What is my obligation re: a non-Christian friend's cohabitation?

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I’m having trouble knowing what to say to a friend of mine who is planning on moving in with her boyfriend. Said boyfriend also happens to be Catholic but isn’t practicing his faith. I admit prior to my “coming home” to the Church, as somewhat of a lapsed Protestant I verbalized excitement for her and did not discourage her when she mentioned plans like this in the future. She was raised in a very liberal, completely non-religious family. I have prayed for years for her to become Christian, and eventually began praying she would find a Christian boyfriend. My prayers were answered in that she found a Catholic man whom she will likely marry, even though he is not practicing. Prior to the beginning of my conversion I saw his faith as a mixed blessing (Catholic?!)… thankfully the Lord doesn’t take orders! I’m praying now that he will come back to the Church and bring my friend with him. In the meantime they are now planning on moving in together within a month or two. She tells me things and I’m excited that they’re moving forward in their relationship in that this is not a “let’s see how this goes” type thing, but rather of a “this is what works best right now until we get married” thing. But I do honestly wish he would do things right; he did the asking here.

So I don’t know what to say anymore without alienating myself from my friend. She’s not asking my permission or my opinion when she tells me what’s going on, yet I worry I’m sinning in not giving her my opinion anyway. I don’t want to create friction. I’m looking forward to the both of them being at the Easter Vigil and then later at the baptism of my children etc… I’m hoping something will open their minds to the Church. And honestly I don’t have many close friends to be alienating myself from. Am I just being weak? Coming from an in-your-face type of evangelistic atmosphere at my previous church, I don’t know what’s right in my new Catholic context. Am I even allowed to visit her when she moves? Would that be implying approval?
 
I have the same sort of problems in my life. I remember before I was a believer that condemnation never really struck a cord with me, which is partly why it took me 27 years to humble myself and accept Christ (best thing I’ve ever done, and all thanks to His Grace). Live your life as an example to them, but don’t shy away from your own opinions. It is perfectly okay to add afterwards “but you have to find your own way” because it is so very true. Christ doesn’t force us to love Him nor worship Him, but let’s us come to Him on our own, of our own free will. Prayer is your most effective tool in this, as with all things.

I hope it all works out!
 
Here’s a question related to this – when they get married, assuming he’s going to want a Catholic wedding (obviously not a Mass), what difficulties is he bringing on himself when it comes time to talk to a priest? What is a priest going to tell him to do?
 
If she’s not a Christian, why are you expecting her to act like one?
 
bpbasilphx said:
If she’s not a Christian, why are you expecting her to act like one?
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I’m not … that’s not my question. I’m asking if I have an obligation to say to her that I don’t approve, or can I keep my opinion to myself.

This is going to sound snarky, but the Church goes so far as to tell me how to vote, so it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a document somewhere telling me I’m not to fraternize with cohabiting couples even if they’re of opposite genders.

This might be erring on the side of scrupulosity, but I really do want to do what’s right. On the other hand, I don’t think telling her they shouldn’t live together before marriage is going to help.
 
I don’t think you have to mention your religious views on this. But if a good moment came up, and you felt you could address it sensitively, you might do so.

Since she isn’t a Christian, it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect her to follow Christian teachings just because that is what they are - you need to respect her beliefs too. (And some things people really need to come to realize on their own.)

But I can think of two ways that you might address it. One is that you could tell her that living together without the level of commitment found in marriage causes more problems than it solves. (But it sounds like they may know this already and are putting off the wedding for logistical reasons?)

You can also point out that IF they want a Catholic wedding, the priest will probably want them to go to confession and stop living together, or at least sleep in separate rooms, while they are waiting to marry. Just putting that little bug in her ear might give her something to think about.
 
I don’t think the Church says who you should vote for, from my understanding they only give guidelines. I don’t the Church would ever say who you should vote for, as in any particular candidate. That would be bound for failure. (I.E. if the church had told people in South Carolina to vote for Governor Sanford)

With the moving in thing, I never know what to say or do with friends who make that decision. They are always so excited and happy that their boyfriends are taking the relationship to the next step. I don’t think the church has any guidance per se on the issue. So I can only share what I have done, I have not been outspoken with them on the issue. When they tell me the “good news” I try to keep it to I am happy they are happy. The thing is, they know exactly how I feel on the issue of pre-marital sex, living together, and the like. I have voiced this pre- them moving in and I have also shown them how I feel on the issues through the way I have decided to live my life. Sometimes if you try to make a point too much, like not going over to their home when they move in, you won’t be aiding in anyway. They are not going to recognize by that action that what they are doing is wrong or suddenly get that what they are doing is not beneficial for their relationship. What will happen is your friend will feel judged, and a rift will be drawn between the two of you. If you have not before discussed with her the disadvantages to moving in before marriage, then maybe I would consider saying something. You could even give non-religious reasons why it is bad too, I have three friends who each moved in thinking they were going to get rings soon, 5 years later no ring, 2 years later no ring, 1.5 years later no ring. I think the guys got lazy because they are getting all the perks of marriage without the commitment. Anyway, good luck!!
 
Thanks for your thoughts.

I’ve been waiting years and years for a “good moment” for anything remotely religious and her eyes glaze over if I even so much as leave the radio on a Christian station while she’s in my car. That’s why I began praying she’d meet and marry a Christian man. God did me (and her!) one better with this Catholic man. Then this happens and I find myself asking these questions.

The Church does tell you how to vote re: gay marriage, an issue I’m still coming to terms with. I really am getting there, but it’s a sore spot for me and I was truly prepared for the worst here regarding how I may interact with my friend living in sin. All that’s different here, IMO, is her significant other is a man, not a woman.

The wedding is being put off mostly for logistical reasons, yes. As I mentioned, in no way is this a “we’ll play house and see if we get along” thing. They will be fine. I just wasn’t sure to what extent I can support them right now as they do things out of order. Thanks again. 🙂
 
I was wondering if you could direct me to this with the gay marriage. I thought that you had to weigh different issues. Take for instance if there were only two candidates running, one who was pro-life, but pro gay marriage, and another who was pro-abortion, but against gay marriage. In this case, you should weigh the moral issues and your conscience to vote for the more appropriate candidate. In that case, for me, I would vote for the pro-life candidate regardless of the gay marriage issue. That was my understanding of the church guidelines. Is it in truth that in that situation you should abstain from voting? If you could direct me to the teaching, that would be great. I’d like to better understand. Thanks!
milkbar said:
Thanks for your thoughts.

The Church does tell you how to vote re: gay marriage, an issue I’m still coming to terms with. I really am getting there, but it’s a sore spot for me and I was truly prepared for the worst here regarding how I may interact with my friend living in sin. All that’s different here, IMO, is her significant other is a man, not a woman.
🙂
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I have no idea re: different issues, such as a politician being pro-life but also supporting gay marriage. I’m so new at this that I have yet to vote in an election as a Catholic.

But, here – vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_20030731_homosexual-unions_en.html

“In those situations where homosexual unions have been legally recognized or have been given the legal status and rights belonging to marriage, clear and emphatic opposition is a duty. One must refrain from any kind of formal cooperation in the enactment or application of such gravely unjust laws and, as far as possible, from material cooperation on the level of their application. In this area, everyone can exercise the right to conscientious objection.”
 
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