I am a baptized Christian (Baptist) who had my first serious conversation with a committed Catholic a few weeks ago & I have not been able to stop thinking about this since. I’ve been reading everything I can about the Catholic Faith & have come to some conclusions rooted in logic.
It’s a wonderful adventure, isn’t it?
This presents many problems for me … My wife & I were both married before… I am reasonably sure that my first marriage would be declared null… I do not think my current wife has as strong a case, although she had a much shorter marriage. I also doubt she will be willing to pursue the annulment process or become Catholic.
My current wife claims to be a Christian & was baptized as a child, but has no interest in the church. I also believe she would be very judgmental of any attempt I might make to become Catholic… We have been together for many years and are close friends, still attracted to one another, with 3 children together. I met her while I was still with my first wife & she helped me get the courage to do what I had wanted to do since very early in my first marriage: leave her. I think that my current marriage is also not sacramental, since she was also married before & even if that was annulled, it began in sin & neither of us was committed to the idea that it HAD to be forever anyway.
I now understand & agree with the catholic understanding of the Sacrament of Marriage & it kind of scares me. In my protestant idea of things, I have always held onto the idea that I could get out & start over if I really needed to. Now, that doesn’t mean I believe in easy divorce. We have lived together too long & struggled through too much for that, but it was still an option. Honestly, if this marriage required convalidation, assuming annulments were granted all around, I’m not sure I could do that. I would want a partner in faith for life & I don’t see my current wife filling that role, no matter how I might love her.
So, what should I do here? …If I seek an annulment & she does not, where does that leave me? What if both of us are annulled & they tell us to get convalidated & I decide I can’t do that. Would that mean our marriage was not sacramental, e.g. null, in the eyes of the Church? I am also concerned about the effects on our lives in other ways, the children…finances, ect… all of which are exceedingly important.
I want to seek out God’s will & do what’s right & I’m confused & afraid. I don’t want to risk my soul. …
What a mess!
You seem to understand correctly that in the eyes of the Catholic Church, you and your wife are currently married, each to someone else, and not validly to each other. In other words, your marriage is neither sacramental or valid. You also seem to understand that both of you need to start the process of nullity. The pastor (or his designate) would help you discern which grounds to base the defect(s) of consent on (such as one or both spouses not accepting the permanence or fidelity required in marriage, or being open to the procreation and education of children). With his assistance, each of you would complete a petition to the diocesan Tribunal, accompanied with evidence of defect of consent. The Tribunal would send questionnaires to your list of witnesses and would also give the spouses an opportunity to participate by sending them questionnaires to complete.
You are correct that unless the Tribunal rules that there was a defect of consent for both your first marriages, then you cannot be received in full communion with the Catholic Church as long as you are legally married to your current wife.
Are you sure your wife wouldn’t support you in your spiritual journey (which would mean she would accept both your desire to be received into the Catholic Church, and the need for her to petition for nullity)? Perhaps you can ask the pastor for some advice on how you can discuss this with her.
You seem to be torn as to whether you want to remain married? If the two first marriages are found to be invalid, your wife is not required to become Catholic for you to become Catholic. You wrote: “I would want a partner in faith for life & I don’t see my current wife filling that role, no matter how I might love her.” You would leave her to become Catholic? I think this is a huge issue, with not a few ramifications, and is something you would need to discuss with a priest, not with us!
In the meantime, it is okay for you to attend Mass, to learn about Catholicism, and mostly, as a disciple of Christ, to love Him, your family, and others with all of your being!
Life is messy – keep remembering that the Holy Spirit will help you if you’re open to His help! What will help you the most throughout your discernment is prayer. You and your family will be remembered in mine.
