What is normal for adult female friendships these days?

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mommamaree

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What is normal for a homeschooling mother with four kids, including a toddler and an infant, in terms of a social life? I am asking because I am starting to feel really abnormal and rejected and unwanted, like I am not worthy friendship material.
I have initiated visits with women, such as playdates where we can chat while our similarly-aged kids play. These are never reciprocated.
I have invited a woman to coffee recently, but the invitation was ignored.
I have attempted, and failed, to start a parish moms’ group, which everyone said was wanted and needed, but when it came time to form the steering team, I had no volunteers, and everyone was suddenly too busy. (The busyness is probably true, but the failure is compounding my feelings of loneliness and rejection, I think)
I have a “friend”, whom I will refer to as Judy, who has been talking constantly about the things to which she is invited, such as a moms night out tonight for the moms of kids at the parish school (I am not sure why I was not included in the invite, as we were in the parish school last year and switched back to homeschooling this year) 🤷 She has mentioned this moms night out to me every day this week, and also posted in as her status update today. I feel like she is rubbing my nose in my failure and my exclusion.
She also has invited a mutual acquaintance of ours to go out for a glass of wine midweek on several occasions. This is a newcomer to the area, and suddenly they are doing things like this. Yet Judy says to me that I am her closest friend, when she has never invited me to do anything outside of whole-family gatherings. 🤷
So, my “friendship” with Judy is making me feel set up to feel rejected, like my sole purpose in Judy’s life is to make her look like a social queen by comparison.
And to top it all off…everyone else is too busy to make any time for me. I have lived in this town for a very long time, most of my adult life, and have been at this parish for nearing 4 years. I cannot seem to find anyone who wants to make time for me (except Judy and then she just makes me feel bad about myself, and my husband and my MIL have witnessed this so I know that it is likely that the friendship is just a toxic one).

So, what is normal? Is there something wrong with me? Is it possible that there is something unappealing about my personality that I am overlooking that is causing people to either purposefully reject my friendship or just forget about me altogether? I have asked my husband and MIL that very question, and they reject that categorically, and say that there is something wrong with our parish and our town and with society at large. But can I trust their judgement in this matter? And how do I deal with these feelings of rejection? Do I need to stay away from Judy? Is it possible that her way of treating me like a second-class person is affecting my ability to form friendships with others? I need to get to the heart of this problem, to find out if I am the problem, or if this is just a trial I must endure. Maybe God wants me to experience this loneliness as a way to draw closer to Him? But what if He wants me to have social times and friendships and the problem really is me? How do I discern?

Thanks all for reading. :o

P.S. I have been involved in a mothers group locally, a non-denominational one, but Judy is also a member (who has maybe made herself persona non grata) and it is really hard for me to make friends with anyone when she is around, because her personality is so dominant that it is like I don’t exist. I am kinda hoping she stays away from that group this year, so that I can have a chance to form friendships there without interference.
 
I do not have children, but I’m a married adult. HOwever, I don’t know if my friendshis are really “nromal” because I don’t think I LIKE what is expected for female relationships these days! ALL i ever see in real life or media with women friendshipsis talking about sex, not being very close, and always fighting! All of my girfriends and I are SUPER close. When my husband has to be gone on bussiness, I even have a galpal or two over for a girls in sleepover like we were still in middle school. Everyone tells me that’s 'not normal" and we need to “grow up” and have “grown up” friendships, but most of what I see with grown up friendships is bitterness and bickering!

I am a firm believer that even busy moms can have loving friendships, and SHOULD have loving friendships! Anyone who makes you feel excluded, sad, neglected, or unloved isn’t doing well as a friend, but I wouldn’t ditch them right away. Talk to her. try and see if you can have an hour or two sometime of gril time. I know it’s hard with little ones! but just having a coffee or a light snack or something can really help you open up, and connect as two women in a friendship, and not just two women whose kids play together.

If you are unable to meet women at yoru parish,remember. You can find good friendships in other places. Not every non-Catholic Christian is going to think you’re a pagan, and not every non Christian is going to judge. I completely understand wanting to have friends you can share beliefs with, but your local parish isn’t the only place to find that. I havea very close, righteous, pious girlfriend who is non Catholic Christian, but is loving, supportive, and thinks highly of all Christian churches, including the Catholic church. Also, meeting people online can be fulfilling. Hear me out! I know a girl who met her absolute best friend on the internet when they were in their thirties,over a crafting website! they’ve met twice now :3
 
Good friends have always been hard to find. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
 
Have you tried forming friendships with men instead? My male friendships are far more relaxed and natural than many of the female friendships I see around me. Things like women’s groups, playdates, and mommy groups seem to operate under the assumption that you can all be besties just because you are of the same gender or in the same life stage. That’s not how or why people become friends.
 
My thinking is that your friend is not your friend at all. Friends do not treat friends in the way you describe. I think you should look for other women’s groups at other parishes, or get involved in social events that involve mixed couples and singles. I agree that friendships are important for men and women who are married. It was more common in the past. I value the friends I have and avoid those who are creating a situation where I’m not really part of their life. I’m still friendly with them but we don’t do things together.

God bless,
Ed
 
Before finding “her”, find yourself. Do something that interests you, as a person (not as a mom, not as a wife). If you’re a crafty person, check for local crafters meetups (church knitting groups, library craft groups, even Meetup.com might have ideas for you locally). You’re more likely to find like-minded people doing things you enjoy. Alternately, volunteer on your own from time to time. You’ll be helping others and discovering yourself at the same time. Friendships can’t be forced. All you can do is put yourself in situations to meet new, possibly like-minded, persons. I think you also might feel a bit more self-worth if you try it this way, rather than wait for anyone to “accept” you.

(On a personal note, I never sit & chat at the park. Can’t stand women sitting around yapping. If my hands are busy, I’m a bit more tolerant. But I really value my time going to more productive use!)
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Have you tried forming friendships with men instead? My male friendships are far more relaxed and natural than many of the female friendships I see around me. Things like women’s groups, playdates, and mommy groups seem to operate under the assumption that you can all be besties just because you are of the same gender or in the same life stage. That’s not how or why people become friends.
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Yes, I get along quite well with men, especially the men that my husband is friends with. Game night or Fight night are MUCH more enjoyable to me than the females-only gatherings (maybe because I enjoy MMA and boxing and competition and loud laughter and a hard cider instead of music and talking and wine and soothing queen bee egos?) 😉 . There is always so much laughter and fun and lightheartedness, with some serious conversations about faith and relationships that are sprinkled here and there, when the guys are around. But as a married woman, I am very careful to guard myself against any appearance of impropriety, so these friendships are enjoyed when my husband is present.
Frankly, the women that interest me the most friendship-wise are not even in my “peer” group. One is an elderly woman with a great, crotchedy-yet-lovable demeanor. She puts off a strong character vibe, with a “don’t mess with me” tone of voice, yet she has always been so kind to me, and she lives just down the street from me (also is a fellow Catholic). The other is an unmarried woman slightly younger, who is the DRE for the parish. I have thought about inviting them for coffee. They are just so interesting and passionate about their faith and neat personality.
Some of the other mothers are also quite nice, but for whatever reason, friendship with them is not in the cards.
Anyway, thanks BEL, for your comment. It reminded me that I DO have friends who care and who like me. They just happen to be men…
Also, my husband happened to read your comment and mentioned that maybe instead of him always going out for “guy night”, he should invite the guys over again for another Fight night, since we both cannot leave the kids at the same time (I have a nursling and a toddler and we never have found a trustworthy babysitter anyway).
 
KnitNut said:
Before finding “her”, find yourself. Do something that interests you, as a person (not as a mom, not as a wife). If you’re a crafty person, check for local crafters meetups (church knitting groups, library craft groups, even Meetup.com might have ideas for you locally). You’re more likely to find like-minded people doing things you enjoy. Alternately, volunteer on your own from time to time. You’ll be helping others and discovering yourself at the same time. Friendships can’t be forced. All you can do is put yourself in situations to meet new, possibly like-minded, persons. I think you also might feel a bit more self-worth if you try it this way, rather than wait for anyone to “accept” you.

(On a personal note, I never sit & chat at the park. Can’t stand women sitting around yapping. If my hands are busy, I’m a bit more tolerant. But I really value my time going to more productive use!)
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That is the thing, though…I do know who I am. I know my faults and failings enough to be humble, but I generally am okay with my personality and the way that I am. I do have things that I do that are interesting to me. I have just struggled to find a place where I can interact with women and form friendships that are not dominated by “Judy”. That may be changing in the near future, though. She is not really very pleased with me at the moment, because I refuse to be her clone (won’t do Paleo diet despite her pressuring me and everyone else to do it, chose to homeschool instead of parish school despite her opposition, haven’t alienated myself from the moms group like she has, etc.).
I hate the whole chatting at the park thing, too. Now a craft night, with some adult beverage and appetizers and and busy hands? I will do that, but honestly I can only do that for a couple hours. But watching football or MMA, I could do that for hours! 😛
 
mommamaree said:
So, what is normal? Is there something wrong with me? Is it possible that there is something unappealing about my personality that I am overlooking that is causing people to either purposefully reject my friendship or just forget about me altogether? I have asked my husband and MIL that very question, and they reject that categorically, and say that there is something wrong with our parish and our town and with society at large. But can I trust their judgement in this matter? And how do I deal with these feelings of rejection? Do I need to stay away from Judy? Is it possible that her way of treating me like a second-class person is affecting my ability to form friendships with others? I need to get to the heart of this problem, to find out if I am the problem, or if this is just a trial I must endure. Maybe God wants me to experience this loneliness as a way to draw closer to Him? But what if He wants me to have social times and friendships and the problem really is me? How do I discern?

Thanks all for reading. :o

P.S. I have been involved in a mothers group locally, a non-denominational one, but Judy is also a member (who has maybe made herself persona non grata) and it is really hard for me to make friends with anyone when she is around, because her personality is so dominant that it is like I don’t exist. I am kinda hoping she stays away from that group this year, so that I can have a chance to form friendships there without interference.
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(((HUGS))))

Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I understand completely 😦 I have a similar problem though it’s a wide variety of women whom seem to always leave me out rather than one particular individual. It really can trash your sense of self worth in a hurry.

To answer your questions - a) there isn’t such a thing as normal anymore

b) of course there’s nothing wrong with you - but you might be having trouble (like I am) finding a good friend who “gets” all of you. I have found out many women in our community think I’m great - but they also never think to include me because they figure I’ll either be too busy with the kids or else that I wouldn’t be interested in what they are doing. To be honest - they are right about that probably 90% of the time - just wish they’d go ahead and ask me because it might be one of the 10% times.

c) if someone’s not able to accept you for who you are (Including whatever personality “quirks” you may have) then you don’t want them in your life - because it’s just too darn hard trying to become someone you’re not meant to be. So be the best “you” that you can - whether that’s reading or sewing or jogging or white water rafting. Keep putting yourself out there and be the person you’d want a friend to be to you. Don’t let worry about what you think someone else might be thinking about you keep you from calling them up and chatting or asking them to come over, etc - even if they didn’t reciprocate last time. Life today really is very busy - and it’s very easy to let life get out of control. I am guilty of this 😊

d) I’d just try to let God handle Judy and just focus more on making other friends. Personally, I’d love to have a close best friend to go out and do things with like some of my “friends” seem to have. sigh But just haven’t found anyone who’s interests and availability matches mine. It IS lonely sometimes, but I try to remember to thank God for all the acquaintances I have that might turn into more later as our lives move through their different seasons. Currently most seem either so busy with their kid’s things (and I with mine) that we never can really get together - or else they don’t have kids at home anymore (and I have to be careful not to slip into envy at their frequent trips and outings). 🤷
 
CradleJourney said:
I have found out many women in our community think I’m great - but they also never think to include me because they figure I’ll either be too busy with the kids or else that I wouldn’t be interested in what they are doing. To be honest - they are right about that probably 90% of the time - just wish they’d go ahead and ask me because it might be one of the 10% times.
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Sadly, there is a lot of truth to that statement. As a woman in my 40s that has never had kids, I am so fed up with social outings revolving around other people’s kids, the second I find out a woman has kids, a red flag goes up. I am not saying she is totally ruled out, just not to likely to become my friend. And as much as I know you are hoping I would ask for that 10% of the time… I see your point but I still would not be willing to live with the 90% of the time hearing ‘No I am busy’

And I do think Judy is putting you down to feel better about herself. I have to wonder if when she goes out with all these other people without you if she spends the whole time talking about how good friends she is with mommamaree to make them feel bad.

As for the older and younger lady you mentioned. IMO go for it, ask them for coffee. Who cares if it is not a traditional friendship, they sound like they have potential

Angie
 
mommamaree said:
Yes, I get along quite well with men, especially the men that my husband is friends with. Game night or Fight night are MUCH more enjoyable to me than the females-only gatherings (maybe because I enjoy MMA and boxing and competition and loud laughter and a hard cider instead of music and talking and wine and soothing queen bee egos?) 😉 . There is always so much laughter and fun and lightheartedness, with some serious conversations about faith and relationships that are sprinkled here and there, when the guys are around. But as a married woman, I am very careful to guard myself against any appearance of impropriety, so these friendships are enjoyed when my husband is present.
Frankly, the women that interest me the most friendship-wise are not even in my “peer” group. One is an elderly woman with a great, crotchedy-yet-lovable demeanor. She puts off a strong character vibe, with a “don’t mess with me” tone of voice, yet she has always been so kind to me, and she lives just down the street from me (also is a fellow Catholic). The other is an unmarried woman slightly younger, who is the DRE for the parish. I have thought about inviting them for coffee. They are just so interesting and passionate about their faith and neat personality.
Some of the other mothers are also quite nice, but for whatever reason, friendship with them is not in the cards.
Anyway, thanks BEL, for your comment. It reminded me that I DO have friends who care and who like me. They just happen to be men…
Also, my husband happened to read your comment and mentioned that maybe instead of him always going out for “guy night”, he should invite the guys over again for another Fight night, since we both cannot leave the kids at the same time (I have a nursling and a toddler and we never have found a trustworthy babysitter anyway).
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Hang out with people whom you enjoy, who bring out the best in you, and whose company makes you feel better about yourself, rather than worse. If Judy is not that person, don’t concern yourself with whether or not she is “toxic”. Just conclude that you both have other people who will do you more good, and let it go. Judy can be bad for you without being to blame for being bad for you…just let that go.

Your friends don’t have to be your age and they don’t have to be “colleagues”. Sometimes, I think with moms there is just as much (if not more) competition than if a bunch of people working sales for different companies get together. There is always that “do I measure up?” thing going on. If you find one or two other mothers to be friends with, great. If not, the mothers who are past their competition years will do just as well, if not better. They are a sign that “this too shall pass” and that perfection isn’t part of the job description.

As for me, I took a woodworking class when my kids were little. It was a change of pace. I think that any night where someone else is handling the “mama” work can do the trick.

I’d totally make friends with the older lady.
 
First of all, slightly off-topic, your MIL sounds like a caring and supportive lady!:). In my neighborhood there’s a wide variation in social life–some ladies seem to practically live in each others houses, others are a lot more distant.

The play dates you hosted–did they go well? Did your guests have a good time? When you see them later on, are they friendly and happy to see you and without reluctance? A lot of people aren’t good at planning play dates, or they feel shy about asking, and stick to the people they know really well.

How about friends from high school or college–are they still in the picture? Or people in the neighborhood but not in the parish? How about taking a class at the night school to expand your horizons?

Your friend Judy sounds a bit toxic–does she know you want to get out more and deliberately excludes you? Or does she assume that with little ones at home it’s hard for you to get out at night? I rarely got out when my kiddies were babies.
 
mommamaree said:
I have thought about inviting them for coffee. They are just so interesting and passionate about their faith and neat personality.
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Do it. They might be quite pleased to be invited. You don’t have to only seek other moms. True, bonding over motherhood is nice, but there are so many other things that women can talk about and bond over. I’m in my mid 30s and one of my dearest friends is about to turn 60. Her sons are only a few years younger than me. Despite the age difference we are on the same page in so many ways.

I also like the idea of having the guys over more often. They sound like a nice group of people and the way you describe your socialising conveys joy. Unlike Judy. I say dump Judy because you seem to clam up when she is around, plus she is rude. Seriously, going on about a night out to which you are not invited, over and over and over again is just bad manners.

I don’t think it’s you. You sound like a super nice, sweet woman, genuine and warm. It could be just temporary bad luck. I hope things get better in this respect.
 
Normal? I don’t know, but I can share my experience.

I gained a network of friends through one of my college roommates. I even met my husband through her ex-boyfriend (who is still a good friend of ours). Some of her high school friends became my friends and some of the wives of my husband’s friends have become my friends. (Ironically, the original friend now lives in a different town and she’s jealous that I know more about what some of her friends are up to than she does!) (Most of them are very strong and amazing Catholic women - which is what influenced me to become one too!)

I never see most of my political friends now because they know that I can’t improve their status (get them a job) and all I’ll talk about is my kid! People really don’t know how to talk to me these days because I don’t work in the paid workforce. It’s “weird” that I’d still be interested in getting out and talking to people now that I’m a SAHM. 👍 However, there are a few people I keep in touch with from those crazy days on the campaign trail.

It’s hard to make friends as an adult. A lot of the people I talk to are other moms and dads at my kid’s activities. We see each other around, but we aren’t close by any stretch.

Someone suggested Meetup, which is great. It didn’t work for me, but I’ve used it before and it might work for you. It’s really about finding something that interests you and meeting people who are interested in those things too. I’m currently trying to make new friends in my parish and it’s hard, even with the kid.

I’ve come to learn that there are two kinds of people in the world. People, like me (and OP), who people never think to call. It’s not malicious, but we just aren’t on people’s radar when they think, “who would enjoy doing this with me.” Then, there are people who can’t manage to get through a conversation w/out the phone ringing or texting someone.

It’s not that we are bad people or that we aren’t normal. (I think other people are weird because they have to have so much going on all the time!) However, I tend to think that’s because I prefer to have real and deep friendships and don’t go for just numbers and superficial relationships. There are moments when I just want to scream, “Dude! The phone works two ways, I don’t always have to call you!” However, accepting my position as someone who people never think to call has made the situation easier to deal with.

In fact, yesterday I called one of my mom friends because I was just upset and couldn’t deal with my husband’s behavior and she reminded me that I could always call whenever I needed to talk. (And she’s called me in the past when she’s had problems, so it works out well.)

You aren’t weird. Sometimes, it just takes awhile to find the right people to be friends with. Also, summer is just a crazy time for everyone. My mom’s group had activities scheduled all summer and we couldn’t make most of them because our schedules just didn’t mesh. I think a lot of us have the same struggle to make friends, REAL friends.
 
There is nothing wrong with you.
We don’t live in a society any more where we all gather at the well or the river for daily tasks, while the children play nearby. It’s harder to make friends.
There was a time in my life when I felt that if I fell off the planet, no one would notice or care. I was a single mom with young kids, working full time.
Well, my youngest kids are teens now, and really don’t want to include me in their outings :rolleyes: I have 4 friends now. One was a former workmate, two I met through my Catholic Bible study group, and one through the Respect Life group at church. I invited them out to lunch, and they were each happy that I did, and have said they’d like to do it on a regular basis.
Of course with young kids you can’t go out to a cafe, but you can invite folks over to your house. And it doesn’t have to be spotless either.
I join groups when I’m lonely. Would your husband be able to watch the children while you attend a Bible study?
I don’t understand how you could invite someone out for coffee and have the invitation ignored. Were you too tentative in your invitation? Did you say, “do you want to have coffee with me?” You should get some kind of reply, even if only “I can’t today.”
I realize the mom’s night out is over now, but if my friend were rubbing my nose in it, I’d ask her to find out if I could be included, or call the organizer and ask if I could go also, since I’m a mom. The worst they could do is say, it’s just for moms of school kids, which would be rude, but maybe they’d be glad to include you.
Sounds like Judy might be best avoided, but if you want to continue with her friendship, next time she mentions going out with her other friends, ask which day she can go out with you.
When your husband invites his friends over for Fight Night, could some of them bring their wives? Then it gets awkward, usually the sexes separate, and you might find yourself chatting with the girls about diapers when you’d much rather hang with the guys who are doing something interesting. But that’s always been life, I suspect.
Monica’s suggestions are good, talk about others’ interests instead of focusing on your own, but it sounds like you’re not even getting a chance for any conversations. I try lately to show interest in my friends concerns, even though my own are much more fascinating (to me). It’s embarrassing when a friend knows your kids’ names and you can’t remember if she has any.:o
Good luck. You will get through this. Invite the old lady for tea, she’s probably me, and would welcome the chance to chat.
 
edwest2 said:
My thinking is that your friend is not your friend at all. Friends do not treat friends in the way you describe. I think you should look for other women’s groups at other parishes, or get involved in social events that involve mixed couples and singles. I agree that friendships are important for men and women who are married. It was more common in the past. I value the friends I have and avoid those who are creating a situation where I’m not really part of their life. I’m still friendly with them but we don’t do things together.

God bless,
Ed
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I totally agree it sounds like this Judy does not consider her an equal and she certainly needs friends that will value her for who she is not those who try to make their social life seem so much better than hers and that is a good idea to get involved with social groups that include all kinds of people.
 
mommamaree said:
Yes, I get along quite well with men, especially the men that my husband is friends with. Game night or Fight night are MUCH more enjoyable to me than the females-only gatherings (maybe because I enjoy MMA and boxing and competition and loud laughter and a hard cider instead of music and talking and wine and soothing queen bee egos?) 😉 . There is always so much laughter and fun and lightheartedness, with some serious conversations about faith and relationships that are sprinkled here and there, when the guys are around. But as a married woman, I am very careful to guard myself against any appearance of impropriety, so these friendships are enjoyed when my husband is present.
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In socialogical terms, you probably have a ‘male’ brain rather than a ‘female’ brain. That of course has nothing to do with gender, orientation or whether you are feminine or masculine…but more about your view of the world in general. I know that I have a ‘male’ brain and I see that at work here where the threads and discussions I enjoy most seem to be about issues that only mostly men contribute to. But on the other hand I’ve been regarded as a fairly ‘feminine’ person by others in real life.

When my kids were babies I joined a Catholic playgroup and from that a number of us formed a friendship group outside that and our kids were a strong uniting factor since we were actually a fairly diverse group. When the kids became old enough to not be interested in get togethers, we started a bookclub and also a health club and they went on for years and were fun and stimulating. I quickly found though that I didn’t really like the all girls get togethers that involved drinking and silliness and I noticed that the group seemed to begin to disperse and people were having ‘issues’ with each other. It became a bit ‘teenagey’.

I’ve found that my ideal friendship situation is when we are all involved in some sort of shared project which provides a focus for all of our unique gifts and the friendship is actually incidental to the project. I joined a Catholic counselling and course organisation about 10 years ago and I love helping to keep it going and also the weekly prayer meetings for its mission. I’m also involved in Ignation Spirituality and we meet there every month also and the closeness and trust we share is wonderful. Even though most of us don’t meet up for friendship outside that group, the closeness is real and valuable on many levels.

Everyone is different though. When I’m out and about seeing groups of women socialising and stuff, I never crave that life the way I had done when I was younger thinking that was the premium version of friendship. I really value having a focus or mission to share with others.
 
This is an interesting post. I have moved many times and have had to start over making friends many times and also trying to keep the old friends while not living close by. I have noticed that in some towns that I was living in it was much harder to make friends due to cultural and even physical differences. You mentioned that you are homeschooling so try to get together with other homeschooling moms. It really does help to have something in common to kickstart a friendship. Also if you enjoy someone’s company don’t worry about their age. Older or younger friends can be wonderful. It also helps to reach out to others in need when appropriate. Volunteering at church is a good way to meet people of all ages. Don’t fret too much about this though and just be a good person and it will work out in due time.
 
I went through what you are going through before life’s experiences and our Lord taught me not to expect anything in the way of friendships outside of my husband and my mom and dad. When I feel bad about the social thing or lack thereof I am reminded when I am spiritually in tune, to meditate on Jesus passion in particular where not only did his close friends abandon him but he suffered a most intense persecution and physical torture from total strangers even. There is at least a verse or so in the bible that says a true friend is difficult to find and quite the rare treasure indeed. The bible has a lot to say on friendships.
Also as one protestant pastor put it being a mother of children still dependent is a season of which one day the children do grow up. Until then just think of the treasures that you store up in heaven by all that you do for your husband and children:) Homeschooling is not an easy job. Much of the time homeschooled children do grow up and come to appreciate all the sacrifice of the homeschooling parent. At least one or more of the adult will children grow to be friends with their mom in time. Sounds like your mother in law is on your side, seems like you can add her to your friend in addition to your spouse. Not all of us were meant to be social butterflies or intensely popular :cool: Friendships require a lot of time and commitment on the part of the person or person’s involved :eek: something that I am better off giving to my own family while they are still in need of my time and commitment.😉
 
“I have attempted, and failed, to start a parish moms’ group, which everyone said was wanted and needed, but when it came time to form the steering team, I had no volunteers, and everyone was suddenly too busy. (The busyness is probably true, but the failure is compounding my feelings of loneliness and rejection, I think)”

I remember when I was a toddler mom trying to run a playgroup, with very similar results. Oh, the cleaning up, and then nobody came! People did come a few times, but the ratio of work to results was dismal. It was really hard to get my social life off the ground.

Mothers of young children are really, really flaky sometimes and little kids are always getting sick and the bigger a family is, the harder it is to be organized or to go anywhere.

“Yet Judy says to me that I am her closest friend, when she has never invited me to do anything outside of whole-family gatherings.”

The less Judy, the better.

“So, what is normal? Is there something wrong with me? Is it possible that there is something unappealing about my personality that I am overlooking that is causing people to either purposefully reject my friendship or just forget about me altogether? I have asked my husband and MIL that very question, and they reject that categorically, and say that there is something wrong with our parish and our town and with society at large. But can I trust their judgement in this matter?”

If your MIL loves you, you must be a real sweetie pie.

“Do I need to stay away from Judy? Is it possible that her way of treating me like a second-class person is affecting my ability to form friendships with others?”

Yep. It’s possible that your being friends with Judy makes people who don’t like her stay away from you.

The only constructive advice I have to add is to welcome newcomers to your community and parish. I’ve done very well socially when I’ve done that. People remember the ones who make them feel at home in a new community. You might want to talk to your pastor about forming some sort of committee (which might just be you).
 
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