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Elzee
Guest
Can anybody (deacons or deacons’ wives) offer any thoughts? Ups, downs?
- Status
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Jeanette_Dean
Guest
Elzee,
I have been the wife of a Deacon since January 25, 2003. My husband and I attended the Deaconate classes together for 4 years before his ordination. This time together was a wonderful way to learn more about our faith and for our love of the Lord to grow even deeper.
These last four years as a Deacon’s wife has been a blessed time for me. I was nervous at first - ever vigilant to be on my best behavior - never knowing who from the church would see me out and about. I have learned to relax - and to behave like all of God’s children are called to behave - honoring, respecting and loving all with whom we come in contact (actually this is a continual learning process - but I am getting better).
As a Deacon’s wife, members of the congregation expect me to be as knowledgable as my husband on matters of Church dogma and doctrine. This has challenged me to continue to grow in my knowledge of the Church’s wisdom and teachings - not only the “whats”, but the “whys” as well. Of course, this is a life long journey.
My challenge as a Deacon’s wife is to remember the names and faces of all those in our faith community. With over a thousand families in our parish, this is difficult for me - but I continue to meet and get to know more and more members of our congregation as time passes by.
My husband and I make it a point to have “dates” together and to coordinate our commitments so we are not always "passing in the night. We challenge each other to learn to say “no” (a word we’ve had to add to our vocabulary) but also to take on new and challenging responsibilities so that we can continue to grow as spiritual beings. We are celebrating our 33rd anniversary on May 19 and our marriage has become stronger since his ordination.
I love my Catholic faith and I feel blessed for having this opportunity to grow ever deeper in love with our Lord.
I hope this helps with your question.
God Bless,
Jeanette
I have been the wife of a Deacon since January 25, 2003. My husband and I attended the Deaconate classes together for 4 years before his ordination. This time together was a wonderful way to learn more about our faith and for our love of the Lord to grow even deeper.
These last four years as a Deacon’s wife has been a blessed time for me. I was nervous at first - ever vigilant to be on my best behavior - never knowing who from the church would see me out and about. I have learned to relax - and to behave like all of God’s children are called to behave - honoring, respecting and loving all with whom we come in contact (actually this is a continual learning process - but I am getting better).
As a Deacon’s wife, members of the congregation expect me to be as knowledgable as my husband on matters of Church dogma and doctrine. This has challenged me to continue to grow in my knowledge of the Church’s wisdom and teachings - not only the “whats”, but the “whys” as well. Of course, this is a life long journey.
My challenge as a Deacon’s wife is to remember the names and faces of all those in our faith community. With over a thousand families in our parish, this is difficult for me - but I continue to meet and get to know more and more members of our congregation as time passes by.
My husband and I make it a point to have “dates” together and to coordinate our commitments so we are not always "passing in the night. We challenge each other to learn to say “no” (a word we’ve had to add to our vocabulary) but also to take on new and challenging responsibilities so that we can continue to grow as spiritual beings. We are celebrating our 33rd anniversary on May 19 and our marriage has become stronger since his ordination.
I love my Catholic faith and I feel blessed for having this opportunity to grow ever deeper in love with our Lord.
I hope this helps with your question.
God Bless,
Jeanette
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gabangel
Guest
*Hi!
Thank you for posting. It does sound like a tremendous responsibility to be a deacon’s wife. It sounds like God just doesn’t call the husband, but also the wife.
Although I do not think I could do this, you have been blessed with graces to support your husband, your Church and be a witness while balancing your life. “No” is a good word to know!
Do other wives you know in this situation think along the same lines? Are they usually quite involved with their Church?
I saw a post here where someone called the wife of a deacon a deaconess??? I think there are a lot of misconceptions about that. I also think that more needs to be explained about the role of a deacon so those in the congregation aren’t saying to themselves, “Can he really do that?”
Thanks again for sharing.
Elzee, is your husband being called to be a deacon?*
Thank you for posting. It does sound like a tremendous responsibility to be a deacon’s wife. It sounds like God just doesn’t call the husband, but also the wife.
Although I do not think I could do this, you have been blessed with graces to support your husband, your Church and be a witness while balancing your life. “No” is a good word to know!
Do other wives you know in this situation think along the same lines? Are they usually quite involved with their Church?
I saw a post here where someone called the wife of a deacon a deaconess??? I think there are a lot of misconceptions about that. I also think that more needs to be explained about the role of a deacon so those in the congregation aren’t saying to themselves, “Can he really do that?”
Thanks again for sharing.
Elzee, is your husband being called to be a deacon?*
S
stbruno
Guest
I asked my wife to respond to this one…here goes!
Like Jeanette Dean, I too participated 100% in my husband’s formation classes. I loved learning more and more about our faith. I received the title of lay minister and have an active personal ministry to the teens of our parish and share ministries with my husband as well. We do marriage and baptismal prep at two parishes as well have become FOCCUS facilitators for the Family Ministry of our diocese.
We have grown so much closer in our faith, as we pray the Liturgy of the Hours together and also go to weekly Eucharistic adoration together. People of our parish have come to depend on us for consolation, prayers and also resource material.
It has strengthened our family especially our sons who regularly practice their faith unashamedly in their respective colleges. Our youngest son even outwardly defends his faith and invites non-Catholics to his college’s Newman Center Sunday masses.
So many doors have been opened to us. The people we meet in our ministry, our fellow deacons, even our local bishops have been a great asset to us in our own journey of faith.
We are very busy, but I don’t think we would have it any other way. If you are contemplating it…seek some spiritual direction…go to the information nights. Talk to the deacon’s wife at your home parish or neighboring parishes.
The best part, is the great change I see in my husband whenever he preaches, ministers, evangelizes…I am very proud and hopeful that through our combined efforts, we can lead more people to Jesus.
Not only that, in many deacon families in our dioceses, vocations have been sparked…we have several who have sons in the seminary, and daughters who have become religious.
Like Jeanette Dean, I too participated 100% in my husband’s formation classes. I loved learning more and more about our faith. I received the title of lay minister and have an active personal ministry to the teens of our parish and share ministries with my husband as well. We do marriage and baptismal prep at two parishes as well have become FOCCUS facilitators for the Family Ministry of our diocese.
We have grown so much closer in our faith, as we pray the Liturgy of the Hours together and also go to weekly Eucharistic adoration together. People of our parish have come to depend on us for consolation, prayers and also resource material.
It has strengthened our family especially our sons who regularly practice their faith unashamedly in their respective colleges. Our youngest son even outwardly defends his faith and invites non-Catholics to his college’s Newman Center Sunday masses.
So many doors have been opened to us. The people we meet in our ministry, our fellow deacons, even our local bishops have been a great asset to us in our own journey of faith.
We are very busy, but I don’t think we would have it any other way. If you are contemplating it…seek some spiritual direction…go to the information nights. Talk to the deacon’s wife at your home parish or neighboring parishes.
The best part, is the great change I see in my husband whenever he preaches, ministers, evangelizes…I am very proud and hopeful that through our combined efforts, we can lead more people to Jesus.
Not only that, in many deacon families in our dioceses, vocations have been sparked…we have several who have sons in the seminary, and daughters who have become religious.
J
johnnydigit
Guest
i’ve spoken briefly to a few deacons, and it just seemed like their wives practically deacons themselves. they go through all the classes, hardships, and whatnot their husbands go through. after all, they are “one flesh”.
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scylla
Guest
For the most part you will see most deacons wifes very faithful and supportive of their husbands. It is tough to have a man who has to spend so much time involved in the Church. It is tough on marriages and has to involve both the husband and wife.
This takes enormous dedication on both parts, and requires a humble wife and a man dedicated to service.
I have been involved in the deaconate formation program participating with my wife and other couples.
In some instances you will see some dioceses encouraging a sort of quasi female-deacon, (their idea of encouraging the wives to be involved.) This is unfortunate as it induces pride in the women to think that they are somehow being ordained themselves. I have seen this in my liberal diocese, but of course we are out here in wacky California so things like this are not extraordinary.
I am all for women to be involved but respect them enough to encourage them to love being women. Feminists think that women are only empowered when they imitate men.
We need to remember that we should serve God then man. Our own interest should be service not position. This is why the feminists are so angry all the time, since they seek positions of pride instead of service. Instead of having the peace of obedience, they have the sin of pride which never gives peace.
If there are any primary obstacles to being a good deacons wife or a good deacon, it is pride. A person should respond to the call to be a deacon or the wife of a deacon with humilty and a call to serve other people, submitting their lives to God’s will.
In Christ
Scylla
This takes enormous dedication on both parts, and requires a humble wife and a man dedicated to service.
I have been involved in the deaconate formation program participating with my wife and other couples.
In some instances you will see some dioceses encouraging a sort of quasi female-deacon, (their idea of encouraging the wives to be involved.) This is unfortunate as it induces pride in the women to think that they are somehow being ordained themselves. I have seen this in my liberal diocese, but of course we are out here in wacky California so things like this are not extraordinary.
I am all for women to be involved but respect them enough to encourage them to love being women. Feminists think that women are only empowered when they imitate men.
We need to remember that we should serve God then man. Our own interest should be service not position. This is why the feminists are so angry all the time, since they seek positions of pride instead of service. Instead of having the peace of obedience, they have the sin of pride which never gives peace.
If there are any primary obstacles to being a good deacons wife or a good deacon, it is pride. A person should respond to the call to be a deacon or the wife of a deacon with humilty and a call to serve other people, submitting their lives to God’s will.
In Christ
Scylla
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stbruno
Guest
One more thing…you live in a type of fishbowl environment. People in the parish expect you to be a role model and your family as well. It’s an awesome responsibility but you also derive much respect for your spouse is the deacon.
Life is never the same though…and I am glad it’s not.
Life is never the same though…and I am glad it’s not.
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BlestOne
Guest
I want to thank everyone here. I too have been wondering about this as my dh is discerning this call. The only part that worries me at the moment is that I am 10 yrs older than he and if I were to die, he would not be permitted to remarry. He is still a young man, relatively speaking, and I don’t picture him raising his 12 yo daughter by himself.
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DL82
Guest
How much is expected of a Deacon? I understand that Deacons have to be self-supporting, but is it possible to hold down a full-time job and be a Deacon? Most of the permanent Deacons I’ve seen are older, either semi-retired or taken early retirement. Are you under the same kind of obedience as a priest, i.e. can be sent to a different parish by your Bishop, or are married Deacons allowed to remain settled in one parish for the sake of their families?
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Elzee
Guest
I know several Deacons in our diocses who are not retired. One is in his early fifties, another one is fairly young - early thirties maybe with 3 small children. I would think the years of preparation would be very difficult in that situation. I’m not sure what all is involved, but I understand some diocese want the wives to go through the training with their husbands - babysitting always comes to mind on how young families juggle this.
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Titus
Guest
I don’t think deacons may be ordained until 35 (if celibate) or 40 (if married), primarily to avoid the problem you described. Maybe he is just youthful looking…
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stbruno
Guest
35 is the age for all deacons married or celibate.
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Brendan
Guest
Yes, it’s possible.
I’m studying towards the Diaconate myself. It’s a balance between classes and ministry work, but it’s certainly do-able.
As far as obediece, yes a Deacon is under the same obedience to the Bishop that a priest is.
That said, a Bishop will usually attempt to balance the service needs of the diocese with the live of the Deacon.
In the Archdiocese of Detroit, a Deacon will generally be assigned to a parish in the same Vicariate in which he lives. The term of Assignment is 3 years.
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envchemist
Guest
I looked this up because as a Deacon’s wife I realize that life is different after ordination. My husband was ordained about 2 months ago. There is tremendous grace in the Sacrament of Holy Orders–for both of you—thanks be to God. I’m still struggling with the fishbowl and the very different weekends. I unfortunately was not able to attend classes as we had one young one still home. I think if you can attend you should. As far as being knowledgable…I’m fortunate in that we have both participated in Scripture study, teaching etc for quite a while–but if I could have gone to classes I would have.
As far as how young families handle this, well we are both in our 50s…we had our last child when I was 40. I do know some families that were involved in discernment. One of them had 3 or 4 young children. I’m guessing they were asked to come back when the kids are older.
You should also know (if you don’t) that once a man has received the Sacrament he is not allowed to marry again if his wife dies. This is in concrete unless small children are involved and a mother is needed. Even then, the request for an ordained Deacon to Marry has to go to Rome. You may think this is unfair. But I think it’s wisdom. I can even see that in my husband that the Sacrament has, indeed, set him apart. I question if a young wife or a second wife could or would understand.
As far as how young families handle this, well we are both in our 50s…we had our last child when I was 40. I do know some families that were involved in discernment. One of them had 3 or 4 young children. I’m guessing they were asked to come back when the kids are older.
You should also know (if you don’t) that once a man has received the Sacrament he is not allowed to marry again if his wife dies. This is in concrete unless small children are involved and a mother is needed. Even then, the request for an ordained Deacon to Marry has to go to Rome. You may think this is unfair. But I think it’s wisdom. I can even see that in my husband that the Sacrament has, indeed, set him apart. I question if a young wife or a second wife could or would understand.
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PaperSmyth
Guest
Dear Elzee,
My father is a deacon, and I am in my mid-30’s. He was ordained at age 33 and about 10 months, with special permission from Rome. He was in his mid 20’s when I was born, so . . . you do the math on this one.
Yes, my dad had a regular job (and not an easy one), and the church work is extra and unpaid. He is over 60 now, but still does work as a carpenter/contractor part time. But really, we all should do a kind of second job (or first job, for some of us) in our parishes, anyway, even if it is just praying for the community.
I was the oldest of their 3 children, and they left us with a babysitter most Tuesday nights for over 3 and one half years. We survived! They continue to attend annual retreats and classes as frequently as their schedule allows with those in formation and those already ordained. The deaconate was how my parents chose to support the Church, as they really believed they would never have great financial wealth.
The hardest part, long term, for my mom, has been the “fishbowl” situation. She handles herself well in public and has been involved with church ministries since she was a little girl, but I think the expectations are really outrageous at times. She can become really embarrassed if put on the spot because no one can know everything, even though she continues to read and study scripture, help direct parish RCIA, etc. In a rural area with one priest for every county in some places, the fishbowl can be a real pain.
[SIGN]Yes, it is worth it, however. [/SIGN]
My mother and dad have spent an incredible amount of time building their spirituality and even doing everyday things together (i.e. time in the car to and from “formation”). They pray together, understand how to relate to God better because of all the examples (friends, priests, spiritual directors, even bishops), and were much more forgiving and “real” parents (except I didn’t realize this 'til I was in my 20’s). When something is spiritually off-center, they can’t hide that from each other, which after 12+ years of marriage I have realized is an asset, not a liability.
The saddest thing has been watching some less dedicated deacons and wives wander away from the deaconate community, and my mother, especially, is really sad about this.
However, I would say that the formation, community, and prayer life has been a real blessing to my parents and my whole family.
Hope this all makes sense to these fine folks and I have said what I should, Lord. Amen
My father is a deacon, and I am in my mid-30’s. He was ordained at age 33 and about 10 months, with special permission from Rome. He was in his mid 20’s when I was born, so . . . you do the math on this one.
Yes, my dad had a regular job (and not an easy one), and the church work is extra and unpaid. He is over 60 now, but still does work as a carpenter/contractor part time. But really, we all should do a kind of second job (or first job, for some of us) in our parishes, anyway, even if it is just praying for the community.
I was the oldest of their 3 children, and they left us with a babysitter most Tuesday nights for over 3 and one half years. We survived! They continue to attend annual retreats and classes as frequently as their schedule allows with those in formation and those already ordained. The deaconate was how my parents chose to support the Church, as they really believed they would never have great financial wealth.
The hardest part, long term, for my mom, has been the “fishbowl” situation. She handles herself well in public and has been involved with church ministries since she was a little girl, but I think the expectations are really outrageous at times. She can become really embarrassed if put on the spot because no one can know everything, even though she continues to read and study scripture, help direct parish RCIA, etc. In a rural area with one priest for every county in some places, the fishbowl can be a real pain.
[SIGN]Yes, it is worth it, however. [/SIGN]
My mother and dad have spent an incredible amount of time building their spirituality and even doing everyday things together (i.e. time in the car to and from “formation”). They pray together, understand how to relate to God better because of all the examples (friends, priests, spiritual directors, even bishops), and were much more forgiving and “real” parents (except I didn’t realize this 'til I was in my 20’s). When something is spiritually off-center, they can’t hide that from each other, which after 12+ years of marriage I have realized is an asset, not a liability.
The saddest thing has been watching some less dedicated deacons and wives wander away from the deaconate community, and my mother, especially, is really sad about this.
However, I would say that the formation, community, and prayer life has been a real blessing to my parents and my whole family.
Hope this all makes sense to these fine folks and I have said what I should, Lord. Amen - Status