What is a reasonable time-line for discerning the ending of a relationship?

[PatriceA]

That actually sounds really passive aggressive to me…

Same here. I think if I was the girl, I would want you to explain to me why you are breaking up with me at least. I don’t think you necessary owe her any more than an explanation, you don’t need to put any more time and effort into the relationship to make it work because it doesn’t sound like there was much to base a relationship on in the first place. It sounds like the relationship just never got off the ground. It would be different if you had had a great connection and she suddenly cooled towards you, then I think a talk would be in order to see if the relationship was worth savaging.

By the way, I don’t think there is any reasonable time line for discerning the ending of a dating relationship. You can end a relationship at any time it no longer seems to be viable, either after one or two dates or after a month. When its not working, its not working no matter how much you would like to make it so.

 

[SMHW]

On top of what everyone else has said, I think you need to honestly ask yourself, "Is this someone I wouldn’t mind having as a casual acquaintance or friend if there is littlle possibility for a romantic relationship now.

If the answer is no way then maybe it is best to end the relationship completely.

If the answer is yes then you can consider Monicad’s advice.

 

[PatrickSebast]

On top of what everyone else has said, I think you need to honestly ask yourself, "Is this someone I wouldn’t mind having as a casual acquaintance or friend if there is littlle possibility for a romantic relationship now.

If the answer is no way then maybe it is best to end the relationship completely.

If the answer is yes then you can consider Monicad’s advice.

The answer to that is definitely yes. Depressingly enough she is the exact person I would have wanted to go to in order to talk this out and clear my head if it had been another girl. Whether the friendship can be saved or not I don’t feel like that is the type of thing we will be able to talk about with each other for a long while.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Everybody handles these things differently. My own personal opinion is that if it just doesn’t feel right, and/or isn’t going anywhere, just end it. Instead of wasting energy on forcing a relationship to work and/or being depressed, direct it toward finding another beneficial relationship.

 

[underacloud]

Have you had a conversation with her about any of this? Perhaps she moves more slowly into a relationship than you do. If you haven’t, it doesn’t seem completely fair to blame her for doing things if she isn’t aware they bother you.

That’s not to say that you’re obligated to continue the relationship, if you really do feel it’s not headed where you want, or that your affection isn’t reciprocated. But since this woman has been your friend, and you do care about her, it wouldn’t hurt to let her know how you’ve been feeling and see what she has to say about it. If her response isn’t one you can live with, that’s okay, but it’s worth a conversation at least.

Yes, it’s worth a conversation. She was, after all, your friend first and deserves your respect on that level. Be honest with her. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.

I really don’t see how honesty could hurt you here.

Let’s say for example that she just isn’t interested in dating you. That’s fine, you can both go back to being friends. There would be no need for hurt feelings on her part, and ending this now before it drains the friendship further may help save the frienship in the long run. Both my wife and I remain friends with people we dated because we had the sense to end those relationships while a frienship was still possible with those people.

The other option is that she is interested in you in a romantic way, but for some reason it has been hard to express for her. Perhaps she is simply very cautious in this regard. Or perhaps there’s something in her past which makes it hard to trust and open up to someone on an intimate level. If this is true, you could really miss out on something by ending this prematurely.

So I think have an honest chat with her. Hopefully she’ll respect your honesty and reciprocate and you can both work out what to do from there.

 

[PatrickSebast]

Well I’m glad I got a diverse range of answers so that I can at least say I was following someones advice in the matter… shame there isn’t an objective clear cut way to approach this though.

 

[Bezant]

Passive-aggressive implies (to me) some sort of manipulation or behaving in a way contrary to the way a Christian would behave.

I don’t think there is anything passive aggressive about trying to follow someone else’s cues. It was suggested to you to slowly back away and give her the chance to initiate contact so it is clear whether or not she is interested and you are not guessing because you are the only one planning things.

The problem with that response however is that she might miss the intended message, or even rationalise it away. Why waste time?

 

[SMHW]

The problem with that response however is that she might miss the intended message, or even rationalise it away. Why waste time?

Waste time?

Whose time would this be wasting? His time? Her time? The time of both of them? And how is time to discern the nature of a relationship with someone like this kind of woman wasting time? (The only way I can see it as wasting time is if it is if the OP is in a big hurry to get married.)

I see several possibilities here. This woman could be interested but she is extremely passive and just never wants to initiate anything. Perhaps she is not a particularly emotional person. She may just be extremely busy at this point in her life and truly does not have a lot of time and energy to devote to a relationship. She may be interested but she could be a bit intimidated by the OP’s seeming passion about the relationship. Or she may just not be all that interested. And those are just a few of the possibilities.

Now women with personality traits such as I have mentioned may not be good fits for the OP and that is his decision to discern.

The big question in my mind is whether the OP ***IS ***in a big hurry to get married. If that is the case he may want to find someone who has marriage rather than other activities as the main focus of her time and energy.

 

[PatrickSebast]

Waste time?

Whose time would this be wasting? His time? Her time? The time of both of them? And how is time to discern the nature of a relationship with someone like this kind of woman wasting time? (The only way I can see it as wasting time is if it is if the OP is in a big hurry to get married.)

I see several possibilities here. This woman could be interested but she is extremely passive and just never wants to initiate anything. Perhaps she is not a particularly emotional person. She may just be extremely busy at this point in her life and truly does not have a lot of time and energy to devote to a relationship. She may be interested but she could be a bit intimidated by the OP’s seeming passion about the relationship. Or she may just not be all that interested. And those are just a few of the possibilities.

Now women with personality traits such as I have mentioned may not be good fits for the OP and that is his decision to discern.

The big question in my mind is whether the OP ***IS ***in a big hurry to get married. If that is the case he may want to find someone who has marriage rather than other activities as the main focus of her time and energy.

Well, being very real here, the longer this issue goes unresolved the longer it is going to be sitting on my mind stressing me out. On one hand I have already expressed a desire to have some time with her this past weekend and we had agreed to a time but it fell through due to some unforeseen circumstances on her part (they were legitimate excuses), and in some sense I would like to wait to see if she makes any sort of effort to do anything this week/coming weekend. If nothing else it gives me a substantial example as to what the problem is if she doesn’t. On the other hand I don’t want to sit around waiting and have the result be that I have to wait another set of weeks just to break up with her in person.

So there is some time issue, at least as far as my ability to keep my emotions in check is concerned.

 

[SMHW]

So there is some time issue, at least as far as my ability to keep my emotions in check is concerned.

And so you have learned something about yourself that is good to know for the future, whether that future lies with this woman or not.

 

[PaulinVA]

… If nothing else it gives me a substantial example as to what the problem is if she doesn’t. On the other hand I don’t want to sit around waiting and have the result be that I have to wait another set of weeks just to break up with her in person.

Break up from what? If this is entirely one sided, what is there to break up from?

I say that not out of disrespect but out of curiosity. Is there a relationship here?

 

[PatrickSebast]

Break up from what? If this is entirely one sided, what is there to break up from?

I say that not out of disrespect but out of curiosity. Is there a relationship here?

There is an understood relationship. We have verbally called it dating, she expressed some feelings and desires for a future that involved me earlier on and though we agreed not to keep it secret for a time due to having several mutual friends and contacts who we didn’t want meddling (thank goodness for that) she had a much harder time keeping it in than me at first and (excitedly) blabbed to a couple of the less nosy people. She even sent me a number of flirty text messages (these have also turned cold and dry as of a week ago) that allowed me to ignore the lack of effort, time and physical affection because it was at least a sign that she cared.

 

[PaulinVA]

There is an understood relationship. We have verbally called it dating, she expressed some feelings and desires for a future that involved me earlier on and though we agreed not to keep it secret for a time due to having several mutual friends and contacts who we didn’t want meddling (thank goodness for that) she had a much harder time keeping it in than me at first and (excitedly) blabbed to a couple of the less nosy people. She even sent me a number of flirty text messages (these have also turned cold and dry as of a week ago) that allowed me to ignore the lack of effort, time and physical affection because it was at least a sign that she cared.

Hmmm. Is she the one who’s trying to find a way to end it?

Okay, ask her what’s going on…

 

[PatrickSebast]

So I used the whole “We need to talk” line (more drawn out but same effect) and she was (or at least acted) far more upset and surprised about it than I expected. Now she still didn’t offer any concrete future times for this future conversation to occur so the inherit problems are still there, but now I don’t know how well I will be able to handle this. I was kind of hoping/thinking that she would be a lot more clued in and eager to end this. Oh well, I guess no one said dating was supposed to be easy.

 

[PatriceA]

So I used the whole “We need to talk” line (more drawn out but same effect) and she was (or at least acted) far more upset and surprised about it than I expected. Now she still didn’t offer any concrete future times for this future conversation to occur so the inherit problems are still there, but now I don’t know how well I will be able to handle this. I was kind of hoping/thinking that she would be a lot more clued in and eager to end this. Oh well, I guess no one said dating was supposed to be easy.

If a female wants to really make the relationship work, she would find time to talk to you about it. She’s avoiding the situation. I think you have your answer. When I was dating my husband, we made time to address any issues the other was having, we didn’t let things linger for more than a day. There is always a way to talk when you are really invested in the relationship.

 

[Irishmom2]

Honestly? It sounds like she’s just not that into you. Sometimes people pull away and become chronically “unavailable” in an effort to get the other person to end the relationship. This is either because they don’t want to handle it themselves or feel the other person would be too upset about getting “dumped.” You say you don’t want to hurt this girl - well, what if she doesn’t want to hurt you either?

If this girl were crazy about you, her studying would be suffering - not your relationship.

She may be too busy to be in a relationship, but since she isn’t really saying that with words, I agree that she just may not be that into you. If she was, she would show it.

The fact that youdo not see things reciprocated could just be you having different expectations than her also. But if you don’t feel emotionally comfortable, it may be better to just pull away and go back to what you had before. I am not sure there is a need for a big announcement that you are breaking it off. It seems like you two don’t really have much of a “relationship” going on, you could just go back to being friends then if that is what you desire if you don’t make a big announcement.

Sorry this didn’t go the way you had hoped, but no relationship is a waste of time. You can use this as a way to know what you really want and need from someone for next time. It is a learning experience.

 

[PatrickSebast]

If a female wants to really make the relationship work, she would find time to talk to you about it. She’s avoiding the situation. I think you have your answer. When I was dating my husband, we made time to address any issues the other was having, we didn’t let things linger for more than a day. There is always a way to talk when you are really invested in the relationship.

Thanks for that, I needed to hear it. I wish I could talk to some of my closer friends about this, but as we agreed (on my initiative) to keep the relationship a secret in it’s early stages I feel like saying stuff to someone when it is going bad is just a betrayal. Especially considering the people I would tell are mutual friends and as I have better standing with most of them and I could unintentionally impact her reputation among them negatively…

So anonymous forums may not be the best, but at least you have provided me with something.

 

[Irishmom2]

Thanks for that, I needed to hear it. I wish I could talk to some of my closer friends about this, but as we agreed (on my initiative) to keep the relationship a secret in it’s early stages I feel like saying stuff to someone when it is going bad is just a betrayal. Especially considering the people I would tell are mutual friends and as I have better standing with most of them and I could unintentionally impact her reputation among them negatively…

So anonymous forums may not be the best, but at least you have provided me with something.

I forgot the part abpout the keeping the relationship secret. Now it just seems odd, like she knew it wasn’t going to work or something so she didn’t want anyone to ever know you ever were in a relationship. I would never agree to this. Someone wants to keep you a secret? Is she ashamed of you that she would suggest that? I don’t think any good can come from secret realtionships.

 

[PatrickSebast]

I forgot the part abpout the keeping the relationship secret. Now it just seems odd, like she knew it wasn’t going to work or something so she didn’t want anyone to ever know you ever were in a relationship. I would never agree to this. Someone wants to keep you a secret? Is she ashamed of you that she would suggest that? I don’t think any good can come from secret realtionships.

That was my suggestion actually. I am a relatively private person who by the nature of my very centralized role in organizing and coordinating activities for our local Catholic Young Adult Ministries group and my involvement as a founder and member of a formational faith community/house for Young Adults tends to live a. She agreed because she didn’t really like the idea of being talked about, but even at the start she didn’t have expectations or demands regarding it and somewhat bent outside of the agreement. So any fault in that aspect lies with me.

 

[underacloud]

So I used the whole “We need to talk” line (more drawn out but same effect) and she was (or at least acted) far more upset and surprised about it than I expected. Now she still didn’t offer any concrete future times for this future conversation to occur so the inherit problems are still there, but now I don’t know how well I will be able to handle this. I was kind of hoping/thinking that she would be a lot more clued in and eager to end this. Oh well, I guess no one said dating was supposed to be easy.

Give her some time.

Sometimes dating is easy. Often it is not. And really, anything important in life requires some effort. For some people the vulnerability that is required to grow a relationship from its early stages is hard to embrace. She may, for a variety of reasons, just need some more time to open up. If this is the case, you may find a little patience is well rewarded. Given you were previously friends, I assume you see many wonderful qualities in her already, so she may be a very special person who just needs some patience on your part.

I understand that it is frustrating, of course. But even if this is heading for an end, I don’t see that you’ve got a lot to lose by being patient anyway.