What is licit in marriage?

[catholiclady11]

Here is a 2 part question:

Is it morally licit to ask your spouse to do certain things to increase ones own pleasure within the marriage act or it that considered too selfish and thus a sin? Or, is it considered acceptable?

If a person had done this within the marriage act and then received most holy eucharist, would it be mortally sinful?

 

[Brandall]

Here is a 2 part question:

Is it morally licit to ask your spouse to do certain things to increase ones own pleasure within the marriage act or it that considered too selfish and thus a sin? Or, is it considered acceptable?

If a person had done this within the marriage act and then received most holy eucharist, would it be mortally sinful?

You’ll likely get answers that run the gamut. I’ve researched this a lot and have found varied answers. Some as open to anything is permissible as long as it finishes in a way that could conceive a child. Others as strict as only those things that could conceive a child.

btw, I’m just assuming you’re referring to intimate acts. If not, my apologies.

 

[Joe_5859]

No, it is not inherently sinful to give your spouse guidance on what works and what doesn’t work in this area. That’s just part of marital communication.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that “anything goes”, but I don’t think that’s the question you were asking.

Desiring things that are pleasurable is not selfish or sinful in and of itself. It could be. But is not necessarily so. A person certainly could go overboard and demand too much with no regard for their spouse at all. That would be selfish and sinful. My guess would be that if you are cognizant enough of the potential pitfall to ask this question, this is probably not the case for you.

As with all these types of questions, if you are in doubt, the guidance of a priest is helpful.

 

[Polycarp1]

Remember love wants to give, lust wants to take. Love would not ask someone to do anything they are not comfortable with.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I don’t see anything wrong with guiding your spouse. Or telling them that such-and-such feels better than such-and-such. For an example:
There was a certain position that was uncomfortable for me. If I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t have known. He wasn’t being mean or doing anything wrong.
Communicating is important. You should know what turns your spouse on and what and how they like it.

 

[waywardson]

Here is a 2 part question:

Is it morally licit to ask your spouse to do certain things to increase ones own pleasure within the marriage act or it that considered too selfish and thus a sin? Or, is it considered acceptable?

If a person had done this within the marriage act and then received most holy eucharist, would it be mortally sinful?

No, it is not a sin, so long as what you are asking is not degrading or harmful to your spouse.

“The same Creator, Who in His bounty and wisdom willed to make use of the work of man and woman, by uniting them in matrimony, for the preservation and propagation of the human race, has also decreed that in this function the parties should experience pleasure and happiness of body and spirit. Husband and wife, therefore, by seeking and enjoying this pleasure do no wrong whatever. They accept what the Creator has destined for them.”

Pope Pius XII, address to Italian Midwives

The ends of marriage are the good of the spouses and the procreation of children. The marital act must conform to these ends.

What this means is that the spouses are only restricted from (1) doing something that is harmful or degrading to themselves or the other spouse and (2) impeding procreation through contraception or alternative inherently non-procreative sexual practices.

There aren’t a list of rules as far as what spouses can and can’t do in the bedroom. Have fun! Enjoy each other. Wives have a right to sexual pleasure in marriage and husbands have a duty to satisfy them. You can ask your husband to give your pleasure, you can help your husband by giving yourself pleasure as part of the act. (St. Alphonse Ligori even taught that wives that justice demanded they be allowed to pleasure themselves immediately after the act was over if their husbands failed in their duties.) This is all completely licit and not sinful.

 

[John_Martin]

Here is a 2 part question:

Is it morally licit to ask your spouse to do certain things to increase ones own pleasure within the marriage act or it that considered too selfish and thus a sin? Or, is it considered acceptable?

If a person had done this within the marriage act and then received most holy eucharist, would it be mortally sinful?

Your appetites for pleasure serve a function, they get you and your husband to want to be locked together for a goal of procreation (that is on the side of the body). On the side of the soul, your reason thinks about what is truly good as a means to the end of procreation and what is not (what is only a means to personal appetite satisfaction).
To your soul, the ends do not justify the means.
I would suggest you make a decision that you will use the virtue of prudence to make choices that fit your goal for life, married life and eternal life. Your body is for serving your soul, for uniting you to the truth and good that you know in your soul. That is why you take the wafer and drink from the cup - your body is serving your soul which wants to participate in the presence of Jesus. Physical hunger (an appetite) and physical thirst (an appetite) are not nearly satisfied with the Eucharist, but your soul, your reason, your will, direct your hands and mouth to take, eat and drink.
Sex is fun, appetites are satisfied, but not greedily or insatiably, instead, temperately, each satisfying the other rather than using the other to satisfy the self.

You are Catholic, be Catholic Proudly, with your husband and at the Eucharist.

John Martin

 

[catholiclady11]

Thanks for the replies. I do want to seek my priest’s advice, but also wanted to make sure that it is ok to go to communion. And, wanted advice for the future. It seems as though the opinions are split, but it seems it is ok to receive eucharist. Any more advice is welcome. Thanks.

 

[SwimmerGirl42]

Um, no!

It is not a sin to increase the pleasure in the ‘marriage act’. Why don’t you just say sex instead of ‘marriage act’? Are you afraid of it or something?

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks for the replies. I do want to seek my priest’s advice, but also wanted to make sure that it is ok to go to communion. And, wanted advice for the future. It seems as though the opinions are split, but it seems it is ok to receive eucharist. Any more advice is welcome. Thanks.

I don’t think that opinions are split. I think some people misunderstood your question.

Many people come to CAF asking questions like, “Now that I’m married, can I do X, Y, and Z in the bedroom?” Those questions can get a little dicey, because it’s not a matter of “anything goes” once one is married; but there is also some room for difference of opinion. I think some posters responded as if that were your question.

The way I understood your question was, “Can I give my husband tips to make things more enjoyable for me?” I think the answer to that is “Yes, unless you are asking him to do something that is – in and of itself – not moral.” Giving feedback is not selfish in and of itself, even though it is of benefit to you. I’m sure your husband will enjoy things that much more knowing that he is doing something you like as well.

Of course, if you are asking him to do things that are immoral and/or pressuring/coercing him to do things he is not comfortable with simply for your own gratification, that would be selfish. But, as I said earlier, since you care enough to come and ask the question, it seems unlikely to me that you are doing that. But maybe you have me fooled.

 

[manualman]

General tip for ladies. Hints don’t work. Men WANT you to be clear and frank with us regarding what you want and what you like. We want you to like our presents and we definitely want you to enjoy intimacy. We’re TERRIBLE at the guessing game though. HELP US! Not only is that not selfish, it can be a genuine charity towards us.

Mind you, there can be TOO much clarity sometimes. But clarity is always better than hints. Tell him what you want for christmas and tell him clearly, um, what ELSE you like!

 

[Joe_5859]

General tip for ladies. Hints don’t work. Men WANT you to be clear and frank with us regarding what you want and what you like. We want you to like our presents and we definitely want you to enjoy intimacy. We’re TERRIBLE at the guessing game though. HELP US! Not only is that not selfish, it can be a genuine charity towards us.

Mind you, there can be TOO much clarity sometimes. But clarity is always better than hints. Tell him what you want for christmas and tell him clearly, um, what ELSE you like!

I concur.