What should I do with Marriage?

[Serap]

I agree that she kind of broke your trust by being dishonest with you.

What if it were about money and not virginity. What if she lied about her credit cards and after you get married, you find out that you are in debt $50,000 and that she had lied to you about it. Let’s say that before getting married you both pledged to save and you saved up $50,000 and you were counting on her savings to buy a house.

And now you find out that you both have no savings. Would you ever trust her with money again or would you blindly trust that she would never go into debt again?

Trust is important in a marriage.

 

[Rdunbar123]

Moving on and enjoying life isn’t as simple as snapping your fingers. If it was we’d all be a lot better off.

The point is, she can’t be forgiven if she doesn’t even seek forgiveness. If she truly believes it’s just “one of those things” and she can hardly believe that he did not cheat on her, she is not contrite in her heart and she cannot (ostensibly) be forgiven by God or by him. Until she is truly contrite, this goes no further.

I agree she may actually think cheating is ok and is the normal for a committed relationship. Understanding her point of view on what she did is very important.

 

[Xantippe]

Rdunbar123 said:

“I agree she may actually think cheating is ok and is the normal for a committed relationship. Understanding her point of view on what she did is very important.”

Yes!

 

[freiabereinsam]

Wow, that’s a double whammy. She refused to have sex with you and did the same with other men at once, both cheating on you and losing her virginity to another man in one moment. For me, that would definitely be too much to stay! As far as I understand, she claimed to have been a virgin before marriage. I also understand that you wouldn’t have married her if you had known the truth, which means your marriage isn’t even valid.

If I were you I would simply go for the annulment (I know, you are trying to salvage the marriage). I can’t guarantee that those bad feelings will go away, andI think they won’t). But counseling and discussion with a priest are recommended.

The worst thing here, however, is that she’s rationalizing her own wrong by considering this to not be a big deal (why do you agree with this?). Even worse, she is dodging the question by accusing you of dishonesty! How would she know if you’re a virgin or not? Getting her to reconsider this should be a bare minimum for reconciliation–how can this issue be resolved if she doesn’t even think it’s a big deal even though you do?

 

[male23hasbro]

Thanks for all the answer. I appreciate the help. I’m not yet make a decision about this, but one thing for sure : i know I can’t forgive her easily, maybe it would take years if I decided to keep the marriage before I can forgive her.

Thanks to you all.

 

[Allegra]

I agree that you need to speak to the pastor and a good Christian marriage counselor. If your wife was sorry for cheating and for decieving you, it would be an easier matter to forgive her and carry on with the marriage as planned, however, there are alot of red flags. She claims it’s “no big deal”. She accuses you of doing the same and lying about it. She attempted to decieve you instead of admitting to it. This situation can’t be resolved by simply forgiving and moving on, because the problem is still ongoing.

 

[davetv]

Generally speaking, I think you didn’t marry the girl you thought you were marrying. The girl you fell in love with. As bad/painful /uncomfortable it might feel, if I was in your shoes I would have it annulled.

 

[Lasting_faith]

OK, I am maybe a bit to liberal but I have noticed that US and Canadian Catholics do look at things in a slightly different way.

I did marry a divorced woman who had a child with her x-husband, my beautiful step-daughter, and I never did think about what she had done. We all come with a past, and the older we get the more we carry with us. That is a fact we can’t deny. This case is a bit different, I do understand that, the OP really thought he was her first and I also understand that he is hurt by the truth. What I don’t like about this thread is that most of you are judging. That will not help anyone. Yes, she made a mistake, but once again, the one without a sin may cast the first stone. Do we know the circumstances when she did “cheat” on the OP? It might have been a night with to much booze and not much to do for all that we know. I feel sorry for the OP but I am also defending his wife. It is not our job to tell anyone to get a annulment, nor to judge. We all do stupid things, but she do love him enough to marry him and that tell us something. That is maybe not the best way to begin a journey togheter, but she did confess, did she not? That is also a thing to think about. She did confess. Why? Because she feel bad about what she did. When we confess a sin we don’t think “OK, I am forgiven, and let us see now, I can do it again and confess it, again so I am good, no problems”. If she had courage and love to confess something she really did not need to do, why do you think she is a cheater for the rest of her life? She did it because she love the OP, not because she wanted to hurt him. In your minds, what would have been better? I urge you sit down for fifteen minutes and think back at your life. I think you have a whole lot of things to confess, not because you are sinners but because you are merely normal people. We are not perfect, or atleast I am not, so maybe we should take a good and thorough look at our own life before we start judging others?

As Catholics we need to defend marriage and not giving verdicts like “you should get a annulment”. This marriage is not sinking, what it need is a bit of human understanding and a lot of Christian forgiving. Yes, the OP may never forget, but if he have love enough he will forgive and that is what we should say to him. I can not help my self, I need to ask you this: how hard are you? Where is your forgiveness and faith? Or are you just so good people that you can tell others what to do in a case like this? In this case the only one who can provide a answer is a priest. And if I have offend anyone I am truly sorry.

 

[JRKH]

Lasting Faith…

I largely agree with your fine post above in that there is much that we do not know and I agree that some posts (perhaps mine included) may be “jumping the gun” or “rushing to judgement” on the matter.

That said…and believe me - I have one heck of a past to work from……This IS a serious matter and DOES need to be addressed in counseling with a priest.

But mostly I think that this thread has reached the point where it could be classed - as the moderators put it…“Question asked and answered”…and then closed.

Peace
James

 

[Xantippe]

Lastin faith said:

“Do we know the circumstances when she did “cheat” on the OP? It might have been a night with to much booze and not much to do for all that we know.”

That’s one of the things mentioned upthread–that he should figure out what the circumstances were. It does make a difference. However, there’s a risk here that if he gets too much information, it will irreparably hurt his relationship with her (too much mental imagery)–we’ve had a couple threads on that problem.

She lied (at least by omission) and she cheated, but she may not be a liar or a cheater. He’s got to figure this out–does she believe she has the right to cheat in future and that he does too, or not? He’s got to ask, but maybe only under the guidance of a priest and/or therapist.

I don’t think it’s workable to just “forgive” without adequate information and sweep this under the rug and then spend the rest of his life wondering if she’s cheating again or seething with anger about it. That’s not forgiveness and that’s not love.

“In your minds, what would have been better?”

If we think somebody might not marry us because of a fact about our past, we need to share that information with them before the wedding, so that they can freely choose to marry us with our past or not marry us.

“I urge you sit down for fifteen minutes and think back at your life. I think you have a whole lot of things to confess, not because you are sinners but because you are merely normal people. We are not perfect, or atleast I am not, so maybe we should take a good and thorough look at our own life before we start judging others?”

I shared with my fiance any information that I knew about myself that might lead him to reconsider marriage and he did the same. That is playing fair. (Other stuff has turned up since then (specifically family mental health issues), but we did fully share all of the information we had at the time.)

 

[Serap]

Thanks for all the answer. I appreciate the help. I’m not yet make a decision about this, but one thing for sure : i know I can’t forgive her easily, maybe it would take years if I decided to keep the marriage before I can forgive her.

Thanks to you all.

Have you told her this? What is she doing to make it up to you? Is she contrite at all?

She sounds like an unfit wife to me. How can you trust her again?

If she were contrite, at least you could work on it together and rebuild the trust again. If she doesn’t care, then that’s a huge red flag.

IT IS A BIG DEAL that she cheated on you and lied about it.

 

[Lasting_faith]

We all do mistakes, and sometimes it is better to not confess, honesty is good thing, we feed on honesty, but honesty is a sword that can cause more harm then good. I agree with all of you, despite my way to look at life I am a devoted Catholic who do my best to do what is right. But as said before, I think this thread will peter out and I hope some moderator will close it. Why? Look, we are all on the same side, but right now we are all defending what we think is right, not what The RCC teach, and The Church does not teach us to fight each other. We have the facts, but because someone must say it, only from one person. I am not saying the OP is not telling the truth, but I think, if we really would like to help, should have a chanse to hear also the other part. But that will not happen so all I will say about this is that please stop judging and start praying, that marriage need our prayers, so let us be Catholic’s and Christians and do what we do best, pray and try to give a good example. And for the records, I did cheat on my wife because I did seek comfort and a few hours of being with someone who wanted me, I still wonder how we did get two kids, that is a miracle, I am not proud about it, but I am also forgiven. I did not tell my wife for one simple reason, I did not wanted to hurt her. So, let us pray, and not judge, God is much better in the judging thing then we are.

 

[ela2]

Lasting Faith…

I largely agree with your fine post above in that there is much that we do not know and I agree that some posts (perhaps mine included) may be “jumping the gun” or “rushing to judgement” on the matter.

That said…and believe me - I have one heck of a past to work from……This IS a serious matter and DOES need to be addressed in counseling with a priest.

But mostly I think that this thread has reached the point where it could be classed - as the moderators put it…“Question asked and answered”…and then closed.

Peace
James

 

[BettyBoop416]

I would say the fact that she wasn’t a virgin isn’t by itself a big deal.

But, the fact that she cheated on him, lied to him about it, and now thinks that’s nothing to worry about, is definitely a big deal.

I am probably one of the more “liberal” folks on here when it comes to sex. I lost my virginity long before I met my husband, and he lost his long before he knew I even existed. To me, at this point in my life, it’s nothing I lose sleep over. However…if we had know each other and had a relationship since high school, and agreed to remain chaste until marriage, and I found out AFTER the wedding that he had, in fact, had sex with someone else while I was staying at home taking cold showers…

I’m afraid my trust in him would fly right out the window.

 

[chipeto]

We all do mistakes, and sometimes it is better to not confess, honesty is good thing, we feed on honesty, but honesty is a sword that can cause more harm then good.

Um, no, not in this case. It is sick and wrong to dupe someone into marriage through deception, whether explicitly or by omission. Let’s not be wimps about this.

The Church does not teach us to fight each other.

Who’s fighting?

We have the facts, but because someone must say it, only from one person. I am not saying the OP is not telling the truth, but I think, if we really would like to help, should have a chanse to hear also the other part.

It goes without saying that we are answering as best as we are able given the facts that are available to us. If OP is not giving us an accurate depiction, then that is on him.

But that will not happen so all I will say about this is that please stop judging and start praying, that marriage need our prayers, so let us be Catholic’s and Christians and do what we do best, pray and try to give a good example.

The OP came here for advice, and that is what he is getting. If you don’t want to participate, you don’t have to.

 

[chipeto]

if we had know each other and had a relationship since high school, and agreed to remain chaste until marriage, and I found out AFTER the wedding that he had, in fact, had sex with someone else while I was staying at home taking cold showers…

I’m afraid my trust in him would fly right out the window.

You’ve cut to the heart of the matter.

 

[thewanderer]

We all do mistakes, and sometimes it is better to not confess, honesty is good thing, we feed on honesty, but honesty is a sword that can cause more harm then good. I agree with all of you, despite my way to look at life I am a devoted Catholic who do my best to do what is right. But as said before, I think this thread will peter out and I hope some moderator will close it. Why? Look, we are all on the same side, but right now we are all defending what we think is right, not what The RCC teach, and The Church does not teach us to fight each other. We have the facts, but because someone must say it, only from one person. I am not saying the OP is not telling the truth, but I think, if we really would like to help, should have a chanse to hear also the other part. But that will not happen so all I will say about this is that please stop judging and start praying, that marriage need our prayers, so let us be Catholic’s and Christians and do what we do best, pray and try to give a good example. And for the records, I did cheat on my wife because I did seek comfort and a few hours of being with someone who wanted me, I still wonder how we did get two kids, that is a miracle, I am not proud about it, but I am also forgiven. I did not tell my wife for one simple reason, I did not wanted to hurt her. So, let us pray, and not judge, God is much better in the judging thing then we are.

The problem here isn’t just about past mistakes. It is about trust the current trust issues and whether or not the OP’s marriage is even valid. Nobody here is judging anyone, we are just pointing out that there are some very serious issues at play here that need to be addressed before forgiveness will be possible, and even once forgiveness is achieved there is no guarantee that there will be any moral requirement for the OP to attempt to fix the relationship.

 

[underacloud]

Thanks for all the answer. I appreciate the help. I’m not yet make a decision about this, but one thing for sure : i know I can’t forgive her easily, maybe it would take years if I decided to keep the marriage before I can forgive her.

Thanks to you all.

Don’t make any rash judgements based on emotions at this time. Seek advice (priest, counsellor, freinds) and try to understand the situation and your options.

But that said…

If the above is truly how you feel, then your marriage has little hope regardless. Your marriage would only be worth pursuing if you can decide to forgive. Perhaps you really meant you cannot easily forget, and that is completely understandable. But you would need to choose to forgive, if you intent to save your marriage.

If it was me…I would be exploring an annulment at this point…but I am not you of course.

 

[Annie39]

I just married the love of my life. We dated since we were teenager. We didn’t have sex while we dated because she said she wants to keep it after we got married. I respect that, and I didn’t question it. When we graduated from high school, she went to college in another city from mine. But we still dated at that time. I usually visited her in her campus twice a month. For the record, I didn’t see another women except her for the whole of my life. And I stay virgin, never cheated with another woman, all just for her. But after we married, I found out that she’s not a virgin anymore. She said she loose it while she was in college. she accused me of being not a virgin like her too when I said I am still a virgin to respect our agreement. She said it’s impossible for a young man like me to never have a sex at all.

She said it was not a big deal, which I kind of agree. She said what the important thing is that I still love her. I do still love her. But I feel cheated, betrayed. And I can’t shake that feeling of being cheated and betrayed from my mind.

What should I do? I want to keep my marriage. But every time I remember the thing, I feel angry. I feel tricked. But then I remember I still love her. I can’t live like that. What hurts the most is, it is implied that she slept with not only one guy during her college days.

Please tell me what should I do?

If she was deceptive once she’ll do it again. I agree with getting an annulment before any children arrive. The wife of a member of my family began their marriage in deception, went on to have two affairs. This last one is the clincher and is leaving her “husband” with enormous debt and trials. You may not take this advice but I hope that you will consider it. If the man in question had listened to me years ago he would not be going through this purgatory on earth.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’d probably be looking into an annulment as well.

This is why you need to to be completely honest and up front about everything before you get married.

She deceived you…big time. The way I see it, she lied and created a facade in order to convince you to marry her. She promised to remain chaste and lied when that didn’t happen.

I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her because she threw a massive wrench into this marriage.

I’d be the first one to stand up and say it doesn’t matter if one is a virgin before they get married or not…as long as they are sorry and are working hard to make amends and live chastely thereafter. Hubby and I were those people.

But if the spouse in question lied about it and isn’t sorry…well, all bets are off at this point and I’d filing divorce and annulment paperwork straight away.