What is wrong with daughter-in-law?

[aicirt]

The thing about DILs like that… the karma wheel will come back around if she has sons. She may someday relive the cup of bitterness she served you for decades.

Her children are learning how to treat inlaws from her example. Someday she will be someone else’s MIL.

Having said that, the son needs to show some respect and love too. I suspect this situation didn’t happen in a bubble. It started long before he got married. His relationship with his family and his choice of a spouse is now unwinding to a logical conclusion.

A different man would have said, “Dear, my children will know my family. They will be involved. I love my parents. I won’t put up with this nonsense. You don’t have to go to every family function, but weddings and funerals are the bare minimum.”

My xh didn’t go to weddings. Which was nice. Because now my siblings don’t have him glowering in their wedding albums. He’s not a member of the family anymore, and he never really wanted to be.

Thank You! And there is no way my husband or any man would have kept me from my Mother. Reason being my family consisted of the two of us. We may have had some arguments but she was to be at my table for all holidays etc. My husband’s mother was also a widow when we marrried. I told him the same thing because I always knew someday I’d be taking care of my Mom with his help and I’d take care of his Mom too.

Dil didn’t glower but there’s been times when they’ve arrived for an occasion and you could cut the tension with a knife.

Son came to me and asked what was wrong with a woman who was jealous of her own child. I couldn’t even get my head around what he was saying. Bottom line was she didn’t want him paying so much attention to the baby. She wanted his attention.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, meddling in-laws can be a bane on a marriage but that works both ways. You cannot bring grief on your parents or in-laws. You cannot use either as an emotional punching bag and then, if they try and defend themselves, yell that they are meddlesome and are interfering with your marriage. I have every right to defend myself but since I’ve learned it gets us no where, we’ve backed off for self-preservation.

Regarding that Catholic speaker…do you have sons? I too have heard the expression a daughter is a daughter all of your life but a son is a son until he takes a wife. Or “You mothers of sons, you just can’t let go of your boys.” LOL.
How about this one…HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER. You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to call your in-laws Mom and Dad. **But for the love of God, and I mean that literally, treat them as you would want to be treated or as you treat your own parents. **

The lie…I didn’t know she lied until her MOTHER told me. I didn’t have to catch her or try an manipulate her. Why would I do that?

Bolded for emphasis, mine.
And there lies the problem…didn’t you say that she doesn’t have the best relationship with her own parents? Can’t expect her to treat you guys better than she would her own parents. It is hard, I have a son…he is only 16, but I pray he marries someone who is loving to me. That said…I would (if I were you) erase all the bad. Just erase it. Send her a card…just a thinking of you, very simple kind of card. Or call her, and leave her a message. And just keep doing it…and see if this helps. Who knows why she did what she did or didn’t do…just erase it. Talk to you son…tell him you love him…and tell his wife the same thing. Sometimes, you just have to be the ‘‘bigger’’ person…

I pray things get better. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank You! And there is no way my husband or any man would have kept me from my Mother. Reason being my family consisted of the two of us. We may have had some arguments but she was to be at my table for all holidays etc. My husband’s mother was also a widow when we marrried. I told him the same thing because I always knew someday I’d be taking care of my Mom with his help and I’d take care of his Mom too.

Dil didn’t glower but there’s been times when they’ve arrived for an occasion and you could cut the tension with a knife.

Son came to me and asked what was wrong with a woman who was jealous of her own child. I couldn’t even get my head around what he was saying. Bottom line was she didn’t want him paying so much attention to the baby. She wanted his attention.

*Something is definitely wrong there, being jealous of one’s own baby. I think that she needs counseling, but in the meantime, like I said above, you can just be loving to her. We don’t need to receive love back, to give it. I’m sure you are a dear MIL…and I imagine it would be hard to watch your son in a relationship that isn’t exactly of your choosing. I pray she gets counseling, because that will help her to heal, from whatever it is that’s on her mind, and keeping her from forming healthy relationships, and distancing herself from her husband’s family. Reach out to her though, never know. It really might help, in the long run. My sister and I had a strange relationship years ago, she was very distant. She had issues, but I just kept trying to reach out. Do my part, at least. This is all God expects of us…to do our parts. And leave the results to Him. Over time, it took a while, she came around…and now we are quite close. Granted this is my sister, not my sister in law…but, I have a feeling, that if you keep at it, she will eventually appreciate it, and hopefully, wish to develop a relationship with you. It must be a strain on your son, but he has to also stand up for himself in this. I will pray for you all. God bless. *

 

[aicirt]

**There is something wrong with her family. Family shouldn’t be badmouthing each other like that behind each others back. That her mother speaks about her that way is very sad. None of you have any business gossiping about her like this. I wouldn’t return a call either. Because I’d feel like no matter what I said who know how it would be taken to someone else.

Your son is a big boy. He can write his own cards and phone calls and if he doesn’t do it then don’t blame his wife.

As for the rest…

It sounds like entirely unneccessary drama. So she just had a baby and was nursing and didn’t call you back. Did it ever occur to you that she was exhausted and forgot? Did it not occur to you to call your son? I completely don’t get that.

I won’t say you are a bad mil.

But I will say everything you posted that you have done or said would have sent me as a dil as far from dealing with you as possible. I would avoid talking to you and absolutely would avoid visiting with, ESP with the kids bc I can’t think of any reason why I’d want my kids around someone that disrespects their mother. Your son and this woman have become one and made a family. Every word against her (whether true or not) will drive your son away from you. But the opposite is also true. The more you love your dil the closer you will be to your son. **

I see you have six sons. That’s wonderful. We had a pretty close relationship with our kids too. It is something you think you’ll never lose. You think of a death, car accident when they’re teenagers, hope they don’t get into drugs, hope they don’t get into trouble. You know the drill. And you have these wonderful visions in your head of big family holidays with their wives and grandchildren. I’m sure you think of all that too.

My friend, mother of four wonderful sons, had those dreams too. She wasn’t getting my plight until it happened to her and her husband. One of her adult sons married a woman who wanted nothing to do with his family and didn’t want him to have anything to do with his daughter by a previous marriage. She then called and told me she knew what I had been talking about. She never knew one person could cause such havoc in a family. And she has an excellent relationship with her other three dils.

When you carry my cross, then you can tell me she’s justified.

 

[dashso40]

You are so filled with anger and resentment, it will eat away at your soul. Accept the relationship the way it is. Stop criticizing every move she makes…she probably can feel your resentment, that may be why she screens the calls. My mother gets this way with my brother and his wife, and it has caused a riff between them. I tell my mom, accept her and accept him, they are who they are…not everyone likes to be social,some people get overwhelmed easily, and I know my sil is like this and it’s fine, she can’t change how she socializes. Your son is a grown man, he can handle his own life, as my brother can handle his…It is not my mothers business…Forgive…forgive…forgive…harboring resentment will only hurt you…
**Mother Teresa said in order to be forgiven, one has to forgive.(which is part of Prayer of St Francis)
**
God bless you, let go of your anger…I have been on the side of anger and it just eats you up…

 

[dulcissima]

The bride to be had to call son who was to be the best man.

This is pretty strange to me.

Why wasn’t this handled between the brothers. If your son wanted your other son to be the best man in his wedding, why is the responsibility for it falling on your daughters in law?

In your family are the men not responsible for any social arrangements or family visits? Does it all fall on the women?

 

[whatevergirl]

I see you have six sons. That’s wonderful. We had a pretty close relationship with our kids too. It is something you think you’ll never lose. You think of a death, car accident when they’re teenagers, hope they don’t get into drugs, hope they don’t get into trouble. You know the drill. And you have these wonderful visions in your head of big family holidays with their wives and grandchildren. I’m sure you think of all that too.

My friend, mother of four wonderful sons, had those dreams too. She wasn’t getting my plight until it happened to her and her husband. One of her adult sons married a woman who wanted nothing to do with his family and didn’t want him to have anything to do with his daughter by a previous marriage. She then called and told me she knew what I had been talking about. She never knew one person could cause such havoc in a family. And she has an excellent relationship with her other three dils.

When you carry my cross, then you can tell me she’s justified.

*If this were to happen to my husband and me someday, I’d be equally angry with our son or daughter for marrying someone like this. People get what they accept. If your son isn’t okay with this, why does he accept it? This has little to do with you, and your husband–more to do with why your son is in such a dysfunctional relationship. That is probably why you are so sad/upset/disappointed. Every parent wishes their kids to be in healthy, functioning relationships. They don’t foresee having strife in their relationships with their inlaws. So, to me, I would try my best to not view this as about you and your family, it’s more about why your son tolerates his wife treating his family like this. *

 

[aicirt]

*Something is definitely wrong there, being jealous of one’s own baby. I think that she needs counseling, but in the meantime, like I said above, you can just be loving to her. We don’t need to receive love back, to give it. I’m sure you are a dear MIL…and I imagine it would be hard to watch your son in a relationship that isn’t exactly of your choosing. I pray she gets counseling, because that will help her to heal, from whatever it is that’s on her mind, and keeping her from forming healthy relationships, and distancing herself from her husband’s family. Reach out to her though, never know. It really might help, in the long run. My sister and I had a strange relationship years ago, she was very distant. She had issues, but I just kept trying to reach out. Do my part, at least. This is all God expects of us…to do our parts. And leave the results to Him. Over time, it took a while, she came around…and now we are quite close. Granted this is my sister, not my sister in law…but, I have a feeling, that if you keep at it, she will eventually appreciate it, and hopefully, wish to develop a relationship with you. It must be a strain on your son, but he has to also stand up for himself in this. I will pray for you all. God bless. *

I agree. But you have got to recognize that you have a problem. She doesn’t. Her life is how she wants it. There is no need for her to change. Yes, my son, if it was important to him re. us, should have made the grown rules years ago. Either he did and they ignored or he didn’t. I do know in the early years when he did stop in, she was on the phone demanding he come home because she didn’t see him enough and now he “was up there”…meaning visiting his parents.

I appreciate your prayers and am glad you have a relationship with your sister.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree. But you have got to recognize that you have a problem. She doesn’t. Her life is how she wants it. There is no need for her to change. Yes, my son, if it was important to him re. us, should have made the grown rules years ago. Either he did and they ignored or he didn’t. I do know in the early years when he did stop in, she was on the phone demanding he come home because she didn’t see him enough and now he “was up there”…meaning visiting his parents.

I appreciate your prayers and am glad you have a relationship with your sister.

*I do agree with your earlier assessment, that if this were a daughter of yours dealing with a husband like this, we’d be more apt to dubbing him abusive. I think this is a form of abuse, and control. But, she needs help…I think that on some level, she is good to your son. But, your son HAS to see this, has to know it bothers you. It is a tough situation. *

 

[aicirt]

This is pretty strange to me.

Why wasn’t this handled between the brothers. If your son wanted your other son to be the best man in his wedding, why is the responsibility for it falling on your daughters in law?

In your family are the men not responsible for any social arrangements or family visits? Does it all fall on the women?

Groom did ask Brother to be best man. He accepted. But they hadn’t heard anything else from Brother One confirming who was coming in his family and how many would be attending. Finally, the bride’s parents, who were giving the wedding and needed a head count, asked. And the bride-to-be called Brother One. Bride did it for her parents and for her Groom who was beinging to feel that Brother One might just fold. This, for us maybe not for you, was causing stress because if his Brother didn’t show the Groom would be deeply hurt. And there would be the matter of the Groom asking someone else to be his best man at a very late date.

All this was unnecessary stress. Get the invitation, send it back on the date it is due like a good guest should.

 

[dulcissima]

Groom did ask Brother to be best man. He accepted. But they hadn’t heard anything else from Brother One confirming who was coming in his family and how many would be attending. Finally, the bride’s parents, who were giving the wedding and needed a head count, asked. And the bride-to-be called Brother One. Bride did it for her parents and for her Groom who was beinging to feel that Brother One might just fold. This, for us maybe not for you, was causing stress because if his Brother didn’t show the Groom would be deeply hurt. And there would be the matter of the Groom asking someone else to be his best man at a very late date.

All this was unnecessary stress. Get the invitation, send it back on the date it is due like a good guest should.

The responsibility for this rests squarely with your son though.

It shouldn’t be something that you are holding against your daughter-in-law. Your son is an adult. It would be nice if your son’s wife encouraged him with all of this, but ultimately your son is the one that is responsible for his commitments to his family. You should go to him if you want to see him or see your grandchildren.

And with your other son, the groom, if he felt like his brother might be letting him down, then HE should have contacted his brother, not left it for his bride to handle.

 

[MercyMia]

Yes, meddling in-laws can be a bane on a marriage but that works both ways. You cannot bring grief on your parents or in-laws. You cannot use either as an emotional punching bag and then, if they try and defend themselves, yell that they are meddlesome and are interfering with your marriage. I have every right to defend myself but since I’ve learned it gets us no where, we’ve backed off for self-preservation.

Regarding that Catholic speaker…do you have sons? I too have heard the expression a daughter is a daughter all of your life but a son is a son until he takes a wife. Or “You mothers of sons, you just can’t let go of your boys.” LOL.
How about this one…HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER. You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to call your in-laws Mom and Dad. But for the love of God, and I mean that literally, treat them as you would want to be treated or as you treat your own parents.

The lie…I didn’t know she lied until her MOTHER told me. I didn’t have to catch her or try an manipulate her. Why would I do that?

Aicirt- I should have clarified about the speaker, he wasn’t just talking about sons leaving he also meant daughters leaving. As far as honor thy father and mother…yes I agree. But honor does not mean calling them x amount of times or even seeing them. It means not bad-mouthing them. Sometimes the best way you can honor someone is to keep your distance from them so you do not fall into arguments or harsh words. The way an adult child honors a mother and father is vastly different that the way a small child or teen is commanded to by God.

And as far as the lie…maybe you didn’t dig it up…but you are using it against her as evidenced by it being one of your points on here. Why not let it go? I am guilty of lying also. I do not know a single person who isn’t. Often, we lie when we are afraid or scared or overcompensating for something. Your daugher-in-law is a human being. Obviously, there is something good about her that your son sees in her and that is why he has chosen to make a life with her.
I think you really need to examine your heart and discover what it is about her that makes you jealous or insecure to the point that you are so upset. As others have said, life is a wheel and if she is setting herself up for dissapointment later, so be it. But in the mean time, it is not your job to be judge, jury and executionor. Like others have said. if your son wants to have a relationship with you, he is a grown man and he is able. As far as your grandkids, don’t put stress in their life. Send loving and thoughtfilled notes to them.
Pray for her and speak only positive things about her…you will be surprised what attitude can do for your own peace of mind. Think back to the conversations you have had about her to people…what is the trend? Do you say kind things…or is just complaints? You don’t have to tell us…just look inside yourself and be honest. She is different than you, she may not handle situations the way you would (such as cards, and fruit baskets). Maybe that upsets you because it means your son married a woman who is nothing like you. Maybe a part of your ego does not like that because you are insecure about your own traits. Maybe you feel challenged.
I speak as someone whose MIL simply could not let go of her son. She treated me horribly and cruelly, blaming me for him not being a little kid anymore basically. Her own husband is totally in a fog and doesn’t see how disordered the situation is. Thankfully, other family members have caught on to her distortion campaigns.
How do I honor her? By keeping my distance. That is also how I honor my marriage. When people ask me about my MIL, I never say anything bad (why upset myself) I just oh, MIL, she’s a wonderful cook. I point out something that I like about her and focus on that to share instead of getting into a discussion on what a beast she is.

I am not trying to be harsh with you, but like I said, I have been on the other side. Also, you have the advantage of being older and wiser. If she and your son got married when she was young, she was and is still learning how to be a wife, mother and daughter. And here you are to watch her every stumble. You were already a mature woman who was settled in life when she came around, so did not watch your fallings.

 

[aicirt]

*If this were to happen to my husband and me someday, I’d be equally angry with our son or daughter for marrying someone like this. People get what they accept. If your son isn’t okay with this, why does he accept it? This has little to do with you, and your husband–more to do with why your son is in such a dysfunctional relationship. That is probably why you are so sad/upset/disappointed. Every parent wishes their kids to be in healthy, functioning relationships. They don’t foresee having strife in their relationships with their inlaws. So, to me, I would try my best to not view this as about you and your family, it’s more about why your son tolerates his wife treating his family like this. *

Why does he accept it? Four kids.

I really hate what has happened but we are 18 yrs. older now too and things in our lives have changed. Health problems have come about, caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s, trying to keep our daily lives free of stress is now of primary importance. We tried.

 

[whatevergirl]

Why does he accept it? Four kids.

I really hate what has happened but we are 18 yrs. older now too and things in our lives have changed. Health problems have come about, caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s, trying to keep our daily lives free of stress is now of primary importance. We tried.

I wish we had a magic wand, right?..but I can offer you my prayers. I think that your feelings are normal. It hurts. I will pray things get better. I would have to think it takes a lot of negative energy on your DIL’s part to be like she is. But, remember…when people hurt others, they are hurting inside, themselves. I pray too that your son talks her into getting some counseling. It’s not healthy for their kids to grow up seeing this type of family dynamic. Take care. :console:

 

[kage_ar]

If I tried to keep my husband from having a relationship with his parents, he would go see them anyway. Same if my husband tried to keep me from my parents - I love my parents and will have a relationship with them.

 

[aicirt]

Aicirt- I should have clarified about the speaker, he wasn’t just talking about sons leaving he also meant daughters leaving. As far as honor thy father and mother…yes I agree. But honor does not mean calling them x amount of times or even seeing them. It means not bad-mouthing them. Sometimes the best way you can honor someone is to keep your distance from them so you do not fall into arguments or harsh words. The way an adult child honors a mother and father is vastly different that the way a small child or teen is commanded to by God.

And as far as the lie…maybe you didn’t dig it up…but you are using it against her as evidenced by it being one of your points on here. Why not let it go? I am guilty of lying also. I do not know a single person who isn’t. Often, we lie when we are afraid or scared or overcompensating for something. Your daugher-in-law is a human being. Obviously, there is something good about her that your son sees in her and that is why he has chosen to make a life with her.
I think you really need to examine your heart and discover what it is about her that makes you jealous or insecure to the point that you are so upset. As others have said, life is a wheel and if she is setting herself up for dissapointment later, so be it. But in the mean time, it is not your job to be judge, jury and executionor. Like others have said. if your son wants to have a relationship with you, he is a grown man and he is able. As far as your grandkids, don’t put stress in their life. Send loving and thoughtfilled notes to them.
Pray for her and speak only positive things about her…you will be surprised what attitude can do for your own peace of mind. Think back to the conversations you have had about her to people…what is the trend? Do you say kind things…or is just complaints? You don’t have to tell us…just look inside yourself and be honest. She is different than you, she may not handle situations the way you would (such as cards, and fruit baskets). Maybe that upsets you because it means your son married a woman who is nothing like you. Maybe a part of your ego does not like that because you are insecure about your own traits. Maybe you feel challenged.
I speak as someone whose MIL simply could not let go of her son. She treated me horribly and cruelly, blaming me for him not being a little kid anymore basically. Her own husband is totally in a fog and doesn’t see how disordered the situation is. Thankfully, other family members have caught on to her distortion campaigns.
How do I honor her? By keeping my distance. That is also how I honor my marriage. When people ask me about my MIL, I never say anything bad (why upset myself) I just oh, MIL, she’s a wonderful cook. I point out something that I like about her and focus on that to share instead of getting into a discussion on what a beast she is.

I am not trying to be harsh with you, but like I said, I have been on the other side. Also, you have the advantage of being older and wiser. If she and your son got married when she was young, she was and is still learning how to be a wife, mother and daughter. And here you are to watch her every stumble. You were already a mature woman who was settled in life when she came around, so did not watch your fallings.

Yes, we have kept our distance so we don’t engage in harsh words. I wouldn’t call it honoring. I’d call it self-preservation. The example of the lie was given as an indication of the personality involved. Her Mother was telling me she was a liar. This was a VERY telling proclamation coming from her Mom. Her mother was upset and rightly so. And her sister was aghast. Should I not have said anything about being jealous of her own baby?

I was shocked. This is the girl my son was to marry. If I hadn’t brought it up, how would you know what I was talking about??? I take lying very seriously. It is not something I tolerated from my sons.

The girl is now in her 40s and hasn’t changed.

Send cards and gifts to the kids? Been there, done that. Don’t expect a formal thank you but we would like a call to know if the gifts got there. Didn’t get that either. After years of sending stuff, we stopped.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my problem. However, if you think little notes and focusing on the positive would be successful, have you considered doing with your MIL?

We don’t see the kids. We don’t cause stress. We’re not there.

 

[SarahR]

How do you think this daughter-in-law would describe you?

 

[aicirt]

I wish we had a magic wand, right?..but I can offer you my prayers. I think that your feelings are normal. It hurts. I will pray things get better. I would have to think it takes a lot of negative energy on your DIL’s part to be like she is. But, remember…when people hurt others, they are hurting inside, themselves. I pray too that your son talks her into getting some counseling. It’s not healthy for their kids to grow up seeing this type of family dynamic. Take care. :console:

A friend was telling me about something she heard re. judgement when you die. Said that you are made to feel the pain you caused others. That’s why an examination of conscience is so important to ask forgiveness for trangressions now rather than undergo that later. I just wish they’d see themselves. The biggest hurt is seeing my husband hurt. He’d be a great grandfather. Hopefully, our other son will have a baby or two. :dancing:

 

[aicirt]

How do you think this daughter-in-law would describe you?

She would describe me negatively…you were expecting she’d be positive?

 

[leonie]

I’m trying to figure out your motivation in posting the thread. If you just want confirmation that your dil is a horrible person, I think it’s a wrong motivation.

If you try to assume the best of her, then make excuses for her.

Things that might make it hard for her to be closer to you:

Maybe…

*Her own mother is very critical and unkind, so she doesn’t know how to relate to a mother figure.

Their finances are tight and travelling is hard for her.

She is very involved in her children’s lives and her own family, and inlaw relationships are on a back burner. Maybe she just doesn’t have a lot of energy.

Her husband hasn’t made it a priority to be close to his family, and she takes her cues from him.

She has postpartum depression, and she can’t entertain after giving birth to a baby.

Perhaps, you have inadvertently made her feel uncomfortable, so she avoids you.

She’s just really tired from being a mom and wife, and her world in her community is all she can handle. *

Maybe you could just pray for her. Assume the best, not the worse.

God bless.