What is married life like

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Hunbleandlost16

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For all you married couples out there can you tell me what a devout catholic marriage is like in the real world? I only see failing marriages here what about the successful ones?? Thanks! And sorry this is my second post I’m full of questions tonight.
 
I of course can only answer from my own experience. I remarried (after an abusive marriage that I was able to have annulled by the Church), when I was in my 50’s. My new Spouse was not Catholic, but wanted to start RCIA and become Catholic. He attended Mass with me every week. He learned the Rosary and prayed it with me each night. He prayed for me daily, as I did for him. We had disagreements, but no real serious arguments. We never went to bed angry, but came to an agreement, even if it meant staying up until almost dawn! I was his RCIA teacher, and his sponsor for his entering the Church and for his Confirmation. He watched EWTN Catholic television almost every day. He reminded ME of Holy Days, and marked them on our Calendar. He wouldn’t miss one! He considered Ash Wednesday a day of Obligation, even though the Church didn’t, because he felt it gave him spiritual blessings. Although he was past the age of required fasting for Lent, he would never eat meat during Lent, until the Priest told him Sundays were an exception and not part of Lent. We still ate non-meat meals the entire time of Lent, except on Sunday. We never missed Christmas Mass or Easter, with the exception of one Christmas when we had a severe ice storm and Mass had to be cancelled as it was too dangerous for anyone to be out. When told he had cancer at the end, all he wanted was a Priest to bring him the Last Rites. He died with peace, trusting God. He was very devout. He became a Catholic at age 65, and I had been a Catholic since age 9. There was no doubt that he was more Catholic than I, but he always felt he wasn’t, that I was the one who was more devout. He prayed and meditated several hours a day (of course we had no children and he was retired). He gave great respect to all Priests, even those he didn’t personally like, and considered the Holy Eucharist in Communion the greatest blessing in his life. This is what a real Catholic marriage should be. He often told me that so long as he loved God first, and me second, and prayed more for my salvation than his own and my entry into Heaven, he was doing what God wanted. He felt that putting his spouse first, before himself was the heart of a Catholic marriage.
 
judynurse said:
I of course can only answer from my own experience. I remarried (after an abusive marriage that I was able to have annulled by the Church), when I was in my 50’s. My new Spouse was not Catholic, but wanted to start RCIA and become Catholic. He attended Mass with me every week. He learned the Rosary and prayed it with me each night. He prayed for me daily, as I did for him. We had disagreements, but no real serious arguments. We never went to bed angry, but came to an agreement, even if it meant staying up until almost dawn! I was his RCIA teacher, and his sponsor for his entering the Church and for his Confirmation. He watched EWTN Catholic television almost every day. He reminded ME of Holy Days, and marked them on our Calendar. He wouldn’t miss one! He considered Ash Wednesday a day of Obligation, even though the Church didn’t, because he felt it gave him spiritual blessings. We never missed Christmas Mass or Easter, with the exception of one Christmas when we had a severe ice storm and Mass had to be cancelled as it was too dangerous for anyone to be out. When told he had cancer at the end, all he wanted was a Priest to bring him the Last Rites. He died with peace, trusting God. He was very devout. He became a Catholic at age 65, and I had been a Catholic since age 9. There was no doubt that he was more Catholic than I, but he always felt he wasn’t, that I was the one who was more devout. He prayed and meditated several hours a day (of course we had no children and he was retired). He gave great respect to all Priests, even those he didn’t personally like, and considered the Holy Eucharist in Communion the greatest blessing in his life. This is what a real Catholic marriage should be. He often told me that so long as he loved God first, and me second, and prayed more for my salvation than his own and my entry into Heaven, he was doing what God wanted. He felt that putting his spouse first, before himself was the heart of Catholic marriage.
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WOW!
 
Well, if I had to say one thing about marriage, it would be it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.

Hubby & I are both cradle-Catholics, who at the time of our marriage were non-practicing. I have since returned, hubby has not. Our marriage has been validated and I pray every day that he will find his way back home.

For me, the most difficult thing is remembering that it’s not about me, it is about US. There is a lot of tongue-biting, for both of us sometimes. We are both stubborn and very set in our own ways, which in many cases are polar opposites. We share some of the same interests, but also have our own friends & hobbies, We enjoy spending time together, but also know that we each need our own space.

To be honest, I think the only “magic formula” to a good marriage is that each person accept their spouse the way God created them, and strive to bring the best out in each other.
 
Oneofthewomen said:
Well, if I had to say one thing about marriage, it would be it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.

For me, the most difficult thing is remembering that it’s not about me, it is about US.

To be honest, I think the only “magic formula” to a good marriage is that each person accept their spouse the way God created them, and strive to bring the best out in each other.
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YES, YES, YES!

Those vows that say “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” is totally true. Some days are worse that others.
Spouses DO get sick. I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My husband has to take me to all of my appointments because I haven’t gotten used to my medicine. Some days I feel like a burden because I have therapy Monday-Friday. I also have to keep following up with my primary care physician. He reminded me today that I am not a burden and that he really meant it when he said his vows.
There are some months when money is tighter than others. You go through ups and downs with this same person for the rest of your life. Not only do you have to have a romantic feeling for them, but you also need to be very close friends.
 
judynurse said:
I of course can only answer from my own experience. I remarried (after an abusive marriage that I was able to have annulled by the Church), when I was in my 50’s. My new Spouse was not Catholic, but wanted to start RCIA and become Catholic. He attended Mass with me every week. He learned the Rosary and prayed it with me each night. He prayed for me daily, as I did for him. We had disagreements, but no real serious arguments. We never went to bed angry, but came to an agreement, even if it meant staying up until almost dawn! I was his RCIA teacher, and his sponsor for his entering the Church and for his Confirmation. He watched EWTN Catholic television almost every day. He reminded ME of Holy Days, and marked them on our Calendar. He wouldn’t miss one! He considered Ash Wednesday a day of Obligation, even though the Church didn’t, because he felt it gave him spiritual blessings. Although he was past the age of required fasting for Lent, he would never eat meat during Lent, until the Priest told him Sundays were an exception and not part of Lent. We still ate non-meat meals the entire time of Lent, except on Sunday. We never missed Christmas Mass or Easter, with the exception of one Christmas when we had a severe ice storm and Mass had to be cancelled as it was too dangerous for anyone to be out. When told he had cancer at the end, all he wanted was a Priest to bring him the Last Rites. He died with peace, trusting God. He was very devout. He became a Catholic at age 65, and I had been a Catholic since age 9. There was no doubt that he was more Catholic than I, but he always felt he wasn’t, that I was the one who was more devout. He prayed and meditated several hours a day (of course we had no children and he was retired). He gave great respect to all Priests, even those he didn’t personally like, and considered the Holy Eucharist in Communion the greatest blessing in his life. This is what a real Catholic marriage should be. He often told me that so long as he loved God first, and me second, and prayed more for my salvation than his own and my entry into Heaven, he was doing what God wanted. He felt that putting his spouse first, before himself was the heart of a Catholic marriage.
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Beautiful!!! What an amazing marriage. And after all you endured earlier in life, you definitely deserved this. God bless you
 
Marriage is both more difficult and more rewarding than anything else I’ve ever done. There’s really no adequate comparison, but IME, it’s something like a very close friendship on a higher, more intimate, more vulnerable, more self-giving, and more spiritual level. :cool:

I think one of the main reasons many marriages fail is because people have this idea that marriage is about my spouse making me happy. When they start to think, “I’m not happy,” or “I’m not getting enough out of this marriage,” rarely does it occur to them to then put more effort into the relationship. Instead, they blame their spouse, and they put less effort in and expect their spouse to give more (usually without even mentioning their expectations). And the whole thing starts to break down, because now their relationship has become conditional and self-centered, rather than self-giving and loving.

See, contrary to popular belief, marriage isn’t a competition or a contract. It’s a covenant. And many people have a hard time understanding what that really means. 🤷

I really like this article; even though it’s not specifically Catholic, I think it’s a good reminder of what marriage is–and isn’t: sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

HTH! 🙂
 
For both men and women, there is only one person on this earth you should even considering marrying: that is your best friend! All too often, in our society, people mistake infatuation for real love.
The romance of a courtship soon fades and thrill of the sexual side of marriage not only quickly pales, but can become downright boreing. I know that it doesn’t seem that way to many of you in your teens and twenties, but that is because you are all victims of raging animal hormones. The stresses of everyday living in close proximity with someone with whom the romance has faded can become for many, intolerable. A left up toilet seat by the husband can easily become a major problem.
Likewise, if the wife uses her husbands razor to shave her legs, doesn’t change the blade and neglects to tell her husband about it, the next time he uses the razor to shave and takes off half his face-she better be his best friend.
The point is, you can live and be intimate on a long term basis with your best friend, you can’t do this with someone you are infatuated with.
So, if you are going to propose to someone, or if you are proposed to, ask yourself one question: “Is this person my A number 1 best friend in the whole universe?” If the answer is yes, then by all means marry him/her. If the answer is no, take a cold shower to calm down and let the other person down gently in saying no.
That little two letter word and save both of you some very expensive grief in the future!
 
I agree with the PPs. A few points I’d like to add:

-Love is a decision, not a feeling. Romance is when your husband (I am speaking as a woman here) takes you out to dinner and buys you presents. Love is when you’ve been up until 3 a.m. because the kids have a stomach bug, and you just finally crawl into bed, and your husband says “I don’t feel so good” and promptly throws up all over the bed. There’s nothing “romantic” about the latter - but it’s love that motivates you to get out of bed, march him to the bathroom, put him in the shower, and change the sheets. (My husband had to do something similar for me once, although my stepdaughter was at her mom’s that weekend so there were no kids in the house.)
-Love means that you accept someone as they are, that you decide, after you’ve seen them at their worst, that their worst is something you can live with.
-Call me old-fashioned, but I truly believe that the wife should be submissive to her husband. This is where my username, His_helpmeet, comes from. Eve was given to be a “helpmeet” to Adam. Now, that does NOT give the husband license to walk all over his wife. Remember what Scripture tells us - the head of the woman is the man, and the head of the man is Christ, and the head of Christ is God. Therefore, if a man exercises poor stewardship, he is still answerable to HIS boss. Men are called to lead their wives as Christ leads the Church, and lay down their lives as Christ did. Women are called to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. That said, it is a poor husband who would not seek the counsel of his wife when determining the best course of action to take. (My husband seeks my counsel all the time! We make big decisions together.) A good husband is always considering the well-being of his family and the counsel of his wife when making decisions.
-Pray, with each other, and for each other. My husband and I say a night prayer with our daughter (actually my stepdaughter, but we are very close) every night when she is here. We attend Mass as a family. My husband helps me teach our daughter about the faith (he is also Catholic but converted as an adult; consequently, he has less experience with teaching children - I am a cradle Catholic and used to teach catechism).
-Remember that marriage is a verb, not a noun. (A verb is an action word.) Friends of ours told us this before we got married, and I swear it is about the best advice we ever got. You NEED to take time together as a couple, just the two of you. Even if it’s something as simple as sharing a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed, or spending an evening in front of the TV watching your favourite shows together (which is what my husband and I do). It isn’t a case of you got married, and then you live happily ever after - there is no perfect “happily ever after”, and any “happily ever after” you do get takes work, particularly AFTER the marriage. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “same old, same old” and focus so much attention on your careers, children, activities, etc. that you forget to spend time with each other to renew and strengthen your commitment. Don’t feel guilty about getting a baby-sitter for a weekend once a year to take some just for the two of you - this is an investment in your marriage, which means it is also an investment in your children.
-Above all, have fun! Don’t be afraid to “be yourselves” in front of each other. This is one thing I LOVE about my husband - I can be as goofy as I want and I don’t have to worry that he’ll judge me. I can be my TRUE self, and my BEST self around him - which is why I married him. Don’t feel that you have to hide behind a mask in front of your spouse - masks are difficult to keep up for a long period of time, and eventually the mask will collapse.
 
What a beautiful piece of prose about marriage!! I was close friends with my second husband before he proposed. I almost said “no” due to bad memories of my past. So, I talked to him about them, told him all the gritty details. He said he couldn’t understand how any man could treat a woman badly, nor why a woman would let herself be so abused. But what he did understand was that I was afraid. He convinced me of his belief in the value of partnership, friendship and mutual respect & kindness for each other. I am so glad I married him. He was ill for several years before getting the cancer, and I had several surgeries also. He took good care of me when I was recovering. When he became so ill, and things would get better, and then a lot worse, I cared for him every day and felt it was a privilege to do so, because I knew he loved me, appreciated me, and needed me and because I truly and deeply loved him. And I needed his wisdom, his faith, his never-failing belief that God would do the right thing for both of us. He was and still is, the best friend I ever had in life, with the exception of Jesus, of course. And, I was also his best friend, he didn’t want or need any others. He had been married before for 38 years, and nursed his first wife for 4 years while she was dying, with great tenderness and care. I did the same for him. When he died I was heartbroken. All I could say was “God, please comfort me!” And He did. I still pat his pillow each night and ask him to pray for me, as I pray for him every night. We are still best friends and I look forward to seeing him again when I leave this world. I have never known anyone so kind, wise and faithful as my husband, except Jesus Himself. I think God sent him to me to heal me and teach me more faith & what love could and should be. Because of his faith, I am a better Catholic. Because I had to do everything for him, including feeding him, taking him to the bathroom, bathing him, etc… there was no “sexual” romance in those last years, but there certainly was LOVE – an abundance of love. If you picture the man or woman you want to marry as helpless, needing constant care, needing even the most intimate physical care from you as they are unable to do anything for you except love you and say “thank you” and still think they’re your best friend, then you’ve found someone to spend your life with. And I still had to work a full time job as a Nurse, while caring for him & take care of the house as well. It certainly wasn’t all romance or sex. It was two people determined to be partners, with him as the head of the house, with me helping in every way I could, and both of us loving God above all. That is what I think marriage is all about. After that, I have no desire to marry again, although my husband, knowing he was within days of dying, asked me to find another husband and be happy. After such a beautiful marriage, with all it’s problems and sickness, I have no desire to marry again. I’m 72, so I don’t feel the hormones that you who are young do. I do feel loneliness, but I know that my time here is now limited, and that soon I’ll never be lonely again. And, I can still talk to him in my heart and prayers, so in some ways he’s still with me. I look at his picture every day and tell him I love him. A good, Catholic marriage survives everything – money problems, health problems, work problems, even death leaves a sweet remembrance of the love.
 
Hunbleandlost16 said:
For all you married couples out there can you tell me what a devout catholic marriage is like in the real world? I only see failing marriages here what about the successful ones?? Thanks! And sorry this is my second post I’m full of questions tonight.
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The first thing I must stress is respect. My wife and I are always very respectful to each other, we never say or do cruel or unkind things to each other no matter how angry we might be with each other. That, however, is an attribute of the virtue of Compassion.

Where a Catholic marriage has the opportunity to shine is if both partners will practice the virtues in their lives and in their relationship.

It is all too easy to be taken in by lust, and cheat on your spouse or leave them to pursue other opportunities. Easy to be cruel and abusive to someone who is getting on your nerves (and anyone you live with ever will). All to easy to only worry about your own welfare and be disinterested in the welfare of your loved ones.

Virtue is the only cure and defense to such things and God is the only source of such virtue.

Compassion, Chastity, Forgiveness, these are the things that have made my relationship with my Wife phenomenal. We get comments often about how wonderful of a Marriage we have, and I can honestly say that it is entirely due to God and trying to be faithful and obedient to Him. Our relationship improves and gets stronger with each passing year, especially as we grow closer to God and invite him more and more into our relationship.

I was away from the Church for a while and our relationship suffered considerably as I became more self-absorbed. Keeping God front and center in your lives is very important.

And again the key I find is having true compassion for one another. In a good relationship you are a better person who feels stronger because of your significant other.
 
I’ve only been married 1 year and 4 1/2 months, so I’m not sure how much weight you can put on my response. 😛

We are in our mid 20s. Hubby is employed full time, I am employed part time. We both have very flexible hours and are financially comfortable. I got pregnant a month after the wedding, and we have a seven month old child. I say this because I’ve read that one of the top issues most married couples fight about is money, which is not really an issue for us. Also, adding kids to the picture puts a whole new light on things, so keep those things in mind as you read on. 😉

For me, married life has been quite easy. We do not really argue. We tend to get annoyed with each other instead of angry. If one of us hurts the other’s feelings, we confront each other using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For instance, an "I statement would be “I felt hurt when you said blah blah blah” and a “you” statement would be “You are always bothering me by saying blah blah blah.” We are able to make requests of each other to guide each other in meeting our emotional need for love. (Check our Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages for more on this.)

I’d say my husband and I are a good match because we are similar enough to be compatible but different enough to grow with each other. For instance, we are on the same page about the teachings of the Church, how many kids we want, NFP, finances, where we want to live, etc. and we also generally enjoy spending time together and doing simple everyday things together, such as going grocery shopping or taking walks with the baby. We have mutual friends and go to social events together. The differences we have balance out. He is the ultimate optimist, while I tend to be more of a worrier. My worries often help him be optimistic but also realistic and his optimism keeps me calm when I am worrying irrationally. We are best friends. When we were dating we’d sit around for hours and tell each other secrets. We’ve told each other things we’ve never told anyone else. He’s the most important thing to me other than God and I’m the most important thing to him other than God.

Parenting is a challenge. Mostly because of the sleepless nights with a baby. We do a lot to help each other - I’m breastfeeding so I’m the only one who can feed the baby, so my husband changes diapers. He also takes care of most of the cooking and housework.

Right now we are using NFP to space children so we have intimacy when we can. We are respectful of each other’s needs and I don’t think either of us feels taken advantage of. I’m usually the one who’s more reluctant, especially when I was pregnant and not feeling well, but he always respected me and never forced sex on me. I also tried to meet his needs even if I wasn’t 100% “in the mood,” and he’d do the same for me. As far as intimacy, it’s important to be honest about your needs and what’s comfortable for you and do your best to be there for the other person, all while respecting each other.

So, that’s a peek into my marriage. God bless you in your discernment.
 
Two years and a few months (and one baby) in, I think it’s wonderful! You wake up, and there’s the one you love who is going to spend the day loving you and your child. You get to pray with this person, talk over matters big and small with this person, and go places with this person. He knows you better than anyone else does, and he still loves you!

We haven’t yet been tested with the really hard times–major illness, money troubles, death of loved ones–but he’s the one who was walking me up and down the hall when I was not enjoying labor, and I’m the one who’s taken care of him after minor surgery.

Marriages change over the years. Given. We won’t always be happy. But I just don’t see how being married to my wonderful husband will ever be anything but a blessing.
 
We’ve been married 13 years, and I would say that if you want a Catholic marriage, you should do Catholic things together. We are active in the parish, as my wife and I teach religious education and I’m a lector. I’m on several various committees. My wife teaches RCIA. Whatever else the pastor needs as well, we don’t mind doing it. Our kids are altar servers and they also help out with whatever is asked.

We pray the rosary as a family, and we never miss Mass on Sundays and the holy days. There are holy symbols and pictures around the house and an Advent wreath which was just whisked away. My son recently read a book that I got him on St. Margaret Mary, and that led us all to attend First Friday masses together.

Whatever you do, try to make it a pleasure and not a chore, or at least not a total chore. And do whatever possible to do these things together.
 
This thread is awesome. My faith in marriage is being restored. :bighanky:
 
It is not a contest.

In marriage, there can not be a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’ when there is a disagreement. There is only ‘us’ and a resolution.

If you always try to ‘win’, you will lose everything.
 
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