What is wrong with me!

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Still_Hoping

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Hi,

Some of you may know me a little. I posted prayer intentions for me and my family. I feel like I am losing a battle that I have been fighting for so long. I married a man who is a wonderful person but we don’t fit; not from my perspective anyway. There were red flags everywhere. I knew this was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. He made me believe he was a sincere christian catholic. He was neither. I struggled because everyone was in awe of him and I was left feeling something wrong. I wanted to leave but he kept coming back and like a fool I fell for it. He was controlling but very giving too. It is crazy. I still can’t make sense of it; how I was fooled. We got married because I got pregnant. I thought this would solidify our relationship. It got worse. I did everything he wanted; gave up everything to be with him and his family. I was deceived.
I was put down, shouted at and verbally abused. After we left to move into our own apartment, the abuse started to get worse. He began to use physical force on me. Shortly after that I got pregnant again, thinking it would make things better. It worsened my situation. There was so much hate against me that he believed the false rumors and treated me like dirt. This went on for years. Yes, I did call the cops several times and yes I filed a complaint. This was the best thing I did. He knew I wasn’t joking. However it was traumatic for my kids.
It has been many years now that he hasn’t hurt me physically or got into a fight. However, I am left with a deep hole in my heart. My eldest is having problems which I attribute to her upbringing. I tried to make it peaceful, and avoided fights or surrendered or left to get some air, all that stuff. I think it hurt her anyway.
I am fighting feelings of guilt for not leaving him when I should of. Could I have prevented this for my child? I love my family and we are doing ok under the ‘circumstance’, but there is an underlying hurt I can’t get rid of. I will forget and then bang, I get those memories and I fight to suppress them and deal with the now. I thought I forgave but my heart is broken. I thought I have faith but Jesus hasn’t taken it away from me. Maybe it is me that is wrong. Why do I fight these feelings? They send me into a depression that I fight to get over. I usually do but it comes back; the memories. He does things that upset me especially when it comes to our faith. He is so detached and in his own things. He makes up stuff like it isn’t necessary to go to confession as long as you are right with God. There are other minor stuff but that bothers me because the children do the same. It doesn’t matter if they go to church or not. Anyway, I have a hard time feeling connected with him. At times it is good but I tend to detach.
Please don’t say to go to counselling because he won’t. I bare the memories and he was never sorry nor does he even express remorse. He said at first that he was provoked and now he says he never touched me. I swallow my pride and humble myself to God. That is what gets me through; and the love of my family.
Am I crazy to feel like this?
 
There is nothing wrong with you,we all make life choices,sometimes we allow others to make those choices for us to our own detriment ,sometimes we’re to naive to make the right choices , ,we make wrong life choices with our eyes wide open,
Like I said,there is nothing wrong with you,it’s what makes us human,
What I think you need to do, is find interest outside of Marraige &. Home
Like perhaps scrap booking , or perhaps Boy Scouts or girl guides,
Something that gives you new life,new interest,easier said than done I know,
But there must be something that you have an interest in,I do astronomy,
You need to do this,to help you …

Take Care, 🙂
 
Even if he won’t go to counseling, you can go, and/or your daughter can go.

If your husband has blamed you for the abuse, or denied it happened, or failed to express remorse, I would still very strongly suggest you to consider leaving. That is not a safe situation for you or your children, no matter how long ago the (physical) abuse occurred. But a good counselor could help you assess how safe your home is.

Praying for you.
 
Firstly, stay strong. Even Mother Teresa had her doubts. If he has abused you seek counseling for yourself. They will guide you, don’t worry about changing him. If you feel that he is leading your children astray you need to show them otherwise and follow St. Monica’s lead. Somethings do not change overnight.
 
I have lived almost the same experience as you. The only difference is that I left my husband. I don’t say that to recommend it however. God had the wheel when I left my husband and he guided my every step. He must have because I was able to get custody of my kids, in my home state and was able to secure an amazing job after years of not working. It was slow and very painful. From beginning to end it took two years. I worked very to stay under my ex’s radar, and I don’t think he thought I could do it and he thought I would come back like all the times before. But that is my story and I know God carried my through that valley of pain.
I hope you will consider counseling for you and your children at some point. I put all my effort into my kids for about a year and a half and they are in a good place. I think you should encourage your kids to be involved in things that make them have to make decisions or perform in public. Things like sports, or student government, or the arts like dancing.I feel it gives them courage to speak up when they need to and learn how to make a strong choice in a tough situation. It gives them confidence and something to be proud of also. It is working for my kids.
You should try if you can to do the same for yourself. Even if it is inside your marriage. Find something you love, paid or not, and do that. Someone suggested scouting. That is great but don’t make everything you do revolve around your kids. They need to have things of their own. I think this prevents enmeshed personalities and porous boundaries. That might have been one of your problems. I know for me it was. I did not gave a strong self concept and like you my husband came back many times after I broke up with him. I couldn’t make my no mean no. His desires, wants and needs always came above mine. He told me who I was. God is the only one who can tell you who you are and what you were made for. In a way my ex became my god, he ruled my life and told me my worth. Which in his eyes turned out to be nothing. Not true of course but I believed the lies for a very long time. Maybe you can gently educate your kids to the truth that God loves them. and they have infinite value. Then some good can come from your pain.
I missed my own red flags and miss misunderstood persistence as love. As the book the Gift of Fear says, it’s just persistence, not love. But I wanted it to be loved even when I saw the red flags and broke up with him.
I will pray for you that you find the correct way through this. I don’t advise you of what to do about the marriage because these men can be volatile. I still have concerns about our safety but it has lessened over time. However it is a reason that I have not attempted an annulment nor will I. Don’t antagonize the wild animal in the cage.
Pray hard, and often for God to lead you. Be very attentive to any promptings of the Holy Spirit as to what to do.
After my separation, and about a year and a half of rebuilding my life I saw this quote. I have it in a place where I can see it every morning when I wake up. It is true.
And the Lord has led me to an open space and he has given me this salvation because He loved me.
Peace and love to you from me.
 
You have gotten some good advice so I only have one thing to add: You made the best decision you could at the time. We can’t make things perfect for our children all on our own; they have their crosses to bear just as we adullts do. Pray for your children and your husband, and if you can talk to a good priest, do so. Pray to Mary and the saints and ask for their help with your prayers.
 
I have gone through a similar struggle. I left my husband and our divorce is 1 year in and still not finalized. Every situation is different but nothing is wrong with you. God will lead you down the right path. I will pray for you.
 
Still_Hoping said:
Hi,

Some of you may know me a little. I posted prayer intentions for me and my family. I feel like I am losing a battle that I have been fighting for so long. I married a man who is a wonderful person but we don’t fit; not from my perspective anyway. There were red flags everywhere. I knew this was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. He made me believe he was a sincere christian catholic. He was neither. I struggled because everyone was in awe of him and I was left feeling something wrong. I wanted to leave but he kept coming back and like a fool I fell for it. He was controlling but very giving too. It is crazy. I still can’t make sense of it; how I was fooled. We got married because I got pregnant. I thought this would solidify our relationship. It got worse. I did everything he wanted; gave up everything to be with him and his family. I was deceived.
I was put down, shouted at and verbally abused. After we left to move into our own apartment, the abuse started to get worse. He began to use physical force on me. Shortly after that I got pregnant again, thinking it would make things better. It worsened my situation. There was so much hate against me that he believed the false rumors and treated me like dirt. This went on for years. Yes, I did call the cops several times and yes I filed a complaint. This was the best thing I did. He knew I wasn’t joking. However it was traumatic for my kids.
It has been many years now that he hasn’t hurt me physically or got into a fight. However, I am left with a deep hole in my heart. My eldest is having problems which I attribute to her upbringing. I tried to make it peaceful, and avoided fights or surrendered or left to get some air, all that stuff. I think it hurt her anyway.
I am fighting feelings of guilt for not leaving him when I should of. Could I have prevented this for my child? I love my family and we are doing ok under the ‘circumstance’, but there is an underlying hurt I can’t get rid of. I will forget and then bang, I get those memories and I fight to suppress them and deal with the now. I thought I forgave but my heart is broken. I thought I have faith but Jesus hasn’t taken it away from me. Maybe it is me that is wrong. Why do I fight these feelings? They send me into a depression that I fight to get over. I usually do but it comes back; the memories. He does things that upset me especially when it comes to our faith. He is so detached and in his own things. He makes up stuff like it isn’t necessary to go to confession as long as you are right with God. There are other minor stuff but that bothers me because the children do the same. It doesn’t matter if they go to church or not. Anyway, I have a hard time feeling connected with him. At times it is good but I tend to detach.
Please don’t say to go to counselling because he won’t. I bare the memories and he was never sorry nor does he even express remorse. He said at first that he was provoked and now he says he never touched me. I swallow my pride and humble myself to God. That is what gets me through; and the love of my family.
Am I crazy to feel like this?
Click to expand...
You are not crazy, but you could benefit from some professional counseling; call your local Catholic Charities to see if they can recommend a Catholic one.
 
pensmama87 said:
Even if he won’t go to counseling, you can go, and/or your daughter can go.

If your husband has blamed you for the abuse, or denied it happened, or failed to express remorse, I would still very strongly suggest you to consider leaving. That is not a safe situation for you or your children, no matter how long ago the (physical) abuse occurred. But a good counselor could help you assess how safe your home is.

Praying for you.
Click to expand...
Yes. If he denies it ever happened and insists that he was provoked, what is to prevent him from doing it again?

Plus, your children are presumably living in fear that if they step out of line, daddy is going to hurt them. He doesn’t need to be currently physically harming them for that to be true.
 
Put your children first. If he is abusing you in front of them, they are being abused too. They don’t need or deserve this kind of environment to live in. That you were pregnant prior to marriage, and you got married because of it, is enough to say that this was not a valid marriage. You were married under circumstances of duress.

If he won’t stop abusing you, and his family continues to be like him, is enough to get out. It is not about pride. It is about being safe and your children being safe. Get out of this relationship before someone gets hurt.

And use your experience about those “red flags” to share with others to warn them of what to look for before they make the same mistake. It just baffles me no end how so many women see the signs and go ahead and marry anyway. If there are red flags they need to be “listened too.”
 
Cricket2 said:
Put your children first. If he is abusing you in front of them, they are being abused too. They don’t need or deserve this kind of environment to live in. That you were pregnant prior to marriage, and you got married because of it, is enough to say that this was not a valid marriage. You were married under circumstances of duress.

If he won’t stop abusing you, and his family continues to be like him, is enough to get out. It is not about pride. It is about being safe and your children being safe. Get out of this relationship before someone gets hurt.

And use your experience about those “red flags” to share with others to warn them of what to look for before they make the same mistake. It just baffles me no end how so many women see the signs and go ahead and marry anyway. If there are red flags they need to be “listened too.”
Click to expand...
First, I have two children, my younger is normal to say the least. My eldest has learning disabilities and was diagnosed with ADHD. The behavior she displays are symptomatic of her condition. My point is that my younger child is ok yet the older bares scars like me. Second, I don’t think that I can apply for an annulment due to the fact that we(my husband and I) were interviewed prior to the marriage. The Church didn’t want us to marry on account of this. We had to go through three Churches before a priest accepted to marry us. Eight months later, I visited the priest with my baby. I went to learn about the bible and to ask questions. He looked at me and understood my real motive. I began to cry and he consoled me. He blessed me and told me to continue pursuing my studies and to be strong. Thirdly, woman like me get into these situations because we are insecure. We believe the lie and not the truth. We do so because somewhere in our minds we believe we are not fit or we have been told since our youth that we are no good. I was anyway, and because everyone was in awe of him, I assumed that it was me who was the problem. It wasn’t until recent years that I learned that I am worthy to be loved as Jesus loves His Church. I knew this all along but didn’t believe it was for me until now.

I put God first in all things. My children and family are a priority. I am enrolled in a graduate program at a University. I am making strides; I feel the LORD helping me and my family. I have more influence on my children and husband if we remain married. If I divorce the children(teenagers now) will rebel and side with their father. He is good to us, and I must respect this. He loves me much and has sacrificed much too. Yes, we don’t always agree on things, even important matters such as doctrines of the Church. However, he is willing to listen and I must make myself heard in a gentle way. The LORD has asked me to do this. This is why I didn’t leave him and for other reasons too.

You see, my dilemma is not whether I should leave him but why do I contradict what the LORD has asked me to do? This is my cross. I am learning to love again but the enemy hurts me and I feel weak again; where I am making progress and see the fruit of it in myself and those around me, the devil wants to take it away. He is the one who badgers me with these thoughts that bring me down. How can I tell this to a counselor? How does the world understand this but you who are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I need your prayers and support. Thank you and God Bless.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes. If he denies it ever happened and insists that he was provoked, what is to prevent him from doing it again?

Plus, your children are presumably living in fear that if they step out of line, daddy is going to hurt them. He doesn’t need to be currently physically harming them for that to be true.
Click to expand...
There may be truth to this, at least for my eldest. However, I must advise that my eldest rebelled and did some hateful things. He reacted most times with patience (more than I had) and seldom did he ever hit her. But there were three isolated instances where he did hurt her. I stopped him. I hate this. They both need help yet they both refuse. Outside of the house, they are in more control of their emotions. All I can say is that the LORD will reveal in time what they have done and must do. I can only trust in Jesus and follow him with a conscious mind to what is happening. I am not blind.

The real problem here is not whether my husband is violent or not, it is whether he is consistent with me and the children when it comes to faith, belief, and practices and rules.

My eldest has known for years how to get to me because of what she saw. Now I am detaching myself from her to let her know that she doesn’t have any strings attached to me. I can only offer her my consolation, guidance and help. Before, I was so engrossed with taking care of her that it blinded me to everything else.

Pray for us. Pray for her and my husband. It should be noted that my children do pray and that my eldest has her rosary on her nightstand beside her. She believes.
 
timeless4 said:
I have lived almost the same experience as you. The only difference is that I left my husband. I don’t say that to recommend it however. God had the wheel when I left my husband and he guided my every step. He must have because I was able to get custody of my kids, in my home state and was able to secure an amazing job after years of not working. It was slow and very painful. From beginning to end it took two years. I worked very to stay under my ex’s radar, and I don’t think he thought I could do it and he thought I would come back like all the times before. But that is my story and I know God carried my through that valley of pain.
I hope you will consider counseling for you and your children at some point. I put all my effort into my kids for about a year and a half and they are in a good place. I think you should encourage your kids to be involved in things that make them have to make decisions or perform in public. Things like sports, or student government, or the arts like dancing.I feel it gives them courage to speak up when they need to and learn how to make a strong choice in a tough situation. It gives them confidence and something to be proud of also. It is working for my kids.
You should try if you can to do the same for yourself. Even if it is inside your marriage. Find something you love, paid or not, and do that. Someone suggested scouting. That is great but don’t make everything you do revolve around your kids. They need to have things of their own. I think this prevents enmeshed personalities and porous boundaries. That might have been one of your problems. I know for me it was. I did not gave a strong self concept and like you my husband came back many times after I broke up with him. I couldn’t make my no mean no. His desires, wants and needs always came above mine. He told me who I was. God is the only one who can tell you who you are and what you were made for. In a way my ex became my god, he ruled my life and told me my worth. Which in his eyes turned out to be nothing. Not true of course but I believed the lies for a very long time. Maybe you can gently educate your kids to the truth that God loves them. and they have infinite value. Then some good can come from your pain.
I missed my own red flags and miss misunderstood persistence as love. As the book the Gift of Fear says, it’s just persistence, not love. But I wanted it to be loved even when I saw the red flags and broke up with him.
I will pray for you that you find the correct way through this. I don’t advise you of what to do about the marriage because these men can be volatile. I still have concerns about our safety but it has lessened over time. However it is a reason that I have not attempted an annulment nor will I. Don’t antagonize the wild animal in the cage.
Pray hard, and often for God to lead you. Be very attentive to any promptings of the Holy Spirit as to what to do.
After my separation, and about a year and a half of rebuilding my life I saw this quote. I have it in a place where I can see it every morning when I wake up. It is true.
And the Lord has led me to an open space and he has given me this salvation because He loved me.
Peace and love to you from me.
Click to expand...
Peace and love to you too. Thank you for sharing your story. This helps. I do feel the LORD helping me. This is my route until He says otherwise.
 
Thanks to my family on CAF for posting. To those whom I quoted, I hope you read my post and answer it.
 
Dear Still Hoping,
You need to leave this man. There are a number of resources out there that can help, but don’t leave a trail on your computer (delete your browser history). Once you leave, file for divorce. At the same time begin the proceedings for an annulment if possible. You have said that this man was deceitful about his faith, and that is a condition for the marriage to be invalid. So there is hope. You must take action now to protect yourself and your children and set yourself up for someone who will love you. This man does not love you and never has. You do not love him. What you feel is NOT love. It is sexual attraction and dependance, not love. If you truly believe in God, you need to see love the way he sees it. He didn’t put up with the money changers in the temple, did he? You don’t have to put up with people hurting you. It will be hard, but God will see you through. Pray and move your feet!
 
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