PM,
What kinds of things might be the root cause? It would help to get a guy’s point of view because from my vantage point, I’m way too emotional about this to reason this out on my own.
I missed my nursing clinical today because I am feeling SO LOW. I don’t want this filth intruding on my marriage. I don’t want it in my house. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me the way he promised to. Is a man who looks at porn more inclined to cheat “in real life”?
PM, thanks for your response. Maybe you can help shed a little more light for me.
Kittery
I can only speak from personal experience.
For me the root cause of indulging in porn and masturbation would certainly be lack of intimacy. I felt so lonely inside when my wife didn’t reciprocate my advances that after trying for a time I felt very neglected. That feelings stewed in me for a while and after a time, when temptation hit, it strengthened these feelings of loneliness and I sought pornography out as a release as well as a way to feel accepted.
Of course afterwards I felt really ****** and dirty and was almost literally running to confession.
So, once the lack of intimacy was addressed for me, it went better. And by addressed, it does not mean that we are having sex on a regular basis, not by any means. But we did sit down and discuss it. It took quite a few tries and a few nights, some nights the chat was very informal, other nights it was intense, but at least we spoke about it.
See, for me (and most guys) love is shown through physical intimacy (sex). Women get their intimacy from lots of things, massages, hugs, snuggles, flowers, etc, but for guys it’s mostly through sex. It’s the best way that I can show my wife I love her. Unfortunately the pron industry thrives on exactly this point, so the battle for a guy to remain pure is very hard.
But now I understand it. for us the real issue turned out to be NFP. I’m sorry all ya pro-NFP people, but it’s the truth. Broken down to it’s simplest form, here is the issue.
When using NFP to aviod conception, one cannot be intimate during the fertile cycle of the female, right? For us the days that are 100% safe are few and far between, my wife’s cycle is very weird.
Also, females are made that they are much more amorous when they are fertile, and very much not so when they are not fertile. So, every time my wife wanted to, we couldn’t since she was fertile. And every other time, when she was not fertile, it took extreme efforts from her part to actually get in the mood, and to reciprocate my advances. Throw a tough day for my wife into the mix and you will almost always see her turn me down. Once I understood that it was not my wife per se, but they way she felt as a result of timing, I understood the situation and the cause and I could get past the feelings of rejection and loneliness easier. I could reason it out in my mind. I could justify it and I was able to not blame my wife for the lack of intimacy, but more understand why.
As for your question about real life cheating, again, from personal experience, I would never cheat on my wife in real life if I could help it. I love my wife dearly and always will. Just because I’m not getting physical love from my wife, does not mean that I’m going to start chatting up a girl I meet on the street.
“Never say never” is true, but honestly, even after three years of very little sex, I have no desire to cheat on my wife. I love her.
No doubt you are feeling low, and I don’t blame you. It’s not pleasant to find this out about your husband. I really feel sorry for you and upset at your husband…just like I’m upset at myself every time I stumble.
I hope he turns to the Sacrament of Confession each time he stumbles.
I also understand that you don’t want that filth in your house. No one does. Your husband needs to change from the heart. He needs to understand that you love him dearly and he needs to understand the reasons that you can’t be intimate with him. If he really listens to you and hears you, he will understand that you love him very much. He needs to know that and he needs to know why you two are not being intimate.
He needs to step up and change again. He may be in a habit of turning to porn if he gets turned down, so he’ll need to break that though pattern quickly. It’s a very easy one to get stuck in, and that leads to addiction. That’s the danger. Have him IM me if he wants to, I’ve been there!
Try to get him sleeping in your bed again too.
I hope all my rambling made sense?
Please also understand that I’m not trying to defend your husband by any means, what he does is wrong, but hopefully my personal history could give you some insight and help in your life?
Let me know if I can help any more.
PM
