What should I do?

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Steve134

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This is my first post and I am very appreciative for the opportunity to receive advice from people who “get it.”

I met a very special girl in college and dated her for 5 years, until she broke-up with me last April. We had what many people would have considered a good relationship. We went to mass together every Sunday and had all of the same goals and beliefs. Despite this, I never told her I loved her (even though I did love her) and I had many problems displaying my emotions and making her feel special. Also, whenever we argued, I could never be wrong and, therefore, never respected her opinions and feelings.

When we broke-up I was devastated and realized that I needed to change. I did change. I began pouring my heart out to her, but it was too late. I spent those days praying and hoping God would bring us back together. I never stopped loving her.

About three months after our split, I reached out to her and suggested that we go on a date. She accepted and we had a wonderful time together. We went on several dates after this and continued to have great times. One night I had a horrible dream that she was “involved” with another guy during our split. I asked her about this the next day and she told me that she had sex with a co-worker on two occasions. Not only that, but they even kissed eachother while we were still dating. She is very upset and says that she was going through the “darkest” part of her life. She realized that she only “hooked-up” with this co-worker because she wanted to find love, she was confused and angry with me. She regrets this mistake very much and wants nothing more than to be with me, happy forever.

I don’t know what to do. For the past five years I have cherished this girl and I never stopped loving her. Our communication is obviously much better now, and she says that she will do anything to help me get over this. I am pretty sure that I still love her, and I know we could have a wonderful future together. Although, I am confused and the mental images of her having sex with the other guy are **literally haunting **me. I don’t want to let her go and cause her more pain. I want to feel true love for her, but I cannot get over the past. I have forgiven her, but the images will not leave. I think all of this is normal, considering that I learned all of this only one week ago. What should I do to get over the past and truly love her the way I did before?

Thanks and God bless
 
Dear Steve,
First I want to congratulate you on your own growth and maturing process when it comes to a relationship and courting.
Now onto your dilemma. I think that this is a tough place to be in, but a Christian is patient and merciful. If she truly desires the same values and you share in goals and personality, you maybe called to marriage one day. I think for now, you both have to build trust and she especially has to show she is beyond these faults of hers. This means that she has sought forgiveness from God nad shows she wishes to grow in her faith with you again. Also this means you two show strong courage to avoid situations which may lead to both of you falling esp since she has a history of some weakness. If I where her, I would make extra effort to show I was not with some other guy and not make you wonder. With time this can get better.
Finally, you have to pray and ask Christ to place in you the same forgiveness that he shows to her. Think of the Our Father and its call to radical forgiveness to all who offend us. I say the two of you should find time before the blessed sacrament to pray together whether saying a rosary or shorter prayer.
Once you two have built that trust and shown commitment to chastity, then you can discern marriage. May God be with both of you and yes even though we may fall, we still can become Saints.
LOne1 👍
 
LittleOne1 said:
Dear Steve,
First I want to congratulate you on your own growth and maturing process when it comes to a relationship and courting.
Now onto your dilemma. I think that this is a tough place to be in, but a Christian is patient and merciful. If she truly desires the same values and you share in goals and personality, you maybe called to marriage one day. I think for now, you both have to build trust and she especially has to show she is beyond these faults of hers. This means that she has sought forgiveness from God nad shows she wishes to grow in her faith with you again. Also this means you two show strong courage to avoid situations which may lead to both of you falling esp since she has a history of some weakness. If I where her, I would make extra effort to show I was not with some other guy and not make you wonder. With time this can get better.
Finally, you have to pray and ask Christ to place in you the same forgiveness that he shows to her. Think of the Our Father and its call to radical forgiveness to all who offend us. I say the two of you should find time before the blessed sacrament to pray together whether saying a rosary or shorter prayer.
Once you two have built that trust and shown commitment to chastity, then you can discern marriage. May God be with both of you and yes even though we may fall, we still can become Saints.
LOne1 👍
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Seconded! 👍 The most important part for you to move on is communication, which is built on the foundation of mutual love, trust, and humility. This may be hard for you, but it may be a blessing in disguise as it cements your relationship down the road since the damage a betrayal can effect is already very evident for you both and you guys can already start practicing forgiveness ahead of time. Keep on sharing Christ with one another. God bless!
 
Ever think about what we look like to God? We are a bunch of very bad children that constantly do not do what we are told, at best.

You said you dated her for 5 years. No wonder she found somebody else. You gotta make up your mind. You never told her you loved her, what do you expect?

If anybody needs help, it is probably you. You took her for granted. Justice hurts doesn’t it? What do you think, that you date just to date until you are too old to get married? That is profoundly un-Catholic. You need to think of her as your equal. Every time you think of her with another guy let that inspire you to fix yourself. Even good men and women in long marriages cheat when their spouse does not meet their needs. Meet her needs, stop thinking about yourself. Or you can think about her and the other guy.

Or again, she could be a real b####. You never know. But if you would have told her you loved her and married her would the other guy have happened? I think there is a very good chance you are the bad guy here. I guess if I were her daddy I would not encourage her to marry you. Dating someone for 5 years without giving them a ring, or telling them that you love them is a sure sign that you were using her or you cannot commit. Maybe because you think you could have done better. And think of the pain you caused her. You are a stupid self centered person. Why should she think you have gotten any better? Until you put her first you shouldn’t be involved with anybody.
 
larry85704 said:
Ever think about what we look like to God? We are a bunch of very bad children that constantly do not do what we are told, at best.

You said you dated her for 5 years. No wonder she found somebody else. You gotta make up your mind. You never told her you loved her, what do you expect?

If anybody needs help, it is probably you. You took her for granted. Justice hurts doesn’t it? What do you think, that you date just to date until you are too old to get married? That is profoundly un-Catholic. You need to think of her as your equal. Every time you think of her with another guy let that inspire you to fix yourself. Even good men and women in long marriages cheat when their spouse does not meet their needs. Meet her needs, stop thinking about yourself. Or you can think about her and the other guy.

Or again, she could be a real b####. You never know. But if you would have told her you loved her and married her would the other guy have happened? I think there is a very good chance you are the bad guy here. I guess if I were her daddy I would not encourage her to marry you. Dating someone for 5 years without giving them a ring, or telling them that you love them is a sure sign that you were using her or you cannot commit. Maybe because you think you could have done better. And think of the pain you caused her. You are a stupid self centered person. Why should she think you have gotten any better? Until you put her first you shouldn’t be involved with anybody.
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Larry, I think you’re being incredibly unfair in this post. It’s clear that this guy has learned from his mistakes, and doesn’t need you to re-state them.

Sure, there may be fault on both sides. She has forgiven you for not telling her you loved her, you need to forgive her for seeking that love in the wrong ways elsewhere.

One thing is for sure, these dreams and images you have are not from God. Repent of them, confess them, avoid them. Whenever you think of that, think of your own faults instead, and how much God and your girlfriend have both forgiven you. Be encouraged.

You’ve been given a second chance with the woman you love. Believe me, not everybody gets that. Grab that chance and give thanks to God!
 
Let me ask you a serious question.

Do you want to marry someone who before the real problems of a relationship arrise already broke the 6th commandment like that?

And when the real problems arrise then what?
 
Thank you all very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I know that I need to let this go and move forward. She has told me that she will do anything to make things work and that she has never wanted anything more. If I can move forward with her and let this go, I am certain that we will develop and maintain a “model” Catholic relationship / marriage.

It sounds crazy, but I am not really hurt much by her actions. I know that she was at a very low point in her life and she just wanted to find what I wasn’t giving her. Furthermore, we were not dating, or even speaking regularly when she had sex. I have already gotten over this, especially since I feel that I did not deserve her at the time. The problem I have is simply the haunting images. I know that this stems from an obsession over her body, which I developed over time. Perhaps this obsession in itself is wrong? Every time I see her, all I can think about is her beautiful body (then the horrible images appear).

I think that these haunting images and my obsession with her body are nothing short of evil and I want to be released from them! How can I possibly let these haunting images ruin all of this potential greatness?

The two of us are going to spend an hour before the Blessed Sacrament this evening. I don’t know where I would be without my faith (and her faith).
 
Steve134 said:
This is my first post and I am very appreciative for the opportunity to receive advice from people who “get it.”

I met a very special girl in college and dated her for 5 years, until she broke-up with me last April. We had what many people would have considered a good relationship. We went to mass together every Sunday and had all of the same goals and beliefs. Despite this, I never told her I loved her (even though I did love her) and I had many problems displaying my emotions and making her feel special. Also, whenever we argued, I could never be wrong and, therefore, never respected her opinions and feelings.

When we broke-up I was devastated and realized that I needed to change. I did change. I began pouring my heart out to her, but it was too late. I spent those days praying and hoping God would bring us back together. I never stopped loving her.

About three months after our split, I reached out to her and suggested that we go on a date. She accepted and we had a wonderful time together. We went on several dates after this and continued to have great times. One night I had a horrible dream that she was “involved” with another guy during our split. I asked her about this the next day and she told me that she had sex with a co-worker on two occasions. Not only that, but they even kissed eachother while we were still dating. She is very upset and says that she was going through the “darkest” part of her life. She realized that she only “hooked-up” with this co-worker because she wanted to find love, she was confused and angry with me. She regrets this mistake very much and wants nothing more than to be with me, happy forever.

I don’t know what to do. For the past five years I have cherished this girl and I never stopped loving her. Our communication is obviously much better now, and she says that she will do anything to help me get over this. I am pretty sure that I still love her, and I know we could have a wonderful future together. Although, I am confused and the mental images of her having sex with the other guy are **literally haunting **me. I don’t want to let her go and cause her more pain. I want to feel true love for her, but I cannot get over the past. I have forgiven her, but the images will not leave. I think all of this is normal, considering that I learned all of this only one week ago. What should I do to get over the past and truly love her the way I did before?

Thanks and God bless
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Forgive her, as she has forgiven you. She has repented. She is human. We are not perfect. Stop focusing on the act itself and focus on her willingness to give YOU another chance. Drug addicts who shoot up are forgiven. Alcoholics are forgiven. Even murderers are forgiven. I can’t imagine opening myself up to a man for 5 years…giving him the best parts of who I am…only to never hear “I love you”. She probably questioned her validity as a desirable woman…so in a way your failure pushed her to fall into her own dark place. You saw the error of your ways and changed, and she forgave you. Now it’s your turn…and MOVE FORWARD.

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
(Matthew 6:14,15)

Blessings to you both.
 
Steve134 said:
The problem I have is simply the haunting images. I know that this stems from an obsession over her body, which I developed over time. Perhaps this obsession in itself is wrong? Every time I see her, all I can think about is her beautiful body (then the horrible images appear).
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The haunting images will never disappear and that includes whether you are together or not and also includes decades from now. To help limit there occurance and pain, come to an agreement to never bring it up again once you two have decided to get married. Oh, and get married.
 
Is it because you were not “there” first? Let it go. I know its hard to do. I have been in that position myself…especially since she was still talking to him after you started dating again and especially if they still work together. Is the idea of this BIGGER than the idea of losing her completely, all over again? Could you forgive yourself for that over something that she would take back if she could, but she can’t?
 
dianaballein said:
Is it because you were not “there” first? Let it go. I know its hard to do. I have been in that position myself…especially since she was still talking to him after you started dating again and especially if they still work together. Is the idea of this BIGGER than the idea of losing her completely, all over again? Could you forgive yourself for that over something that she would take back if she could, but she can’t?
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You are right (actually you are all right) I would never forgive myself if I screw this up or let her go. I should thank God for the second chance. Please pray for us, I will be sure to pray for everyone who posted here for me.
 
I am praying for you both. By forgiving, you are a man worthy of being her husband…you brought her back by setting the example! Hallelujah!!! I have such respect for you.
 
Verisimilitude said:
The haunting images will never disappear and that includes whether you are together or not and also includes decades from now. To help limit there occurance and pain, come to an agreement to never bring it up again once you two have decided to get married. Oh, and get married.
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I don’t agree with never bringing it up again. Communication is the key to healing. Just don’t use it as a “tool” during an argument or continue to remind her about it unnecessarily. That’s hurtful. Her husband should be her “safe place”.
 
dianaballein said:
I don’t agree with never bringing it up again. Communication is the key to healing. Just don’t use it as a “tool” during an argument or continue to remind her about it unnecessarily. That’s hurtful. Her husband should be her “safe place”.
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Can you think of an example, 15 years from now (assume they are married) when one or the other would need to bring this subject back up?
 
Let’s say she wants to go out with some friends from work? I

s he going to question her to see if that man would be there rather than trust her?

Will he say, “I would rather you didn’t…remember what happened the last time you hung out with work people?” T

here are all kinds of scenarios where it might pop up unecessarily.
 
dianaballein said:
Let’s say she wants to go out with some friends from work? I

s he going to question her to see if that man would be there rather than trust her?

Will he say, “I would rather you didn’t…remember what happened the last time you hung out with work people?” T

here are all kinds of scenarios where it might pop up unecessarily.
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Might pop up yes, which is why I suggest it never intentionally be brought up. If it is to be forgotten- forget it.
 
Right, and I agree partially with that, such as in times like I mentioned. However, if she is having unsure moments, she should feel safe to talk to her husband about it?
 
Steve134 said:
This is my first post and I am very appreciative for the opportunity to receive advice from people who “get it.”

I met a very special girl in college and dated her for 5 years, until she broke-up with me last April. We had what many people would have considered a good relationship. We went to mass together every Sunday and had all of the same goals and beliefs. Despite this, I never told her I loved her (even though I did love her) and I had many problems displaying my emotions and making her feel special. Also, whenever we argued, I could never be wrong and, therefore, never respected her opinions and feelings.

When we broke-up I was devastated and realized that I needed to change. I did change. I began pouring my heart out to her, but it was too late. I spent those days praying and hoping God would bring us back together. I never stopped loving her.

About three months after our split, I reached out to her and suggested that we go on a date. She accepted and we had a wonderful time together. We went on several dates after this and continued to have great times. One night I had a horrible dream that she was “involved” with another guy during our split. I asked her about this the next day and she told me that she had sex with a co-worker on two occasions. Not only that, but they even kissed eachother while we were still dating. She is very upset and says that she was going through the “darkest” part of her life. She realized that she only “hooked-up” with this co-worker because she wanted to find love, she was confused and angry with me. She regrets this mistake very much and wants nothing more than to be with me, happy forever.

I don’t know what to do. For the past five years I have cherished this girl and I never stopped loving her. Our communication is obviously much better now, and she says that she will do anything to help me get over this. I am pretty sure that I still love her, and I know we could have a wonderful future together. Although, I am confused and the mental images of her having sex with the other guy are **literally haunting **me. I don’t want to let her go and cause her more pain. I want to feel true love for her, but I cannot get over the past. I have forgiven her, but the images will not leave. I think all of this is normal, considering that I learned all of this only one week ago. What should I do to get over the past and truly love her the way I did before?

Thanks and God bless
Click to expand...
If you’re young, you might have to let her go. If not, perhaps you can hazard giving her another chance. We become less jealous with age, and can come to terms, emotionally, with this sort of thing much more easily. When we’re young, however, it’s much harder. We’re not as emotionally stable, and tend to dwell on and act out problems of this kind in harmful ways. Young people have the benefit of time. You’ll get over her, in time, and hopefully find someone with whom you can share a long and happy life. Infidelity is hard to overlook and/or forget about. Give it careful thought, and take your time. 🙂
 
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