What is a Family's Responsibility?

[Foxfire2]

I have a question about family responsibility in the divorce/remarriage of a sibling.

A - is a male, baptised and raised Catholic but never practiced faith as an adult. All of A’s family of origin are devout and faithful Catholics.

A marries B, a Christian protestant, in a protestant church/ceremony. Many years of marriage that appear happy, both attending protestant church and raise children in this church. During marriage A is baptisted into the protestant Christian church.

A begins relationship with another woman, leaves his wife and children, commits adultery, divorces wife and marries adulterous partner, remaining in the protestant faith.

Except for one of A’s siblings, the rest of A’s Catholic family of origin does nothing to get A reconciled to God and to B during the separation period. A has never expressed remorse - only happiness at his choice.

Fast forward six years. The son of the sibling that does not support A’s choice is getting married. This son chooses not to invite A - his uncle who committed adultery - to his wedding.

Should the other Catholic family members show support for A and not attend this wedding also?

 

[Cari]

So the question is this: Should Uncle A’s family NOT go to Nephew’s wedding because Nephew didn’t invite Uncle A?



Nephew chose not to invite Uncle A. The rest of the family is free to make their own decisions, too. You can’t have the cake and eat it, too.

Personally, I’m not sure what Nephew was hoping to say by excluding Uncle A. That Uncle A was right in staying away from the Church and familly? That forgivness was something that was going to be withheld from him by members of his own family?

I can understand Nephew not going to Uncle A’s wedding- that would have implied support of an adultrous relationship. However, the Charitable thing to do would have been to invite Uncle A to Nephew’s Catholic wedding, if for no other reason than to model for him what a sacramental marriage should look like.

 

[Foxfire2]

Great point Cari.

And thank you for clarifying my question - which is - should the family not go to the wedding in support of the uncle who was not invited?

Nephew said that he did not want to invite someone who obviously did not believe in the marital vows to stand as a witness at his wedding.

Also Uncle has not asked for forgiveness, nor expressed remorse for his adultery and divorce. Not sure if that point matters or not.

 

[Cari]

Nephew said that he did not want to invite someone who obviously did not believe in the marital vows to stand as a witness at his wedding.

Like I said, it’s the nephew’s choice who to invite or exclude. It’s also the family’s right to accept or decline the invitation. However, someone might want to gently and charitably point out to Nephew that he is being given a chance to imitate Christ by modeling forgiveness. The Prodigal Son and all that. I’d take a chance to imitate our Lord over “teaching someone a lesson” any day. One could also point out that no one can know for certain what’s in another’s heart. Could be that Uncle is, in his heart of hearts, remorseful of the way his own marriage turned out, but is unable to process or express those thoughts yet.

Also Uncle has not asked for forgiveness, nor expressed remorse for his adultery and divorce. Not sure if that point matters or not.

Again, only God can know what is in another’s heart. Just because someone hasn’t asked his family for forgiveness doesn’t have to mean he doesn’t ache for it.

Like I said, it’s not like Nephew is showing support of his Uncle’s sinful relationship by inviting him to the wedding. We can’t force someone to accept forgiveness (or, in fact, even WANT it), but we can model what forgiveness looks like.

Good luck! There’s nothing like a wedding to bring together and tear apart!
C

 

[puzzleannie]

wedding couple is of course excluding all members of the family who have ever committed a mortal sin, and are in fact in possession of knowledge of the condition of the soul of all the potential wedding guests, and will make up their guest list accordingly.

 

[udoc89]

Maybe out of charity the nephew should have asked the errant uncle to come to the wedding. However, it is his wedding and he may ask (or exclude) anyone he wishes, unless his parents are paying for the wedding. Then, perhaps out of courtesy to them, he might include his father’s brother. But I don’t see any reason for his father’s siblings to show solidarity for one member of the family by staying home from the wedding. It does seem obvious the uncle hasn’t much regard for his family’s religious convictions, anyway.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…should the family not go to the wedding in support of the uncle who was not invited?

Nephew said that he did not want to invite someone who obviously did not believe in the marital vows to stand as a witness at his wedding…

Nephew doesn’t have to invite the uncle. Other family member don’t have to attend.

I certainly see how others view the lack of a wedding invitation as a snub to the uncle. I also assume the nephews greater concern is the uncle actions of adultery etc. might exclude the uncle from Christ’s Wedding Feast in the end. I assume the nephew intends the lack of the invitation to serve as loving correction rather than simply an exclusion. Maybe the nephew could talk to the uncle let him know he’s welcome if he went to confession and worked on straightening out his marriage sitution in the eyes of the Church, (whatever that may take). This kind of conversation would require great charity and may still not produce the desired reconciliation in the family.

Our beautiful sacraments like baptism, marriage, first Communions offer graces to the whole family. Whatever the nephew ultimately decides to do about the wedding invitation, I hope he makes sure his uncle knows he is welcome to attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

 

[Foxfire2]

In part the nephew may be attempting to call the whole family’s attention to the loving corrections that did NOT occur six years ago to the wayward uncle’s detriment.

This brings up another question to me… how should the family, in general respond to the wayward uncle and his spouse? Should this marriage be recognized as valid by the family?

 

[gardenswithkids]

…point out to Nephew that he is being given a chance to imitate Christ by modeling forgiveness. The Prodigal Son and all that. I’d take a chance to imitate our Lord over “teaching someone a lesson” any day. …

Our Lord perfectly modeled forgiveness, and He perfectly taught lessons. If one is truly going to imitate Jesus well, one must do both well. If the nephew wants to teach a lesson, he also must teach forgiveness. Neither is sufficient without the other. The Prodigal Son is a beautiful parable of sin, repentance and forgiveness. Jesus told yet another parable that might be more fitting to this situation.

Matthew 22:1-22:14
*22Once more Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying: 2‘The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding banquet for his son. 3He sent his slaves to call those who had been invited to the wedding banquet, but they would not come. 4Again he sent other slaves, saying, “Tell those who have been invited: Look, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered, and everything is ready; come to the wedding banquet.” 5But they made light of it and went away, one to his farm, another to his business, 6while the rest seized his slaves, maltreated them, and killed them. 7The king was enraged. He sent his troops, destroyed those murderers, and burned their city. 8Then he said to his slaves, “The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. 9Go therefore into the main streets, and invite everyone you find to the wedding banquet.” 10Those slaves went out into the streets and gathered all whom they found, both good and bad; so the wedding hall was filled with guests. *
*11 ‘But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing a wedding robe, 12and he said to him, “Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding robe?” And he was speechless. 13Then the king said to the attendants, “Bind him hand and foot, and throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” 14For many are called, but few are chosen.’ *

 

[Foxfire2]

Thank you for sharing the parable.
What do you feel the parable is speaking to in the particular family situation that I described?

 

[mommyof4]

wedding couple is of course excluding all members of the family who have ever committed a mortal sin, and are in fact in possession of knowledge of the condition of the soul of all the potential wedding guests, and will make up their guest list accordingly.

:clapping: What she said.

 

[Cari]

This brings up another question to me… how should the family, in general respond to the wayward uncle and his spouse? Should this marriage be recognized as valid by the family?

The problems started before the adultry and divorce- they started when Uncle allowed himself to fall away from the Church, and be “rebaptised” in a Protestant denomination. In his new church, divorce and remarriage might not be a problem at all- thus, the Uncle sees no need for repentance and forgiveness.

 

[gardenswithkids]

What do you feel the parable is speaking to in the particular family situation that I described?

God (the King) invites all of us to the wedding feast of His Son, Jesus to His Bride, the Church. Not all accept His invitation. Some accept the invitation but refuse to wear the proper attire, which is grace. God invites us to His banquet, but if we refuse come or try to attend without the proper attire (grace), it greatly offends Him. Christians need to remember the grave sin greatly offends God, and there can be serious consequences to it.

It’s fairly common for women to discuss what we plan on wearing to weddings and to ask those around us, “Do it look alright?” If the dress has a stain or tear, we want to know before we show up at a wedding inappropriately dressed. Yet, when someone soils their most important garment—the grace that God bestowed at Baptism–most people don’t want to hear or say anything about it.

Loving correction is part of our Christian obligation, but it’s a very difficult thing to do. It can come off as self-righteous. It can offend those who don’t want to be told they did anything wrong. The personal sins of those who says anything distracts from the correction. Even here on a Catholic forum many view such attempts at correction harshly. It is such a difficult thing to accomplish that many won’t even attempt correction of serious sin. Then some poor slob ends up at the King’s wedding inappropriately dressed, and the King throws him out.

While a bold, potentially offensive move, the nephew’s refusal to invite the uncle may call the uncle to account here in this world, while he still has time to repent. It seems bolder still to presume the state of another’s soul, but you describe that the uncle committed some serious sin. Honestly now, most everyone knows deep down in their hearts that adultery is wrong. You describe an unrepentant uncle, who cheated on the nephew’s aunt and later divorced her. The aunt was family too, and the uncle’s misbehavior affected the whole family.

Sin tears away at our very families and the larger family of God. Sin like adultery and divorce in particular are sins against family. Such sins don’t usually happen in a vacuum–there is some contribution by the larger society and often from the family-of-origin. I suspect the extended family’s responsibility goes much further back than just six years.

They may not want to look at their contribution to the whole situation from the begining. The first marriage took place with a Catholic outside of the Catholic Church, which calls into question whether it was a sacramental marriage in the first place. Sacraments provides grace–and we need God’s grace to live as He wants us to live. Did they say anything when he married outside the Church? After marrying outside the church, he later left the Catholic Church and became protestant—had they failed to form him properly in the faith? Attending a Protestant church, the uncle may hear a lot about the grace of God, but probably without the understanding that we cut ourselves off from God’s grace by grave sins and need to repent. Even if the family did everything else right, did they pray for the uncle as all of this was happening? All of those things are part of the family’s responsibility.

Jesus not only told the parable of the King’s wedding guest. He also told of the prodigal son. The Father is waiting for this prodigal uncle to come home. Forgiveness if readily available and the robe of grace awaits the uncle again with repentance and the Sacrament of Confession. This situation is complicated because of the re-marriage, but if the uncle wants, he get re-dressed in grace while there’s time. I hope the nephew makes sure the uncle knows that he is welcome at their wedding if he “dresses appropriately.” I believe it is the family’s responsibility to really support the uncle and help him understand the gravity of what he did. Rather than staying away from the wedding, they should pray that the uncle*,* like the Prodigal son, will wear the robe his Father offers him for the King’s Son’s Wedding Feast.

 

[Foxfire2]

Great responses - thank you.

GardenswithKids, yours in particular hit home with me. Really ties together both the repentance of the sinner and the forgiveness that the family should extend - all that should happen in the Body of Christ.

How does the family “judge” whether or not he has repented in order to extend the forgiveness? That has always been a question of mine. From what I read of Scripture as Christians we are to judge the fruit of other Christians (1 Corinthians 5). We are not to judge the unbeliever as they do not know any better and God will be their ultimate judge - but we are to judge those professing Christ and separate ourselves from them. Is that how you all interpret that passage?

I’m part of the extended family watching all of this happen on the periphery. You are right. The aunt was family too - but the family did nothing to step up to the plate for her and the marriage and in particular the soul of their brother. I never could understand that. The family seemed more afraid of losing their brother in this world than about his welfare in the next.

I appreciate everyone’s help on this subject. You are helping me to see all perspectives.

 

[MilesXpisti]

Personally, I can’t help but applaud Nephew for the move, as no one else in the family seems to have the guts to do it. I’ll give leeway on a lot of things but when it comes to marriage and fidelity, the bedrock institution of the Christian laity, I personally refuse to give an inch and I posit that your family member feels the same way. Loving correction is necessary, and it must be unyielding correction. No giving it in doses, no “well, I guess you’ve had enough for now.” And shall we tally the offences that go unchallenged? Apostasy. Re-baptism. Adultery. Divorce. All hell-worthy sins and the man in question is being castigated because he chooses to call him on it in the same arena that caused the problem in the first place. The Nephew is doing a heroic thing. He is following the parable of the Prodigal Son. Neither the brother nor the father went out in search of the son, begging him to return and they’d accept him no matter what. The son humbled himself, admitted his wrong, and was accepted back. Don’t cause trouble in the family? Blood is blood? Here’s what our Lord has to say about that:

He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me.

Secundum Matthæm 10,37​

 

[gardenswithkids]

…How does the family “judge” whether or not he has repented in order to extend the forgiveness? That has always been a question of mine. …

That is a hard question. If the Uncle was still Catholic and said he went to Confession and was working on trying to straighten out his marital situaion in the eyes of the Church, I would certainly accept that. Confession means that he at least acknowledged that what he did was wrong and had some level of sorrow for it. Leaving the Church to decide the validity of the marriages takes the responsibility off the family.

Short of that, it’s harder to tell. He’s now Protestant and likely won’t do all that. God knows the uncle’s heart, but I would expect the uncle to at least show a little bit of contrition for what he did. You wrote earlier that the “Uncle has neither asked for forgiveness, nor expressed remorse for his adultery and divorce.” It’s hard to forgive someone who won’t ask for it.

Also, look at how the uncle reacts to the lack-of-an-invitation. If he accepts it with humility as the consequence for his bad behavior that would indicate at least some remorse and spiritual progress in the right direction. If he gets angry and encourages everyone else to stay away from the nephew’s wedding, that says something else.

As the uncle is no longer a Catholic, he may think the adultery is behind him and wonder why it’s coming up now. The sin isn’t just that he cheated on his first wife six years ago–it’s that he *continues *to cheat on his first wife. Catholics believe marriage lasts until the death of one of the spouses, and if the first wife is still alive then they are still married. If the first marriage was a valid marriage then it’s is still a valid marriage. We presume a valid marriage unless the Church’s annulment court determines otherwise. (The uncle may have grounds for an annulment since he was a Catholic who married outside of the Catholic Church, but that’s for an annulment court.)

…From what I read of Scripture as Christians we are to judge the fruit of other Christians (1 Corinthians 5). We are not to judge the unbeliever as they do not know any better and God will be their ultimate judge - but we are to judge those professing Christ and separate ourselves from them. Is that how you all interpret that passage?..

St. Paul certainly gave us permission to judge and cut off Christians who live in serious sin. By the uncle’s actions, he already separated (ex-communicated) himself from the Catholic Church. I Corinthians 5:6-9 brings up how sin spreads through the community like bad yeast through dough, and St. Paul tells us not to associate with people who continue to commit sexual sin. Again, the uncle may think the adultery is over and done with, but the Catholic Church views it differently. I think the sins of adultery and remarriage spread further sin throughout Christianity, and now many in our culture no longer even agree on the definition of marriage. Bad yeast.

It’s hard to correct and even sometimes cut off family members. I don’t know if I’d have the courage to do what the nephew did, but I certainly would back him. If I were invited, I’d go to the nephew’s wedding. If I were close to the uncle, I’d try to explain from the nephew’s point of view what was wrong about what the uncle did. In fact, I recently tried explaining to my children’s uncle and his fiance that they shouldn’t move in together before marriage. Uh, yeah, like I wrote, loving correction of family members is very difficult and most people don’t take it too well. Have fun at the wedding.

 

[Seatuck]

There is probably more to this story. Such as -is the nephew close to his cousins- the children of A - and are they not wanting to see thier father at this wedding?Perhpas nephew observed the severe suffering of his cousins due to A’s adultery and breakup of the family and finds it wrong to include him in happy family occasions when he did not provide the same love and respect to his family.

 

[otjm]

I have a question about family responsibility in the divorce/remarriage of a sibling.

A - is a male, baptised and raised Catholic but never practiced faith as an adult. All of A’s family of origin are devout and faithful Catholics.

A marries B, a Christian protestant, in a protestant church/ceremony. Many years of marriage that appear happy, both attending protestant church and raise children in this church. During marriage A is baptisted into the protestant Christian church.

A begins relationship with another woman, leaves his wife and children, commits adultery, divorces wife and marries adulterous partner, remaining in the protestant faith.

Except for one of A’s siblings, the rest of A’s Catholic family of origin does nothing to get A reconciled to God and to B during the separation period. A has never expressed remorse - only happiness at his choice.

Fast forward six years. The son of the sibling that does not support A’s choice is getting married. This son chooses not to invite A - his uncle who committed adultery - to his wedding.

Should the other Catholic family members show support for A and not attend this wedding also?

If I read this question, it seems to be such an odd one. Why would the rest of A’s family have any reason not to attend the wedding? In spite of the fact that the child is foregoing an opportunity to evangelize his uncle, it would appear that the family, if I read the post correctly, are swtill active Catholics; the fact that it is stated that they never attempted to get A back into Church and out of the adulterous relationship may not be factually correct (how does one account for all contacts, particularly if one was not present? Are we to assume there were never any private contacts, nor that A was never the source of prayers?), but even if it is true, that does not automatically translate into approval for A’s choices.

I just love it when one member of the family goes off half-cocked down the wrong path, and another member decides that shunning is the answer; how Christ-like. And then we are all supposed to take sides in this shunning; how essentially Gospel-like. Not!

 

[Foxfire2]

Thank you all for your replies.
You are giving me much food for thought.

For myself personally I tend to look to the 1 Corinthians 5 solution as perhaps the only solution for what a family should do (not necessarily just in regards to this wedding…) but then I think that that passage deals with how the Church should react - not a family.

Then I read the passage about putting the Lord before our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children and I’m back to 1 Corinthians 5.

Gardenswithkids - your thoughts on how the uncle reacted to the lack of invitation mirrored my first thoughts. If he would have accepted this rejection as a consequence of his sin and been humbled by this, it would have shown the Holy Spirit at work in his life. To encourage the rest of the family to not attend the Holy Sacrament of Marriage for this nephew - does show (to me at least) lack of remorse.

It is a difficult situation - no doubt.

 

[Foxfire2]

This whole situation has gone from bad to worse.

Apparently a priest was asked his opinion and he said that either they all go to the wedding or none go. I do not know if the entire history of the situation was relayed to the priest or not.

I find it difficult to believe a priest would give counsel such as this as I would think that having Catholic family members at the wedding to witness the Marriage Sacrement would be the most important aspect to this whole story.

So even though the priest said this, the family has decided to go to the wedding (minus the one that was not invited) but they will be staying at a different hotel, and will not attend the reception.

Now all sins of the groom’s father and mother are being discussed and gossiped about to show that they too are not without sin.

Please pray for this whole situation - and that somehow God would sort it all out for His glory and His purposes.