What is a reasonable time for a husband and father to be away from his family?

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john1513

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I know this is completely subjective but help me out and throw some numbers out based on preference or personal experience: percent of the year, durations, etc.

I’m a husband and father of 3 kids under 3 years old. I travel maybe 25% of the time at most. I’m on a three week trip now and possibly another 4-6 week trip in a few months. My wife is understandably having an incredibly difficult time while I’m gone. Its very tiring and stressful for her to keep up with the kids. She didnt like me traveling before we had kids.

This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry; I’m an engineer working federal contracts. I try to work no more than 40 hours per week and I’d prefer not to travel. It seems like travel may be part of this industry but I never imagined it when I was in school studying to be an engineer. I’m considering looking for new jobs since I don’t want to hold my company back by not traveling We’ll see.

My wife stays at home, we are not rich, I don’t so this for the money. I dont mind being poor. I thought I was just putting food on the table and I’m barely doing that sometimes! I can turn down travel but I’m not sure what that will do for my overall employment.

I don’t want to be a bad husband and father. What is your experience?
 
I think “reasonable” depends on the couple involved. Some wives marry guys who are in the military and are deployed for a year at a time. They know they are signing up for that life, so they accept it as part of the deal.

For me, I would not be okay with my husband being out of town 25% of the time. I have four young kids, and on the rare occasion that my husband goes away overnight, it’s awful. Since we share childcare and housework 50-50 when he is not at work, I find it really tough when he’s gone.

The bottom line for you is that your wife is struggling and unhappy with you being out of town so often. It seems like you don’t enjoy it much, either. Yes, it is your job to provide financially for the family. But it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to start looking for other careers that keep you closer to home more often. Since you indicate that you aren’t making very good money anyway, why not?
 
It’s more about the **quality **of the time you spend at home, rather than the quantity. You could be a father who is always home, but spends most times on cell phone, checking emails, texting others, on the computer, working in yard and NOT spending the time with your wife and children.

As long as you make it your top priority to make sure your wife and kids feel/believe/know that they are #1 in your life, then you’re doing the best job you can.

Make time to take the kids from your wife and have her spend time doing what she loves. Hire a babysitter to care for the kids while you take your wife out to eat or go out for coffee, etc. Make attempts to spend time alone with her as well.

Play with the kids, help attend to their needs and your wife will be “lovingly indebted” to you.

Just keep praying for God’s help as being the father/husband of a family is a very difficult, yet most rewarding job in your world!

Praying for you. Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
It’s more about the **quality **of the time you spend at home, rather than the quantity. You could be a father who is always home, but spends most times on cell phone, checking emails, texting others, on the computer, working in yard and NOT spending the time with your wife and children.

As long as you make it your top priority to make sure your wife and kids feel/believe/know that they are #1 in your life, then you’re doing the best job you can.

Make time to take the kids from your wife and have her spend time doing what she loves. Hire a babysitter to care for the kids while you take your wife out to eat or go out for coffee, etc. Make attempts to spend time alone with her as well.

Play with the kids, help attend to their needs and your wife will be “lovingly indebted” to you.

Just keep praying for God’s help as being the father/husband of a family is a very difficult, yet most rewarding job in your world!

Praying for you. Peace.

+JMJ+
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I don’t totally agree. When the kids are small, there is just a lot of tiring day-to-day labor involved in raising them and maintaining the home. Doing bedtime alone is super tough. It really does take two parents to get all that needs to be done, done.

Yes, quality of time is important. But so is the quantity of time when the kids are quite small.
 
john1513 said:
I know this is completely subjective but help me out and throw some numbers out based on preference or personal experience: percent of the year, durations, etc.

I’m a husband and father of 3 kids under 3 years old. I travel maybe 25% of the time at most. I’m on a three week trip now and possibly another 4-6 week trip in a few months. My wife is understandably having an incredibly difficult time while I’m gone. Its very tiring and stressful for her to keep up with the kids. She didnt like me traveling before we had kids.

This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry; I’m an engineer working federal contracts. I try to work no more than 40 hours per week and I’d prefer not to travel. It seems like travel may be part of this industry but I never imagined it when I was in school studying to be an engineer. I’m considering looking for new jobs since I don’t want to hold my company back by not traveling We’ll see.

My wife stays at home, we are not rich, I don’t so this for the money. I dont mind being poor. I thought I was just putting food on the table and I’m barely doing that sometimes! I can turn down travel but I’m not sure what that will do for my overall employment.

I don’t want to be a bad husband and father. What is your experience?
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That’s a lot of travel for not being comfortably off.

Normally, travel comes with a pay premium, which would enable your family to buy help for your wife (a high school student or college student for a couple hours around dinner or bed time would be awesome a couple times a week). If you don’t make enough to pay for help, I would definitely look for a job with at least either 1) same pay and less travel or 2) same travel but better pay.
 
john1513,

Are you in a high-cost area? If you are and don’t have a lot of local support for your wife (friends and family), perhaps a move to a lower cost area would improve your standard of living. A professional salary will go a lot farther outside the coastal areas of the US.
 
john1513 said:
I know this is completely subjective but help me out and throw some numbers out based on preference or personal experience: percent of the year, durations, etc.

I’m a husband and father of 3 kids under 3 years old. I travel maybe 25% of the time at most. I’m on a three week trip now and possibly another 4-6 week trip in a few months. My wife is understandably having an incredibly difficult time while I’m gone. Its very tiring and stressful for her to keep up with the kids. She didnt like me traveling before we had kids.

This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry; I’m an engineer working federal contracts. I try to work no more than 40 hours per week and I’d prefer not to travel. It seems like travel may be part of this industry but I never imagined it when I was in school studying to be an engineer. I’m considering looking for new jobs since I don’t want to hold my company back by not traveling We’ll see.

My wife stays at home, we are not rich, I don’t so this for the money. I dont mind being poor. I thought I was just putting food on the table and I’m barely doing that sometimes! I can turn down travel but I’m not sure what that will do for my overall employment.

I don’t want to be a bad husband and father. What is your experience?
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My husband has had periods of employment where he traveled quite a bit (he was gone for 7 of the first 11 weeks of our marriage for example).

Our “motto” is that we won’t complain about the travel/OT when it happens just like we won’t complain/worry about the layoff time that inevitably happens where he’s stuck at home 24/7 either. We try just to look at the positive side of each (more $ or more time).

However, 3 kids under 3 is a pretty intense situation. I know how hard it was to function with 3 under 5. I could see where it would be almost impossible for her to deal with you being gone for more than a couple days at a time. I’d say that you need to work with her to figure out a solution - either less or no travel or else outside help coming in to assist her.

The best thing you can do for your family is to make sure your wife knows you’re her teammate - which means YOU need to be as concerned about how the kids will be taken care of while you’re gone as she is (rather than by intent or accident leaving all the logistics on her shoulders).

Ex. - what if one of the kids becomes ill while you’re gone? Obviously you don’t want to take a sick kid to the store to buy medicine, but you can’t leave them home alone either. If child A keeps her up all night, and falls asleep as child B wakes up - how is your wife going to get any sleep? And there’s things like trying to get to mass or go to the store (3 kids - 2 hands gets to be a real downer when done 24/7 for days on end).

Help from a friend, relative or neighbor is probably available - and can be a real blessing - but your wife probably doesn’t like having to be the one to ask for assistance or figure out who to ask all the time when you’re gone.

So I’d say assure her that she and the kids are your #1 priority and that you want to work with her to figure out what will work best for all of you.

For us, it was hubby finding rides for the older kids to all their scheduled events so I didn’t have to drag the little ones around to various sports practices / scout meetings. We also lowered the household standards to “no smells / no bugs” - so that it was understood he wouldn’t be coming back to a spotless house.

Hope that helps.
 
I’m an engineer as well and I work on projects around Africa and the Middle East. When I first started in the industry it was nothing for me to be gone the whole year. Now that I’m married things are different and I can tell you the most that I am willing to be gone is 4 weeks. It averages out to about 120 days out of the year that I’m gone. I do get 1/2 day off for every day I’m gone, 5 weeks vacation, and the pay is good… so it isn’t all bad. I don’t know if that is reasonable or not but it definitely isn’t for every family.

I would say that if you aren’t happy with the travel it is better to get out earlier rather than later. It can be difficult to get out once you’ve become dependent on the pay and have all your experience in one field. Plus I’ve done engineering work from behind a desk and it is incredibly boring. At least with the job I have now I get to travel and work with my hands.

One thing that stuck out to me is that you aren’t getting paid all that well. If you’re going to be gone away from your family then you might as well get compensated for it. Maybe it is time to do a salary comparison and ask for a raise. I know I was underpaid for a while because I was too shy to demand a raise.
 
john1513 said:
I know this is completely subjective but help me out and throw some numbers out based on preference or personal experience: percent of the year, durations, etc.

I’m a husband and father of 3 kids under 3 years old. I travel maybe 25% of the time at most. I’m on a three week trip now and possibly another 4-6 week trip in a few months. My wife is understandably having an incredibly difficult time while I’m gone. Its very tiring and stressful for her to keep up with the kids. She didnt like me traveling before we had kids.

This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry; I’m an engineer working federal contracts. I try to work no more than 40 hours per week and I’d prefer not to travel. It seems like travel may be part of this industry but I never imagined it when I was in school studying to be an engineer. I’m considering looking for new jobs since I don’t want to hold my company back by not traveling We’ll see.

My wife stays at home, we are not rich, I don’t so this for the money. I dont mind being poor. I thought I was just putting food on the table and I’m barely doing that sometimes! I can turn down travel but I’m not sure what that will do for my overall employment.

I don’t want to be a bad husband and father. What is your experience?
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I would look for a job that doesn’t require traveling, or tell your corrent employer you do not want to travel because it is breaking up your family. My Nephew lost his family due to traveling.

Linus2nd
 
It sounds like you may have a problem that started before you had children; your wife should have known that travel was part of the bill of goods she was signing up for. Perhaps she thought that she could marry you and change you to the person she really wanted. It is not at all unusual for someone entering marriage to realize that there is something about the other person they don’t like, and to fantasize that they can change that once they are married.

That is not to make light, at all, to the task she faces every morning when she gets up (and in the middle of the night when someone wakes up). That is a heavy burden if you have someone there to share it with.

Two suggestions - and it is your call as to which comes first: one is to get some couple marriage counseling; get a third party, neutral and trained, to help the two of you work through what is or is not acceptable.

It may well be that the current situation is not acceptable to her (understandably), but she needs to be part of the process of defining what is, and how that will be achieved.

The second is to get a head hunter, and determine either what you may need to negotiate with your current employer, and/or get help moving to something else.

She needs to be part of the solution; and she needs to understand that a solution may be that you have a different job at possibly lesser pay, possibly in another area states away from where you live now; and possibly a period of unemployment.

Life has many challenges; and sometimes, the challenges are more than we can manage. If the current situation is not manageable, it is not automatic that a change will make it better; perhaps only different.
 
Linusthe2nd said:
I would look for a job that doesn’t require traveling, or tell your corrent employer you do not want to travel because it is breaking up your family. My Nephew lost his family due to traveling.

Linus2nd
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I would recommend against trying to create a new position at work that doesn’t involve travel. We had an engineer try to pull that trick recently and it didn’t work out too well for him. You either pay the bills same as everybody else or you leave. You aren’t special and it isn’t fair to your coworkers to expect them to pick up all of your travel. Everybody has family they want to see at the end of the day. If management is going to create a new position they have to give everybody a chance to interview for it.
 
Also, mother’s-day-out! Preschool!

They won’t come to your house to help deal with bed time, but a morning off (or almost off) is golden, and it can be quite affordable.
 
One can go too far with this, but it may help to arrange for certain treats to be available when you are gone.

For instance, when my husband has to travel, we’ve started making a point of freeing up funds for me to take the kids out for lunch or dinner a couple times when he’s gone, which we wouldn’t normally do. (My kids are 11, 9 and 1, so this works for us.) In your wife’s case, occasional pizza or Chinese takeout or some sort of drive thru stuff might make her evenings alone run better.

Or, you could plan for your wife to have a visit from her mom or some other relative while you’re gone (perhaps you’ve got a helpful teenage cousin and you live in an interesting part of the country?). Or she could travel to see her family with the kids, if she’s up to it. Four to six weeks is a long time to be home alone with three under three.

If these options aren’t affordable on your salary, I would suggest that you explore ways to increase it and cut your cost of living (cheaper area, cheaper cars, whatever) and be a little less high-minded about your income–a family man has to think about money.
 
otjm said:
It sounds like you may have a problem that started before you had children; your wife should have known that travel was part of the bill of goods she was signing up for. Perhaps she thought that she could marry you and change you to the person she really wanted. It is not at all unusual for someone entering marriage to realize that there is something about the other person they don’t like, and to fantasize that they can change that once they are married.
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The OP said, “This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry,” so no, this is not the situation that the OP’s wife married.
 
My father was an engineer. He was often gone for 3 -5 weeks at a time, and given his work that never changed. My mother knew this was possible when they married, and she made the sacrifices required. So did we.

We grew up understanding that this was the reality of my father’s work, not with the expectation that he had to be home all the time to be a good father. The last 7 years on the job he worked 7 days of week for an average of 16-20 hours a day. He was home only long enough to sleep around 3 hours and eat. It was hard on everyone, but it was his job.

When he was growing up his father often worked 3 jobs to keep food on the table and pay the rent. They never bought a home until my dad was 16 or 17. He and his brothers understood that it was necessary for their father to work many jobs, move often, and be gone for long periods of time to provide. Not everyone can do this.

I don’t think the question of a “reasonable” amount of time away can be answered. Life often requires things we don’t like. The question is how do you handle it. If you really can’t take these kinds of hours and absences then it may be time to look for other work. But know most jobs these days, that pay any amount of money, will probably ask just as much from you. There is no such thing as a 40 hour work week for most people. Never has been, and it is worse now than ever.
 
Thanks guys! You’ve given me lots to think about.

Some clarifications:
  • Both our parents and relatives live nearby and can offer varying degrees of help but it’s not the same as a husband.
  • I live in San Antonio TX (very affordable I believe), reasonable house, paid used cars, no expensive hobbies, we’ve taken Dave Ramsey!, etc. We’re ever learning how to manage our expenses but they add up quick. I’m somewhat of a junior level EIT engineer (29 years old). I’m hoping this gets better quick!
I’ll PM you about pay situation if brought up. I need all the help I can get. This trip is the first where they paid me extra for my work here due to the extended stay and hours, which was an incredible relief for us.

I agree we need to talk more about our situation. I was told of the next travel opportunity in a few months which is unique and needs a quick answer but my wife shut down when I brought it up since the current travels are at their tail end and she does not want to think about more travel.

I realize many families make it work in the military and they are extraordinary. I think quantity time is slightly more important than quality for young children and their dads. They would rather wash dishes with me than go to Disney world.

Thank you all for your continued feedback, this is very helpful to see how bother families make it work. My parents never traveled for work so I’m in unfamiliar territory.
 
Cricket2 said:
But know most jobs these days, that pay any amount of money, will probably ask just as much from you. There is no such thing as a 40 hour work week for most people. Never has been, and it is worse now than ever.
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From what I hear, that’s very true about the 40 hour week, at least for professional jobs that can support a family.
 
Xantippe said:
The OP said, “This is the most I’ve traveled in the past 3 years and I’m not sure what the future will hold in my company and industry,” so no, this is not the situation that the OP’s wife married.
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Agreebw everything xantippe says

Yea I have no idea why anyone would suggest marriage counseling. That comment seemed wayyyy off.
 
GenerationHV said:
Agreebw everything xantippe says

Yea I have no idea why anyone would suggest marriage counseling. That comment seemed wayyyy off.
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I don’t think there are many threads in family life where counseling is not suggested by at least one poster.
 
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