What level of "despair"/frustration is normal for 7 yo?

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I have a delightful 7 yo son, my eldest. He is very spirited, for lack of a better word. He’s intense in his emotions and always has been, even as a baby, and is very sensitive to others’ feelings. His performance is about average in his school subjects but he is very precocious when it comes to understanding or pondering abstract concepts, particularly philosophical or religious ones.

Along with his intensity, he is a perfectionist. When he makes a mistake in school or doesn’t perform well in a sport, he takes it very personally and “flips out”. He screams, cries, yells, and says things like, “I’M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING!” or “EVERYTHING I TRY DOESN’T WORK!” or “WHENEVER I TRY TO DO SOMETHING, I RUIN IT!” Yesterday he was fighting with his little brother-- I don’t even remember over what. It seemed like a normal sibling rivalry thing to me. My 7 yo was complaining that his brother always gets his way and is treated better. This quickly progressed to complaining about how hot it was at the park, to complaining about how he isn’t good at sports, to complaining about how when he went over to his friend’s house yesterday morning, all he (the friend) wanted to do was watch TV. After the tirade of complaints, he sighed and said, “Life is so unfair. Why does my life have to be so bad? I wish I didn’t even exist!” He says this occasionally, or other things like, “When I grow up, I want to just live alone, so no one can ignore me and I can just do what I want.”

Now, most of the time he is pleasant and fun. There is a family history of depression, so I am of course sensitive to this, but he has many activities that he is interested in and enjoys doing. He has friends and makes friends easily. Our family is loving and stable and affectionate. It just seems that when he gets frustrated, he spirals down so quickly! One mistake, one bad encounter with a friend, and he will make blanket statements about his whole world. And when I hear him say such dramatic things, it makes my heart break.

Any advice? Is this on the range of normal? How can I help him?

Thank you so much.
 
Oops, I realize I should have posted this in the parenting forum. Sorry about that!:o
 
Wow…your sensitive guy sounds a lot like mine. He is 6, and he does that too. I call it “horribilizing.” His favorite one is, “Everybody hates me!”

I want to be sensitive to his feelings, but I also want him to learn some self control. He seems to know that certain things are appropriate at some times and not others. I warned his kindergarten teacher about this last year, and when I had a conference with her about half way through, she said she never saw any sign of the emotional meltdowns I had warned her about. He is literally the picture of equanimity at school. After I heard that, I joked around with him. I said, “Oh, thanks a lot! So you save all that stuff up for me at home, huh?” And he just grinned and said, “Yeah!”

When we got a little more serious, I asked him if that was because he knew it was safe at home for him to do that. Because we all really did love him and he knew he wouldn’t lose that love by overreacting or just unloading on everyone. He told me that, yes, that was a big part of it.

While I try to get to the root of his problem when he gets really bad, lately I have been having less patience with it. Especially when he starts up with how horrible everything is, or how much everyone hates him/we don’t love him. A couple of weeks ago, I told him how unfair it was to accuse me of such things, because I do love him, and I try to treat him fairly. I wanted him to see that he is not just allowed to say anything he wants and dump all over people, venting his own feelings by hurting theirs. He gets so wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t even realize that the things he says are hurtful. He is old enough now to be called on that. There have been a few times when DH and I both just told him to go to his room and calm himself down when he has been really out of hand over seemingly nothing. And we are not being dismissive…we usually do at least try to figure out what set him off. But sometimes it’s just so little and seemingly stupid that we don’t feed into his sympathy jones.

At times when he gets down on himself, one thing we don’t allow is “stupid.” Every child gets told, “No one in this family is stupid!” whenever something like that gets said. And no one in our family IS stupid. They may have different abilities, talents, and interests, but that doesn’t ever mean they are stupid if they are not as good at something else. Most of the time I will try to “talk him down” by pointing out all the good things I see in him. Sometimes that helps, sometimes he refuses to accept it and just has to be left to calm himself down. I have learned that there are some times when I just can’t do anything and he has to work out his feelings on his own.

But, he always knows that I am ready to hug him and welcome him back into regular life when he is ready. And he usually gets himself together within 15-20 minutes.

I guess I can’t really tell you what is “normal.” But my child seems like a variation on normal to me, and yours most likely is too. He has always been my most sensitive one, and I think he always will be, but he has to learn how to live that reality in a constructive way and to be able to control himself so that he is not being inappropriate or hurting others. I too am a very sensitive person whose emotions run very deep and strong, but I didn’t project it outward like he does. I would get quiet and turn inside. So I understand the way he feels and how hard it is to live like that, but I don’t so much connect with putting it out there in other people’s faces.
 
Really? Your little guy is like this, too? That makes me feel a little better.🙂 Does your son turn his horribilizing (great word, btw!) inward, too? Mine starts saying things about how bad he is at reading/climbing/doing chores/whatever. I guess that’s what worries me the most-- his railing on himself so much.

I’ve learned to try to talk to him after he’s calmed down a bit first- otherwise, nothing I do or say makes a difference. He just gets more ramped up trying to win the argument, trying to “prove” that he’s right, his life really IS that awful, he really IS the worst piano player in the world, etc. Does your child do these same kinds of things, too?
 
Yes, sometimes he will get on how he is not good at anything and never will be. Same strategies, same results. Sometimes pointing out his strengths helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes he just has to be left to get calm, and then we can talk about it.

I do worry that I might not be handling it right, but all I can do is give the best I have and hope it works out in the end. 🤷

I think part of his problem might be his “perfect” big sister. She is a total overachiever and probably makes him feel like he can never measure up. She is not usually mean to him and she doesn’t lord it over people, but still, having that example in front of you all the time… I have had to talk to her about how hard it must be to have sister like her, and that she needs to be compassionate, and especially not jump in and answer questions for him or show him up.
 
Wow! We have one of these kids too it seems. I thought we were the only ones - so glad to stumble across this thread today. Our son is only three…I’m getting a bit of an idea of what may lie ahead. He has ALWAYS been quite serious, intense, independent and insanely stubborn. My DH says if they ever bring back the rack to torture Catholics, our son will NEVER give in! I truly believe this kid could accomplish anything he sets his mind to - he could climb Everest if he so wished. And if it’s something he doesn’t want to do - FORGET about it. If he’s not happy the whole world is ending. And it only takes the smallest thing to set him off.

At first I put his behaviour down to the terrible two’s, being slow to mature etc but now I’m beginning to think that it is just his personality. I even asked DH “Can a parent change their child’s personality?” :o We came to the conclusion that adults come in all shapes and sizes with a variety of personality types - and they had to start somewhere, right?

I wonder if this is more common in boys? Our son is a middle child - I’ve also wondered if that somehow has something to do with it. Does Middle Child Syndrome really exist or is it just physco-babble?

We often say to ourselves that our son will have to learn the hard way. He seems intent on dramatising everything…stirrring up trouble if things are too quiet and peaceful. sigh Sometimes I wish I could just turn down the intensity a degree or two.

I try not to forget the upside to our sensitive little boy (as hard as it is at times :rolleyes: ) he’s a deep thinker who throws me the most unexpected fantastic questions, he’s artistic and points out amazing shapes and patterns to me in his environment that I didn’t notice before, he’s bright and affectionate, I think he’ll definately be a musician like his Daddy and life is never dull when he’s around!
 
When something doesn’t go my stepson’s way, like a webpage is loading too slowly or I tell him he needs to take a shower, he whines, cries, kicks, screams, throws himself on the floor, and flails about, sucking his thumb and breaking things. He has even done this at school, he is in 3rd grade.

The only one that can control this is my husband. I think sometimes boys tend toward explosive tempers, and that fathers have to play a large role in teaching emotional restraint. With my children, I briefly empathize, and if they keep complaining I try to get them to think of a way to fix it or adapt to the situation. If they aren’t listening because they just want an audience for their outburst or want to inflict their bad mood on somebody else, they have to go to their rooms until the mood passes.

Usually that works pretty well. I can’t stand it when the children spend a significant amount of time in a bad mood or complaining about something.

The girls do it to though. I know a certain seven yo who is known to say, “Nobody loves me. I wish I was never born.”
 
haha my oldest son (9yo) had always been that way until about 6 months ago. we thought we were the only ones too lol i think he’s finally out of that stage though!
 
chsngtailodogma said:
haha my oldest son (9yo) had always been that way until about 6 months ago. we thought we were the only ones too lol i think he’s finally out of that stage though!
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Did he just grow out of it or do you have some marvellous cure to pass on? :gopray:
 
My 7 year old is like this too. All summer long the whole family has been trying to help teach him to ride a bike and each session ends in tears very quickly. “I’ll never learn to ride a bike.” “You let me fall! How could you let your son fall?” “Why do I have to learn to ride a bike anyway? I’m no good.” “I’ll never get it right.”… he carries on and on blaming all of us who are trying to help him.

Much of the time he says life is unfair. He occasionally has screaming meltdowns at school if he is (in his mind) unfairly given a minus (on the daily report home). Injustices set him off. He is often at the counselors for a little chat.

I think its a stage, or a personality quirk… it does get better! lol. My 18 year old was EXACTLY like my 7 year old when he was small. Its like having the same child all over again.
 
DS is a young man now, when he was little, the few times he said “life is unfair” we would agree. Life IS unfair. Those who exepect life to be fair are in for a world of disappointment and hurt. The sooner kids lose the expectation that life is fair, the better.

I’ve seen this taken to crazy extremens - parents who buy a toy for every sibling on each child’s birthday (that way it is fair). :confused:
 
mostly i think it was a phase. the thing that seemed to work best during the whole ordeal was comedy. when he was having one of those moments, i gave him a loooong hug and a kiss and said something to the effect that i was sorry it isn’t working out the way he wanted it to, then i’d follow up with something more goofy. like naming the malady something funny so that when he had to describe his frustrations, he could seldom do it w/out a giggle or two. he also was far more open to learn after a nice hearty chuckle. plus there’s nothing cuter than hearing your 6 year old say his brother is “trying to discombobulate me to death or something.” how dramatic lol

he doesn’t do it anymore though! i guess i don’t know if it was the method that worked to curb it, or if he just grew out of it.

good luck!
 
There is a Christian psychologist by the name of Kevin Leman who has written books that have helped me understand my kids, my husband, and myself. One of them is “The Birth Order Book”. Another is called “First Born”. These books are very interesting and easy to read. It helped me to see that the order in which you are born in the family effects your personality. Try reading them and see if you recognize anyone in your family.
 
My guess is that this a combination between age and personality type. I think a big question is how quickly he recovers his good nature afterwards. Some people fly off the handle very quickly but then they get over it. Such people often get very excited when something ‘good’ happens but then get over that quickly too. Such people need to learn how to control themselves when disappointed but also when happy. There actually is such a thing as acting too overjoyed.
 
My 7 yr old brother is intense too, and there was a time when he’d get frustrated with everything. Especially when he loses, but he’s not allowed to cry, be a poor sport, etc. He also hates it when people are in the lead, and he’s not. But you have to focus that intensity in the right direction. There’s a time and place for everything, and he now focuses most of his energy on the soccer field.

My other brother was like that for a while, too, but he outgrew it.

And depression runs in our family too. I was depressed for a while myself, and so was my brother, but we learned to overcome it ourselves. I’m just praying for my dad to accept it and learn for himself too.

I guess we’re just an emotional family (with different ways to express that emotion) 🤷
 
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