What kind of a marriage was this?

[jmjZelie]

As of this Easter, I will have been a confirmed Catholic for 6 years, but I have had lingering questions about something from my conversion that I hope some more mature Catholics, or maybe even one of the priests here at CAF can help me understand.

During my conversion, it was discovered that I had been baptized as a baby in the Catholic Church. I had never been raised in the Faith for reasons that are not relevant here, and I had never been informed that I was actually a Catholic until I wanted to convert. And I had been given a believers baptism later, at the age of 7, after begging my Baptist pastor not to make me wait like he preferred.

I had secretly eloped with my husband, who had been baptized in a believers baptism at the age of 13. A justice of the peace officiated for us in a private legal ceremony in the courthouse.

Years later, when our families finally accepted that we were married (we informed them after the fact) they wanted to have a church wedding and reception. So we went along for their benefit. The pastor saw our legal marriage license from years prior and agreed to perform a religious ceremony without revealing to all the extended family that we had eloped, for he sake of our parents.

Coming into the Church, we were informed that due to my baptism into the Catholic Chyrch as an infant, I was bound by the marriage laws of the Church, and we had to have our marriage convalidated. We were informed that despite our good intentions, we were not actually married. So we happily complied with all the instructions to have our marriage validated in the Church. And after the convalidation, I can certainly say that a definite change occurred in our marriage after it was convalidated and we were admitted to the sacraments.

But how do I understand what we were before? Were we objectively fornicating? The priest said we were not subjectively guilty of sin, since we were ignorant of the objective reality of the situation. But what WAS the situation?

How many years can I actually say I have been married? Counting from the elopement? Or counting from the convalidation? Certainly not counting from the sham church wedding, even though that is the one that most people in the family know about.

It is just so bizarre, and our pastor is now on the opposite side of the continent, because he was moved right after Easter that year and then we moved away as well. So I cannot ask him. But I can see a clear difference in our marriage NOW, and can see the effects of a sacramental marriage. But what kind of a marriage was it before? Merely legal? Or did God honor our intentions then, and bind us in marriage at elopement? It was a space of over a decade and we had already started our family between the elopement and our convalidation.

I still find these things very confusing. Thoughts?

 

[1ke]

I think the answer to the question “what were we” has already been answered, you were acting in good faith. I don’t know why you feel the need to categorize it.

The Church would recognized your marriage from the point at which you exchanged consent in the Church.

You are free to count years together in any way you see fit as a couple.

 

[jmjZelie]

I think the answer to the question “what were we” has already been answered, you were acting in good faith. I don’t know why you feel the need to categorize it.

The Church would recognized your marriage from the point at which you exchanged consent in the Church.

You are free to count years together in any way you see fit as a couple.

I feel the need to categorize it for two reasons. First, because I overanalyze everything. Second, because there is an obvious difference in our marriage since we were admitted to the sacraments.

Thanks for your answer. Our pastor at the time said that we had not subjectively sinned, but he was very clear that we were NOT married and that this must be rectified immediately. At that point, if we had separated prior to convalidation, our marriage would have been invalid and both of us would have been free to marry someone else in the Church. Of course, neither of us saw that as an option, but I did tease my once-again-husband-to-be that once we get convalidated, he would really be stuck with me.

I want to see things the way the Church sees things, but that makes things a bit weird to think that we were actually not married all those years when we thought we were (and I mean in the “before God” sense, not merely legal, because we were raised and met in a Christian denominational church).

 

[Wesrock]

I was baptized into the CC as an infant. My wide was Baptist. We married outside the Church without dispensation, and lived like that for three years. During my wife’s conversion to Catholicism we realized the issue and had our msrriage convalidated.

I still conventionally consider us married since the first wedding when talking to people and counting anniversaries. I’m sure there are those who will say I’m wrong, and even I know this is not the right way to consider it, but in some sense I think of it as being married, but disordered, with the convalidation righting it. We were not desiring to live in sin, and perhaps there was nor mortal wrongdoing, but it wasn’t properly ordered.

The particulars don’t cause me to worry, though. It is what it is and was what it was… the important thing is that it’s all righted now.

 

[jmjZelie]

I was baptized into the CC as an infant. My wide was Baptist. We married outside the Church without dispensation, and lived like that for three years. During my wife’s conversion to Catholicism we realized the issue and had our msrriage convalidated.

I still conventionally consider us married since the first wedding when talking to people and counting anniversaries. I’m sure there are those who will say I’m wrong, and even I know this is not the right way to consider it, but in some sense I think of it as being married, but disordered, with the convalidation righting it. We were not desiring to live in sin, and perhaps there was nor mortal wrongdoing, but it wasn’t properly ordered.

The particulars don’t cause me to worry, though. It is what it is and was what it was… the important thing is that it’s all righted now.

Okay. Thanks for your perspective. That helps!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, the fault is with whoever had you baptized as an infant, and then failed to tell you that, and then failed to raise you in the Catholic faith. Those person(s) are, objectively speaking, guilty of very grave sin. I hope, for their sake, that they have since repented.

 

[Tomdstone]

But how do I understand what we were before?.. But what WAS the situation?.. Thoughts?

I am not an expert on this but my guess is that you were married before, but not married Sacramentally according to the rules of the Roman Catholic Church. Your previous marriage was a civil marriage, and your present marriage is a Sacramental marriage recognized by the Roman Catholic Church.