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beespost
Guest
Please tell me what the Catholic church believes that premarital sex is. My boyfriend and I want to know how far we can take our intimacy without breaking God’s laws.
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lizziebits
Guest
I think my favorite answer to this question is: pretend that you and your boyfriend are not going to end up getting married. Pretend that your future husband is out there, dating some other girl. How far do you want the two of them to go?
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Convert_in_99
Guest
God is everywhere. He is very much in the room with you. So, what would you do (or not do) with Him there?
If you can’t picture that, put your parish priest, future husband, your mother, grandmother, and the ladies’ guild in there. Now what would you do (or not do.) After all, there is ALWAYS an audience of Jesus and the angels and saints even if there is no human being besides your boyfriend in the room.
If you can’t picture that, put your parish priest, future husband, your mother, grandmother, and the ladies’ guild in there. Now what would you do (or not do.) After all, there is ALWAYS an audience of Jesus and the angels and saints even if there is no human being besides your boyfriend in the room.
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Farley4334
Guest
Practically speaking: Don’t touch what you ain’t got. Kissing is as far as you should go until marriage. Level of kissing depends on what leads you into lustful thoughts or temptations of going further.
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HouseArrest
Guest
That’s a great way to look at it.
I would suggest you click on the chastity button at the top of the page. It will lead you to a website that has talks by Jason Evert (and others) about this very subject. He just gave the talk “Romance Without Regret” that answered your question. He can say it better than I can.
If you have an opportunity to hear him talk I would greatly recommend it. If not that talk is sold on the website on a DVD or CD.
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beespost
Guest
I guess what I’m saying is that my boyfriend and I want to be intimate without sinning. I wanted to know if we can cuddle or how far before it’s considered a sin in the Catholic Church. 
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armywife
Guest
How far to the edge of the cliff are you going to push each other before you fall off? Do you want to be with someone or be the one who pushes the other over or do you want to keep them safe?
Maybe a lame analogy, but I think it fits.
Maybe a lame analogy, but I think it fits.
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HouseArrest
Guest
There’s a whole lot more to it than a list of “yes’s” and a list of “no no’s”. If that is what you are looking for, you are missing the point.I guess what I’m saying is that my boyfriend and I want to be intimate without sinning. I wanted to know if we can cuddle or how far before it’s considered a sin in the Catholic Church.
Really - go listen to Romance Without Regret. You are soooo lucky to have these resources around - they weren’t there to guide us even ten years ago.
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kage_ar
Guest
Would you do it with your brother or sister? Would you do it in front of both sets of parents, all your Grandparents, your parish priest and Mary? If the answer to both of these is “yes” then it is most likely proper before marriage.
A hug, sitting with your arm around someone, holding hands, a chaste kiss, all are things that can be done before marriage. Intimate touching, deep kissing, “making out” any kind of foreplay is part of sex that is reserved for marriage.
A hug, sitting with your arm around someone, holding hands, a chaste kiss, all are things that can be done before marriage. Intimate touching, deep kissing, “making out” any kind of foreplay is part of sex that is reserved for marriage.
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OSUbride0708
Guest
I like this one. Luckily, my husband and I have been together since high school so he and I are each other’s only real sexual partners. However, before me, he did date one girl he was infatuated with and thought was the one. He ended up crushed in the end, and I am SO glad that they didn’t have sex. They did go a little farther than just kissing which still bothers me sometimes. I made similar mistakes, so it’s not like I hold it against him or am upset with him about it, but we both wish we could go back and share every first with each other.
Don’t be hasty about this decision.
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pumpkinbeast
Guest
This is a great way to think about it. Also, it’s not just about how far is too far, but how far before the temptation to go further is too much? We’re talking about a mortal sin, here. Mortal sin is WORSE than death; it’s separation from God. Imagine if you accidentally killed your boyfriend/girlfriend. How would you feel? Multiply that by a thousand, and that’s how bad you should feel if you lead them into mortal sin.
What is arousing in a sexual way is different for different people, so there isn’t any clear-cut rules of what’s okay and what isn’t, but in general, obviously stay away from ‘private parts’, and make sure your comfortable talking with each other about whether a certain action may have been too much for you. This isn’t about having as much fun as possible without sinning; this is about protecting each other as much as possible while having a bit of physical intimacy that is an important part of any romantic relationship. (If you’ve ever heard of the Love Languages, mine is physical for sure, so physical contact between me and my fiance is important to me, but NOT more important than making sure our souls stay safe!)
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
I agree that you would be best to understand the ideas of chastity etc… as Jason Evert’s site will probably help with.
However, you have a boyfriend NOW, so while you’re making sense of the concept of chastity, you should have some rules to live by. Here is the short version of the limits I hope my children will live by when they are old enough to be dating:
*First, I hope they don’t date casually, but rather to discern marriage with the person they’re dating. You might call this courtship.
*For the physical stuff, I’d consider the following ok for a couple that was serious about each other as possible spouse material:
—hand holding
—putting an arm around each other
—short, non erotic hugs
—short, non erotic kissing
To put it very bluntly, not only is intercourse outside of marriage sinful, but so is climax without intercourse. When you engage in alot of cuddling, extended kissing, and beyond, you are leading your body towards that goal of climax. Even if your mind sets a limit, your body naturally wants more. So if it is difficult to stop what you’re doing, then you’re going too far. In sexually active relationships, often the physical intimacy is for the purpose of leading up to intercourse. An unmarried couple can’t have that goal, so it doesn’t make sense to look for that kind of physical intimacy. The physical closeness that you share would be for the goal of expressing affection, NOT for sexual pleasure (even if that pleasure stops short of it’s goal). Foreplay should not be a part of dating.
However, you have a boyfriend NOW, so while you’re making sense of the concept of chastity, you should have some rules to live by. Here is the short version of the limits I hope my children will live by when they are old enough to be dating:
*First, I hope they don’t date casually, but rather to discern marriage with the person they’re dating. You might call this courtship.
*For the physical stuff, I’d consider the following ok for a couple that was serious about each other as possible spouse material:
—hand holding
—putting an arm around each other
—short, non erotic hugs
—short, non erotic kissing
To put it very bluntly, not only is intercourse outside of marriage sinful, but so is climax without intercourse. When you engage in alot of cuddling, extended kissing, and beyond, you are leading your body towards that goal of climax. Even if your mind sets a limit, your body naturally wants more. So if it is difficult to stop what you’re doing, then you’re going too far. In sexually active relationships, often the physical intimacy is for the purpose of leading up to intercourse. An unmarried couple can’t have that goal, so it doesn’t make sense to look for that kind of physical intimacy. The physical closeness that you share would be for the goal of expressing affection, NOT for sexual pleasure (even if that pleasure stops short of it’s goal). Foreplay should not be a part of dating.
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sheilathebard
Guest
Anything that intentionally arouses or gives sexual pleasure is wrong. Anything that does this unintentionally – well, now you know for next time what’s too far!
Now I am a person who has to have very strict lines, or I’m always going to make excuses. So here are my standards, more or less.
If you want to feel intimate, here’s my advice. Sit on the couch together, and lean on him. Have him put his arm around you. Then talk … talk about important things, sharing more of the depth of your heart, what you think about things, what you care about, what your dreams are. Believe me, this makes you feel closer than anything else I’ve done (though when I’m married, maybe there will be other things
). And it builds up your relationship!
Trust me, any intimacy you get by going further is just going to be spoiled by the guilt of knowing you’ve gone too far. A good motivation is remembering the other person’s soul – if you love them, you’re going to want to let them stay as close to God as they can be. They want the same for you – so don’t start anything that would land either of you sitting in the back of the church while everyone else goes to communion! Pray a lot for the grace of purity: it really helps.
Now I am a person who has to have very strict lines, or I’m always going to make excuses. So here are my standards, more or less.
- If it’s usually covered by clothes, don’t touch it.
- If it would be covered by a swimsuit, don’t go near it.
- Kisses are for faces and hands … kissing other places is a no.
- Kissing with lips – okay, kissing with tongues – not okay.
- Kisses should be pretty short.
- When you’re together, don’t spend time just involved in physical stuff. Kissing, even lightly, is pretty addictive and you’re just going to want to keep doing it and going further. Instead, kiss for hello and goodbye, and meanwhile have some other activity you’re doing, like talking, walking, watching a movie, whatever.
If you want to feel intimate, here’s my advice. Sit on the couch together, and lean on him. Have him put his arm around you. Then talk … talk about important things, sharing more of the depth of your heart, what you think about things, what you care about, what your dreams are. Believe me, this makes you feel closer than anything else I’ve done (though when I’m married, maybe there will be other things
). And it builds up your relationship!Trust me, any intimacy you get by going further is just going to be spoiled by the guilt of knowing you’ve gone too far. A good motivation is remembering the other person’s soul – if you love them, you’re going to want to let them stay as close to God as they can be. They want the same for you – so don’t start anything that would land either of you sitting in the back of the church while everyone else goes to communion! Pray a lot for the grace of purity: it really helps.
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