorders and some from more extreme attachment disoreders (I’ve posted about those in the past). An older kid may require intensive therepy, round the clock supervision and alot of cleaning up after. (eg, some spit, force themselves to puke, throw poop) acting out to try to “get rid of you” before you can get rid of them. If you really want to adopt I’d suggest setting up a care network and reading about attachment disorders, you’ll experience things like baiting and parental triangualtion before a child is old enough to tie their shoes. Setting up therepists and people before you’d bring a child into your home and “fall in love” with him or her will help.

Its not all cases, but it happens more frequently than people realize.

Not having a baby dosn’t mean you get out of the burdan of having a infiant-like child.

If you already know all this and are still willing to adopt then it is a true calling.
 
Em_in_FL said:
In other words… it comes with the territory…
If you’re married, then accepting children is part of the package deal. 😉
Click to expand...
I don’t understand this. Why are children part of the deal? And I say that not to start an argument, but because I honestly don’t understand why the Church is so focused on wether or not I have kids.

Please don’t take it the wrong way! I’m just asking!

(and I didn’t want to take up more space, so I just quoted your part about the territory)
 
Rascalking said:
I don’t understand this. Why are children part of the deal? And I say that not to start an argument, but because I honestly don’t understand why the Church is so focused on wether or not I have kids.

Please don’t take it the wrong way! I’m just asking!

(and I didn’t want to take up more space, so I just quoted your part about the territory)
Click to expand...
No problem! 🙂

The church teaches that sex is twofold in nature - both for the good of the spouses (unitive) and for the procreation of children. The two natures cannot be separated. In choosing the sacramental bond of marriage - which is validated through consummation - you accept that the twofold nature of that consummation is to be kept in tact. Sex is a wonderful gift that both unites the married couple, and brings new life into the world. It’s a package deal.
 
Rascalking said:
I don’t understand this. Why are children part of the deal? And I say that not to start an argument, but because I honestly don’t understand why the Church is so focused on wether or not I have kids.

Please don’t take it the wrong way! I’m just asking!

(and I didn’t want to take up more space, so I just quoted your part about the territory)
Click to expand...
Not to take it the wrong way, but I really wouldn’t say the Church is ‘so focused’ on this issue. It is of fundamental importance though. It would be like the Father and the Son saying they didn’t need the Holy Spirit!! I mean, it’s not good for a husband and wife to come together in marital relations but yet try to keep children out of the picture.
 
Honus said:
Not everybody is called to have kids. If you are one of those, I don’t see any problems. Only you will know if your reasons are the ‘right’ ones.
Click to expand...
I’m pretty sure there are some reasons that are most definitely the ‘wrong’ ones. You will be the only one to know your reasons though, unless you share them with others. In which case others may be able to judge if they are the right ones or not. Ferrari or child? I leave you to figure out if that’s a good reason…
 
purplesunshine said:
hey I just wanted to note that besides the theological/moral side you have to look at the whole picture.

Older kids will require as much, if not more time and attention as a little baby when first adopted and for many years after that. Most kids in the system today, even as young as a year old, suffer from axiety disorders and some from more extreme attachment disoreders (I’ve posted about those in the past). An older kid may require intensive therepy, round the clock supervision and alot of cleaning up after. (eg, some spit, force themselves to puke, throw poop) acting out to try to “get rid of you” before you can get rid of them. If you really want to adopt I’d suggest setting up a care network and reading about attachment disorders, you’ll experience things like baiting and parental triangualtion before a child is old enough to tie their shoes. Setting up therepists and people before you’d bring a child into your home and “fall in love” with him or her will help.

Its not all cases, but it happens more frequently than people realize.

Not having a baby dosn’t mean you get out of the burdan of having a infiant-like child.

If you already know all this and are still willing to adopt then it is a true calling.
Click to expand...
My point was that I have no desire to go though the whole process of pregnancy to feel bonded to a child. I know of course older children have more issues and are just as much work. The work wouldn’t bother me. I just don’t feel the need to go through the infancy stage with a child. I was thinking of adopting an older child because they have a harder time finding homes and so an older child would have more of a need versus a baby who would probably find a home pretty fast. I’ve always been open to life should God so bless me but right now as I’m single it seems highly unlikely especially since I’m almost 40.
 
Thomas63116 said:
As others have pointed out, Catholic teaching requires a married couple to at least be open to the procreation of children in their marriage.

However, I don’t think we have to interpret that to mean that a couple who are capable of having children naturally should always foreclose the possibility of adopting children. Especially if the couple feels a strong calling to adopt a child who might otherwise be hard to place for adoption (an older child, as the OP specified, or a child with developmental disabilities) that can be a selfless and loving expression of their love as a family. I have also know people who were adopted as children who as adults feel a strong call to adopt, to open their home to a child in the way their parents opened their home to them.

Essentially, if the OP is married or contemplating marriage, this is something she would have to work out with her husband in the context of their marriage vows, which require them to at least be open to the possibility of having children naturally. If she is single, I know of no church teaching that would prohibit a single person from adopting a child, if that is something she feels called to do.
Click to expand...
I never said I wasn’t open to it just not running toward it.
 
cephas161619 said:
Of course, if you’re not married, then I feel like God is not calling you to procreate at this time. In fact, I’m pretty certain about it.

If you’ve done it a few times already, then I guess you have experience! I wonder why you wouldn’t want to put your experience to good use, sacrificing for your own children thought… Most mothers of big families also have experience with the older children and that doesn’t stop them from continuing to garner experience. And the experience is completely different to work in child care and to actually have a child of your own.
Click to expand...
One problem may be that I just got burned out from over exposure. I pretty much watched kids starting at age 7 till my 20s.
 
cephas161619 said:
I’m pretty sure there are some reasons that are most definitely the ‘wrong’ ones. You will be the only one to know your reasons though, unless you share them with others. In which case others may be able to judge if they are the right ones or not. Ferrari or child? I leave you to figure out if that’s a good reason…
Click to expand...
I thought I did share them. It’s not that complicated. I feel I’ve done the baby stage several times and I got kind of burned out on it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be open to go through it with a child of my own only that I don’t think I’ll miss it all that much if it doesn’t happen. 🤷 I don’t think you actually read my post anyway…where did I mention a Ferrari??? or anything to do with materalism. Oh and bye the way I’m more of a Corvette type of person…lol :eek::D;)
 
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