What now?

[kib]

Hello all, I feel the need to vent.

As of a few days ago, my girlfriend of 4 years and I decided to “take a break.” I hate that phrase, it’s a death sentence, albeit a slow and gradual death. I hate it so much because I have used that excuse with women in the past. It’s the easy way out, a cowards way of letting someone go slowly. I don’t think that is the situation with my girlfriend and I. I mean, how do you end something after 4 years?

Anyway, now that I am sort of single, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. My girlfriend was such a huge part of my identity that I feel that I have lost half of my self. We have gone through periods of distance and other trials, but this is so much different.

Has anyone gone through this? How do you deal with it and how long did it take for you to feel comfortable in your own skin again? How long did you wait to start meeting new people? With the exception of one month between girlfriends, I haven’t been single in 5 years. I just don’t know what to do. I want to meet someone and begin a new relationship, I just don’t know if that would be the most healthy thing to do right now.

Thanks for any constructive advice.

 

[NewsTheMan]

Yeah, buddy, I feel ya!

Happened to me about 2 months ago (actually, 2 months ago to this day). It is difficult. Really. Nothing else to tell you. You’re gonna cry, you’re gonna go crazy, you’re gonna be weak, you’re gonna be angry. But then… Fill the hole in your heart with God. Ultimately I have become a better Catholic because of what happened. And ultimately I can loook back and be grateful the relationship is over. I do still love her - but I recognize that’s more attachment then actual love (though I suppose there are things that I did love, but hey). I think after two months I am moving on. Slowly. I still think about her everyday. But in a sense I have let go.

I know what you mean - your point of reference is gone. It’s unnatural, right? It was really difficult for me because she was my best friend too. So I understand what you mean. Everything is just weird. But hey. I dunno wat else to tell you dude. As for meeting new people? I am still not comfortable doing it. I would still feel like I’m betraying her if I did (though I know she has already met new people and slept with some - but that only makes me realise why I am not in the relationship anymore and I am grateful). I am open to another women, but my immediate situation dictates that its not likely I will meet anyone new, or anyone new that is Catholic or vaguely what I am looking for. But I do have lots of female friends. In fact, I don’t have any dude friends where I live. But I would say you shouldn’t get into a relationship. I for one KNOW that if I got into a relationship I wouldn’t be able to put my heart into it and I would use her to heal myself (which, coincidentally, was basically what my ex used me for). So I know the dangers of it.

For me. Well. It caused me a lot of hurt, and it was because at the time of meeting her I was ignoring God. So now I am saying God, do with me what you will. That way, if I ever meet a women that God wants me to be with, I can bet she’ll be the one for me!

Good Luck bro!

 

[Will_B]

I know I’m from another generation… But, why have a girl friend for 4 years?? After spending that much time together, it’s time to move on to: Split or Marriage

Frankly, after about of year of being boy-friend and girl-friend (provided the couple is over 18 years of age and education complete) an engagement should be in order. Then after 6 months to a year of being engaged, a wedding should be in the not to distant future. >>> Anything else is just playing games.

 

[kib]

I know I’m from another generation… But, why have a girl friend for 4 years?? After spending that much time together, it’s time to move on to: Split or Marriage

Frankly, after about of year of being boy-friend and girl-friend (provided the couple is over 18 years of age and education complete) an engagement should be in order. Then after 6 months to a year of being engaged, a wedding should be in the not to distant future. >>> Anything else is just playing games.

We we planning to get married after we both finished college. She just graduated two weeks ago. We have been discussing marriage, children, careers, places to live etc. for the past three years. She has had a serious change of heart within the past two or three months. We weren’t playing games, please don’t assume you know enough to make that judgment.

 

[kib]

Yeah, buddy, I feel ya!

Happened to me about 2 months ago (actually, 2 months ago to this day). It is difficult. Really. Nothing else to tell you. You’re gonna cry, you’re gonna go crazy, you’re gonna be weak, you’re gonna be angry. But then… Fill the hole in your heart with God. Ultimately I have become a better Catholic because of what happened. And ultimately I can loook back and be grateful the relationship is over. I do still love her - but I recognize that’s more attachment then actual love (though I suppose there are things that I did love, but hey). I think after two months I am moving on. Slowly. I still think about her everyday. But in a sense I have let go.

I know what you mean - your point of reference is gone. It’s unnatural, right? It was really difficult for me because she was my best friend too. So I understand what you mean. Everything is just weird. But hey. I dunno wat else to tell you dude. As for meeting new people? I am still not comfortable doing it. I would still feel like I’m betraying her if I did (though I know she has already met new people and slept with some - but that only makes me realise why I am not in the relationship anymore and I am grateful). I am open to another women, but my immediate situation dictates that its not likely I will meet anyone new, or anyone new that is Catholic or vaguely what I am looking for. But I do have lots of female friends. In fact, I don’t have any dude friends where I live. But I would say you shouldn’t get into a relationship. I for one KNOW that if I got into a relationship I wouldn’t be able to put my heart into it and I would use her to heal myself (which, coincidentally, was basically what my ex used me for). So I know the dangers of it.

For me. Well. It caused me a lot of hurt, and it was because at the time of meeting her I was ignoring God. So now I am saying God, do with me what you will. That way, if I ever meet a women that God wants me to be with, I can bet she’ll be the one for me!

Good Luck bro!

Thanks NTM, glad to know I am not alone. I guess I just need time to find my identity without her.

 

[NewsTheMan]

Yeah, I think that is the most difficult thing. Finding your own identity again. In some ways it is liberating, and in some ways it is painful. I mean, for so long you and this person have just kind of been as one in a way. Anything happens, she is the first to be told. Got some spare cash, she is the first to be spent on. Etc.

I don’t know your circumstances, but either way it will be hard. But seriously, God and time. I think thats all it takes. God, to fill your heart and to heal and for strength and so that you listen to him instead! Time, so that feelings, memories, etc all float away.
I honestly think break ups in any form are incredibly difficult. You give your heart to someone and BOOM all of a sudden break up. It’s confusing, it feels like betrayal, its life changing, its hurtful, its sad. All at once, its a lot of emotions to be hit with at one time.

But as I said to a guy on another post here earlier, when you look back in 5 maybe 10 years and you’re married you’re gonna giggle when you think about what you posted here. You’re gonna giggle because you’re slightly embarrassed, but more-so because you think “Boy was that depressing but look where I am now”. Know what I mean? It’s comforting to know that. God comforts and heals. Time helps that. And just find ways to improve yourself. I don’t know how your relationship ended, but mine ended very badly so when I see how I’m coming off best I get some satisfaction

 

[Monte_RCMS]

What if you had gotten married and then after a year or two she THEN decided to walk out.

Consider yourself as having been the beneficiary of God’s good choice for you.

As much as she was part of your life while in college, in the overall focus of life as an adult (non-student) member of the community is not with her.

Hurts. Have a drink or two. And get on with your life.

It may be difficult at this moment in your sense of perspective, but just as you have moved on with other activities and other people [how many of your grammar school best friends are still part of your life], so also now, you are able to move on with career and finding a woman who really wants to be part of your life … for life … not just for the duration of school.

You will meet hundreds of women, all different sizes and shapes and interests; there will be plenty of women who will be eligible to be your “twin flame” [or whatever the current New Age expression is].

 

[cmscms]

I know you will now have a lot of time on your hands and a lot of pain. But slowly you will get use to your new life. My opinion, don’t start dating until you wake up and say to your self. ‘I can’t believe it, a whole week went by without me thinking about her.’ It is NOT fair to the next woman to be a rebound. And to be honest, a woman worth having knows when she is a rebound and will say a lot of hurtfull things to you

CM

 

[Newrock2010]

I agree with the similar posts. I was in a similar positions about 6 yrs ago. Graduated college, got engaged, moved in together in another city away from family and most friends ( stupid I know, I was not a catholic at this point in my life, and not really walking with the Lord either, ) and then 4 months later, out of the blue, she just told me she didnt want to be with me anymore.

Much like you, I hurt, I cried, i was an emotional wreck for several months. But looking back on it, much like others have said, I can only see the hand of the Lord at work. I discovered more about who I was and in doing this i became a better person not only for myself, but for the Woman I would meet the next year who would later become my wife, the love of my life and in a few weeks the mother of our child.She is also the one, who through her fantastic example, lead me into the church this past Easter.

I now look back as that break-up as being one of the better things that has happened to me in my life. Trust in the Lord and trust in his plan. he will not let you down.

I will prayer for you and wish you the best.

 

[kib]

Thanks everyone. I wish I could fast forward time to avoid all of this pain. However, right now the best I can do is offer it up and use the time to grow closer to our Lord.

 

[leafcatcher]

My only advice is cling to the Lord. It’s a difficult time and a significant loss, but not one you walk alone.

I’d suggest try to make it to daily mass. And as other have stated see God’s hand in your daily life.