What should I do when my friend outright tells me that he is sinning gravely?

[Holly3278]

Hi everyone. Last night, I was talking to my best friend who will remain unnamed. Anyway, he outright told me over the internet that he was viewing pornography. I didn’t know what to do. I told him that I could not condone his actions. This got in to an argument where he thought I was judging him and I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, if a person is speeding towards a bridge that is out, the best thing to do would be to warn them that the bridge is out, right? He already knows that viewing pornography is a grave sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church but he does not agree with the Catholic Church on hardly anything. He is an Agnostic. He hopes that there is a God but he does not know that there is a God. What am I supposed to do? Should I just simply say something like “Oh ok.” when he tells me this and leave it at that or should I tell him that it is wrong? He already knows that it is wrong so what good would it do to tell him that when he disagrees with me? I’m so confused. Please help!

 

[baltobetsy]

Darrell: I’ve been watching a lot of great internet porn lately.

Holly: You know that’s wrong!

Darrell: Who are you to judge me?? You’re not supposed to judge!

Holly: It’s perfectly right and even REQUIRED to judge actions - and that action is WRONG!! I didn’t say you were bad, I said your action was wrong.

Darrell: Grumble, grumble…

Holly: Next time, I don’t want to hear about it. This discussion is fruitless every time.

Betsy

 

[kage_ar]

If your friend has no faith, he is not going to respond to faith based arguments. He is looking at the exploitation of women. It is degrading, treats them as less. Those women are somebody’s daughter, sister, mom - they deserve respect and not to be treated as objects.

You would also be wise to limit your time with “bad companions” and find some friends who will encourage you in your walk with God.

 

[Holly3278]

Darrell: I’ve been watching a lot of great internet porn lately.

Holly: You know that’s wrong!

Darrell: Who are you to judge me?? You’re not supposed to judge!

Holly: It’s perfectly right and even REQUIRED to judge actions - and that action is WRONG!! I didn’t say you were bad, I said your action was wrong.

Darrell: Grumble, grumble…

Holly: Next time, I don’t want to hear about it. This discussion is fruitless every time.

Betsy

Hmmm, thanks for this. I will consider letting the conversation go like this in the future. I was hoping that my best friend would go unnamed for the sake of his privacy but all well.

 

[Holly3278]

If your friend has no faith, he is not going to respond to faith based arguments. He is looking at the exploitation of women. It is degrading, treats them as less. Those women are somebody’s daughter, sister, mom - they deserve respect and not to be treated as objects.

You would also be wise to limit your time with “bad companions” and find some friends who will encourage you in your walk with God.

Ok, thanks Kage_ar. I haven’t been spending much time with him lately but we do talk online every night. Anyway, please pray for him and I. Thank you.

 

[Holly3278]

If your friend has no faith, he is not going to respond to faith based arguments. He is looking at the exploitation of women. It is degrading, treats them as less. Those women are somebody’s daughter, sister, mom - they deserve respect and not to be treated as objects.

You would also be wise to limit your time with “bad companions” and find some friends who will encourage you in your walk with God.

Hi Kage_ar. I was doing a little bit of thinking and I was thinking that if I limited my time with him, he would only be offended by this. We are best friends. I don’t know how to limit my time with him without him getting offended and thinking that I am wanting to call the friendship off altogether or something like that. Is there any way that I can still remain best friends with him and still see him as much as I normally do but avoid conversations such as these and avoid situations such as these?

I am thinking that perhaps I should get more devout Catholic friends who would be willing to hang out with me and then when he comes over, invite the other friends over as well so that way I can imitate their more experienced Catholic behavior and learn from them and also he would learn from them as well. Would this be a good idea or not?

 

[kage_ar]

There is an old saying, “if you hang around a barber shop long enough, sooner or later you are going to get a haircut”.

The idea is that the people you are around do have an influence on you. Joining in activities with other Catholics and inviting him along is a great idea.

Remaining in a one-on-one exclusive best friends situation with someone who is of the opposite sex and is hostile to your beliefs is not a wise thing to do.

If he is a real friend who cares about you and your well being, he will respect your beliefs and encourage you to grow in your faith. People who do respect your faith are not real friends, they have other motives.

 

[Holly3278]

There is an old saying, “if you hang around a barber shop long enough, sooner or later you are going to get a haircut”.

The idea is that the people you are around do have an influence on you. Joining in activities with other Catholics and inviting him along is a great idea.

Remaining in a one-on-one exclusive best friends situation with someone who is of the opposite sex and is hostile to your beliefs is not a wise thing to do.

If he is a real friend who cares about you and your well being, he will respect your beliefs and encourage you to grow in your faith. People who do respect your faith are not real friends, they have other motives.

Hi Kage_ar. Your post makes a lot of sense except for the very last sentence. I assume that you meant to say “People who do not respect your faith are not real friends, they have other motives.”

That said, I hope that you are not offended by me corecting you if indeed that is what I am doing. I am only trying to make sure that I am understanding you correctly.

Anyway, I will try to make more Catholic friends and will start hanging out with him and them together. Thanks.

 

[kage_ar]

Hi Kage_ar. Your post makes a lot of sense except for the very last sentence. I assume that you meant to say “People who do not respect your faith are not real friends, they have other motives.”

That said, I hope that you are not offended by me corecting you if indeed that is what I am doing. I am only trying to make sure that I am understanding you correctly.

Anyway, I will try to make more Catholic friends and will start hanging out with him and them together. Thanks.

No offense, my fingers get ahead of my brain sometimes

 

[Holly3278]

No offense, my fingers get ahead of my brain sometimes

Don’t feel bad. The same thing happens to me every now and then.

 

[Doople]

There are good non-religious reasons one should not view porn. It belittles women and those in the industry are often abused, not payed, or both. Many are underage or are not consenting to being filmed. Others are emotionally manipulated into the industry. If you would like to pursue helping him not watch porn, you could look into some of these grave side effects of the sex industry, but otherwise, just ask him not to mention it to you.

 

[Dameedna]

Biggest reason of all.

Watching Porn, will degrade his sex life dismally.

Sigh…it would take too long to describe why at this point, but this can and has been shown by many studies on this issue.

Claiming to an athiest or agnostic that “your” world view is right and “their” world view is wrong because you believe in something that cannot be veriffied…well…it’s not the way to go.

Why is Porn wrong?. If you cannot show why it is wrong beyond a religious context, than yes…he will see it as judgement. And even then when you tell him he is sinning, can you honestly say you don’t sin all the time?

It’s a bit hypocrytical which your friend has highlighted. Maybe you should just care about him, and when he asks for your opinion give it in a way that can help him. IE through scientific studies that show’s it’s harm, not “Cause God told me so, and you are just bad bad bad…cause God said”.

When you want to help an individual, you need to help them in a way they can relate to. Not in your own way.

 

[TLM08]

MORALITY ASIDE:

Pornography consumption is almost exactly like alcohol in it’s effect on people and relationships. There are individuals and even couples who use these things in moderation and believe they enhance the enjoyment of life. I am speaking of the more tame variety of “erotic” material, not the violent stuff. This material absolutely does not always lead to bankruptcy, child molestation, unemployment, violence, blindness, divorce and life in the gutter.

People who are fighting the porn wars really need to stop beating this drum because they automatically loose credibility with the very people they are trying to reach.

On the other hand, there both can lead addiction, severe dysfunction, and broken families. By and large, the stuff can be dangerous and it’s probably best to avoid it. Approaching a non-believer on the issue of pornography cannot be based upon moral grounds. If your friend’s pornography use bothers you, then you should perhaps terminate the friendship.

 

[TLM08]

There are good non-religious reasons one should not view porn. It belittles women and those in the industry are often abused, not payed, or both. Many are underage or are not consenting to being filmed. Others are emotionally manipulated into the industry. If you would like to pursue helping him not watch porn, you could look into some of these grave side effects of the sex industry, but otherwise, just ask him not to mention it to you.

Porn does not belittle women any more than it belittles the men who watch it. You make good points though. Have you ever seen men leaving an X-Rated theater? They hide their faces, and walk out quickly so nobody recognizes them.

What bothers me more these days is the “mainstreaming” of porn and the unregulated availability of it on the internet where kids can be exposed. Pornographers and porn stars are regularly welcomed at Hollywood events and are featured in stories on network television. I don’t think this country is headed in the right direction.

 

[GraceDK]

Hi everyone. Last night, I was talking to my best friend who will remain unnamed. Anyway, he outright told me over the internet that he was viewing pornography. I didn’t know what to do. I told him that I could not condone his actions. This got in to an argument where he thought I was judging him and I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, if a person is speeding towards a bridge that is out, the best thing to do would be to warn them that the bridge is out, right? He already knows that viewing pornography is a grave sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church but he does not agree with the Catholic Church on hardly anything. He is an Agnostic. He hopes that there is a God but he does not know that there is a God. What am I supposed to do? Should I just simply say something like “Oh ok.” when he tells me this and leave it at that or should I tell him that it is wrong? He already knows that it is wrong so what good would it do to tell him that when he disagrees with me? I’m so confused. Please help!

 

[GraceDK]

Hi everyone. Last night, I was talking to my best friend who will remain unnamed. Anyway, he outright told me over the internet that he was viewing pornography. I didn’t know what to do. I told him that I could not condone his actions. This got in to an argument where he thought I was judging him and I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, if a person is speeding towards a bridge that is out, the best thing to do would be to warn them that the bridge is out, right? He already knows that viewing pornography is a grave sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church but he does not agree with the Catholic Church on hardly anything. He is an Agnostic. He hopes that there is a God but he does not know that there is a God. What am I supposed to do? Should I just simply say something like “Oh ok.” when he tells me this and leave it at that or should I tell him that it is wrong? He already knows that it is wrong so what good would it do to tell him that when he disagrees with me? I’m so confused. Please help!

oopss… here we go
Dont give up… and dont let any one tell you to just not do anything. First of all… make your friend feel ackward by directing his attention to the fact that most young ladies with a healthy self-understanding are deeply repulsed at pornography.
Chances are that if you are an otherwise knowlegable person who lives a holy life, has good reasons for her beliefs and whom he normally respects, he will care about your oppinion and listen.
He is acting provoked because he is trying to defend himself… thats a good sign that he knows he is acting lower than a beast when he watches that nasty stuff.

You should tell him that pornography messes with the brain, this is a sceintific fact. There was a study at one time in America a few years ago where it was proven that sexual crime is directly linked with porn-viewing and even men here on these boards will testify that viewing porn over some time messes with their mind so they cannot have healthy relationships as they start to objectify women as well as misuse their own sexuality.
Their brain gets wired to viewing more and more hardcore porn in order to get the same response. Thus the level of perversion grows and grows.
The viewing of child porn and animal porn is probably also an effect that “regular” sex has become boring to the man who has viewed it a long time.
A friend of mine told me: “I had a boy friend who kept complaining about the size of my breats… even though I have a fairly large bra size”. Her boyfriend also watched porn. Do you think he will make a good husband some day or will he make every woman he ever meet feel inadequate and not good enough?

Direct your friend’s attention to the internet pages made for people who struggle deeply with the effects of pornaddiction. These pages are also filled with women and children whose husbands and fathers have ruined their marriage, families, ruined the self respect of their viwes and their well being.

I have seen posts by women who were married to such men and some of these women were suicidal because of their husbands adultery with porn… and they were not religious women so this is not “a religious issue” but a problem for society that undermines all decency. Pornography is addictive.

So, beware with your friend… He is getting into deep water. And his sharing the fact with you means he is thinking its alright.

I urge you to give him Jason Everts booklet: Romance without Regret… Or view this page: www.pureloveclub.com for great articles and resources…
I have shared the teaching of the church and these resources from Jason Evert (who used to watch porn) with non believing men and women and they have been humbled to admit some things and to turn their life around because of what they realised…

Dont give up on your friend.
But be very careful… God bless you.
Grace

 

[mdgspencer]

The first thing to do for your friend is to start praying.
It is good to tell him it is wrong, but if he will not listen, it can be better to be silent, and pray.
Orthodox Catholic firends can be good for a Catholic in more ways than one. Whether or not to continue being best friends with this person is up to your discernment as to what is best. You should try to see your relationship as best you can in light of God.

 

[Jennifer_J]

MORALITY ASIDE:

Pornography consumption is almost exactly like alcohol in it’s effect on people and relationships. There are individuals and even couples who use these things in moderation and believe they enhance the enjoyment of life. I am speaking of the more tame variety of “erotic” material, not the violent stuff. This material absolutely does not always lead to bankruptcy, child molestation, unemployment, violence, blindness, divorce and life in the gutter.

People who are fighting the porn wars really need to stop beating this drum because they automatically loose credibility with the very people they are trying to reach.

On the other hand, there both can lead addiction, severe dysfunction, and broken families. By and large, the stuff can be dangerous and it’s probably best to avoid it. Approaching a non-believer on the issue of pornography cannot be based upon moral grounds. If your friend’s pornography use bothers you, then you should perhaps terminate the friendship.

Porn is the degradation of the sex act. It does objectify women. It does harm society. Whether you believe this or not, that is the truth. If it’s not, would you be proud of your daughter or son being in the porn industry? Why or why not?

 

[TLM08]

Porn is the degradation of the sex act. It does objectify women. It does harm society. Whether you believe this or not, that is the truth. If it’s not, would you be proud of your daughter or son being in the porn industry? Why or why not?

Pornography takes a private act and makes it public for all to see, often for the sake of making a buck. Some people use pornography, romance novels or vibrators because they are lonely.
Pornography separated love from sex and that is clearly immoral. It is also immoral to remain silent if you get undercharged a couple of dollars at the grocery store… even if you are struggling financially.

Pornography encompasses a wide range of material. Obviously hard core internet perversion can be very harmful to those who participate in it and to those who consume it. Who gets to decide? Where do we draw the line? Should we ban the Victoria Secret catalogue?

Pornography harms society? That’s interesting… Maybe it does. But consider this:

Historically, in societies that banned all pornography, women have NO rights. They are also among the most repressive and murderous societies that have ever existed. Communism and radical Islam come to mind. In these societies that ban pornography, women often cannot vote or receive formal education. They cannot work outside the home and cannot marry whom they wish.

Often in these wonderful societies (usually Islamic) that ban pornography, young girls are forced to lay still while their clitoris is cut off, (often without anesthetic). Women are considered to be the property of their husbands and fathers. Would you want to live in these societies?

 

[Jennifer_J]

Pornography encompasses a wide range of material. Obviously hard core internet perversion can be very harmful to those who participate in it and to those who consume it. Who gets to decide? Where do we draw the line? Should we ban the Victoria Secret catalogue?

Pornography harms society? That’s interesting… Maybe it does. But consider this:

Historically, in societies that banned all pornography, women have NO rights. They are also among the most repressive and murderous societies that have ever existed. Communism and radical Islam come to mind. In these societies that ban pornography, women often cannot vote or receive formal education. They cannot work outside the home and cannot marry whom they wish.

Often in these wonderful societies (usually Islamic) that ban pornography, young girls are forced to lay still while their clitoris is cut off, (often without anesthetic). Women are considered to be the property of their husbands and fathers. Would you want to live in these societies?

I don’t think the lack of porn is the reason women are mistreated in these countries. It’s not that black and white. These societies lack the idea of human diginity in general. Human life isn’t held as precious. Hurting and killing people for minor offenses is the norm.

Porn takes an act that is reserved for married people and is sacramental and cheapens and degrades it. How is this GOOD for society? What good comes from porn??

btw, I don’t allow VS catalogues in my house any more–I personally think they cross the line of good taste, I don’t need seductive poses to buy undies . Perhaps not porn, but not needed.