What it I have a miscarriage?

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Chauncey

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My husband and I are expecting our first child - I am about 3 weeks pregnant. When is the best time to tell others? We know that once we start telling people the news will spread fast. This is a good thing - but we don’t want to miscarry and have everyone and their brother calling us to congratulate us and have to tell them that we lost the baby.

How long did you wait to tell people that you were pregnant?
For those who waited a long time was it difficult to keep it a secret?
For those who told people early, and then miscarried, did you regret not waiting to tell people?

Thanks!
 
We’ve lost a couple so far and my motto is the earlier we tell them, the earlier they can start praying. Bad news also spreads fast. While you’d probably get one or two who might slip through the cracks, most probably just won’t know what to say to you if you were to lose the baby. To me, this was actually harder than the ones who just don’t know. Grief is a tough one for everyone involved. I always just tell people to say, “I’m very sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”
 
It all depends on you and your family. My wife wanted to tell her parents right away for support reasons. Since she wanted to do that I felt it was appropriate to do the same thing with my parents.

My wife works in the X-ray field so she HAD to tell her boss right away. Other then that we waited about a month to start telling close friends and the 3 month period to tell others.

We felt this was the best way, because you figure that if the worst happens and you have a miscarriage then only the close people know and they will also be the ones that find out right away that something went wrong. You don’t have to worry about people you only contact once and awhile opening up sore wounds.
 
I usually waited until about 10-12 weeks. About 33% of miscarriages occur in the first trimester. Of the three miscarriages I have had, the first two, I didn’t tell anyone before that I was pregnant. The last one I did tell people, right after I found out and then lost the baby. It was really hard for me when people would call and try to console me.
I now have two beautiful children, a 7 year old daughter and a 4 year old son.

Good luck!!
 
My husband and I have contemplated this very thing with both of my pregnancies. News does travel fast, but our thinking has always been: If no one knew we were pregnant and I miscarried, would we tell this person about the miscarriage? If the answer is yes, we fill them in on the good news. If we don’t know them well enough to tell them we had a miscarriage, we don’t tell them about the pregancy.

Thank the Lord above we’ve never had to go back and tell anyone any bad news. I will pray that you don’t have to either!

Congratulations! 👍
 
Are you 3 weeks pg counting from conception? I ask because I never have heard of anyone saying they are 3 weeks pg. Usually you hear 5 weeks or 6 weeks. You should count the weeks since your last period and thats how you get the weeks… Anyways, I am 13 weeks, 4 days pg and I found out on August 31 by taking a HPT. I was soooo shocked because this wasn’t a planned pregnancy, (I’m 38 and dh is 46), that I waited until Friday, Sept 3 to tell dh. I figured he would need the weekend to rest his mind on this one. We told the rest of the family on Saturday Sept 4. I knew that I had the possibility of miscarriage because of my age, but I couldn’t hold it in and as I am getting out of my first trimester this week, I know there is no way I could have possibly kept it a secret this long. My clothes don’t fit anymore. LOL!!!
 
We had a miscarriage with one of our children. Oddly enough, with our first two children we waited about three months before telling everyone.

When my wife became pregnant with our third child we started to tell everyone within a month after finding out that we were having a baby. This is the baby we lost through mis-carriage (at about two months).

I think letting everyone know actually helped us heal quicker. I can’t say how we would have handled the news had she mis-carried before informing others, but I think the support we got from everyone after we lost the baby helped us tremendously whereas had we not told anyone, we may not have had the support because too few people would have known.
 
Lots of good answers. What impresses me about your post is that you are willing to mention the possibility of miscarriage. Most people assume everything will be OK and don’t want to talk about other possibilities. We have to remember God knows the big picture. Because you asked the question, that makes me think you’ll see God’s will in whatever happens. I could be reading too much into it 🙂 —KCT
 
I miscarried my first at about 14 weeks… When I became pregnant again I waited till I was at least 4 months pregnant.
So devastating was the loss that to this day I still grieve for that unborn child…40 years next month.
 
We always told our families right away. We felt that the new life should be celebrated, however long or however briefly he or she was with us. And if we were to lose a baby, atleast we would not have to try to hide our grief from the people closest to us (apart from each other, of course). That said, I know some people wait until after the first trimester to avoid any awkwardness if there is a loss. It’s really a very personal decision and I don’t think one or the other is any “better”. Perhaps you could compromise and only tell those closest to you and ask them to keep the news to themselves until the second trimester starts? Maybe even have a little “surprise! I’m pregnant!” party or coffee for your friends? 🙂

God bless you & your littlest one.
 
Chauncey

Congratulations. We are in the same boat. We just found out my wife is pregnant. It is our first child. She is five weeks along. We were so excited that we have told the whole world. We are just hoping for the best. If she miscarries, we will be heartbroken, but we will deal with it.
 
We told family an hour or so after we found out i was pregnant, but i was 17 weeks gone:bigyikes: .
 
I never had any choice but to tell family and friends right away. Morning sickness struck me so severely that people noticed I was unwell and wanted (naturally) to know why.
I did have one miscarriage at about ten weeks. In that case, even if we hadn't told people I was pregnant, we would have had to tell them about the miscarriage. I hemorraged badly, was hospitalized, and seriously weakened for weeks. But we had good news again three months later. Pregnant again! (He's almost two, now :) )
 
I waited until 15 weeks for both my children just to be safe. Of course, I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was 10 weeks and 12 weeks along.
 
Thank you so much to every one who replied! You are right puppy love - I am six weeks pregnant - but we conceived four weeks ago (on the feast day of the St. Michael,St. Raphael, and St. Gabriel)

You are right KCT, my husband and I will try and see God’s will in whatever happens. We know that God loves us and that if we miscarry- we will have an opportunity to rely on His grace even more.

My husband and I have decided to hold off from telling people for as long as we can. We are going to try and wait until Thanksgiving or Christmas to tell people. It seems like a perfect time to tell people. And we may be able to save money on Christmas gifts ("Your Christmas gift was homemade - yeah!! It’s a baby!)

Thank you for all of your own personal stories. I know that I will be able to rely on you all, throughout this pregnancy - for your prayers, advice, and unending wisdom.

Now does anyone have any creative stories for how they told people they were expecting?
 
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puppylove:
I was soooo shocked because this wasn’t a planned pregnancy, (I’m 38 and dh is 46), that I waited until Friday, Sept 3 to tell dh. I figured he would need the weekend to rest his mind on this one. We told the rest of the family on Saturday Sept 4. I knew that I had the possibility of miscarriage because of my age, but I couldn’t hold it in and as I am getting out of my first trimester this week, I know there is no way I could have possibly kept it a secret this long. My clothes don’t fit anymore. LOL!!!
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Congratulations on such an unexpected blessing! May it ease your mind to know that my mama became pregnant with her one and only child at age 38 and gave birth at 39 – back in the early 60’s that was quite “old” to be starting out but she had an easy pregnancy & delivery.

I had two of my three children with that horrid “advanced maternal age” stamped on my medical records – don’t let it bother you – and don’t let them make you take the AFP test – its results are inconclusive after age 35 and they will worry you needlessly… just have faith that God will take care of you and your baby 😃
 
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Annunciata:
I miscarried my first at about 14 weeks… When I became pregnant again I waited till I was at least 4 months pregnant.
So devastating was the loss that to this day I still grieve for that unborn child…40 years next month.
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I also miscarried when we were trying to conceive our second child. My DH was on a biz trip & I drove myself to the doctor’s office & was subsequently admitted to the hospital. Thank God for my DS’ wonderful godmother – she came & stayed in the hospital with me until DH could fly home.

I also still grieve for my unborn child - something that many who have not experienced miscarriage do not understand. It’s as if they want to minimize the experience and pretend it was never really a baby. To me it certainly is and was a baby but as our priest has said, “your little one is with God in heaven - he must have needed another little angel up there”
 
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mamax3:
May it ease your mind to know that my mama became pregnant with her one and only child at age 38 and gave birth at 39 – back in the early 60’s that was quite “old” to be starting out but she had an easy pregnancy & delivery.

I had two of my three children with that horrid “advanced maternal age” stamped on my medical records – don’t let it bother you – and don’t let them make you take the AFP test – its results are inconclusive after age 35 and they will worry you needlessly… just have faith that God will take care of you and your baby 😃
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THANKS MAMAX3: You have defintely eased my mind about being 38 and pg. I have decided to pass on all the test for genetic abnormalities. I told my OB that I would only take test that would better prepare him for me and my babies care and delivery. I pray that God gives me the strength necessary during this pregnancy. I’m having a pretty rough day today…you know those hormones…
 
Congratulations, Chauncey! Hope you’re feeling well.

I’m 8 months pregnant with our first child, and initially, I was adamant about not telling anyone at all until after the first trimester. I was worried that something could go wrong, and also I wanted that first “knowing” to be something special between my husband and me. Then it occurred to me that if I did miscarry, I might really appreciate the support and prayers…and it dawned on me that my husband might also appreciate the support and prayers, as well! (Gee, I guess it’s not all about me after all…:o )

A friend of mine had also spoken (without knowing I was pregnant) about wanting to “celebrate the life, and the gift” of the unborn child who does not reach birth…that resonated with me, too.

Still, we had stuck to our original agreement to wait 'til 12 weeks, thinking that I was only about 9 weeks along. An ultrasound revealed that I was 13 weeks, and all of a sudden we could hardly wait to break the news! (I did wait til I was beginning to show before sharing at work, however…more because I wanted to maintain my privacy than anything else.)

As for your “creative ways to tell people” question, why don’t you start a new thread & I’ll be happy to share all of my delightfully charming & creative ideas first, & then share the actual real-life ways the news leaked out! 😃

StephanieC
 
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Chauncey:
My husband and I are expecting our first child - I am about 3 weeks pregnant. When is the best time to tell others? We know that once we start telling people the news will spread fast. This is a good thing - but we don’t want to miscarry and have everyone and their brother calling us to congratulate us and have to tell them that we lost the baby.

How long did you wait to tell people that you were pregnant?
For those who waited a long time was it difficult to keep it a secret?
For those who told people early, and then miscarried, did you regret not waiting to tell people?

Thanks!
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The first time I got pregnant I called my family right away. Then I miscarried. In retrospect I’m glad that I told them. There’s only one first time to tell people that you’re pregnant. It’s so exciting!! Even if I hadn’t told them, telling them the next time just wouldn’t have been the same having had a miscarriage. If I had it to do over again I’d tell right away.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
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