What should I do with Marriage?

[male23hasbro]

I just married the love of my life. We dated since we were teenager. We didn’t have sex while we dated because she said she wants to keep it after we got married. I respect that, and I didn’t question it. When we graduated from high school, she went to college in another city from mine. But we still dated at that time. I usually visited her in her campus twice a month. For the record, I didn’t see another women except her for the whole of my life. And I stay virgin, never cheated with another woman, all just for her. But after we married, I found out that she’s not a virgin anymore. She said she loose it while she was in college. she accused me of being not a virgin like her too when I said I am still a virgin to respect our agreement. She said it’s impossible for a young man like me to never have a sex at all.

She said it was not a big deal, which I kind of agree. She said what the important thing is that I still love her. I do still love her. But I feel cheated, betrayed. And I can’t shake that feeling of being cheated and betrayed from my mind.

What should I do? I want to keep my marriage. But every time I remember the thing, I feel angry. I feel tricked. But then I remember I still love her. I can’t live like that. What hurts the most is, it is implied that she slept with not only one guy during her college days.

Please tell me what should I do?

 

[chipeto]

That is really tough, and you have my sympathy. It sounds like she was your girlfriend at the time she slept with at least one other man, which is indeed a betrayal. And then she swept it all under the covers until after the marriage. I don’t know why you would agree with her that it is not a big deal; it would be to me. I would be outraged, and she would know it.

I’ve heard stories from men in similar situations, and my observation is that the feelings you are experiencing are not going to just go away. Left undealt with, they will fester. I would suggest that you have a very frank, non-confrontational discussion with your wife, but it sounds like she is already defensive. In that case, you should seek the assistance of a third party such as a priest or counselor that you can talk to together.

If it were me, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that we are going to get counseling. Or else.

 

[Khalid]

If you were married under false pretences, such a lie of omission or misrepresentation (that of the virginity or lack thereof of a bride) is directly mentioned in the CIC as grounds for an annulment (declaring the marriage to be a not-marriage that never occurred). So it is a very serious sin for her to have withheld such information, and a greater sin to directly misrepresent herself in the way that she did; and a sin to have lost her virginity in college; and to have broken her oath to you and to God. You are innocent in this, completely and absolutely. The anger you feel is righteous indignation: as Christ truly said, “Whoever is angry with his brother without a reason is liable to the judgement”. You have a reason.*

If you want to keep your marriage, tell your priest of this and ask his advice; if you still wish to keep your marriage, get some marriage counselling along with your wife, to deal with betrayal, trust, etc. What you say is a very personal issue; I don’t think we can give any more advice than “seek real life help” over the internet. Trust is broken; control results. Eventually when fights break out, recrimination will follow: and this will haunt you 'til ye part, if you do not seek counselling and healing (and it may even if you do).

If I were not celibate, it would be a deal-breaker for me: I would seek the annulment, as I could not trust the woman. How could one trust such a person who has proved her utter untrustworthiness, until she be regenerated? That you are not immediately doing this says that you are holier than I; as Joseph was minded to put Mary away, believing she was unfaithful (of course, don’t carry the analogy too far, as Mary wasn’t unfaithful; the woman you speak of was; but Joseph believed Mary was unfaithful), and indeed a forgiving man: “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”. I hope that your wife truly (operative word, “truly”) repents for the myriad sins of omission and commission which weigh upon her, no matter what happens to the marriage; and I hope for God’s will to be shewn forth, and his grace and mercy also; which mercy you, in this case, wish to exemplify far better than I ever could.

I pray for you in this hour of trial, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, the only-begotten of the Father, who liveth and reigneth with the Holy Spirit, one God, eternal and changeless, unto the ages of ages. Amen.

*The modern corrupt Nestle-Aland text based on Westcott and Hort’s imaginary reconstruction of the Greek NT removes the section “without a reason”, stating that it is a sin to be angry with a brother for any reason. This is obviously a false reading, as it causes even Jesus himself to be a sinner, who was filled with righteous anger several times, most memorably at the cleansing of the Temple from moneychangers (which he did at least once, maybe twice).

 

[JRKH]

I have to say that I agree with Khalid here. Take this matter to your priest.
Just based on what you say above, this is a serious matter on several levels.

1. She does not think it is a “big deal” which seems to indicate that she is not contrite and has not confessed.
2. That she accused you of lying when you said that you were true to her while she was away at college.
3. Withholding this information from you until after the wedding.

Loving her and forgiving her are important things but in a marriage so is trust.
Also one needs a partner who is willing and able to take seriously the feelings and principles of the other. It may become necessary to forgive her and to love here - but from outside of the sacramental bond of marriage.

I know this sounds harsh…but this is why we advise you to take this to your pastor…Both of you are going to need to get spiritual guidance and counseling on this.

Peace
James

 

[adv1sor]

Even though they are most likely more knowledgable than I, I am going to disagree with the previous posters in this thread.

You just married the love of your life.

Forgive and forget the past and move forward enjoying and loving her.

Don’t pursue this issue any further and don’t even give it another thought.

I’ll pray for you, your wife, and your marriage.

 

[Jessie5000]

I just married the love of my life. We dated since we were teenager. We didn’t have sex while we dated because she said she wants to keep it after we got married. I respect that, and I didn’t question it. When we graduated from high school, she went to college in another city from mine. But we still dated at that time. I usually visited her in her campus twice a month. For the record, I didn’t see another women except her for the whole of my life. And I stay virgin, never cheated with another woman, all just for her. But after we married, I found out that she’s not a virgin anymore. She said she loose it while she was in college. she accused me of being not a virgin like her too when I said I am still a virgin to respect our agreement. She said it’s impossible for a young man like me to never have a sex at all.

She said it was not a big deal, which I kind of agree. She said what the important thing is that I still love her. I do still love her. But I feel cheated, betrayed. And I can’t shake that feeling of being cheated and betrayed from my mind.

What should I do? I want to keep my marriage. But every time I remember the thing, I feel angry. I feel tricked. But then I remember I still love her. I can’t live like that. What hurts the most is, it is implied that she slept with not only one guy during her college days.

Please tell me what should I do?

Forgiveness is a very difficult thing but it is not a feeling but a decision. We forgive and often need to remind ourself that we have forgiven. You still sound young but let me assure you that none of us escape life without making mistakes that we greatly regret. When we have wronged another we cry out for mercy but when we have been wronged it is our tendency to feel hurt and find it hard to leave the wrong we experienced in the past. If you love her, and it sounds like you do, forgive her and continue to remind yourself you have forgiven.

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing but difficult. If you keep reminding yourself that you forgave, you will eventually not be thinking of this all the time. Further it will help if daily you remind yourself of all the reasons you love her and are being blessed in your marriage. Just remember that we are all capable of hurting those we love. Marriage is very hard work and we often hurt our mates, even though this is not our intent. Over the years, you shall both hurt each other in many ways but being able to forgive and leave things in the past will bring blessings you can not even imagine.

 

[heidi_storage]

Even though they are most likely more knowledgable than I, I am going to disagree with the previous posters in this thread.

You just married the love of your life.

Forgive and forget the past and move forward enjoying and loving her.

Don’t pursue this issue any further and don’t even give it another thought.

I’ll pray for you, your wife, and your marriage.

How is the OP supposed to forget about this matter? It’s not just the whole I-was-a-virgin-and-she-wasn’t issue; as other posters mention, there’s a lot more going on here, and it must be dealt with if the OP is going to have a good marriage. I think counseling’s a good idea if the two cannot work this out themselves–hopefully, from a Christian counselor who does agree that extramarital sex is sinful.

 

[Xantippe]

Talk to your pastor, and depending on what he says:

1. Forget the whole thing happened (but do counseling and urge her to go to confession)

or

1. Pursue an annulment. (Stop having sex, obviously–if you’re not married, you shouldn’t be having sex.) If annulments are difficult to obtain in you area, you may be stuck.

I can’t say from here which is the better option, because I don’t know her. If she deceived you and is not contrite, I would lean toward annulment, as if she cheated on you while you were dating, there’s an excellent chance that she will continue to cheat, also without shame . The question is, is she just putting on a good face now? Is she secretly ashamed and guilty and just trying to brazen it out now? Also, it’s possible that the circumstances might reduce guilt.

Definitely seek counsel from your priest.

 

[bilop]

Even though they are most likely more knowledgable than I, I am going to disagree with the previous posters in this thread.

You just married the love of your life.

Forgive and forget the past and move forward enjoying and loving her.

Don’t pursue this issue any further and don’t even give it another thought.

I’ll pray for you, your wife, and your marriage.

I would say the fact that she wasn’t a virgin isn’t by itself a big deal.

But, the fact that she cheated on him, lied to him about it, and now thinks that’s nothing to worry about, is definitely a big deal.

God Bless

 

[Lasting_faith]

First of all, if you did not have sex before marriage with her, you really did not miss much. I am a whole lot older then you, son, and I can tell you that sex is not that important. Love is. If you love her, you will forgive her. Forgiveness is love as well. Sex is nice, but I have had a long time to ponder about that issue and my [final] conclusion and verdict is that it is much more important to just be close to someone. I can tell you that the best memory from my youth is not the first time I had sex, it was the first time I fell a sleep beside a girl. I can still, 38 odd years later, remember the warmth and good feeling to wrap my arm around her and just be there with her. I was fifteen then, and I still miss that feeling. So don’t feel bad. You did good by staying virgine all those years, and what ever she might have done it does not change the fact that she do love you. She made a mistake, maybe, but try to put it behind you. As I did write a few lines ago, sex is not what make a marriage good, love and affection is. After many girlfriends, one marriage and divorce and a few brief affairs after that I have been living “as a monk” for close to twenty years and what I miss is that one evening back in 1975 when I did fall a sleep beside that girl. I am sure you will find some good memories, and when you do, it does not matter what she did, all that matters is love.

 

[Xantippe]

Lasting Love said:

“I am sure you will find some good memory, and when you do, it does not matter what she did, all that matters is love.”

What if she keeps cheating?

 

[Lasting_faith]

Lasting Love said:

“I am sure you will find some good memory, and when you do, it does not matter what she did, all that matters is love.”

What if she keeps cheating?

Actually “Lastin faith” but I don’t mind.

Yes, she may cheat, but why always find the worst possible thing and think about that? The pessimist did say “the end of the world will come after one million years” and the optimist did say “no, two million years”. And I say “who cares”. What did Christ teach us about what we have to eat the next day or what to wear? If she cheat she will cheat, and when/if it happen it is no hurry to deal with it before it may happen. Have a bit of faith in mankind, you can also ask “what if she don’t cheat, then we have nothing to write about”. Every coin have a flip-side, and every cloud a silver line.

 

[Xantippe]

“Actually “Lastin faith” but I don’t mind.”

You should change your signature then–“Lasting faith” is exactly what I see on my computer.

“Yes, she may cheat, but why always find the worst possible thing and think about that? The pessimist did say “the end of the world will come after one million years” and the optimist did say “no, two million years”. And I say “who cares”. What did Christ teach us about what we have to eat the next day or what to wear? If she cheat she will cheat, and when/if it happen it is no hurry to deal with it before it may happen. Have a bit of faith in mankind, you can also ask “what if she don’t cheat, then we have nothing to write about”. Every coin have a flip-side, and every cloud a silver line.”

Let’s say they have a bunch of kids and she cheats and the marriage breaks up anyway–what a nasty and unnecessary situation to have created.

If she thinks there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then she she has no reason not to cheat.

It’s really important to find out what her thoughts are on fidelity and her ideas of the married state.

OP, how did your marriage prep go?

 

[Lasting_faith]

As I did write, let us worry about that later on, and most likely we don’t have to. I don’t know how old you are, and I don’t even know if you are a he or a she, but I am old enough to undestand, and I don’t mean to offend you, that if we constantly worry about the worst possible outcome when do we have time to enjoy our life? I did not know that my marriage would go south when I did say “I do”, if I would have known I reckon I would have said "well, actually, I think I better say “no I don’t want to”. I did mention what Christ did teach us about the next day, read it and stop being worried all the time. My marriage was pure hell, but that was my fault, BTW, but I did learn a lot about my self so it was not a complete disaster and my kids got the best possible step-father and my x the best possible new husband and I did get a life I always had been seeking, so it was good I did say “I do” but this is not helping the OP at all. Love will help him. He did write because he wanted help so let us give him help.

 

[SighGuy]

Moving on and enjoying life isn’t as simple as snapping your fingers. If it was we’d all be a lot better off.

The point is, she can’t be forgiven if she doesn’t even seek forgiveness. If she truly believes it’s just “one of those things” and she can hardly believe that he did not cheat on her, she is not contrite in her heart and she cannot (ostensibly) be forgiven by God or by him. Until she is truly contrite, this goes no further.

 

[Xantippe]

Lastin Faith,

I am 38, I’ve been married 15 years, I have three kids, and my marriage is not hell.

 

[marymary1975]

“Actually “Lastin faith” but I don’t mind.”

You should change your signature then–“Lasting faith” is exactly what I see on my computer.

“Yes, she may cheat, but why always find the worst possible thing and think about that? The pessimist did say “the end of the world will come after one million years” and the optimist did say “no, two million years”. And I say “who cares”. What did Christ teach us about what we have to eat the next day or what to wear? If she cheat she will cheat, and when/if it happen it is no hurry to deal with it before it may happen. Have a bit of faith in mankind, you can also ask “what if she don’t cheat, then we have nothing to write about”. Every coin have a flip-side, and every cloud a silver line.”

Let’s say they have a bunch of kids and she cheats and the marriage breaks up anyway–what a nasty and unnecessary situation to have created.

If she thinks there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then she she has no reason not to cheat.

It’s really important to find out what her thoughts are on fidelity and her ideas of the married state.

OP, how did your marriage prep go?

I agree with Xantippe! The problems I see here are one this girl was cheating on the OP, and second apparently she thinks that there is nothing wrong with cheating and she sees cheating as not a big deal. Whether we like it or not, truth is the best indicator for future behavior is past behavior (why do you think before getting a loan credit companies look at your past credit history??? Because by looking at your past action your future actions can be predicted). Now if someone has repented over their past and has a sincere intention to amend, that is a different story but in this case she is not repenting, she seems to think is ok to cheat and he is overreacting! How can you trust someone to be faith ful when they think cheating is ok?

He needs to find out her thoughts on fidelity and he needs to speak to priest about this matter and the validity of his marriage.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I would say the fact that she wasn’t a virgin isn’t by itself a big deal.

But, the fact that she cheated on him, lied to him about it, and now thinks that’s nothing to worry about, is definitely a big deal.

God Bless

I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, the way things are today, losing one’s virginity before marriage is rather common. Very sad, and it shouldn’t happen, but it does.

As you say, though, the cheating, lying, and refusing to accept responsibility? Plus accusing him of doing the same thing when he didn’t, and not believing him? Yeah. HUGE red flags.

OP, please go talk to a good priest and, should you decide to keep working on the marriage, ask him for a recommendation for a good marriage counselor. However, she’ll need to be willing to work on the marriage, too, for that to be a viable option.

 

[JRKH]

If I may - - -

I think that we may be beginning to read more into the OP than is actually there.
For instance…the fact that she does not see her premarital escapades as “no big thing” does not necessarily equate to her thinking that cheating on a husband is OK.
It’s just possible that she might consider fidelity within marriage to be a very important thing.

The overall issue is not one of looking at the worst - but of getting good sound answers to something that is of great concern to the OP.

A couple of people have mentioned the old “forgive and forget” adage…except that one does not forget such things. One might forgive…One might get past so that the memory has no negative hold over the emotions…but one does not forget.

The OP is concerned and hurt by this issue - and rightly so - which is why the earliest posts were to seek the counsel of their pastor.

If the marriage is to be saved there needs to be a resolution…a coming together of this couple on this issue and the possibly deeper issues that it might be (not “is” but might be) indicative of.

Seek the counsel of your pastor…

Peace
James

 

[Serap]

First of all, if you did not have sex before marriage with her, you really did not miss much. I am a whole lot older then you, son, and I can tell you that sex is not that important. Love is. If you love her, you will forgive her. Forgiveness is love as well. Sex is nice, but I have had a long time to ponder about that issue and my [final] conclusion and verdict is that it is much more important to just be close to someone. I can tell you that the best memory from my youth is not the first time I had sex, it was the first time I fell a sleep beside a girl. I can still, 38 odd years later, remember the warmth and good feeling to wrap my arm around her and just be there with her. I was fifteen then, and I still miss that feeling. So don’t feel bad. You did good by staying virgine all those years, and what ever she might have done it does not change the fact that she do love you. She made a mistake, maybe, but try to put it behind you. As I did write a few lines ago, sex is not what make a marriage good, love and affection is. After many girlfriends, one marriage and divorce and a few brief affairs after that I have been living “as a monk” for close to twenty years and what I miss is that one evening back in 1975 when I did fall a sleep beside that girl. I am sure you will find some good memories, and when you do, it does not matter what she did, all that matters is love.