What should a relationship look like after forgiveness?

[57classic]

I have two people in my family who through years of incidents have proven themselves untrustworthy. I cannot have either one of them in my home again. Both live hundreds of miles away but this situation isn’t limited to home visits.

One is my husband’s son who has RSD and is addicted to pain medication. He has always been a thief and a manipulator but has taken to creating situations that cause a great deal of friction between my husband and myself. He walks into his teenage sister’s bedroom unannounced and uninvited. He claims the errands I must run for him are critical but they are really just his power trips. The medical problems are not the root cause of his manipulative ways, he has been like this as long as I have known him, 18 years.

The other is my sister. She is 59 years old and leads an immoral life. I have told her I don’t want to hear about her lovers but she tells me “just this one” and she makes inappropriate remarks within my kids’ hearing. I think she is drinking more and more. She has planned two trips home to see the family, myself and other siblings then cancelled at the last minute because of trivial incidents making incredibly caustic comments about how her “sister friends” wouldn’t treat her that way. She wanted to publish some of my stories I had shared with her by email over the years but instead of asking permission, she only asked if I wanted the names changed or if she could publish as is. My husband is a very private person and nearly choked when he heard her plans.

These examples are the tip of the iceberg so to speak and may sound trivial on the surface but there have been so many incidences in the past. We’ve talked, shouted, cried and insincere appologies have been made (“i’m sorry you feel hurt”) and the same thing happens over and over.

I work to forgive them, I pray for them every time they pop into my thoughts.

My question is, what should my behavior be now? I have noted that Dr. Laura (who is Jewish) has given a Jewish answer many times to the question of forgiveness, the one who has done wrong must ask forgiveness, and make reparation and try to do better. According to her, forgiveness cannot be given until these thing happen.
What must a Catholic do in a relationship with people who will not truely admit they cause havoc and pain or have an agenda to cause havoc and pain intentionally?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Forgive them, but do not subject yourself to abuse. Forgiving someone for things they have done to you means moving on and letting go of resentment against the person. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only poisons us.

I think you understand that both of these people are not going to change unless Jesus moves them to change. There is nothing YOU can do, but you don’t have to leave yourself open to abuse and maltreatment. It is very good that they are not in your vicinity - makes it easier to ignore them.

Pray for them, though, as you are doing.

 

[PatriceA]

My question is, what should my behavior be now? I have noted that Dr. Laura (who is Jewish) has given a Jewish answer many times to the question of forgiveness, the one who has done wrong must ask forgiveness, and make reparation and try to do better. According to her, forgiveness cannot be given until these thing happen.
What must a Catholic do in a relationship with people who will not truely admit they cause havoc and pain or have an agenda to cause havoc and pain intentionally?

Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. You still take every measure possible to keep you and any other loved ones safe from the people that have hurt you in the past. That means you keep yourself safe physically, emotionally, and mentally. You forgive and do not harbor restments or seek an eye for an eye. But you don’t let the hurtful behavior continue as if nothing happened in the past. That’s loving the person that hurt you as much as yourself. If you must remove yourself from the other person’s presence to keep yourself safe, you do so. If you have to cut off communication with the hurtful person for a time while they are acting out, you do so. You wouldn’t continue to give a person alcohol or drugs once you know they are an addict. Same with someone that is a user or a manipulator, you don’t give them the means or the ways to continue to act out their destructive behavior on you or anyone else you care about.

 

[57classic]

Thank you, that is what I thought but kept doubting myself thinking maybe I needed to keep the lines of communication open. Now I know that I can be cordial when they call but will not initate anything short of a funeral notice.

 

[PatriceA]

Thank you, that is what I thought but kept doubting myself thinking maybe I needed to keep the lines of communication open. Now I know that I can be cordial when they call but will not initate anything short of a funeral notice.

I keep a window open, I’m always open to hope and pray that one day the other person will take responsibility for their part of the relationship. But for me, forgiving doesn’t mean I do my part AND theirs to keep the relationship healthy. I think that’s what forgiveness means in difficult relationships, you always hope that things can get better. People can change, but they have to want to first.