What should I do?

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lonelyWI

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Hi, I am not sure what I should do and would appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers.
I am married and the mother of 3 great children between the ages of 8 and 12. We have been married almost 14 years.

I want to start out with saying that I really do love my husband, but I am not sure if our home life is the best for our children. I have tried to get him to counselling and to talk about it, but he will do neither. He is not cheating on me, just making my life very hard and lonely.

I should have known that my marriage would not be what I expected when my husband wouldn’t dance with me on our honeymoon. We were on a cruise and had many opportunities. (He did dance with me before we were married.) Shortly after we returned he started to put me down with comments every once in a while. Nothing really major, just enough to give me pause and think, “Did he really just say that?” I idolized him at this point. He is very smart and has many talents. This continued and I started to realize other things, he didn’t say goodbye when he left the house or “I love you” on a daily basis. If I got hurt and cried out in pain, he didn’t ask if I was all right, If I said I needed to attend a funeral he didn’t ask who it was or if I was doing OK. (Of course for close family he was aware of the death and may or may not have attended the funeral.)

Things basically continued on this path over the next few years. We only went out as a couple for our anniversary and maybe one other time a year. We never had a babysitter except for his mother or another family member. I told him I didn’t need a big date, that even going for a walk with him would be enough. He never asked me about my day and did not want me to ask about his.

The last few years have been even worse. We don’t even acknowledge our anniversary, he will not shake my hand at the sign of peace at Mass (this really hurts, but I want to go to Mass with my children and not alone), he does not talk to me about anything, but will scream at me if he doesn’t like something. He has been sleeping in my youngest son’s room for the past 2 1/2 years. We have had no physical contact for at least 3 years. He does not attend any of my family events and doesn’t always invite me to his. My family is not allowed in our house. His family is over all of the time.

My family has to know something is not right, but I haven’t told them because if we ever do reconcile, I don’t want them to hold anything against him. I also haven’t told any of my friends for the same reason. I am hesitant to talk to my parish priest because I don’t want him to think poorly of my husband.

What should I do? I have prayed about this for years and I don’t know if this is a relationship that my children should see. I don’t want them to think this is right. When my husband says things to me, I usually don’t respond because I don’t want him to keep yelling and upset the children. I really hate living this lie of a marriage.
 
Yes, living as you are has affected and is affecting your children. Your oldest is 12 years old, and presumably has never known loving parents. The others are younger but haven’t known any love or care from their father to their mother. Of course this is going to harm them. How will they learn how to treat women or be treated by men? I mean, in a healthy way.

Please do go and talk to your priest, as soon as possible. Your husband’s behavior is not in any way normal, loving, caring or anything positive. You need to learn to take care of yourself and care about yourself and your kids enough to try and make a better life for yourselves.

Many times, when children grow up with parents like your husband, it is the other parent who catches the worst of their anger. They know that the damaged parent can’t help it, but the parent who doesn’t save them from the damage has no excuse.

You will be in my prayers.
 
Have you taken a look at the Love Dare, and fireproofing your marriage? MAYBE you can bring him around.

This is not a healthy sounding relationship. The problem is, it seems that all the slights are just ignored, and they just continue on and on.

Prayers for you both!
 
You need marriage counseling. If your husband won’t go with you, go by yourself. But do get counseling. There is more going on than we on an internet forum can help you with.
 
You & the children are in a very sad situation, but you know that already. Please talk to your priest as soon as you can. Your children see everything, even more than you could imagine. My boys told me years after their father passed away that they hated him for what he did to me. They felt helpless. I thought I had it all hid from them & thought I was protecting them from the anger that was always just belw the surface. Please do something as soon as possible. I will pray for you & your children.
 
Please see your priest and see a marriage counselor. If it hasn’t already this will start to take a physical toll on you and then how will you be helping your children or your famly? God bless you.
 
You need counseling. Talk to your priest.

Your children observe everything. They sense the anger.

This may be emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is often more painful and isolating than physical abuse. Please see a counselor so the cycle does not get passed to your children.
 
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he ever considered himself married in the first place because it doesn’t look like he has conducted himself in a ‘married’ fashion at all.

I know you aren’t looking for one, but you’ve probably thought about it, and from your description I’d say there may well be grounds for an annulment if it were to ever get to that stage. You seem to be being treated like a possession, not a partner. And that’s not marriage.

I would strongly advise you to talk to both a marriage counsellor and your priest. If you aren’t able to communicate with your husband, perhaps the priest can.

So far you have done everything right by your account, but it’s definitely time to get help.

I pray that things improve for you.
 
Thank you everyone for your replies so far. I will talk to my priest and ask him for the name of a local Catholic counselling service. I don’t want to get divorced but will do what is best for the children. My story is just that, MY STORY, If I had his (name removed by moderator)ut, I may know what to fix of my behavior that has him so upset. I often feel like he put up with me till he got his 3 children. Now he has his kids and he doesn’t need me.
 
lonelyWI said:
Thank you everyone for your replies so far. I will talk to my priest and ask him for the name of a local Catholic counselling service. I don’t want to get divorced but will do what is best for the children. My story is just that, MY STORY, If I had his (name removed by moderator)ut, I may know what to fix of my behavior that has him so upset. I often feel like he put up with me till he got his 3 children. Now he has his kids and he doesn’t need me.
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I doubt if anything you have done has caused your husband’s cold, unemotional behavior toward you. A good counselor will help you cope with this very difficult situation.
 
lonelyWI said:
Thank you everyone for your replies so far. I will talk to my priest and ask him for the name of a local Catholic counselling service. I don’t want to get divorced but will do what is best for the children. My story is just that, MY STORY, If I had his (name removed by moderator)ut, I may know what to fix of my behavior that has him so upset. I often feel like he put up with me till he got his 3 children. Now he has his kids and he doesn’t need me.
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Changing your behavior is not going to fix your husband. No matter what you do or don’t do, he is not going to magically become a loving husband - it sounds as though he has never had it in him to be that person. Someone who is in a co-dependent relationship with elements of abuse will try to change to make the spouse feel better at all costs, and it never works. Your husband needs counseling himself but he may not believe that he does. He may say everything is your fault and if you would just do X, he’d be happy. Well, even if you did X times infinity, he would never be happy and the stakes would just be raised.

Please get counseling, you can call Catholic Charities in your area and they have sliding scales for income. They use Licensed Social Workers who can be very helpful. Also talk to you priest. Do this as soon as possible. Your childrens’ futures depend upon it.
 
From the little you told us it is time for the nuclear option.
As soon as he leaves for work use this checklist.

1)gather all important papework. Birth certificates of you and the kids etc. Deed to the house, car.
2) gather any meds for the kids& you
3) pack a bag for each of the kids. One they can carry/wheel. Make sure to include a “security item” eg. Fav toy. Preferrably one that dosnt need charging. Pack your bag, also one you can carry. Be sure to include clothes you can interview in.
4) phone your mother. Tell her things aren’t ok and you’ll be staying for a while

the biggest red flag for me was that your husband sleeps in his son’s room. Why? If there are 4 bedrooms why aren’t the children doubled up? Is there not a more appropriate place for a grown man to sleep?

This man seems pathologically cold. If he’s doing this to you, he’s doing it to the kids…with a strange preference for the one. This is NOT ok. Take the kids before social services gets called.
 
Oh yeah, a year or so ago he got each of the boys safes so they could keep their special items in. I found this when cleaning their rooms. I then found another safe in the basement that he keeps things in. I have not yet sent for the key for this safe. I did manage to get in it once when he left his keys out one night and got a copy of the boys’ keys made.

He started sleeping in my son’s room because my son was afraid. He just never left. There is nothing lewd going on. It took till my son was 5 to get him out of our room because my son cried and my husband gave in. He thinks he is being a good father. I am the mean mother for thinking my children should be able to sleep in their own bed or that we should go out as a couple and leave the children with a babysitter.

I will start to actively collect the documents I need, meet with a counselor and my priest. I will not be able to leave immediately and while the atmosphere is not healthy, a quick departure would be worse on the children. I would rather get things rolling and have him leave. I will tell at least some of my immediate family or friends so I will have a better support system. It is embarrassing, but I will live.

Oh yeah…his mom stays with us for weeks at a time since she lives out of state. She helps me with watching the kids when I have to work especially this last time since the kids have been sick. She says nothing, but I can’t blame her. His two sisters are constantly telling her how stupid she is and to but out of things. My husband and most of his brothers don’t do this, but they also don’t tell them to stop it. His father, who is deceased, used to put her down, but was still very caring (if this makes sense). Basically, you are so stupid, you are lucky you have me.
 
lonelyWI said:
Oh yeah, a year or so ago he got each of the boys safes so they could keep their special items in. I found this when cleaning their rooms. I then found another safe in the basement that he keeps things in. I have not yet sent for the key for this safe. I did manage to get in it once when he left his keys out one night and got a copy of the boys’ keys made.

He started sleeping in my son’s room because my son was afraid. He just never left. There is nothing lewd going on. It took till my son was 5 to get him out of our room because my son cried and my husband gave in. He thinks he is being a good father. I am the mean mother for thinking my children should be able to sleep in their own bed or that we should go out as a couple and leave the children with a babysitter.

I will start to actively collect the documents I need, meet with a counselor and my priest. I will not be able to leave immediately and while the atmosphere is not healthy, a quick departure would be worse on the children. I would rather get things rolling and have him leave. I will tell at least some of my immediate family or friends so I will have a better support system. It is embarrassing, but I will live.

Oh yeah…his mom stays with us for weeks at a time since she lives out of state. She helps me with watching the kids when I have to work especially this last time since the kids have been sick. She says nothing, but I can’t blame her. His two sisters are constantly telling her how stupid she is and to but out of things. My husband and most of his brothers don’t do this, but they also don’t tell them to stop it. His father, who is deceased, used to put her down, but was still very caring (if this makes sense). Basically, you are so stupid, you are lucky you have me.
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Oh my, it sounds like he’s exhibiting a lot of learned behaviour from his father. And the fact that he’s got himself as well as your children safes which you do not have access to (at least not as far as he believes) is one heck of a major alarm bell to me. I have to say that reading that horrified me: it’s almost like you’re being excised from their lives. And then his behaviour with your sons is also likely to ingrain in them as adults a further disordered idea of what a wife and mother should be, and the cycle will continue.

Obviously I have only read your side, but on the assumption that you’re being entirely accurate, then this is a horrendous situation and it cannot be allowed to continue for a moment longer, if only for the sake of your children growing up the same way and perpetuating what is, to all intents and purposes, a form of spousal abuse. It doesn’t have to be violent to be deeply unhealthy.

The relationship needs healing, FAST. If it can’t be healed, then on the basis of your husband’s state of mind (resulting from his upbringing) and his behaviour throughout the marriage, I think you’ve got prima facie evidence for an annulment, sad to say. That’s a hard thing for any Catholic to say to another and I have to say I’ve typed and retyped that sentence several times, as I wouldn’t want to encourage the breakup of a marriage, but the facts seem very plain to me.
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
From the little you told us it is time for the nuclear option.
As soon as he leaves for work use this checklist.

1)gather all important papework. Birth certificates of you and the kids etc. Deed to the house, car.
2) gather any meds for the kids& you
3) pack a bag for each of the kids. One they can carry/wheel. Make sure to include a “security item” eg. Fav toy. Preferrably one that dosnt need charging. Pack your bag, also one you can carry. Be sure to include clothes you can interview in.
4) phone your mother. Tell her things aren’t ok and you’ll be staying for a while
.
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I know that you said that it would be better if your husband left, but reconsider moving in with your family. Your children need to experience normal family relationships. Ask your parents for help in giving your children this experience. See a catholic counselor to help yourself get prepared mentally and emotionally for what you must do, or see one immediatly after moving out to help you stay strong. Be smart, get the advice of a lawyer as to what must be documented and prepared first (maybe your parents could do this without him knowing, since he doesn’t seem to have contact with your side of the family). Moving out does not necessarily mean divorce, it just means that you are protecting your children. I hesitated, and questioned each sentence when writing this, but the bottom line for me, is that your husband has insulated your children from the side of the family whose presence might expose the abnormality of your family dynamic. Move the kids into a healthy atmosphere as quickly and painlessly as possible.
 
I will say a prayer that god touches your heart and gives you the wisdom to do what is right. I too have had tha same issue but with my wife. we grew apart and I ended up sleeping on the couch…mainly because of my snoring but I will tell you sleeping apart is not a good thing. I too have/had (i say this because we still lived together but she told me the day after thanksgbing she wanted separated and I found out the day after christmas that she was cheating on me and we are progressing with divorce proceeings.) my wife say things to me that I too would do a double take at and say the same thing you said…did that really come out of her mouth…or I would think I would never say that to anyone even my worse enemy. One time my wife told me if I would die she would not even care…I too would tell my wife I loved her every day i lefft the house. I asked her one day why she does not say I love you back and she told me saying it is one thing but showing it is another. Now I am not claiming to be a perfect spoouse no one is…but i tried to show her consideration and love by doing simple acts to show her I loved her…helped around the house, being a loving devoted and loyal spoouse and husband. Allowing her time to go out with her friends.helping provide a good home and home life for her and my sons. I did not do that for myself but for them. I took the good and the bad of the relationship. I was accepting of her and her views and loved her for her good and bad points. Thats what I thought love was but I was wrong. You can not worry about what people or your priest will think…if you want to salvage your marriage make the effort and trie to get the help you need to save the marriage. However if you did all you could and prayed and he still is not willing to change or come around or want to salvage the marriage then you did all you could… I am not telling you to give up I am telling you to fight and try to make it work. If it does or does not it is up to god. If the marriage disolves then think of it as god telling you it was not right for you becuase God is protecting you. Look at the other things you have too…you have wodnerful children…that is the biggest gift of all that you have. Look at what you do have rather than what you dont have. Focus on the positives, I had a very bad day yesterday myself and my brother pointed told me to look and what i do have and not at what I dont have.
I hope this was helpful…
 
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