What is normal or am I desensitized?

[sayitisntso]

I have been with my husband for 30 years (since age 17). I was raised Roman Catholic and we were married in a RC church (with much convincing to him), although I am not practicing, He is Protestant (not practicing). I still hold the values and morals which I was taught which is why I am struggling so with this. His insensitivity and verbal abuse is not new to me but over the years has slowly dug a pit in my heart and gut and I am left hollow.

Examples of his behaviour occur on a daily, if not hourly, basis. When I received word that my mother would imminently die, he would not come with me to the hospital to support me. On the day of her funeral he complained that he was tired of all the driving around, locked himself in the bedroom and then got mad at me when I did not know what to make for supper. He is a thoroughly angry, cruel, prejudiced, hateful and negative person. He swears at me and the children, dehumanizes, and controls most aspects of daily life.

I have tried to forgive and move on but it is so hard. I feel like our children (ages 22, 19, 13) are suffering for his verbal abuse and rages. We have done counselling twice but nothing changes. I am just so sad when I am around him. My day is dictated by doing or not doing things to get him angry.

I know in my heart that I don’t want to be with him but I am torn by my faith/sense of loyalty, commitment and promise and the fact that I know that he would become a dangerous person if the marriage broke. I do not have any supports other than I do have a fulfilling full-time job outside of the home. I would appreciate any response, guidance, support. Thank you.

 

[Falco]

As a child of such a man, who died 35 years ago, I say get out and stay out. My damage is still with me daily, as was his verbal abuse. It is never too soon to get out of these situations. I got out at 22, my mother stayed, and she was a shell of what she should have been. Even after 28 years a widow, she still suffered from how he had treated us.

 

[jmcrae]

Put your passport and other identity papers into your shoes and pack your purse with a change of clothes and anything you can’t live without.

Wait until he is out on an errand, and then get yourselves out. If he has the only car, take the bus, or if the bus doesn’t come very quickly, walk. (Don’t take a taxi - that can be traced, and he could come home while you are still waiting for it to arrive.)

Whatever happens, don’t return home, and don’t go to any of your usual places - take a leave of absence from work if you have to, or if they can transfer you to a new location, that’s even better. He will act very repentant and sorry, but don’t let him fool you, and don’t answer his calls or tell him where you are.

Make sure the kids understand that he means to hurt you all, and that they have to avoid any contact with him. (If you tell them that he means to kill you all, they will think you are overreacting, but they will understand “hurt” well enough.)

Homeless shelters, police stations, YWCAs, and many churches have information about how to get help for women in abusive situations. Don’t tell anyone which resource you plan to use; you don’t want the information getting back to your husband.

I hope to hear that you are in a safe place by tomorrow evening. My prayers are with you!

 

[EasterJoy]

…Homeless shelters, police stations, YWCAs, and many churches have information about how to get help for women in abusive situations…

This. Don’t concern yourself with yesterday; concern yourself with what you need to do today. If you go to the local women’s services, they’ll help you or find someone who can help you to make a plan to leave. As for loyalty, be loyal to your children. They are counting on you to get them out of this situation. Countless adult children of countless fathers like this will tell you the same. I am sure your pastor will concur, but if it helps you to get out without looking back, consult with him. Whatever it takes to get you through this.

 

[angell1]

perhaps going back to church could help? the eucharist is there, god is there and there are people there who could help you. i will pray for you; unfortunately i don’t really have the greatest adivice for a situation like this

 

[Sebrina]

You have a full time job. That’s all the support you need at the moment to get out. Emotional support will come later, and you have it here already, so that’s a good thing.

You’re in a rut. I know that sounds like not a big deal, but you’re so used to this way of life, I don’t know if believe there’s any other way to live. There is.

Do what the others said… get out and don’t leave a forwarding address.

 

[Ben_F]

God wants you to forgive. He doesn´t want you to be a doormat. Leave and don´t look back. God bless: Thumbsup:: Thumbsup:: Thumbsup:

 

[kmcarl56]

I agree with the other people who have answered your cry for help. What he is doing to you and the children is cruel and against everything that God has ordered him to do as a husband and father. He is abusing you mentally, which is just as bad as if he were abusing you physically.

Believe me, I know! I was married to a man like that and I was so distraut, I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want a broken marriage. I talked to my Mother and she quoted a part in the Bible that says God would approve divorce in cases where the woman is abused mentally or physically. After that, the burden was lifted from my heart and I filed for divorce. Luckily my kids were only 6 (twin boys) when I left him, so I was able to raise them in a loving, caring environment.

**Do exactly as the other poster said: Get as much money as you can out of the bank, pack as much as you can and hide it, then when he’s not home, take your 13 year old and go to a safe-house. Most large cities have a battered women’s shelter. If your town does not, find an obscure hotel and pay cash. Do not tell anyone where you are. Get a throw-away phone for contacting your other children so your calls cannot be traced. Pay cash for gas and/or taxis. Do not put anything on your bankcard or credit cards.

Tell your boss and co-workers about your situation so that If he threatens you at work, you will have others to support you there. If he calls you at work, use your phone and record the conversation.

File for divorce as soon as possible. Most lawyers will ask for a retainer fee, but some will hold off until the estate is settled. If you do not have the money for a lawyer, there are free lawyers in most areas of the USA.

May God bless you and keep you safe in this time of strife. Believe me, this time will pass and you will heal from the terrible abuse. You and your children are so much better off without him. He needs professional help, but he sounds like the type of guy who thinks that he is always right about everything and would refuse help if it slapped him in the face!**

My prayers are with you, and I have put you and your children on the prayer list at my church and other places. Soon you will have the entire world praying for you! Have faith, my dear, and pray, pray, pray, and then pray some more! God will answer your prayers. Remember that if He takes care of the smallest sparrow, He will surely take care of you, His own daughter.

 

[Caroline723]

He has not physically abused you or the children? Then I don’t believe that legally you can just vanish with a minor child; you could be arrested and end up being the one to ultimately lose custody if you do that. This guy sounds a classic narcissist. You can’t take an extreme action on the basis that he might react violently to your leaving.

My advice: Go talk to a lawyer or a counselor at a womens shelter now, quietly. Find out your options. In particularly, would he still have parental rights? Because if you leave, and you two split custody of your 13 year old, then that means your child will be alone with him half the time until he turns 18. How would you feel about that? Sorry to say, but it might be better to wait until he turns 17, and get both of you into counseling now.

Go find out your options first. It doesn’t sound like this guy’s behavior has changed in 30 years; you are just tired of it now. There is no just cause for a rash judgment.