What makes a good partner?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Magickman
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Magickman

Guest
As in many other aspects of our lives, there is a continuing tension between our desires for a particular kind of partner, and the reality of the sort of partners we actually can attract.

There is nothing wrong with anyone setting high standards for a partner, even very high standards. We ought remember, though, that wanting something is entirely different from securing that thing.

I believe we should strip away extraneous concerns in choosing a partner, and focus on the essentials.

A rewarding relationship or marriage, requires that the partners be compatible. Not in every aspect, of course, but in the important and consequential ways.

What is important?
  1. That in the practical areas of everyday life, the partners can live without excessive conflict. That they can happily get along with each other.
  2. That a puissant sexual attraction is present, and the partners have physical desire for one another. Without this sexual glue, it is very difficult to have a relationship that will stay intact.
  3. That the core values of both partners are shared, and they do not disagree about common life purpose. If partners have core values that are divergent, how can they have an enduring and satisfying relationship?
If these three factors are present, then the partners are very probably a good match.
 
Magickman said:
As in many other aspects of our lives, there is a continuing tension between our desires for a particular kind of partner, and the reality of the sort of partners we actually can attract.

There is nothing wrong with anyone setting high standards for a partner, even very high standards. We ought remember, though, that wanting something is entirely different from securing that thing.

I believe we should strip away extraneous concerns in choosing a partner, and focus on the essentials.

A rewarding relationship or marriage, requires that the partners be compatible. Not in every aspect, of course, but in the important and consequential ways.

What is important?
  1. That in the practical areas of everyday life, the partners can live without excessive conflict. That they can happily get along with each other.
  2. That a puissant sexual attraction is present, and the partners have physical desire for one another. Without this sexual glue, it is very difficult to have a relationship that will stay intact.
  3. That the core values of both partners are shared, and they do not disagree about common life purpose. If partners have core values that are divergent, how can they have an enduring and satisfying relationship?
If these three factors are present, then the partners are very probably a good match.
Click to expand...
Well Debbie and I are 3 for 3 by your list, but she tells me #2 was the main reason she went with me 😉
 
My wife and I are 3 for 3 also. And she also says #2 was most important:o. What is it with those women?
 
Magickman said:
  1. That a puissant sexual attraction is present, and the partners have physical desire for one another. Without this sexual glue, it is very difficult to have a relationship that will stay intact.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t autonomise and glorify sex so much, especially sex in the sense of the technical aspects of sexuality. Desire, sure, making love, sure, being attracted, sure, but… let’s not cross the line. 😉 This said, attraction is hugely important, of course. I can’t imagine wanting to marry a woman without that.
  1. That the core values of both partners are shared, and they do not disagree about common life purpose. If partners have core values that are divergent, how can they have an enduring and satisfying relationship?
Click to expand...
Strongly agree.
If these three factors are present, then the partners are very probably a good match.
Click to expand...
Well, those factors are very general. In fact, your three points cover all life and all there is to a relationship (values, everyday life, sexual attraction). We could even more generally say that if people are compatible, they will probably have a good relationship and that would be impossible to deny. But yeah, it doesn’t actually take a detailed match to be a good match. It’s enough that core values and concerns don’t diverge - and in many relationships they do, so people don’t have a good relationship even if they match each other in everything except one or two core values. A less perfect matching in little detaisl but with a good matching on the top level (values, principles, expectations, concerns) should make for a much better relationship.
 
Magickman said:
What is important?
  1. That in the practical areas of everyday life, the partners can live without excessive conflict. That they can happily get along with each other.
  2. That a puissant sexual attraction is present, and the partners have physical desire for one another. Without this sexual glue, it is very difficult to have a relationship that will stay intact.
  3. That the core values of both partners are shared, and they do not disagree about common life purpose. If partners have core values that are divergent, how can they have an enduring and satisfying relationship?
Click to expand...
**
I agree, but with a slight modification. For number one, I think it is actually MORE important to be able to resolve conflicts peacefully than to get along happily day to day. In a marriage, things can change…if a couple was used to always getting along and then something changes and they don’t know how to resolve conflicts effectively it is a quick road to divorce.

But obviously, while dating, if the couple doesn’t get along daily then they should find a more suitable match.
**
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**
I agree, but with a slight modification. For number one, I think it is actually MORE important to be able to resolve conflicts peacefully than to get along happily day to day. In a marriage, things can change…if a couple was used to always getting along and then something changes and they don’t know how to resolve conflicts effectively it is a quick road to divorce.

But obviously, while dating, if the couple doesn’t get along daily then they should find a more suitable match.
**
Click to expand...
I agree with this. Couples that never ever have disagreements, I sometimes wonder if they really always agree on everything, or just don’t like conflict. I think you present a good point here, Malia.🙂
 
What attracts a person to another, and what holds them together for years and years in a marriage are two different things. Sex will not hold a marriage filled with problems, together for very long.

But, sexual attraction is important. My dh thought I was very attractive when we met (he still does lol:p )…of course, I enjoyed the fact that he did. But, if I was a witch, it wouldn’t have lasted. Same for him–I found him to be attractive…but if he were an abusive person, it wouldn’t have lasted. So, perhaps, for us, what makes us good partners for one another, is the fact that we put God first. To me, there was nothing more attractive to us both, than our devotion and love for the Lord. To this day, it is what has held us together through some very turbulent times. I don’t think we would have merged back together after our separation, had we not had God first in our lives. (I strayed from God, which could be what caused a lot of our marital problems back then)

So…putting God first, and sacrificing for one’s spouse, is what will create a long lasting marriage.🙂 Just my two cents.
 
thomfra said:
He kind of walked into that one…

Bambarider: Don’t worry old chap…you’re an arrestingly handsome man.
Click to expand...
Don’t worry about it, I did walk into it. I was just wishin I’d come up with it first.

BUT I dunno about this if ya happen to be male-
Bambarider: Don’t worry old chap…you’re an arrestingly handsome man
Click to expand...
:hmmm: We don’t need a Brokeback thread LOL.
 
BamaRider said:
Don’t worry about it, I did walk into it. I was just wishin I’d come up with it first.

BUT I dunno about this if ya happen to be male-

:hmmm: We don’t need a Brokeback thread LOL.
Click to expand...
he he … don’t worry mate. You’re safe as houses with me.
 
I’ve been married almost 30 years, and sex is important to my husband and me. In fact, we keep a “log.” If only we could publish it. :rolleyes:

But I disagree that sexual attraction is important. Sex is a way of showing love, and that is an action, and an action is a choice. One of the things that I wish I had known as a younger woman is that I don’t have to be “attracted to” or “in the mood for” my husband. I can make a choice to say “Yes” and do the foreplay that arouses a human body–and almost always, lovemaking happens beautifully.

I personally think that almost any male and any female can have a satisfying sexual relationship, whether or not they are “attracted” to each other. Sex is a learned skill, not a spontaneous romantic happening.

There are many men that I am not in the least sexually attracted to, BUT if circumstances were such that I was married to them, I’m sure that I would learn how to please my man and how to be pleased by him.

I also think that many things can happen to mess up sexual attraction and sometimes force celibacy in a marriage, but marriages can stay strong in spite of this. Breast cancer attacks 1 out of 9 women, and many of these women will end up with a disfiguring surgery. Younger women are affected, too–this isn’t just a disease of menopause.

Other physical illnesses and disabilities affect young men and women. We know a young man who was paralyzed in a car accident less than a year after he was married. I realize that sex still happens with physical limitations, but I think it’s safe to say that the sexual “attraction” will be challenged.

Other things can affect sexual attraction. In our family, my husband suffered with full-blown clinical depression for a few years before getting efficacious treatment. We didn’t have sex. Looking back, I wish we had, but I simply was not interested. I distanced myself. And he wasn’t aroused by anything. But–we stayed married and got through it. Sexual attraction was NOT necessary for the marriage.
 
BamaRider said:
Don’t worry about it, I did walk into it. I was just wishin I’d come up with it first.

BUT I dunno about this if ya happen to be male-

:hmmm: We don’t need a Brokeback thread LOL.
Click to expand...
I thought it was going to be one. Who else uses the phrase “partner”? In Catholic land we tend to use spouse, husband , wife…
 
Brokeback?

I do not think that is much of an issue here. This seems to be a strongly heterosexual group, although such unfortunate things can happen anywhere.

Was it use of the term “partner,” that suggested otherwise?

I used the word partner as a non gender-specific term, to denote a member of a loving couple. It is a neutral term, like significant other, that can apply to either married or unmarried couples. In this context, I was not even thinking about other than heterosexual relationships.

Not every loving couple is married, and some do not even want to be married, or find marriage impractical.

I know, it is a confusing world out there, and things are not always what they seem. But, please, let us focus on straight, heterosexual relationships, because I think that is what members of this group desire to have.

The idea of the three primary dimensions of compatibility, (Practical, Sexual, and Values) is one I learned from Dr. Sam Hamburg’s book, “Will Our Love Last?” Dr. Hamburg appears to be on to something.

High compatibility in all three dimensions represented the strongest relationships. Two out of three, was workable for many couples. But only one out of three, probably meant a relationship with low success.

The three dimensions are important to consider, in selection of a partner, or prospective spouse, if we seek enduring love.
 
A wise priest told me many years ago that a potential spouse should help you get to Heaven. Fortunately, I have been blessed to find that person. If I mess up and end up somewhere else, it’s certainly not her fault!

God Bless,
Gary
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top