What is proper?

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My husband and I were both 28 when he died suddenly. I had two kids to take care of and raise, they were pretty young. I didn’t date for at least 4 years. And even now almost 30 years later I’ve never remarried. Not because I was hauling baggage or because I didn’t get over his death, but because I was too busy first raising kids, then taking care of elderly parents and now I simply haven’t met anyone I want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life.
One of my friends lost her husband after a prolonged illness and began dating with in 2 months. She was 60ish and so is her new friend. Her husband was not a very nice man though and I don’t think there was a lot of love at the end. I expect her to be remarried in the next few months, probably 6 months after her hubby died.
Have another friend in her mid 50’s who lost her husband a couple of years ago and I think even though she has been ready to find someone to date for a long time, just no one has struck her fancy I suppose.
I think when you are older, you don’t wait so long and you don’t have a long engagement. I mean really, time is moving faster and faster it seems the older we get, if you can find a second love, go for it. 🙂
It realy is up to the individuals, some heal faster than others and some never heal.
I think 1 year is the politically correct amount of time between a husbands/wifes death and dating.
 
gh4 said:
My husband and I were both 28 when he died suddenly. I had two kids to take care of and raise, they were pretty young. I didn’t date for at least 4 years. And even now almost 30 years later I’ve never remarried. Not because I was hauling baggage or because I didn’t get over his death, but because I was too busy first raising kids, then taking care of elderly parents and now I simply haven’t met anyone I want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life.
One of my friends lost her husband after a prolonged illness and began dating with in 2 months. She was 60ish and so is her new friend. Her husband was not a very nice man though and I don’t think there was a lot of love at the end. I expect her to be remarried in the next few months, probably 6 months after her hubby died.
Have another friend in her mid 50’s who lost her husband a couple of years ago and I think even though she has been ready to find someone to date for a long time, just no one has struck her fancy I suppose.
I think when you are older, you don’t wait so long and you don’t have a long engagement. I mean really, time is moving faster and faster it seems the older we get, if you can find a second love, go for it. 🙂
It realy is up to the individuals, some heal faster than others and some never heal.
I think 1 year is the politically correct amount of time between a husbands/wifes death and dating.
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I am getting more and more to think that this would be based on the individual and Gods plan for them. Thanks for your response!👍
 
DCNBILL said:
I am getting more and more to think that this would be based on the individual and Gods plan for them. Thanks for your response!👍
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Deacon Bill, while this is probably true, it is not advice that any individual will find useful. If an individual is asking you for advice on this matter in the course of your ministry, he has likely come across a lot of people/web sites that say this exact thing, ie “its up to the indivudual”. The problem is, that adice hasn’t help. Sometimes, especially in distress, people really want a more concrete answer and the reasoning behind it. They are smart enough to determine if the reasoning applies to them.

Although this particular issue has not been a real consideration for me (yet?), since my wife has died I have had several other issues come up. This type of response (eg “every individual is different”, “you have to do what you feel is right”, etc) is what I often get when I ask for advice. It is always useless advice. I want concrete advice or I wouldn’t be asking.

There have been two very good posts on this thread explaining possible reasonings behind the idea of waiting a year. Trust me, those are the types of responses we look for when asking for advice on these grieving subjects and they are quite refreshing and shockingly rare. We are smart enough to know if the response applies in our individual case.
 
Of course there is always the answer that if they have to ask because they are still worried about what people might think then they probably aren’t ready. If they were ready they would know.
 
I think there are multiple reasons for suggesting at least a year before dating. Some reasons are for the benefit of the surviving spouse and for close family and friends. Most of these also benefit any potential dating partners.

As has been mentioned, it is useful to experience all the seasons of the year without the spouse.

By the end of a year, (perhaps this should be until the end of the tax year following the death of the spouse) most of the legal and financial effects of the death of the spouse have been noted and are at least in the process of being handled.

A year shows respect to relatives and close friends of the deceased spouse.

A year gives the surviving spouse a chance to recognize any depression he/she may be experiencing for what it is.

After a year the surviving spouse will have had some experience taking care of him/herself. This is a gift to any new prospect who deserves to get an independent adult, not a new dependent.
A few specific thoughts:

If there are minor children it will probably be better to wait even longer before the surviving spouse begins to date so that the parent can devote more time and interest to the children.

This is particularly the case were the wife dies: The surviving spouse needs to understand that adult children will not only be dealing with the death of their parent but they may also be grieving the loss of their childhood home, even if they only see it on holidays. While the adult children do not have a right to their childhood home it is a kindness to them to given them some time to grieve that loss before imagining a potential stepparent occupying the deceased parent’s spot.

An unexpected, violent, unusually tragic, and/or highly publicized death most likely requires a longer grieving period than one where death was slow in coming and possibly welcomed.
 
There are some really good thoughts on here for why a year is appropriate - and it probably is in most circumstances. In fact, all of the points raised are very good prudential considerations.

However, again, I think the real focus needs to be on what Jesus wants for a person. Different circumstances are different, and the Lord’s plan for each person is different. Thus, the time frame could be days or decades.

I have a very good friend since high school who became a widower two years ago. He was 39, she was 35. She died after a five year battle with cancer. While she had ups and downs - and enjoyed nearly full remission for nearly two years - the end did not come quickly; it was a slow, agonizing death over a year.

When she died, he had already been grieving for her for a long time. They also had plenty of time to say goodbyes, as she knew that she was for sure going to die a few months before she actually passed. I believe that she told him that after she was gone, that he should mourn her and then move on.

My friend began dating again within just three months; though he didn’t go looking - he just met someone. In my opinion, in this particular circumstance, the relationship was entirely appropriate and healthy. While not married again yet, he still has a relationship with the same woman.

If you focus on time (a year, whatever) you lose focus on what is important. You may lose an opportunity that the Lord has placed in your life by focusing on some meaningless number. Conversely, you may get into a relationship after two years - when you are simply not ready. You may also miss an opportunity for a vocation in the religious life.

Focus on Jesus’ plan for you and have a very strong prayer life. The rest will follow. 🙂
 
If something should happen to my wife, I would remain celibate and not remarry. I couldnt imagine loving another human being as much as I do my wife. We have shared everything and to then bring a stranger in after she is gone seems wrong to me. Just MO.
 
tafan said:
Deacon Bill, while this is probably true, it is not advice that any individual will find useful. If an individual is asking you for advice on this matter in the course of your ministry, he has likely come across a lot of people/web sites that say this exact thing, ie “its up to the indivudual”. The problem is, that adice hasn’t help. Sometimes, especially in distress, people really want a more concrete answer and the reasoning behind it. They are smart enough to determine if the reasoning applies to them.

Although this particular issue has not been a real consideration for me (yet?), since my wife has died I have had several other issues come up. This type of response (eg “every individual is different”, “you have to do what you feel is right”, etc) is what I often get when I ask for advice. It is always useless advice. I want concrete advice or I wouldn’t be asking.

There have been two very good posts on this thread explaining possible reasonings behind the idea of waiting a year. Trust me, those are the types of responses we look for when asking for advice on these grieving subjects and they are quite refreshing and shockingly rare. We are smart enough to know if the response applies in our individual case.
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Thanks for that! Please note however I am not in the business of giving “advice”. I am in the business of sharing my faith with others. It is just at times, different things like this do come up. The more experience that I can get from others the more I will be able to get a handle on what the person is going through and if necessary direct them to the proper person for counseling. My training is in theology so the only “advice” that I ever give is to pray and leave it at the feet of The Savior.👍

What you said however makes alot of sense!
 
SMHW said:
I think there are multiple reasons for suggesting at least a year before dating. Some reasons are for the benefit of the surviving spouse and for close family and friends. Most of these also benefit any potential dating partners.

As has been mentioned, it is useful to experience all the seasons of the year without the spouse.

By the end of a year, (perhaps this should be until the end of the tax year following the death of the spouse) most of the legal and financial effects of the death of the spouse have been noted and are at least in the process of being handled.

A year shows respect to relatives and close friends of the deceased spouse.

A year gives the surviving spouse a chance to recognize any depression he/she may be experiencing for what it is.

After a year the surviving spouse will have had some experience taking care of him/herself. This is a gift to any new prospect who deserves to get an independent adult, not a new dependent.
A few specific thoughts:

If there are minor children it will probably be better to wait even longer before the surviving spouse begins to date so that the parent can devote more time and interest to the children.

This is particularly the case were the wife dies: The surviving spouse needs to understand that adult children will not only be dealing with the death of their parent but they may also be grieving the loss of their childhood home, even if they only see it on holidays. While the adult children do not have a right to their childhood home it is a kindness to them to given them some time to grieve that loss before imagining a potential stepparent occupying the deceased parent’s spot.

An unexpected, violent, unusually tragic, and/or highly publicized death most likely requires a longer grieving period than one where death was slow in coming and possibly welcomed.
Click to expand...
Excellent insights here, thanks for the post! 👍
 
DWC_RC said:
If something should happen to my wife, I would remain celibate and not remarry. I couldnt imagine loving another human being as much as I do my wife. We have shared everything and to then bring a stranger in after she is gone seems wrong to me. Just MO.
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Those were my thoughts exactly prior to my wife’s death. She seemed to have had a different opinion. She tried to bring it up a couple of times and I didn’t want to talk about it, so the conversations never went more than two or three sentences. I remember one time her telling me I needed to find a nice hispanic girl, because they knew how to love kids so much. I kind of wish I would have talked to her a little more about it, because I do kind of wonder what she would have thought was best. And while I haven’t spent much time thinking about it the last few months, I would say that my opinion has changed. It would definitely be a matter of timing, so this thread has been helpful.
 
SMHW said:
A few specific thoughts:

If there are minor children it will probably be better to wait even longer before the surviving spouse begins to date so that the parent can devote more time and interest to the children.

This is particularly the case were the wife dies: The surviving spouse needs to understand that adult children will not only be dealing with the death of their parent but they may also be grieving the loss of their childhood home, even if they only see it on holidays. While the adult children do not have a right to their childhood home it is a kindness to them to given them some time to grieve that loss before imagining a potential stepparent occupying the deceased parent’s spot.

An unexpected, violent, unusually tragic, and/or highly publicized death most likely requires a longer grieving period than one where death was slow in coming and possibly welcomed.
Click to expand...
In general, all good thoughts. A couple of responses have just popped in my mind. Relative to the minor children, the whole thing would be quite scarey. I would hate to screw up what is currently going much better than could have been expected. I have 3 young boys and I am not really concerned with being able to raise them and deal with their issues as they grow and mature. I am pretty good at understanding boys. OTH, I have two young girls and I am very worried about them as they get older. I can remember several instances with my older daughters when I would have been at an utter loss on knowing how to deal with them, but my wife knew what to do. I do worry about them really needing a mother. That perhaps should speed up the timing a little.

As to the adult children, I would not be that worried about the situation discribed based on their personalities and our family situation. I guess when you have a large family, it is just hard to see the idea of the home being taken away so easily by one new person.

Thanks all, for the thread.
 
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