What Might I Be Called To In This Situation?

[3GirlsRUs]

This might get long…sorry!

I have a co-worker with whom I have become friends. Actually, she and I knew each other when we were 11 years old as we lived in the same town and were on swim team together growing up. When she started working here about 8 years ago, I struck up an acquaintance type of friendship with her. I know she was raised Catholic…12 years of Catholic school, etc. We went to lunch together when she started working here (8 years ago) and she told me how her mother was reading the “left Behind” books and was no longer practicing Catholic and all that and it bothered her then.

Ok. Fast forward a little bit. 5 years ago, she announced that she was pregnant and due with a baby. She wasn’t married, but was still involved with the father. When I’d talk to her (at this point still more of an acquaintance thing, I wouldn’t have called her a “friend” really…) she always said they’d get married after the baby was born. She didn’t want anyone to think they were getting married just because of the baby, etc.

Fast forward a little bit more. 2 years ago after I’d left the company…I came back. I was pregnant with #3 at the time. I ran into her and we quickly “caught up” mentioned we should have lunch some time and she told me she had her second child November … she was just coming back from maternity leave…I was getting ready to go on maternity leave. When I got back from maternity leave, we ended up building a friendship around our common interest of running. I wanted to run a marathon. She had run one in the past. So we had something to start from. We had lunch regularly and got to know each other better. We ran together a few times.

Ok. Fast forward one more year (so basically within the past 6 months). I have now run my first marathon. She and I became better friends sharing our experiences with it and she ran another marathon the week before my first and then she is now training for more marathons this year and we have decided we would run one together in February of 2008. All good. She is having marital trouble now. It looks like a divorce is imminent. By the way…she no longer practices her Catholic faith…I believe she and her family WERE attending a non-denominational Christian Church, because when she first told me about the marital problems, when I asked her if there was anyone at church they could go to for counseling, she mentioned that it’s such a small congregation and they wouldn’t feel comfortable and stuff.

(Continued…)

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I am wondering what God wants me to do in this relationship. I come from a divorced family. As I have had my children and as I watch them grow up, the pain seems to come alive again…feelings that I thought were long resolved, are new again and I am having to deal with them differently now as a mother/wife. I feel there is some work to be done with this friend and that perhaps I am to be used by God to help her some way find her faith again, help her to get her children catechized…I feel that perhaps the marriage issue is hopeless because I really don’t see a desire in her to get through some of the things that have happened. There was a desire to work through things a couple months ago, but it seems she has now “detached” herself…and I’m not sure that is the work for me anyway. Maybe I am supposed to be an example and a sounding board for her…I don’t know. Her little ones are only 4 and almost 2. I feel so sad that her family is breaking up. I feel so sad for her that she is so unhappy. I also feel sad for her husband as I don’t know that the two of them knew how to make it work from the start…if that makes any sense.

As a side note…it seems I am getting to the age where I see this happening more…the divorce, I mean. It is so difficult to watch. It’s so hard to hear someone say that their kids “mean everything to them” yet they aren’t doing all they can to do the best thing possible for their kids. I see it over and over. And honestly, it really rips the scabs off my own wounds because as I have needed to work through things again regarding my parents’ divorce, it is so readily apparent to me that we kids weren’t enough for my dad. I guess it’s hard to understand how anything could be so bad as to take you away from your kids. I can’t imagine it…I hope I never feel that way…I look at my kids every day and know that there is no way on God’s green earth that I would ever leave them voluntarily…no way. So, I guess I’m also dealing with those feelings.

Sorry this is so long and if any of you have any ideas, based on the info I have provided of what perhaps my role might be with this person in my life, I’d be happy to hear them. I’m usually the sort of person that doesn’t push things right away as it is…so I am in the “wait and see’ period with all of this to see if there is a way that I can help…and also, maybe I’m not supposed to help her out…but maybe this is just another situation to help me sort out my own feelings on my own life experiences.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I come from a divorced family. As I have had my children and as I watch them grow up, the pain seems to come alive again…Maybe I am supposed to be an example and a sounding board for her.

One very valuable thing you can offer is your own perspective as a child of divorce. She might look at you and think that her divorce wouldn’t hurt her children since you turned out okay, but let her know that your parents’ divorce still brings you pain.

Also, don’t be a “sounding board” to any of husband bashing. Sure husbands have their faults, but so do wives, (and often wives’ faults involve complaining about husbands with friends.) If you can, try to offer what might be his perspective and maybe you can help your friend see what she can do differently to help her marriage survive. Maybe you might try to find the name of a good Christian marriage counselor to suggest to her also.

 

[the_phoenix]

Prayer for all involved.

I will add mine to yours!

~~ the phoenix

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Yeah…I don’t listen to much DH-bashing…I don’t think people like bashing their DH’s to me, because I usually change the subject or something.

I am praying for them…that is a given!

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Great idea. We have Adoration at our parish on Thursdays. I’ll have to see if I will have a chance to get there…

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Well, here’s an update…

This morning we were on a run and she informed me that she decided to go to church last Sunday. She didn’t want to go to the church she and her husband had attended because she “felt judged” by them for what was going on. She looked up the nearest Catholic Church and went to Mass on Sunday. She said it felt good to be there and she ended up running into some old family friends and went to breakfast afterwards. I was so happy for her to have had a good experience.

As she told me this she told me how incredulous her (soon-to-be-ex) husband was about it seeing how she had been rather negative about the Catholic Church since she knew him…but there’s a lot of history there I don’t want to go into here.

anyway, as she told me, it opened up an opportunity for me to share with her that I wasn’t always sure in my faith either and how it came to be that my DH and I got more serious and started reading the Bible, reading the Catechism, taking classes, and how learning NFP was really what started it all for us. it gave me a chance to share that I had been where she had been at some point regarding my views, but that I had found the answers I was looking for in the Catholic Church. We didn’t talk too much about it, but I pray it opened a door. She mentioned that she thought she’d attend Mass more regularly…she said something like “every other week or so” and I said something like, “Who knows…maybe you won’t be able to stay away from it that far in between…”

Anyway, just thought I’d share. I don’t know if it’s a lot of progress or not. I just was so happy that she had felt drawn to the Catholic parish close to her and she actually went.