What lifestyle changes should I make?

[kage_ar]

We’ve got a problem on our hands. My child’s innocence just went down a huge notch. Perhaps it is gone altogether, and has been for a while. In my worst nightmares I never dreamed chastity would be such a struggle in my children.
I had hoped I had given them enough to choose to reject what looked bad. Now I know they do not have the wisdom to do so.

Pray for the children. Pray for their purity.

A teenager listening to a song with vulgar language - it has happened before, it will happen again.

Do you talk about music? What music does he like? Do you listen to it with him, discussing what is good and what is bad? What are his likes and dislikes?

Perhaps he likes that style of music, actually this is close to a golden oldie in the electroclash world (the song is almost a decade old).

As former musicians, we have been liberal with the music in our house, as long as nothing is secret, DH and I know what he is listening to and we talk about it, the good AND the bad. So far, he has found the bad stuff is not interesting and passes it aside.

We can sit and listen to Tom Waits or Zepplin together

 

[Ceil-1]

He has similar tastes to mine. But, this was not music. It was pornography in musical form. It was not a song at all.

Every once in a while they will let a song slip. Justin Timberlake, not a person I would want my children to know too much about, had a song with the word sexy in it. I told them in no uncertain terms that was off limits. Of course, how long was it on their list before I found out? And he likes Nelly Furtado. I do not approve of her, either. She had a song called Promiscuous. I told them what the word meant and that it could not possibly be an appropriate song.

When are they going to get it? Maybe they just don’t care.

It is far too late to put a lid on it, however. I am just going to have to keep a look out and nag at them as I have been. I should have stuck to Polka

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

No, no, no!

These are kids, not monks. If you want your sons to be faithful Christians in a secular world you must not teach them that the only way to live a holy life is to hide away from the world and pretend that it does not exist. If you do this, when they are finally and inevitably exposed to the wider world, how much more corrupting and alluring will it be!

See TV and Internet as a vaccination against evil. Only by teaching your kids self-discipline and discernment will they be able to consciously reject evil. A Christian whose faith is not tested will never appreciate his own relationship with God.

Think of the great work of Opus Dei, helping families to live holy lives in the midst of the secular world. Think of Mary and Joseph taking Jesus to Jerusalem three times a year, Jerusalem which martyrs prophets and succumbs to the Romans; Jesus himself confronted the devil and worldly temptations in the desert. He did not run from temptation. He understood it and coolly rejected it.

I do not wholly disagree with what has been said here. They need to understand what the world is, and why they are choosing to reject it for the Truth and Love and Faith of Jesus Christ through the Sacraments and His Holy Roman Catholic Church.
One must also understand that many of the reasons for the problems in society is the desensitation of all of the sin and violence shown ALL of the time on secular television, radio, computer games, and video games.
As an angel, Lucifer was given charge over entertainment. In this century, he is obviously the author of almost all of it. EWTN and the like are obvious exceptions to what he controls.
And St. Paul says that we shouldn’t walk, but run from temptation. We are sinners, not perfect like Jesus. When we are tempted to do evil, we are supposed to RUN away, and straight to Jesus in order to overcome it.

God bless you all, and forgive me if I sound argumentative or judgemental. I certainly mean not to do so.
Cherie

 

[kage_ar]

He has similar tastes to mine. But, this was not music. It was pornography in musical form. It was not a song at all.

Every once in a while they will let a song slip. Justin Timberlake, not a person I would want my children to know too much about, had a song with the word sexy in it. I told them in no uncertain terms that was off limits. Of course, how long was it on their list before I found out? And he likes Nelly Furtado. I do not approve of her, either. She had a song called Promiscuous. I told them what the word meant and that it could not possibly be an appropriate song.

When are they going to get it? Maybe they just don’t care.

It is far too late to put a lid on it, however. I am just going to have to keep a look out and nag at them as I have been. I should have stuck to Polka

I’ve heard the song you speak about.

I have to say, if Justin Timberlake is to risque for you and the mere word promiscusious is banned, you have very strict lockdown on music.

I knew some staunch Pentecostals who felt this way, when I was a kid it was playing “We Will Rock You” and “Stairway To Heaven” backwards then burn the records cause the devil was in the rock and roll music.

Making music fobidden makes it all the more attractive. You might let them begin to learn how to choose current music of their own liking?

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

Here’s the thing that keeps me up at night, folks. My son was surfing the music playlist on Facebook (where literally everybody is these days). It gives you the song you are interested along with a “package” of other songs, supposedly related to yours. You can choose to click onto the song to sample it.

Well, a song titled _________(a vulgar word equivalent to fornication, and I do mean theword) …the Pain Away, came onto the list. And guess what? You guessed it. He clicked onto it. It was literally verbal porn. Disgusting. And, this is what I came downstairs to in the morning. He had left it paused on the computer and hadn’t expected me to drop by so soon.

As you can guess, I have been beside myself. And yet, he tells me he didn’t understand why it was sooooo bad as all that. He said it just popped up and he clicked it on. No excuse whatsoever. He did not seek it out. It came to him. Now, we have filters for the computer, but when you are already in a program and it comes in as a package… that’s how it bypasses
the filters, folks.

We’ve got a problem on our hands. My child’s innocence just went down a huge notch. Perhaps it is gone altogether, and has been for a while. In my worst nightmares I never dreamed chastity would be such a struggle in my children.
I had hoped I had given them enough to choose to reject what looked bad. Now I know they do not have the wisdom to do so.

Pray for the children. Pray for their purity.

Just one more reason for you to do all you can to get them involved in the Catholic Charasmatic Movement among the teenagers. It is full of wholesome kids, who would know the problems with that song, and the dangers that temptation brings into the picture. They promote purity, and they know that it first has to start with making sure of what you allow to enter your mind through your eyes and ears. Jesus even talked about it by way of saying “If your eye is the problem, cut it out. For it is better to be without your eyesight than to lose your soul.” He was talking about what we allow ourselves to see, because He knows that our eyes are, theoretically speaking, the door to our souls. We must protect our eyes, and our ears. It is imperative in todays world if we are to protect the chastity and purity of our children…and ourselves folks.

God bless you all,
Cherie

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

A teenager listening to a song with vulgar language - it has happened before, it will happen again.

Do you talk about music? What music does he like? Do you listen to it with him, discussing what is good and what is bad? What are his likes and dislikes?

Perhaps he likes that style of music, actually this is close to a golden oldie in the electroclash world (the song is almost a decade old).

As former musicians, we have been liberal with the music in our house, as long as nothing is secret, DH and I know what he is listening to and we talk about it, the good AND the bad. So far, he has found the bad stuff is not interesting and passes it aside.

We can sit and listen to Tom Waits or Zepplin together

A lot of communication is certainly very helpful also. Out of curiosity, how old is you son? Do you think that his age makes the difference, and that he may change with peer pressure? And what other forms of entertainment might he be picking up to influence him in a bad way? What do you do about the rest?
Your son is very fortunate to have for his parents people who are educated about the entertainment the way that you all are.
I know that I am not educated in those matters, and I am not sure that I will be able to handle things the same way…in allowing it…when my 8, 7, & 6 year old sons are coming into that stage. My daughter, 15, is so involved with the CCM that she, for the most part, guards herself against it.
I am a single mom, so I won’t even have the help of the male influence in their lives to help me with those situations.

God bless you all,
Cherie

 

[kage_ar]

A lot of communication is certainly very helpful also. Out of curiosity, how old is you son? Do you think that his age makes the difference, and that he may change with peer pressure? And what other forms of entertainment might he be picking up to influence him in a bad way? What do you do about the rest?

Our son will be 18 very soon. He is a musician, is teaching guitar now.

He gave up video games for Lent 3 years ago, and ended up giving away his game console.

He loves to read - seems he always has a book or a guitar in his hands.

He is very much a traditionalist when it comes to liturgy, does not like contemporary music at Mass or “touchy feely” stuff, prefers Chant and pipe organ. When it is standing room only at Mass and he is out in the back, is the first to hit his knees on the hard pavement. The long haired rocker guy in the Metallica T-Shirt has a devotion to the Rosary that is something serious.

Staying involved with your kids is important. We know his friends, we talk - about music and books and politics and religion.

Keep talking, don’t be afraid to be the mom when you have to be, and don’t be afraid to let them grow up.

Stay connected with your Parish, there will be great men of God there to provide that influence when it is needed

 

[Magicsilence]

Here’s the thing that keeps me up at night, folks. My son was surfing the music playlist on Facebook (where literally everybody is these days). It gives you the song you are interested along with a “package” of other songs, supposedly related to yours. You can choose to click onto the song to sample it.

Well, a song titled _________(a vulgar word equivalent to fornication, and I do mean theword) …the Pain Away, came onto the list. And guess what? You guessed it. He clicked onto it. It was literally verbal porn. Disgusting. And, this is what I came downstairs to in the morning. He had left it paused on the computer and hadn’t expected me to drop by so soon.

As you can guess, I have been beside myself. And yet, he tells me he didn’t understand why it was sooooo bad as all that. He said it just popped up and he clicked it on. No excuse whatsoever. He did not seek it out. It came to him. Now, we have filters for the computer, but when you are already in a program and it comes in as a package… that’s how it bypasses
the filters, folks.

We’ve got a problem on our hands. My child’s innocence just went down a huge notch. Perhaps it is gone altogether, and has been for a while. In my worst nightmares I never dreamed chastity would be such a struggle in my children.
I had hoped I had given them enough to choose to reject what looked bad. Now I know they do not have the wisdom to do so.

Pray for the children. Pray for their purity.

Well, we can’t force you to do anything, but I can re-iterate my own experience of teenagers in general.

In general, they are not self-aware (and I mean this in the theological sense of the word). They tend to fall for the worst vices - lust, greed, and selfishness, precisely because that is exactly what is promoted by the secular world, and all their ‘friends’.

In all my knowledge of computers, I can only recommend that any use is fully supervised. If your kids have access without you in the room, it will destroy their souls, either through facebook, myspace, or whatever else.

God Bless!

 

[Ceil-1]

Magicsilence,

I’m am not sure what you are advising. Keep them away from the computer altogether? I am not sure how I could cut it off without cutting out most of their contacts.

 

[BayernAnhaenger]

He has similar tastes to mine. But, this was not music. It was pornography in musical form. It was not a song at all.

Every once in a while they will let a song slip. Justin Timberlake, not a person I would want my children to know too much about, had a song with the word sexy in it. I told them in no uncertain terms that was off limits. Of course, how long was it on their list before I found out? And he likes Nelly Furtado. I do not approve of her, either. She had a song called Promiscuous. I told them what the word meant and that it could not possibly be an appropriate song.

When are they going to get it? Maybe they just don’t care.

It is far too late to put a lid on it, however. I am just going to have to keep a look out and nag at them as I have been. I should have stuck to Polka

Polka fan?

Nice!!

I’m going to plug a certain song I like, because it’s great
The Goodtime Dutchmen performed “Try It, You’ll Like It”.

That song… ironically (!) got me into polka.

 

[GraceDK]

I am hoping some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice.

I had a conversion experience eleven years ago. Since then, I have tried to raise my children up in the Faith, and even my husband came on board with me. We even homeschooled for part of that time b/c of the wholesome and Catholic worldview
it promotes.

Yet, in spite of my efforts, my, now teenage, sons show signs of inculturation into the general mainstream. This has manifested itself in attraction to people (specifically, girls) who do not have the same committment to God. Also in choices of music, in rebellious attitudes at times, etc. One of them believes the government has the responsibility to get him educated, take care of him, etc. In addition, some character issues I tried to instill don’t seem to have stuck. (Consideration for others, love of family, a work ethic). It turns out I may not have done enough.

Did we err in allowing some of these worldly infulences sneak in from time to time? I always thought they would be able to strike a balance b/w the “ways of the world” and theirs. I want holy consecrated men, but they just want to be well thought of among their peers. Should we get rid of all cultural influences? Or should I let them be who they are and just try to do damage control along the way? I am feeling like an utter failure. Help.

How is their dad doing in all of this?
I guess that for teenage boys its very important with a good father whom they look up to and who is strong in his faith and masculinity as well. Also its pretty important that they see their parents as accepted and with a social life with like minded people, other Christians etc.
And I second the others. Christian youth groups is the way forward for young people. They need Christian young people to look up to and talk to and compare themselves with.

 

[Ceil-1]

Polka fan?

Nice!!

I’m going to plug a certain song I like, because it’s great
The Goodtime Dutchmen performed “Try It, You’ll Like It”.

That song… ironically (!) got me into polka.

Gee, I wonder if it’s on You Tube?

Dad says I wouldn’t let him be tough with the kids when they were small. He is from a Latin background, and they beat the you-know-what out of their kids on a regular basis. I’m beginning to see the wisdom in all of that.

He seems to get upset at the smaller things, and think I’m overdoing it on the things I think are important. He sets a good example for them. But, both of us have been a tad indulgent compared to our parents.

It is very hard to pull back on something once you have allowed it.
For instance, they only watch a couple of shows, one of them is the Office. They had started it on the internet, maybe with Netflix, I don’t know. It seemed innocuous at the time and I let it slip. Since I have seen some of the programs, there is too much
illicit sexual innuendo to really allow. But, they love the show, and it’s very hard to keep them from it since, as my son says,
“I’ve already seen every show three times.”

Well, the best I can do now is instruct them how exaggerated it is and how illicit sexual relations are forbidden by God. But, isn’t it against the virtue of purity to sit and listen to these things? I fear I have sinned by allowing this. The same with Seinfeld, and a couple of other shows. I thought I was doing well keeping cable out of my home and discouraging anything but gameshows. Frankly, even gameshows throw in a ***** here and there. Just for good measure.

 

[Red_Meg]

Regarding TV shows-- my kids don’t really watch network television except for the news and occasional Jeopardy episode.

But for some reason, despite the fact that we have “basic” (i.e. ultra-cheap) cable, we get the Discovery Channel. Some of the programming on it is pretty stupid and a waste of time, but for the most part it’s family-friendly. “Man vs. Wild”, “Dirtiest Job” and “Deadliest Catch” appeals to the boys a LOT (although I have to note that I hate Deadliest Catch because it’s just stupid.) “Mythbusters” is also really fun, and on a good day, throws in a decent amount of science. They occasionally throw in a little more innuendo than I’d care for, but not enough to make me turn the channel.

Perhaps these would be options for your sons?

Margaret

 

[Magicsilence]

Magicsilence,

I’m am not sure what you are advising. Keep them away from the computer altogether? I am not sure how I could cut it off without cutting out most of their contacts.

Hi C,

In your first post you asked:

Should we get rid of all cultural influences? Or should I let them be who they are and just try to do damage control along the way? I am feeling like an utter failure. Help.

My own answer to this is resoundingly, yes.

Think for a second exactly what it is they do on the computer (for example). Send messages to girls on facebook? Watch youtube? Listen to music on myspace or itunes or the internet radio? Have you ever considered that they might be looking at any form of pornography? Would you know?

The computer, like the TV, is a technology that the secular world has used to its own end to promote its own selfish pleasures of the flesh. Like the TV, it is pretty much an open sewer.

I am telling you as a recent former teenager (21 years of age now) that 99% of my ‘friends’ considered it normal to view pornography, download films or music illegally, and watch videos on sites like youtube with ‘sex’ adverts on the side.

And this is all done when the parents are out of the room or the house, and every trace of it is deleted. You think you’re smarter than them, but believe me, kids learn how to cover their steps very quickly.

If you don’t want your sons to be intoxicated with the filth and evil that is the majority of the internet, then they cannot be left alone on it without you in the room supervising.

If you don’t want them to subscribe to the secular liberalism, and sexual nonchalance that 99% of TV programs promote, then you gotta find some way to stop them watching them full stop.

You can’t protect them forever. But you can protect their unformed conscience while you are still able to.

However, its got to be backed up by a solid Catholic family life, i.e. family prayer (apart from meals), studying Holy Scripture, studying the catechism, and also discussion of difficult subjects (like why masturbation is wrong, and sex is only for marriage).

If you don’t tell you kids the answers to these questions, they will use the answers the secular society gives them. My own first questions regarding masturbation (for example) were answered by a ‘teen sexual health’ website which declared that it was a ‘healthy and normal thing done to relieve tension’. What options (or chance!) did I have? What about your own sons?

I realise the credibility of my parenting ‘methods’ will be condemned by most, especially considering my lack of ‘credentials’. Anyway, good luck with your sons.

God Bless,

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

I think it is important for you to use your own past mistakes in showing the kids that you know what you are talking about. for example…and this is a true story…

I was trying to explain to my daughter and her friend (friend comes from an immoral family…not that I am any better) why I would not allow them to go see a certain movie…I forget which one.
I told them something very important for them to know because it is the truth…but difficult for them to accept or believe. They haven’t been alive long enough for them to have had to deal with it. Very important somthing…what a person sees or hears enters into their mind, and cannot be extracted. And satan will use these images and sounds…and sometimes even tastes…to tempt you into sin. And he is very good at what he does. 24 years ago I watched a pornographic movie…28 years ago I looked at a pornographic magazine…18 years ago I was listening to sexually explicit…and self destructive music. I read the sex scenes in trashy romance novels.
Believe it or not, it wasn’t a lot…and very little on the scale of what was offered, or what many others were doing.
My point is…I am still fighting those sounds and images and words. They come to me in the dead of the night as I lie awake when I am unable to sleep. They come to me as I am in the store, and an immoral song comes on the loudspeaker and I have to concentrate and pray hard to keep from innocently singing along. I have to. I want to fight it. I wish that those things had never entered into my mind. I thought that, even though they were wrong, I could easily go to confession and be forgiven…and that would be the end of it. That was the deception from satan. So I indulged in sin. And I shall be fighting with the effects of that indulgence for the rest of my life.
Even things that “aren’t so bad”, still serve to desensitize your mind and will. We have to protect our children’s eyes and ears more than ever in todays world. And we need to train them to protect themselves. They need to understand that what they see and hear goes in and never comes out again. I believe that this is what Jesus was talking about when He talked about cutting out your eyes if they cause you to sin. I may be wrong…it’s just what always comes to me when considering this.
I hope this helps.

God bless you and yours,
Cherie