What should be done when sexually frustrated and single? How can one be content?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ethereality
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

ethereality

Guest
I’m quitting pornography, indulging in sexual fantasy, and masturbation “cold turkey”, and appear to be undergoing withdrawal from a sex addiction (I am irritable and jittery): It has been fifteen days since I’ve looked at lustful material or indulged in sexual fantasy, and thirteen since I’ve experienced a sexual climax. Any thoughts on how long this anxiety, jitteriness, and most importantly, irritability will last? (I’ve also had periods of fatigue where I’ve not felt like doing anything – perhaps a consequence of loneliness, which of course the sexual fantasy was a maladaptive coping mechanism to address.)

In addition to the following activities, what can be done to counter sexual frustration and feelings of sexual arousal?

  1. *]Exercise.
    *]Work (occupy the mind with other matters).
    *]Pray.
    *]Avoid near occasions of sin.
    *]Maintain custody of the eyes (e.g. looking at indecently dressed people).
    *]Change one’s attitude. Remind oneself of the benefits gained and reasons for the new lifestyle.

    My irritability is currently a serious problem. What can be done to decrease irritability? How can I be sexually content being single? I am open to the possibility of marriage, but it is not currently possible, and apparently will not be possible for at least another four-to-seven years.

    Related threads: WhiteRabbit333’s March 2013 “Sexual Frustration”
 
Why four to seven years? I mean, you certainly want to have your bad habits under control before engaging in a marriage, but do you think it will take you that long? All single people have to deal with some level of temptation, certainly, but I think that once you have gotten into some more chaste habits, it will be much easier for you, especially if you replace them with the things you have mentioned. The only suggestion I could add is a recreational hobby that you enjoy.
 
I think it helps to study and learn the Church’s theology of the body and the sacredness of one’s gifts of fertility. This can help mature the soul beyond thinking that in order to be “content” one must engage in sexual activity, which is a fallacy. It also helps to understand the damage caused by illicit sexual activity. Even with masturbation, I think C.S. Lewis offers excellent insight:
*For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.

Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself…After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”
  • Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson (found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3)*Courtesy of Matt Fradd’s blog.
 
Although I don’t suffer from unwanted sexual thoughts, I do suffer from unwanted anxious thoughts, and am currently in therapy to address this. My therapist has suggested that trying to simply stop from the thoughts from occurring rarely works (and my experience suggests she is right about this.) Rather, what I am trying to do now is notice the thoughts when they occur, and then refuse to engage them. Allow them to exist, don’t beat myself up about them as another sign that I am not “cured” yet, but noticing that they are there and that I don’t have to engage them if I don’t want to will probably lessen their occurrence over time, and in the meantime, the anxiety is already decreasing. I don’t have to engage them if they occur.

I wonder if a similar idea might not work for you with unwanted sexual thoughts.

You might also consider that if your vocation is marriage, you will never be “sexually content” while single. And even if your vocation wasn’t marriage, it’s not as if priests or religious go around never having a sexual thought, or even that if they have one they’ve automatically committed a sin.

You might be able to offer up the frustration you feel, as well (and I don’t mean this in a “suck it up” sense at all).
 
pensmama87 said:
Although I don’t suffer from unwanted sexual thoughts, I do suffer from unwanted anxious thoughts, and am currently in therapy to address this. My therapist has suggested that trying to simply stop from the thoughts from occurring rarely works (and my experience suggests she is right about this.) Rather, what I am trying to do now is notice the thoughts when they occur, and then refuse to engage them. Allow them to exist, don’t beat myself up about them as another sign that I am not “cured” yet, but noticing that they are there and that I don’t have to engage them if I don’t want to will probably lessen their occurrence over time, and in the meantime, the anxiety is already decreasing. I don’t have to engage them if they occur.

I wonder if a similar idea might not work for you with unwanted sexual thoughts.

You might also consider that if your vocation is marriage, you will never be “sexually content” while single. And even if your vocation wasn’t marriage, it’s not as if priests or religious go around never having a sexual thought, or even that if they have one they’ve automatically committed a sin.

You might be able to offer up the frustration you feel, as well (and I don’t mean this in a “suck it up” sense at all).
Click to expand...
I think this is why people in past centuries married young…or became Eunochs ouch!

Seriously though…get an accountability partner. Someone you know and trust and can meet face to face. That one who can help keep you in check.
 
Exercise the body and also exercise the mind and also exercise the heart. Try to find some fulfilling intellectual and charitable pursuits that you didn’t have before. Mortification of the spirit must be simultaneous with expanding yourself. Sex is sort of the automatic fall-back desire whenever there’s nothing else to focus your desires on. It’s very unusual for a person to be lazy / bored a lot and not also engaged to some extent in sexual sin, whether its social sexual sin or personal sin.

Depending on your circumstances, starting to date people is also very helpful for this. I think it can be beneficial for a person to give themselves a cool-off period when first breaking away from sexual sin, to let its grip over them lessen, but if people waited until they had an absolutely pure heart before finding a spouse, then the human race would have went extinct with the first couple. Of course, once in a relationship, a couple might likewise struggle with keeping themselves pure, in which case they may have to regulate when and where they spend time together, but this is also further motivation until marriage.

On the subject of prayer: devotion and adoration of Mary has been very helpful for me in this regard. In my anecdotal experience, women seem to be more Marian, but I feel like she’s actually the most beneficial to us guys, and we just miss out on using her motherly care 😛 Pray for her intercession and have her guide you along in purity and contentment. I never prayed to a maternal figure before in my life up until a few months ago, and my prayer time has been greatly enriched from it.
 
“I am open to the possibility of marriage, but it is not currently possible, and apparently will not be possible for at least another four-to-seven years.”

I assume that the problem is that you’re in school and won’t be out for 4-7 years? The good news is that you may find it easier to be chaste when you have a good woman in mind, a date chosen, and there is a finish line in sight. So, even if you don’t think you can marry for 4-7 years, once you have a track record with chastity, I would encourage you to get out there and date or at least to meet nice young women.

Here are a few more thoughts:
  1. Marriage isn’t the end of chastity and self-control, but the beginning. A married man will have many opportunities to practice abstinence–when his wife is sick, when travelling for work, when his wife is travelling, if a doctor orders “pelvic rest” in case of a high-risk pregnancy, during the post-partum recovery period, to space pregnancies while practicing NFP, etc. Be prepared. The skills you learn now will come in useful later.
  2. There are a lot of fun things that will be harder to do once you have family responsibilities (even going to see a movie can turn into a $50 event when you need to minimally buy two tickets and pay a sitter). Talk to your older friends and relatives and develop a single guy bucket list. Enjoy your time as a single guy.
  3. Prepare yourself for family responsibilities (again, ask family and friends what skills they wished they had learned at your age). Have fun, but be sensible with money. Don’t take out unnecessary debt (it’s very painful to pay off with a growing family), control your living expenses, try to sell stuff you no longer need, take a personal finance class (like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University), read up on personal finance, try to make money in the summer if it’s at all possible, learn to do basic household tasks, learn to cook (you can save huge amounts of money), maybe take a cooking class, learn about nutrition, etc. That’s a long list, but at least some of the items will give you opportunities to meet nice girls.
Best wishes!
 
Marriage is not a cure for sex addiction. If anything, marriage will magnify the negative consequences of an addiction.

If you do have an addiction as you claim, you won’t be able to beat this by yourself. My suggestion is to start seeing a therapist who can help get to the root causes of your addiction.

The good news is that you recognize you have a problem now when you’re single. Work on your recovery so that you are ready when the right woman comes along.
 
Allegra,
Why four to seven years? I mean, you certainly want to have your bad habits under control before engaging in a marriage, but do you think it will take you that long?
Click to expand...
That time frame is how long I think it will take me to find a mate and discern marriage. I was not implying that much time would be needed to learn to live chastely (which the Catechism, or perhaps Bl. John Paul II, says is not something that one masters in a definitive sense, but is rather a daily struggle that becomes easier with practice).

Your suggestion of hobbies is well appreciated.

MarcoPolo,
Great C.S. Lewis excerpt. Thanks. I suppose I should read more of his writings. It does seem that the C.S. Lewis biographer guest on Catholic Answers (summer 2009 as I recall) is on the right track in suggesting that if Lewis were alive today, he would be Catholic.

pensmama,
Thanks for the thoughts, though it does raise the question of culpability for semi-lucid dreams, where this sexual tension is often manifested.
Some great comments, thanks for the perspective and well-wishes. On one hand it helps; on the other it doesn’t make it any easier. I’d rather not be in the business of carrying crosses; God seems a Divine Taskmaster rather than a Heavenly Father…
 
Let me also add the following from Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (from Dec. 1, 1982 audience)
*2. The truth according to which marriage as a sacrament of redemption is given to the “man of concupiscence” as a grace and at the same time as an ethos, has also found particular expression in the teaching of St. Paul, especially in the seventh chapter of the First Letter to the Corinthians. The Apostle, comparing marriage with virginity (or with “celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven”) and deciding for the “superiority” of virginity, the Apostle observes at the same time that “each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (1 Cor 7:7). On the basis of the mystery of redemption, a special “gift,” that is, a grace, corresponds to marriage. In the same text, giving advice to those to whom he is writing, the Apostle recommends marriage “because of the temptation to immorality” (ib. 7:2). Later he recommends to the married couple that “the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (ib. 7:3). He continues thus: **“It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (ib. 7:9).
  1. These statements of St. Paul have given rise to the opinion that marriage constitutes a specific remedy for concupiscence.** However, as we have already observed, St. Paul teaches explicitly that marriage has a corresponding special “gift,” and that in the mystery of redemption marriage is given to a man and a woman as a grace. In his striking and at the same time paradoxical words, St. Paul simply expresses the thought that marriage is assigned to the spouses as an ethos. In the Pauline words, “It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion,” the verb ardere signifies a disorder of the passions, deriving from the concupiscence of the flesh. (Concupiscence is presented in a similar way in the Old Testament by Sirach; cf. Sir 23:17.) However, marriage signifies the ethical order, which is consciously introduced in this context. It can be said that marriage is the meeting place of eros with ethos and of their mutual compenetration in the heart of man and of woman, as also in all their mutual relationships.*Some the language here is a little high, but think of “ethos” as “ethical.” In other words, that sexuality within marriage is ethical, and outside of marriage is a “disorder.” He goes on to repeat the whole “spousal meaning” of the body in subsequent paragraphs, which is how our bodies make sense only in light of committed union with the other gender. That’s why extra-marital sexual activity is an affront to the “gift,” the Pope is speaking about in the above paragraphs.
It also can help to call on your guardian angel or St. Michael for assistance in shooing away evil spirits the moment you sense temptation approaching.

Anyway, if you fall, remember, you can always get back up in the sacrament of confession! That is a good discipline for the soul. :o
 
In what way is God more of a Divine Taskmaster than a Heavenly Father?
 
ethereality said:
I’m quitting pornography, indulging in sexual fantasy, and masturbation “cold turkey”, and appear to be undergoing withdrawal from a sex addiction (I am irritable and jittery): It has been fifteen days since I’ve looked at lustful material or indulged in sexual fantasy, and thirteen since I’ve experienced a sexual climax. Any thoughts on how long this anxiety, jitteriness, and most importantly, irritability will last? (I’ve also had periods of fatigue where I’ve not felt like doing anything – perhaps a consequence of loneliness, which of course the sexual fantasy was a maladaptive coping mechanism to address.)

In addition to the following activities, what can be done to counter sexual frustration and feelings of sexual arousal?

  1. *]Exercise.
    *]Work (occupy the mind with other matters).
    *]Pray.
    *]Avoid near occasions of sin.
    *]Maintain custody of the eyes (e.g. looking at indecently dressed people).
    *]Change one’s attitude. Remind oneself of the benefits gained and reasons for the new lifestyle.

    My irritability is currently a serious problem. What can be done to decrease irritability? How can I be sexually content being single? I am open to the possibility of marriage, but it is not currently possible, and apparently will not be possible for at least another four-to-seven years.

    Related threads: WhiteRabbit333’s March 2013 “Sexual Frustration”
Click to expand...

  1. Go to fhu.com
    You will get help there. They have a stress tape that will help you.
 
ethereality said:
My irritability is currently a serious problem. What can be done to decrease irritability? How can I be sexually content being single? I am open to the possibility of marriage, but it is not currently possible, and apparently will not be possible for at least another four-to-seven years
Click to expand...
I don’t understand your reference to “4 to 7 years”, nor the explanation of it you give in another post above. And what do you mean by “apparently”? And by “not currently possible” - do you mean anything more than you don’t currently have someone available to marry? I assume you are of adult age and unmarried? Is there some more context you can share?

I note that missing from your list of things to do is a most important item - the involvement at a social level with friends, including women. Socially engaging with women may not counter sexual arousal, but may put it into a healthier context where you are less inclined to be attracted to it as a selfish, solo activity. And of course, you may meet someone that causes you to rethink “4 to 7 years” assessment.
 
It absolutely does not take 4 to 7 years to discern marriage. I’ve got a baby due in a month and my husband and I have only just known each other four years.
 
Groo said:
In what way is God more of a Divine Taskmaster than a Heavenly Father?
Click to expand...
This question is really a topic for another thread, but in summary, God gives us a list of things to do and not do, while appearing absent (or at least constrained to a church, in the Sacraments) when we need Him. I use the example of a child being beaten on a playground as an analogy demonstrating the difficulty in conceiving of God as a ‘Father’: If a man sees his child being overwhelmed and beaten on a playground, he will intervene and save him, if he is a good father. God, by contrast, lets the beating continue, even to the point of death (e.g. the Holocaust), and usually does not intervene. “Oh, but God saves us spiritually.” Again, that’s only if we take the initiative to go to church, to receive the sacraments of the Eucharist and Confession. (God again does not intervene.) “No, see, it’s only man’s response to grace that brings his actions about: God initiates man’s response. Likewise, God acts through men.” The difficulty here is that one is assuming what must be proven (begging the question). Put another way, if God is a being distinct from man, then where are His actions distinct from man’s? It is only clear that God is truly acting when miracles occur, or where Jesus has acted historically. Jesus ascended 2,000 years ago, thus apart from miracles (which are extremely rare), it is not clear that God is doing anything today. As I said, this is really a topic for another thread, but I hope this rough outline of the problem helps.
ventura2323 said:
Go to fhu.com
You will get help there. They have a stress tape that will help you.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the reference. I hope it is free, because I cannot afford to buy anything.
Rau said:
I don’t understand your reference to “4 to 7 years”, nor the explanation of it you give in another post above. And what do you mean by “apparently”? And by “not currently possible” - do you mean anything more than you don’t currently have someone available to marry? I assume you are of adult age and unmarried? Is there some more context you can share?
Click to expand...
I am currently unemployed, living with my parents in a small government town: There are nearly no adults my age living in this city. I will need to procure a job and move to a different city. In order to procure a livelihood and be able to support a family, I will need to obtain a PhD, which means going back to university. Thus, it will take me nearly four years before I am in a position to marry (move to a different city, get a PhD, get a job), and then it appears to take one-to-three years as a minimum to meet various young adults, date, become serious with one in particular, and discern marriage, arriving at my estimate of four to seven years.

By the way, I am surprised and disheartened by the polling results, making me wonder if most people here are in their forties: Today, with society’s requirement that both sexes attend university and pursue careers, marriage before one’s late twenties appears nearly impossible.
Rau said:
I note that missing from your list of things to do is a most important item - the involvement at a social level with friends, including women. Socially engaging with women may not counter sexual arousal, but may put it into a healthier context where you are less inclined to be attracted to it as a selfish, solo activity.
Click to expand...
Correct, and I think my clarification above explains why. It is not currently possible for me to have a significant social life in this city. I would need to drive thirty minutes in one direction to attend social events in a different city, and that raises questions of pollution (automobile), cost (paying for gas and vehicle wear, and the social events’ cost, while unemployed), and time (transportation + social event, takes away from my time seeking university and job applications, and studying for entrance examinations).
Allegra said:
It absolutely does not take 4 to 7 years to discern marriage. I’ve got a baby due in a month and my husband and I have only just known each other four years.
Click to expand...
Lucky you, but I did not say that. I said [based on my current situation] that marriage would not be possible for me until that time in the future, which is a different statement.
 
ethereality said:
This question is really a topic for another thread, but in summary, God gives us a list of things to do and not do, while appearing absent (or at least constrained to a church, in the Sacraments) when we need Him. I use the example of a child being beaten on a playground as an analogy demonstrating the difficulty in conceiving of God as a ‘Father’: If a man sees his child being overwhelmed and beaten on a playground, he will intervene and save him, if he is a good father. God, by contrast, lets the beating continue, even to the point of death (e.g. the Holocaust), and usually does not intervene. “Oh, but God saves us spiritually.” Again, that’s only if we take the initiative to go to church, to receive the sacraments of the Eucharist and Confession. (God again does not intervene.) “No, see, it’s only man’s response to grace that brings his actions about: God initiates man’s response. Likewise, God acts through men.” The difficulty here is that one is assuming what must be proven (begging the question). Put another way, if God is a being distinct from man, then where are His actions distinct from man’s? It is only clear that God is truly acting when miracles occur, or where Jesus has acted historically. Jesus ascended 2,000 years ago, thus apart from miracles (which are extremely rare), it is not clear that God is doing anything today. As I said, this is really a topic for another thread, but I hope this rough outline of the problem help

IT IS ABSOLUTELY FREE.i PROMISE YOU.

Thanks for the reference. I hope it is free, because I cannot afford to buy anything.

I am currently unemployed, living with my parents in a small government town: There are nearly no adults my age living in this city. I will need to procure a job and move to a different city. In order to procure a livelihood and be able to support a family, I will need to obtain a PhD, which means going back to university. Thus, it will take me nearly four years before I am in a position to marry (move to a different city, get a PhD, get a job), and then it appears to take one-to-three years as a minimum to meet various young adults, date, become serious with one in particular, and discern marriage, arriving at my estimate of four to seven years.

By the way, I am surprised and disheartened by the polling results, making me wonder if most people here are in their forties: Today, with society’s requirement that both sexes attend university and pursue careers, marriage before one’s late twenties appears nearly impossible.

Correct, and I think my clarification above explains why. It is not currently possible for me to have a significant social life in this city. I would need to drive thirty minutes in one direction to attend social events in a different city, and that raises questions of pollution (automobile), cost (paying for gas and vehicle wear, and the social events’ cost, while unemployed), and time (transportation + social event, takes away from my time seeking university and job applications, and studying for entrance examinations).

Lucky you, but I did not say that. I said [based on my current situation] that marriage would not be possible for me until that time in the future, which is a different statement.
Click to expand...
 
40.png
ventura2323:
don’t be disheartened. Don’t be so negative, where there is life, there is hope.
fhu.com is absolutely free. You can get it by just reading the site.
 
To Ethereality:

May I ask your age, and in what field do you have a degree? What area or field of employment do you seek?
 
It’s definitely tough. I’m 34 and have a high sex drive and suffer from the same thing. I have no prospects for marriage and no realistic hope to ever be married. I give in to sin sometimes, even for extended periods of time, but I try to climb out. I’ve never been able to go more than about 2 weeks before giving in. Mainly due to not being able to think of much else and the previously mentioned irritability.
 
Rau said:
To Ethereality:

May I ask your age, and in what field do you have a degree? What area or field of employment do you seek?
Click to expand...
By the way, I ask this in order to understand the restrictions you say you face now and over the next few years, and perhaps to suggest some alternatives or workarounds.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top