What is allowed in premarital relationships?

[Zaista]

This is a chastity question and a very vague one too. I honestly don’t know any other way of asking it. So the question is:

What is allowed in non-marital romantic relationships?

My girlfriend and I are trying to navigate this very complicated path. We’re going to have a serious discussion about it later so I thought it would be a good idea to get different perspectives on the issue before I talk with her. I am 23, still a virgin and promised God, myself and my future wife that I will wait until marriage to have sex. I haven’t engaged in any other form of sexual activity (oral, manual, petting, fondling, etc). My girlfriend is 20, also wants to wait and is a practicing Evangelical.

The problem here is that she is a little bit more permissible with some activities than I am. I am not talking about “heavy” sexual stuff but things like flirty chit-chat every once in a blue moon,cuddling, lip biting, etc.

I know the our goal shouldn’t be to push it as far as we can without crossing the line; fence sitting is a dangerous thing, but the question I never get answered is, how far is far enough? I get general answers like, “avoid things that can lead to an occasion of sin” but honestly, just about anything a couple does can lead to an occasion of sin; kissing, holding hands, etc,studying together, cleaning together. Something as simple as holding hands can get me “excited” and most certainly can lead to an occasion of sin. A simple touch or shoulder rub with her is enough to set a spark off. (The males here know what I am talking about). I know chastity isn’t about seeing how much fun you can have without going to far or trying to go too close to the edge without falling off. It’s about preserving as much as you can for God and your future spouse **just what is allow and what isn’t allowed? What is too restrictive? ** I’d appreciate a few examples of dos and don’ts.

Sorry for the typos!

 

[1ke]

Well, would you do whatever you are contemplating with her or your parents in the room with you? If not, then you probably have your answer.

 

[Burdensome1]

A simple touch or shoulder rub with her is enough to set a spark off. (The males here know what I am talking about).

Finally, an honest male.

Sounds to me like you already know this issue pretty darn well. I’d like to personally ask you to stay in this forum and post in threads of this type, where some honest male perspective is sorely needed.

My thought on your question is - it’s much easier to set a spark off when you are alone and know that you will be alone for a long period of time. That’s the key in my opinion. If you want to be totally up front about it, involve any responsible parents in your lives in the issue and say “Help us out”.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What’s a Catholic young man doing dating an Evangelical in the first place? You are really discerning marrying this young lady?

 

[Burdensome1]

What’s a Catholic young man doing dating an Evangelical in the first place?

I’ll be this has something to do with it:

My girlfriend is 20, also wants to wait

You are really discerning marrying this young lady?

I sure hope so. Marrying a Protestant isn’t a sin. If she’s taking her faith that seriously, she sounds like an excellent convert in the making.

My girlfriend is 20, also wants to wait

Deo Gratias some people like this still exist. Ecumenism in action, baby.

 

[cheezey]

‘for whenever two or more of you are gathered in his name, there is love.’

yes, there are the rules and regulations, but if there is love…
thank goodness he is asking. though it could present too much of a gap between their faiths, THEY HAVE FAITH. Nor should we judge who he loves. He loves another child of God.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ll be this has something to do with it:

I sure hope so. Marrying a Protestant isn’t a sin. If she’s taking her faith that seriously, she sounds like an excellent convert in the making.

Deo Gratias some people like this still exist. Ecumenism in action, baby.

Just being chaste before marriage (while admirable) doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. It may not be a sin, but it’s also not recommended. I don’t know any evangelicals who believe that the Catholic Church is even Christian, so good luck with building your life on solid ground.

NO ONE should marry another person based on a belief that he/she could convert.

 

[R1ch4rd]

Just being chaste before marriage (while admirable) doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. It may not be a sin, but it’s also not recommended. I don’t know any evangelicals who believe that the Catholic Church is even Christian, so good luck with building your life on solid ground.

NO ONE should marry another person based on a belief that he/she could convert.

Just being Catholic (while admirable) doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage either. Considering that about 25% of the population is Catholic, there’s a better chance of falling in love with a non-Catholic and some of those marriages are a lot better then some Catholic marriages.

 

[cheezey]

“I don’t know any evangelicals who believe that the Catholic Church is even Christian…”

There are PLENTY of Protestants, evangelicals who recognize that the Catholics are Christians. Most acknowledge that they are the ones who started the ball game. Humanly, that is.

 

[CatholicServant]

What’s a Catholic young man doing dating an Evangelical in the first place? You are really discerning marrying this young lady?

I agree - make sure to truly contemplate a divided religious household - especially when it comes to children.

God bless you and her on this journey.

 

[april32010]

TheRealJuliane is correct.

no,she isn’t

 

[Bookcat]

ewtn.com/expert/answers/dating.htm from a writer at EWTN Theology Dept…it will be of great help!

(One note though on this reading…I would note that when they say “as soon as he begins to enjoy…” under “pure intent”… it would mean before knowing consent…)

 

[Bookcat]

Catechism:

1633 In many countries the situation of a mixed marriage (marriage between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic) often arises. It requires particular attention on the part of couples and their pastors. A case of marriage with disparity of cult (between a Catholic and a non-baptized person) requires even greater circumspection.

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise.

1635 According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority.137 In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage.138 This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.139

1636 Through ecumenical dialogue Christian communities in many regions have been able to put into effect a common pastoral practice for mixed marriages. Its task is to help such couples live out their particular situation in the light of faith, overcome the tensions between the couple’s obligations to each other and towards their ecclesial communities, and encourage the flowering of what is common to them in faith and respect for what separates them.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#II

 

[bzkoss236]

Just being chaste before marriage (while admirable) doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. It may not be a sin, but it’s also not recommended. I don’t know any evangelicals who believe that the Catholic Church is even Christian, so good luck with building your life on solid ground.

My fiancee is an evangelical non-denominational Christian, and she most certainly thinks that the Catholic Church is Christian. It may just be where you are, but where I am, quite a lot of Evangelicals recognize the Catholic Church as Christian, albeit they may think we are in err, but they still think we are Christian.

Me and my fiancee are getting married in a few weeks now, and our mission is to seek Truth, and by doing so growing closer to Christ. She has come to learn more and more about the Catholic faith, and has come to understand, if not believe herself, many of the Church’s teachings. She may never become Catholic, but I’m okay with that, as long as she continues to seek Truth. There are still things which impede her from being able to become Catholic, which are mainly doctrinal, but she loves the liturgical style of the Mass, and the music.

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t judge based on a name or how one classifies themselves. What makes a successful marriage in such cases is, as is with any marriage, is communication. We talk about everything, including theology.

NO ONE should marry another person based on a belief that he/she could convert.

This is certainly true. It’s the same mentality as why a woman shouldn’t date a guy expecting to be able to “set him straight” or “change his ways”.

Anyways, back to the OP: My rule is, don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in a public restaurant. The parents thing is a bit more conservative, which for some may be good, but at least keep yourself from doing anything you wouldn’t do in public view.

 

[Bookcat]

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#II

 

[TheRealJuliane]

no,she isn’t

It’s just a joke, hon. Don’t get your knickers in a knot about it.

 

[R1ch4rd]

It’s just a joke, hon. Don’t get your knickers in a knot about it.

Must be that Texas sense of humor. Went right over my head too, but I’m kinda short anyway

 

[Anthony_V]

This is a chastity question and a very vague one too. I honestly don’t know any other way of asking it. So the question is:

What is allowed in non-marital romantic relationships?

My girlfriend and I are trying to navigate this very complicated path. We’re going to have a serious discussion about it later so I thought it would be a good idea to get different perspectives on the issue before I talk with her. I am 23, still a virgin and promised God, myself and my future wife that I will wait until marriage to have sex. I haven’t engaged in any other form of sexual activity (oral, manual, petting, fondling, etc). My girlfriend is 20, also wants to wait and is a practicing Evangelical.

The problem here is that she is a little bit more permissible with some activities than I am. I am not talking about “heavy” sexual stuff but things like flirty chit-chat every once in a blue moon,cuddling, lip biting, etc.

I know the our goal shouldn’t be to push it as far as we can without crossing the line; fence sitting is a dangerous thing, but the question I never get answered is, how far is far enough? I get general answers like, “avoid things that can lead to an occasion of sin” but honestly, just about anything a couple does can lead to an occasion of sin; kissing, holding hands, etc,studying together, cleaning together. Something as simple as holding hands can get me “excited” and most certainly can lead to an occasion of sin. A simple touch or shoulder rub with her is enough to set a spark off. (The males here know what I am talking about). I know chastity isn’t about seeing how much fun you can have without going to far or trying to go too close to the edge without falling off. It’s about preserving as much as you can for God and your future spouse **just what is allow and what isn’t allowed? What is too restrictive? ** I’d appreciate a few examples of dos and don’ts.

Sorry for the typos!

If you don’t have it, don’t touch it. Use touch for emotional bonding only.

 

[Zaista]

Finally, an honest male.

Sounds to me like you already know this issue pretty darn well. I’d like to personally ask you to stay in this forum and post in threads of this type, where some honest male perspective is sorely needed.

My thought on your question is - it’s much easier to set a spark off when you are alone and know that you will be alone for a long period of time. That’s the key in my opinion. If you want to be totally up front about it, involve any responsible parents in your lives in the issue and say “Help us out”.

I’ve had some close calls and I know how easy it is for things to snowball. Being real with myself, being aware of what happened and what could happen is the best way to be prepared. It’s how I’ve made it this far.

Thanks for the advice! It is really practical and most importantly it is very applicable to our lives. Again, I really appreciate it!

ewtn.com/expert/answers/dating.htm from a writer at EWTN Theology Dept…it will be of great help!

(One note though on this reading…I would note that when they say “as soon as he begins to enjoy…” under “pure intent”… it would mean before knowing consent…)

Thanks for the link. I am at work so I was only able to scan through it quickly but I will read it more carefully when I get some free time.

Just being chaste before marriage (while admirable) doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. It may not be a sin, but it’s also not recommended. I don’t know any evangelicals who believe that the Catholic Church is even Christian, so good luck with building your life on solid ground.

NO ONE should marry another person based on a belief that he/she could convert.

The ironic thing here was that, originally, I was the one who had a problem with her not being Catholic. She on the other hand didn’t make my religion an issue at all, ever. Sadly, the few fights we had about religion were instigated by me and she was always accepting of me and my catholicity, while I wasn’t accepting of her views.

The important thing is that I’ve found someone who taught me and counties to teach me what self-giving love is about; a love that reminds me of God’s love for me. Someone who is willing to quickly forgive my transgressions. Someone who is God-fearing. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak about God or the things he has done in her life. Someone I could pray with every night (and we do). Someone who enjoys going to church. Someone who wants God to be part of our relationship. Someone who is patient with me.

I call her my Proverbs 31 and to top it all off she’s the incarnation of physical beauty; she’s a sight to behold! In fact I was shocked to learn that she had an interest in me, given the number of men who chase her and her physical beauty. She said my spirituality, the fact that I was a virgin and my values caught her attention and that was something I never heard from any of the women in my parish. With that said, I pray to God she says, “yes” to me, when that time comes. I’m not saying we won’t have our challenges however those are challenges I am sure we can overcome, with the help of God.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, God bless you and I pray it works out.

I really do.