What is nagging and how is it different from asking for/about something?

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mommamaree

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In another active thread, the subject of nagging was brought up. I must confess that I do not know what nagging is. I used to believe that it simply meant asking for help/change more than a single time. Now, I am not so sure. After all, discussions and reminders are tools for good communication and successful partnership, right? So what is nagging, really? And why is it wrong? And how is it different from making a request or bringing up a topic?
 
I think it can be simply defined as “being annoying in asking something” which unfortunately can vary depending on who is hearing it. Some people are more patient than others, in hearing something more than once; some may think a specific tone of voice sounds “nagging” but others might not… It may be considered wrong because it oftentimes produces the opposite effect, where if you want someone to do something, they may be irked enough to not do it. It is different from making a request perhaps only in the perception of the person who hears it. If you know that a person is annoyed by a certain way of asking them to do something, that is nagging, and you could try a different approach.
 
I think nagging connects with a show of some unresolved emotions, e.g. repressed anger or irritation, which makes the recipient feel he’s being held liable for more than he really did, storm in a glass of water kind of way. Basically complaining, especially in a way that’s not constructive and not nice. Intolerance of small faults comes to mind, and taking them out of proportion.
 
I think one behavior that causes a lot of irritation is mentioning a task for the other when the other is in the middle of doing a different important task–it feels really ungrateful. A runner up is mentioning a task for the other when the other can’t possibly take notes about the project (i.e. they’re driving, giving a child a bath, or something else like that). In situations like that, I’ll tell my husband to send me a short email with the description of the project (real example: “squirrel scratches”). If we just talked about it, rather than writing something down on paper in ink (or at least in pixels), the conversation didn’t really happen and I have explained it to the family in exactly those terms–if I didn’t write it down, the conversation didn’t happen. I tell my kids that with regard to the flurry of requests they have as they’re climbing into the car at the end of the school day–ask me again at home when I’m not driving and I can take notes. Time and place is really important.

I think being a little more systematic about honey-dos will prevent unnecessary repeat requests. For example, we are new home owners, and facing a continual stream of household tasks, minor and major. I now keep a typed honey-do list on the fridge that I add to as things come up. I also email a copy of it to my husband. Ideally, on Friday night, we should talk about the list, figure out which tasks to tackle, and plan Saturday (our household task day).

Here is our current list:

–look at folder of tradesmen with Xantippe
–look at Xantippe’s household binder with Xantippe
–MBA–cold water faucet on bath is leaking
–mail book/ebay books
–balcony repairs (squirrel scratches, rot over balcony, repaint light fixture)
–weed borders
–fix it box (contains broken items awaiting repair)
–Plan emergency drills for kids (involve neighbors)
–HVAC (have AC checked for summer, clean out and check bathroom fans)
–figure out gas and water shutoffs, remind Xantippe how to shut off electric
–replace kitchen light

Some of those items have been on the list for months, but more urgent stuff keeps coming up–there’s always going to be a list, and that’s something to make peace with. Unfortunately, we can’t manage to work on the honey-dos every Saturday. I feel like managing one or two Saturdays a month is doing really good. Last weekend, for instance, we were away, and this Saturday, I was finally catching up about 3.5 weeks of email and we were out doing errands. That was important too, though.

To recap:
  1. Have a list
  2. Post, email and discuss the list.
  3. Make sure there’s a reasonable block of time available for doing the tasks.
With smaller stuff, like hauling out the diaper trash from upstairs, my husband would like me to put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror as a reminder. Otherwise, I’m going to be completely ticked off by the fact that the diaper pail is so full it doesn’t operate properly, while my husband won’t notice because he isn’t doing the diapers. Then I only mention it we he can’t do it…That’s how not to do it.

Not planning.
 
What an interesting post, Xantippe! Sometimes people are frustrated about the other’s personality, though and that’s a tougher nut to crack than handling requests. Especially if it’s like some obvious resentment of the: ‘I wish I hadn’t settled for you but held out for someone else,’ kind.
 
Here’s a working definition of nagging: repeating a request when there hasn’t yet been a reasonable opportunity to fulfill it yet and there isn’t going to be one anytime soon. Example: if I were to re-mention the need to take out the diaper pail just as we were all leaving for the day.

I know that there’s often an urge to mention things as they come to mind, but that urge needs to be suppressed if there’s no realistic chance of doing the thing at the time.
 
Interesting! So, if a person is making a request or even giving a reminder, if it is done with consideration for the person and in a respectful way, that would not qualify as nagging, right? I have always wondered about this, and have heard wives/mothers accused of being a nag, but I could never really figure out what they meant. I think my husband and I have a good way of handling requests and making plans in a conversational way (completely opposite of Xantippe’s family’s method, but we are just different that way). We each help each other to remember things, but if the other forgets something, we just handle ourselves. It is pretty low pressure. I once heard very wise advice that said if you make your spouse feel like a loser, then you make yourself one, too, because who wants to be married to a loser? So, score-keeping and tearing each other down are big no-nos in marriage.
I asked my husband the same question I asked here tonight, and he said that I am likely to get a lot of different answers because nagging can take different forms but you know it when you hear it. We wondered if maybe it is more of a symptom than the root problem itself.
 
Xantippe said:
I know that there’s often an urge to mention things as they come to mind, but that urge needs to be suppressed if there’s no realistic chance of doing the thing at the time.
Click to expand...
That is so interesting. My husband and I will just casually mention “oh we need to remember to do XYZ by such-and-such time, let’s help each other remember” on our way out or while we are busy with something else. It really works great for us. But I can see how it might not be appropriate for different personality types our family dynamics. Thanks for sharing that.

Of course, when we say it, it is not accusatory or angry. Just a verbal mental note for later.
 
Nagging is reminding the person about something when you’re talking about a completely different topic. It’s like trying to insert your request into every single conversation no matter how unrelated it is.
 
ClearWater said:
Here’s the dictionary definition of “nagging”:

thefreedictionary.com/nagging
Click to expand...
Bingo! It’s all to do with being annoying in the way you ask, which unfortunately will be different for different people. There are some people whose mere tone of voice can be very irritating to me, and so I have to be careful not to unfairly see them as nagging.
 
mommamaree said:

“But I can see how it might not be appropriate for different personality types our family dynamics.”

I think that in our particular case, it’s probably a memory/organization thing. We could probably mention it repeatedly and then it still not happen, as long as the thing wasn’t entered into a calendar or The Official List of Things To Do and formally scheduled.

I could easily mention the diaper pail a half dozen times to no effect, if I was mentioning it at the wrong time.
 
mommamaree said:
Interesting! So, if a person is making a request or even giving a reminder, if it is done with consideration for the person and in a respectful way, that would not qualify as nagging, right? I have always wondered about this, and have heard wives/mothers accused of being a nag, but I could never really figure out what they meant. I think my husband and I have a good way of handling requests and making plans in a conversational way (completely opposite of Xantippe’s family’s method, but we are just different that way). We each help each other to remember things, but if the other forgets something, we just handle ourselves. It is pretty low pressure. I once heard very wise advice that said if you make your spouse feel like a loser, then you make yourself one, too, because who wants to be married to a loser? So, score-keeping and tearing each other down are big no-nos in marriage.
I asked my husband the same question I asked here tonight, and he said that I am likely to get a lot of different answers because nagging can take different forms but you know it when you hear it. We wondered if maybe it is more of a symptom than the root problem itself.
Click to expand...
I think the way you may it clear that you are asking for help remembering it and that you are willing to do it makes it not nagging. That seems like a good solution 🙂

I also like Xantippe’s way, because something on a list seems less personal.
 
It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Nagging has an undertone of blame and disrespect. Chronic nagging also tends to extend beyond reasonable requests, maybe repeated once too often, to unreasonable demands just to pick a fight.
 
Nagging is when someone just does not want to do something and you are constantly asking for it to be done! If the person had done it when asked, there would be no need to nag!

When people are forced to nag, they need to re-examine the problem. If the person being nagged just will not do what was asked, decide if it is truly important for them to do it, or if you should just do it yourself and not have to nag!!

Sometimes we just need to sigh and do it ourselves for peace in the house. 😃
 
To nag is to torment or wear down by the reason of persistence, as does a nagging cough. If the person feels you are trying to force compliance by wearing them down or if this is in fact your strategy, that’s nagging.

Obviously, one person’s regular reminder concerning a matter that has been unduly neglected is another person’s nagging!! If the person does not deserve more reminders than they have had, then it is fair to consider the nagging culpable, rather than necessary. If they’ve had to be reminded more times than should have been necessary, that it still nagging, but it is the fault of the person on the receiving end! To force someone to nag you to do something that you ought to have done on your own accord is not to force them to sin, but forcing them to admonish you for your sin!
 
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