What should I do?

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DPatriot

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Hello,

I hope there is a priest here to help me with this problem.

I started dating this girl 3 years ago. She was a budhist. I was 40 years old when we started dating and she was 27 years old, my first girlfriend ever. I don’t remember when I realized we could not get along in marriage life, perhaps after 1 year. I suggested to break up. In fact, we broke up several times during these years due to her personality and most of all, her anger. Everytime we broke up, she approached me and asked to work things out. So we tried again. And a year ago, when we broke up because of her anger again, she came back again and asked to work things out again. This time she said she was angry because I didn’t not give me any sign whether I wanted to marry her or not. Once I promised to marry her, she would be fine.

Loving her and really wanting things worked out, I bought her the engagement ring she wanted it and we were engaged. I also told her about her anger and convert to catholic. She agreed. So we proceeded with a wedding plan this summer.

She is now a catholic. But her anger management is not improving for me to see her able to contain it without destroying our marriage. We still ran into fights and no matter how hard I tried to calm her. I also retreated to apologize for things that are not making any sense, but she still had to be the person that dissed out hurtful words and see me hurt.

Our wedding day is only less than 3 months and I don’t feel very comfortable with it. The latest fight over traffic on our way to a restaurant had me off balance and I now start looking for therapist for my health.

My questions are:
1/. What should I do about wedding plan? I gave her 3 options: break up, postpone the wedding until we work things out, or continue with the wedding plan until another fight takes place and I don’t know if I have the capacity to contain my frustration.
2/. If I am to cancel the wedding plan (which her parents already invited guests and some already accepted the invitation), what of her? She is now a catholic. I really did not want to add one more bad catholic to the world. And she says she now has no where to go. Her family practices budhism. She is crying that she is going to hell for betraying her budhist faith.
3/. I already asked her to see therapist too, but so far no words of agreement from her. What should I, as a catholic, do about us? I have met my priest and he did not tell me straight what would be the best option for her if we’re no longer together.
4/. What is my best option? I’ve been kneeling in front of Mother Mary the last 3 days after work praying for both of us. I will continue to do so.

Please help.

A lost soul
/
 
This is the woman you love
Try to love her unconditionally
Nobody is perfect
And yes pray for her and for yourself
Love is a precious gift
Perhaps your vocation is to love her and look after her
Be a good husband to her
PAX+
 
I feel for your dilemma. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you know this isnt going to work out. Please call off the wedding. She needs to get help with her anger, but sometimes, even with that, it may not work for you.

I am not sure why she is crying about not being a buddist anymore and thinking she will go to hell if her Catholicism was genuine. If it was not genuine, and she just did it to keep you, that is a larger problem. If you break it off with her, you are not responsible for her.

You wouldn’t be the first person to cancel a wedding, and you won’t be the last. It’s okay to not go through with it.
 
Thanks PAX for words of encouragement.
I love her. But obviously, I have reached my tipping point. Though through the recent months, I am trying to build my pain tolerance so I can take more from her. I’m doing that infront of Mother Mary altar at the local church. My priest did say this “we love, but we don’t want to be blind”.

Honestly speaking, I could go on and marry her. But what of our marriage life with kids if we’re both unable to contain our own anger? I am torn between a wrecked marriage and a lonely new catholic without guidance.

If that is the burden God wants me to carry, I will do it with no hesitation because I know He is supporting me when I need him. I need Him now.
 
Thanks IrishMom.
That’s one of my fears as she kept talking about why she had to become a catholic to marry me.

My only simple answer to her is that I want her to help me to raise our kids in catholic faith. If the mother/father is not practicing, it will difficult for kids to accept the faith.
 
Do not walk down the aisle.

What would you rather do…cancel the wedding and feel some embarrassment for calling off a wedding OR file for a divorce and an annulment from a woman who never changed…but now it’s 5 years later with 2 kids involved?

She hasn’t made any attempt to change…so what would be different in a marriage? Could you see yourself bringing children into this equation?

Cut your losses and move on…I couldn’t be more serious. DO NOT walk down the aisle.

She has anger problems…she’s never made an attempt to change them. She made an ultimatum for marriage. These are all very negative red flags going up left and right.

Call off the wedding and move on.
 
DPatriot said:
Thanks PAX for words of encouragement.
I love her. But obviously, I have reached my tipping point. Though through the recent months, I am trying to build my pain tolerance so I can take more from her. I’m doing that in front of Mother Mary altar at the local church. My priest did say this “we love, but we don’t want to be blind”.

Honestly speaking, I could go on and marry her. But what of our marriage life with kids if we’re both unable to contain our own anger? I am torn between a wrecked marriage and a lonely new catholic without guidance.

If that is the burden God wants me to carry, I will do it with no hesitation because I know He is supporting me when I need him. I need Him now.
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Egads, man, this is no way to start a marriage!! Please do not marry this woman! You have been bullied into taking her back time and time again. You need to stop this travesty right now. I am sorry that you bought her the ring and let her think that you would marry her. That would be the worst choice at present.

Frankly, I would not give her an option to do anger management or therapy. I would just say, “I am very sorry but this is not going to work out. We need to go our separate ways.” And then really do it!

Your priest is telling you not to be blind. That means, “Don’t marry in blindness!”
 
Irishmom2 said:
I feel for your dilemma. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you know this isnt going to work out. Please call off the wedding. She needs to get help with her anger, but sometimes, even with that, it may not work for you.

I am not sure why she is crying about not being a buddist anymore and thinking she will go to hell if her Catholicism was genuine. If it was not genuine, and she just did it to keep you, that is a larger problem. If you break it off with her, you are not responsible for her.

You wouldn’t be the first person to cancel a wedding, and you won’t be the last. It’s okay to not go through with it.
Click to expand...
^This. 👍
 
“But what of our marriage life with kids if we’re both unable to contain our own anger?”

Is this the woman you want raising your children?
 
You are seeing the very best of her right now. It gets worse after you marry.
 
Xantippe said:
“But what of our marriage life with kids if we’re both unable to contain our own anger?”

Is this the woman you want raising your children?
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Bingo!

This is the first…and last…question you should be asking yourself.

If the answer meets with some hesitation or trepidation…then you should NOT be marrying her.
 
DO NOT DO IT!!! I walked down the aisle knowing I was making a mistake, and regretted it for the last 45 years. It lasted 13 miserable years, created 2 children who suffered from the divorce, and scarred me emotionally and physically for life.

DO NOT DO IT!!! You should never marry anyone if you have the slightest doubt. An engagement is an indication that you are seriously considering someone, to the exclusion of others. It is NOT a marriage contract, yet. It can be broken at any time, right up to the ‘I will’ at the altar.
 
Only you can decide to marry this person. However, consider this, when you love someone, you give yourself to that person regardless of her anger. Jesus did not die on the cross for everyone except people who were . He gave his life for us because he loved us unconditionally. We should do the same for our neighbors and especially for our spouse. Do not marry her expecting her to change, marry her because you want children with her, because you want to give yourself to her with nothing in return.
 
IMHO, you should not get married at this point. Looking forward to getting married should be an absolutely joyous occasion (other than maybe some stress over wedding plans). When you are looking at your future spouse with fear and doubt, it is time to slam on the brakes. It’s even more problematic when you are fearing for your future children.

Additionally, anger issues are a real problem in marriage. All problems get worse after marriage, and anger can turn into violence. I’ve known people that got married with the issues present, their marriage are horrible, and most have divorced.
 
DPatriot said:
Thanks PAX for words of encouragement.
I love her. But obviously, I have reached my tipping point. Though through the recent months,** I am trying to build my pain tolerance so I can take more from her.** I’m doing that infront of Mother Mary altar at the local church. My priest did say this “we love, but we don’t want to be blind”.
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SOUND THE ALARMS! Egad, when you say that you are trying to build your pain tolerance so that you can take more from her…YOU ARE NOT READY TO MARRY and neither is she!
Marriage is not about PAIN! It’s partnership that may have some pain, but it’s not the ‘meat and potatoes’!
No woman in her right mind ( and I mean that most charitably) would marry a man who is building his pain tolerance to be with her 24/7.
I’m not a big believer in counseling, but maybe you both need to find someone who can help you…together, and decide if marriage is in your future or not…
 
DPatriot said:
I also told her about her anger and convert to catholic. She agreed. So we proceeded with a wedding plan this summer.
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She was a Buddhist and you told her to convert to become Catholic to get married. Oh boy. So you chose to date someone who was not a Catholic, and in a sense, made a deal by saying convert, then we’ll get married. Becoming Catholic is not like getting your drivers license and then, when you learn the rules, you get the license. Being Catholic is a relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour of your life. Being a disciple, walking close with Christ. If having a spouse that will actually be a Catholic, dating is when you see that they go to church on Sundays, go to the sacraments, and are ‘plugged in’ to the Catholic thought and way. If you wanted a Catholic spouse (and it’s very important for married life and the raising of children) perhaps dating a Buddhist was not the way to start on that. The reason for dating is to see if the person is a good life partner for you. Why did she have to become Catholic to marry you? You are trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

You’ve gotten some sound advice here. Be smart, your children and grand children will be impacted by this decision. When you ‘push’ your Catholic ideas onto ‘her’ children, what do you think is going to happen? When children come into the picture, it’s a whole new ball game, and she’s not on your team.
 
If her heart is not Catholic, than she may have gone through the motions but she is not Catholic. She can convert back to being a Buddhist. Do not Marry someone who is obviously not compatible with you. You are already miserable and you haven’t walked down the isle yet. Break it off and go find yourself a stable Catholic girl. She is a grown up with family who loves her…she will take care of herself; it isn’t your responsibility, nor is it your fault that she has mental challenges. Really, life is too short.

May God Bless you.
 
Please don’t take this the wrong way, it’s just my opinion. It sound like she might be manic. Has she or would she be willing to go and get help from a professional? Before you marry. God bless the two of you

jesus g
 
I would strongly recommend you not to marry her (at this point).
The fact that her family already has accepted an invitation, is not the right motivation for getting married if she is not ready and if she is not able to control her anger.
being afraid to leave her alone is not a good motivation to marry her either. The Lord will take care of her.
 
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