T
TPJCatholic
Guest
Hey, if there is any question about the value of stay-at-home moms, then I am really in trouble as a stay-at-home dad! I suppose I am just a lowlife. 
- Status
O
otm
Guest
Love it! :dancing:
M
manualman
Guest
Sorry, but I think you need to give Momma a reality check. If she still thinks of you as her little boy who needs to be told what to do, please ask yourself if you actually HAVE cut the apron strings!
There needs to be a private, one-one conversation like this:
"Mom, I know you mean well. I know you want the best for me and my family. But let me be perfectly clear: you are NOT going to make condescending/critical comments to my wife EVER again. If you have a criticism or problem with something we are doing, fine. Talk to me in private. I’ll listen, but I make no promises that I’ll live my marriage according to your orders.
We will make our choices about how to raise our children and grow our marriage on our own, according to our own conscience and faith. This is NOT up for discussion."
There needs to be a private, one-one conversation like this:
"Mom, I know you mean well. I know you want the best for me and my family. But let me be perfectly clear: you are NOT going to make condescending/critical comments to my wife EVER again. If you have a criticism or problem with something we are doing, fine. Talk to me in private. I’ll listen, but I make no promises that I’ll live my marriage according to your orders.
We will make our choices about how to raise our children and grow our marriage on our own, according to our own conscience and faith. This is NOT up for discussion."
B
BeluvdLily
Guest
Please do not let your mother sway you. I’m a stay at home mom even though my son is 17. I’ve only been able to do it in the last year but my son has commented how he likes having me here and my husband seems to like it to as I’m able to help him with his job as a truck driver by finding him directions, etc. and I’m able to be home when he’s home. I feel devoted to my home and family, not torn between trying to be loyal also to an employer who would never be loyal to me.
I am not Catholic but am planning to convert. I was raised Protestant. My mother is like yours, discouraging us from more children, sure we’ll go under, not seeing any excuse for my not working, etc. even though she was home with my older sisters for years! How dare she tell me not to do what she was able to do.
At any rate, the only people who count here are you and your wife and kids. I commend you for making this choice. There is no replacement for the security it will give all of you and your wife will not feel torn in two directions as I always felt having to work while my son was small.
(I should add that I was a single mom and had no choice but to work. I have since remarried a wonderful man who supports me in wanting to be home!)
Amie
I am not Catholic but am planning to convert. I was raised Protestant. My mother is like yours, discouraging us from more children, sure we’ll go under, not seeing any excuse for my not working, etc. even though she was home with my older sisters for years! How dare she tell me not to do what she was able to do.
At any rate, the only people who count here are you and your wife and kids. I commend you for making this choice. There is no replacement for the security it will give all of you and your wife will not feel torn in two directions as I always felt having to work while my son was small.
(I should add that I was a single mom and had no choice but to work. I have since remarried a wonderful man who supports me in wanting to be home!)
Amie
D
Dorothy
Guest
God and your wife definitely come before your mother’s wishes.
She should not be interfering with your decisions.
My husband and I raised eight children on his very moderate income. I was happy to be a stay-at-home mom and never for a minute regret any of it. We had to do a lot of penny-pinching, but we always had what we needed. I wasn’t ashamed to shop in thrift shops for clothing, and to accept second-hand clothes from other extended family members, and neighbors as well.
When we needed a new crib or playpen it seemed that it came along from someone. I always felt blessed to get these items. Good used bicycles were purchased at garage sales, or graciously accepted from families whose children had outgrown them.
Material things count for nothing. We are not put on this earth to make life as comfortable and entertaining as we can. When you are on a budget and do without unecessary luxuries you find ways to entertain yourselves and have good family times together.
Now my children are grown and have families of their own. We try to have a reunion every two years and when we do get together they laugh and talk about all the fun they had together growing up. They also mention to me what an education it was for them to have to deliver papers, shovel snow, and babysit to earn money.
The example to me was my grandmother and grandfather, immigrants from Italy, who raised seven children in a three room apartment. Compared to my experience they were very poor. They all grew up, married, and there wasn’t one divorce among them. My childhood memories were of a loving, extended family.
That made me realize how irrelevant fancy luxuries are.
She should not be interfering with your decisions.
My husband and I raised eight children on his very moderate income. I was happy to be a stay-at-home mom and never for a minute regret any of it. We had to do a lot of penny-pinching, but we always had what we needed. I wasn’t ashamed to shop in thrift shops for clothing, and to accept second-hand clothes from other extended family members, and neighbors as well.
When we needed a new crib or playpen it seemed that it came along from someone. I always felt blessed to get these items. Good used bicycles were purchased at garage sales, or graciously accepted from families whose children had outgrown them.
Material things count for nothing. We are not put on this earth to make life as comfortable and entertaining as we can. When you are on a budget and do without unecessary luxuries you find ways to entertain yourselves and have good family times together.
Now my children are grown and have families of their own. We try to have a reunion every two years and when we do get together they laugh and talk about all the fun they had together growing up. They also mention to me what an education it was for them to have to deliver papers, shovel snow, and babysit to earn money.
The example to me was my grandmother and grandfather, immigrants from Italy, who raised seven children in a three room apartment. Compared to my experience they were very poor. They all grew up, married, and there wasn’t one divorce among them. My childhood memories were of a loving, extended family.
That made me realize how irrelevant fancy luxuries are.
K
kp1
Guest
UofL19,
Wow your mother sounds like my MIL, only she is anti-Catholic.
First, this is very difficult for you. She is your mother, but she is trying to come between your marriage. You should tell her is a non discript way “Thank you for your advice. We will consider it in our decision.” And leave it at that. Then she knows you heard her, but she will have to let you make th choice.
One thing I noticed no-one said about two incomes is the tax bracket. If your wife works, most likely it bumps you up into a higher tax bracket thus an extra amount of your salary would get gobbled up by the US and you would over all only see about a 2-10% gain of income if she were to work. At this point you must decide if that luxury car or expensive vacation is worth it?
My hubby is in the Navy. We agreed it was unfair to create such an unstable environment for our children since daddy would be gone a lot if I too worked. And now I am going to take on HSing. My MIL is up in arms about it, but I have to answer to God not her! How selfish is it for me to not raise God’s children? They are his blessings, so why not enjoy them!
Now there is possibly another issue here with your mother, is she more upset with you marrying outside of the Church? What is your wife’s feeling on the RC? My MIL wants me to send my son to public school to let him get out from underneath my RC clutches. She is also afraid I am going to ruin her only grandson since I already took her son.
I think your mother is very confused and is putting blame in the wrong places. She needs prayers and hopefully the Holy Spirit will open her eyes soon to what she is doing. By all of this bickering she is really driving a wedge between the two of you.
Good luck! and may God Bless!
Wow your mother sounds like my MIL, only she is anti-Catholic.
First, this is very difficult for you. She is your mother, but she is trying to come between your marriage. You should tell her is a non discript way “Thank you for your advice. We will consider it in our decision.” And leave it at that. Then she knows you heard her, but she will have to let you make th choice.
One thing I noticed no-one said about two incomes is the tax bracket. If your wife works, most likely it bumps you up into a higher tax bracket thus an extra amount of your salary would get gobbled up by the US and you would over all only see about a 2-10% gain of income if she were to work. At this point you must decide if that luxury car or expensive vacation is worth it?
My hubby is in the Navy. We agreed it was unfair to create such an unstable environment for our children since daddy would be gone a lot if I too worked. And now I am going to take on HSing. My MIL is up in arms about it, but I have to answer to God not her! How selfish is it for me to not raise God’s children? They are his blessings, so why not enjoy them!
Now there is possibly another issue here with your mother, is she more upset with you marrying outside of the Church? What is your wife’s feeling on the RC? My MIL wants me to send my son to public school to let him get out from underneath my RC clutches. She is also afraid I am going to ruin her only grandson since I already took her son.
I think your mother is very confused and is putting blame in the wrong places. She needs prayers and hopefully the Holy Spirit will open her eyes soon to what she is doing. By all of this bickering she is really driving a wedge between the two of you.
Good luck! and may God Bless!
L
Liberian
Guest
uofl19,
If I may give you about twenty years’ advance warning of a pitfall you are going to face, when the kids start leaving home it will be much more difficult for a stay-at-home mother than it would be for one who worked outside the home. If she home-schools the kids it is compounded further. Not only will she be losing her children, she will be losing her job. It will take considerable support and sensitivity on your part to help her to let go. At that point–if not earlier–she would probably do well to find something to do outside the home. But when the kids are pre-school, they are a full-time job by themselves.
But this by itself is certainly no reason for your wife to go out and get a job any time soon.
- Liberian
K
kp1
Guest
I totally disagree! My mother was/is a stay at home mom, and she has not had this huge crushing blow when her youngest went off to college. She is and has been very active in the church, daily mass, Eucharistic Adoration, and delivering meals to the disabled vets and senior citzens who are unable to leave their homes. She still is helping my other sisters who are grown and have their own families. Actually the one who took it the hardest was my Father when the baby left. He was more lost, but quickly found things to do.
Your wife will develop hobbies (geneology, scrapbooking, reading, etc.) that she will one day say she can not wait till she can devote more time to it in the furture. Life changes and so do we. Yes at times us stay at home mothers have identity crisis, but that is just Satan talking. It is easier to go to work, have other adults to enteract with, have a title, and feel like you are part of “the system”, but the children suffer. Children need the love, nurturing and security only a stay at home parent (not just mothers) can provide. How unnatural it feels for a child to be thrown into the arms of a stranger and told to follow orders. And some people wonder why their teenagers never talk to them anymore, they have been conditioned by outside forces to think less of their parents and more of their peers.
I have a scripture passage for you!
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, so that you may judge what is God’s will, what is good, pleasing and perfect.”
God’s will is never an easy thing to do, but we know it is better for everyone in the greater schema of things. How great for your wife to be so selfless to put her family and children before her own needs or wants!!!
E
EquusNomVeritas
Guest
I would like to give a slightly different perspective on this. I am not married, and have no children, so I can’t speak to experience from that particular point of view. However, I did have a mother who was stay-at home (I was actually home-schooled for 4 years). The result was that my brothers and I were raised in an evironment in which we knew that our parents loved us, and cared for us. Even in our “turbulent teen” years, rebellious rebellious as my brother was and as I could have been, we all knew that there were always some people that we could turn to for advice or comfort, even if we didn’t always agree. My youngest brother is still at home (hasn’t graduated from high school yet), but the rest of of are off at college (I’m actually out of state on an intership right now); even with our separation from being at home, we know we are always welcome back, and that there are people there who truly do love us and care for us. And we stay in fairly regular contact with our parents, even during the business of the school year.
I have observed that this is in some contrast with how my dad interacts with his parents (especially his mom). He did not have a stay-at-home mom. We don’t really see his family very often (they live maybe 30 minutes away). He does talk to his family, but it’s not very frequent.
I compare this to my mom’s side of the family. The whole family tries to get together at least twice a year (Christmas and Easter), and often will try to go on family vacations at the end of the summer; a good part of the family is usaully there during Thanksgiving. Those of us who lived in the same general area used to get together every Sunday after Mass- this was nearly half of that side of the family. My grandma on that side of the family was a stay-at-home mom.
As a final point, consider the general difference in education between those American (I haven’t seen data from elsewhere) children that have home-schooled, those that have been sent to public or even private schools. The former case pretty much requires that one parent stay at home, the latters do not (and often the second parent does not stay at home as a result). But in general, the homeshooled children outperform their public (and even most private) school counterparts. Why? I would argue that a part of it is the parental involvement factor, because it also seems that the kids in public or private schools whose parents take the time to help them with their homework do better than the kids with uninvolved parents (though not, I think, as well as the homeschooled children) as well. In other words, your children well get a better education if you or your wife takes an active role in it. And how much more of an active role will you be taking if one of you stays home full time to raise them during their most formative years?
As an aside, the willingness to stay at home to raise the children is one thing that I actually look for in a potential wife. In fact, it’s on of the first things that I look for. Sadly, I’ve found that most of the women that I know who have actually said that they want to do this are taken, so I have to say that you are a very lucky man, uofl19, to have found a wife who wants to do this, regardless of what your mother says about the matter.
I have observed that this is in some contrast with how my dad interacts with his parents (especially his mom). He did not have a stay-at-home mom. We don’t really see his family very often (they live maybe 30 minutes away). He does talk to his family, but it’s not very frequent.
I compare this to my mom’s side of the family. The whole family tries to get together at least twice a year (Christmas and Easter), and often will try to go on family vacations at the end of the summer; a good part of the family is usaully there during Thanksgiving. Those of us who lived in the same general area used to get together every Sunday after Mass- this was nearly half of that side of the family. My grandma on that side of the family was a stay-at-home mom.
As a final point, consider the general difference in education between those American (I haven’t seen data from elsewhere) children that have home-schooled, those that have been sent to public or even private schools. The former case pretty much requires that one parent stay at home, the latters do not (and often the second parent does not stay at home as a result). But in general, the homeshooled children outperform their public (and even most private) school counterparts. Why? I would argue that a part of it is the parental involvement factor, because it also seems that the kids in public or private schools whose parents take the time to help them with their homework do better than the kids with uninvolved parents (though not, I think, as well as the homeschooled children) as well. In other words, your children well get a better education if you or your wife takes an active role in it. And how much more of an active role will you be taking if one of you stays home full time to raise them during their most formative years?
As an aside, the willingness to stay at home to raise the children is one thing that I actually look for in a potential wife. In fact, it’s on of the first things that I look for. Sadly, I’ve found that most of the women that I know who have actually said that they want to do this are taken, so I have to say that you are a very lucky man, uofl19, to have found a wife who wants to do this, regardless of what your mother says about the matter.
E
Eden
Guest
I’m sorry but I really don’t understand why this is an issue of religion. Your mother harboring bitterness does not sound like she understands the message of her own faith. Being a stay-at-home mom and Catholic, I have no idea what she is talking about. It was the common course for women in general until the 1960s-70s. The change is cultural not religious. There are many stay-at-home moms at www.catholicmom.com .
C
carol_marie
Guest
I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you wanted from the Catholics you talked to. Hopefully the responses to your question here have made you realize that there are many many Catholic women who stay home with their children. When I was a Protestant I stayed home with my kids - and now that I’m Catholic, I’m still at home with them. I agree with whoever said it isn’t a matter of religion - I have friends on both sides.
I also thank you for sticking up for your wife against your Mom. It’s unfortunate that she has put you in that position and I pray that she’ll come around when the baby is born & agree that there’s no one better to take care of her grandchild that it’s Mother.
Blessings,
CM
- Status