What should I do?

[Xantippe]

Depending on the size of the city/town that the OP or her parents live in, just calling the local police station might be very helpful. Anecdotally, I’ve had friends do exactly that when they don’t know what the local laws on something might be. (“Is it legal for me to leave my 12-year-old home alone while I run to the grocery store? What about with a 5-year-old sibling? In the car outside the store while I run in for a gallon of milk?” Etc.)

Most police officers genuinely want to help people, especially if they can do so before Bad Stuff happens. Leaving aside anything else, answering a question or two is a good deal less time-consuming than dealing with the mountains of paperwork associated with the kind of incident that such questions might avoid in the first place!

Good points.

 

[sherimarie]

Well, it’s kind of important to sell the extended family on the idea that boyfriend shouldn’t be allowed to come to extended family events–otherwise the OP winds up effectively exiled from her own family just because of one guy. She could also wind up being “the bad guy” in her own family.

Here’s a quote from the OP:

“I have a wonderful big catholic family, we try to all get together at least once a week and for Birthdays etc. Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.”

So I think it’s time for some heart-to-heart talks with some other family members aside from sis before this guy becomes a fixture.

Come to think of it, if sis knew that her boyfriend had the conviction, it was TERRIBLE of her to bring him to an event with children without informing you all in advance.

Your right, it was terrible. They were totally left to their own defenses and we have kids in the family that are nonverbal/autistic!
My sister-in-law is restricting her children from contact with my sister, it seemed extreme, but now I wonder if that is the best thing to do. Maybe force her to choose between him and us, it seems wrong but I don’t know what else to do.

 

[sherimarie]

I don’t think a Judge can restrict him from being around children. I think that is too vague. It would restrict the pedophile from going anywhere. I imagine that the restriction would be time and location sensitive. For example, it would restrict him from going near a school, or going near a park when school is not in session. I imagine that he is not allowed to be alone with children.

I doubt going to an adults birthday party would violate the terms of his probation. It is up to the family to exercise common sense and tell the creep that he isn’t allowed within 10 miles of their children.

You have a duty to make sure that all of your family members know about this jerk’s proclivities toward children. The likelihood of him offending again is very high. Make sure it isn’t with your family. If that upsets your sister, it is her problem. Your kids come before her feelings.

Again, I believe that a probationary period can’t exceed the duration of the sentence for the crime in question. If a minor with a clean record received 9 years of probation, he did something unspeakable. He deserves to be treated like a room filled with Ebola victims. Your kids should not be in the same zip code with him.

Yeah, I think it is very serious. I did call the probation officer. They wouldn’t tell me anything (because he was aminor at the time.) they did say that he can’t be around kids. I just wonder how far I should take trying to get her to get rid of him. I wish she were reasonable.Need more prayers!

 

[sherimarie]

Depending on the size of the city/town that the OP or her parents live in, just calling the local police station might be very helpful. Anecdotally, I’ve had friends do exactly that when they don’t know what the local laws on something might be. (“Is it legal for me to leave my 12-year-old home alone while I run to the grocery store? What about with a 5-year-old sibling? In the car outside the store while I run in for a gallon of milk?” Etc.)

Most police officers genuinely want to help people, especially if they can do so before Bad Stuff happens. Leaving aside anything else, answering a question or two is a good deal less time-consuming than dealing with the mountains of paperwork associated with the kind of incident that such questions might avoid in the first place!

I’ll try this, thanks.

 

[pianistclare]

Yeah, I think it is very serious. I did call the probation officer. They wouldn’t tell me anything (because he was aminor at the time.) **they did say that he **can’t be around kids. I just wonder how far I should take trying to get her to get rid of him. I wish she were reasonable.Need more prayers!

Done deal.
He’s gone.
Get your sister to a priest for a reality check.
What’s it worth to her to avoid a broken heart and possible implication in any future crime?
Because SOMEONE is goin to say to her " AND YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME".

Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, I think it is very serious. I did call the probation officer. **They wouldn’t tell me anything (because he was aminor at the time.) they did say that he can’t be around kids. ** I just wonder how far I should take trying to get her to get rid of him. I wish she were reasonable.Need more prayers!

Bingo.

You can’t make her do anything. But you can use the phrase “I don’t feel comfortable” a lot. Example: “As long as you’re seeing Buddy, I don’t feel comfortable having you babysit” or “I don’t feel comfortable going to events with our kids if I know Buddy is going to be there.”

 

[Xantippe]

Done deal.
He’s gone.
**Get your sister to a priest for a reality check. **
What’s it worth to her to avoid a broken heart and possible implication in any future crime?
Because SOMEONE is goin to say to her " AND YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME".

Good luck.

And/or a friendly police officer.

They’ve probably had lots of sad conversations with warm-hearted ladies who invited sex offenders into their lives and it would be a nice change of pace to talk to a warm-hearted lady before something horrible happens.

 

[WJeffrey]

Yeah, I think it is very serious. I did call the probation officer. They wouldn’t tell me anything (because he was aminor at the time.) they did say that he can’t be around kids. I just wonder how far I should take trying to get her to get rid of him. I wish she were reasonable.Need more prayers!

You have my prayers. Please keep your children away from him, and stay away from him yourself. Nothing good can come from this man being in the life of your family.

It is almost certain that extreme violence was also a part of his criminal activity. Stay away and keep away. You also know that he can’t be trusted, so tell your family to hide the china and their medicine cabinets. He probably has drug issues as well.

I also will pray that your sister comes to her senses, because she is going to get hurt. Any man who would do something so unspeakable to a defenseless child is capable of doing anything.

 

[HouseArrest]

Yeah, I think it is very serious. I did call the probation officer. They wouldn’t tell me anything (because he was aminor at the time.) they did say that he can’t be around kids. I just wonder how far I should take trying to get her to get rid of him. I wish she were reasonable.Need more prayers!

He can’t be around kids as in it is part of his probation? Or he can’t be around kids because it isn’t wise?

If he can’t be around kids as part of his probation I would report him every single time you know he is around kids. If you don’t know because the police can’t tell you, report him just in case.

 

[Xantippe]

He can’t be around kids as in it is part of his probation? Or he can’t be around kids because it isn’t wise?

If he can’t be around kids as part of his probation I would report him every single time you know he is around kids. If you don’t know because the police can’t tell you, report him just in case.

Yes.

It can only help to keep him on their radar.

 

[WJeffrey]

Yes.

It can only help to keep him on their radar.

It may help get rid of him. If the police start to hassle him, he might decide it is time to move on. Just make sure he doesn’t know you are the person informing them.

 

[Xantippe]

It may help get rid of him. If the police start to hassle him, he might decide it is time to move on. Just make sure he doesn’t know you are the person informing them.

Yeah.

It has been at the back of my mind that it’s probably not totally a coincidence that he’s glommed onto a woman from a big Catholic family with lots of kids and lots of get-togethers…

If this were my sister, it would really shake my confidence in her judgment and her ability to protect my kids going forward. It’s really sad, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving children in her care until she’s 120% broken up with him and she understands that she did a very bad thing in bringing him to a family event with no warning.

 

[Bill_Martin]

If it was me:

If the family event is at my place, he’s not allowed on the premises. End of story. Sister can come of course, but he stays home.

If it is not at my place, my family and I will not attend if he will be there and will leave if he arrives.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Your right, it was terrible. They were totally left to their own defenses and we have kids in the family that are nonverbal/autistic!
My sister-in-law is restricting her children from contact with my sister, it seemed extreme, but now I wonder if that is the best thing to do. Maybe force her to choose between him and us, it seems wrong but I don’t know what else to do.

That is extremely disturbing, that there are nonverbal children in the family. A pedophile’s dream victim, really. I agree with Xantippe that it may not be a co-incidence that the sister’s BF zoned in on a woman who comes from a large family with many children. And I wonder, did he know about the nonverbal and autistic children as well.

I’m not sure if banning all contact between your sister and your children is needed. But certainly, if that’s what it takes to protect your children, such as if (heaven forbid) this guy actually moves in with her, than that’s what it takes. I wouldn’t do that as a way to “force” her to make a choice. Just a case of legitimate consequences for her actions.

I also wonder, how old your sister is. If the BF is 19, I assume she’s around the same age. Has she dated a lot? Is she the type of woman who’s desperate to have a man in her life? Or is it more that she doesn’t have much dating experience, and is naïve?

 

[UbiCaritas]

Your right, it was terrible. **They were totally left to their own defenses and we have kids in the family that are nonverbal/autistic! **
My sister-in-law is restricting her children from contact with my sister, it seemed extreme, but now I wonder if that is the best thing to do. Maybe force her to choose between him and us, it seems wrong but I don’t know what else to do.

That is absolutely horrifying, especially since she knew about that aspect ahead of time.

As others have mentioned: this isn’t extreme. I don’t know how many kids you have, but I can tell you that as the mom of exactly one, it will be very difficult to keep an eye on one every minute of a family gathering, and impossible with more than that. This is for their safety.

It’s very sad, but she simply isn’t trustworthy anymore. Has anyone talked to her about this guy and his prior convictions, and the reasons that you don’t want him around kids? What has she said?

A bit of perspective: in my own family, a couple of close relatives were molested by a pedophile who was ostensibly paying attention to mom, but was using her to get at the kids. The extra veneer on this whole thing was that the kids were brought up in an extreme Catholic household: sex was never discussed, your body and references to it were dirty and bad, and so forth. (Of course, this isn’t Catholic teaching, but it’s how the kids were brought up.) As a result, the kids never went to mom about being molested, even though it happened for years, because they figured that if they did, they’d be punished for even mentioning certain areas of the body, much less “Mr. Smith did X and I didn’t like it and it scared me.” Plus, of course, Mr. Smith was a close friend of mom, so who was she going to believe? And even if dad might have listened, it was ingrained in the girls so strongly to never bring up body parts with anyone but especially men that they wouldn’t have told.

Of course, it’s probably not like that at your and your relatives’ houses, but I wanted to give you a heads-up. He has had access to the kids now. It’s unlikely at best that he did anything on the first contact (pedophiles are generally not that stupid: he’d have wanted to gauge the family dynamics first), but keep an eye on the kids for changes in behavior and attitude, and please, please make sure lines of communication are open. Depending on the ages of the kids, it might be time to have a pretty blunt conversation with some of them, too. In particular, if any kids are particularly vulnerable right now (parents going through a divorce? Ill sibling taking up a lot of attention?), look out for them. Pedophiles love to find kids who need a “special friend” because their world seems upside-down.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s very sad, but she simply isn’t trustworthy anymore. Has anyone talked to her about this guy and his prior convictions, and the reasons that you don’t want him around kids? What has she said?

Yeah.

She might not believe that he did it, but the parents have the right to know about his conviction. That’s just basic courtesy and common sense. She chose her boyfriend (who she’s known a whole whopping 15 minutes) over her family.

From here on, I would not give sis the benefit of the doubt until she is clearly over this stage in her life.

 

[AdamP88]

Yeah.

It has been at the back of my mind that** it’s probably not totally a coincidence that he’s glommed onto a woman from a big Catholic family with lots of kids and lots of get-togethers…
**
If this were my sister, it would really shake my confidence in her judgment and her ability to protect my kids going forward. It’s really sad, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving children in her care until she’s 120% broken up with him and she understands that she did a very bad thing in bringing him to a family event with no warning.

I agree. Don’t pedophiles often look for these type of situations in order to actually be around kids in order to groom them for abuse? I think you should do everything you can to let the rest of your family know the score.

In terms of your sister…if this guy is a pedophile in the sense that he has a compulsion to sexually abuse kids, has nobody suggested that it might not be wise for her to choose this man as someone to have kids with? There’s also the fact that he might not be interested in her at all but using her to gain access to children. I wonder would he lose interest if he saw that the family had closed ranks and were not allowing him or her access to children until he was off the scene?

 

[sherimarie]

That is extremely disturbing, that there are nonverbal children in the family. A pedophile’s dream victim, really. I agree with Xantippe that it may not be a co-incidence that the sister’s BF zoned in on a woman who comes from a large family with many children. And I wonder, did he know about the nonverbal and autistic children as well.

I’m not sure if banning all contact between your sister and your children is needed. But certainly, if that’s what it takes to protect your children, such as if (heaven forbid) this guy actually moves in with her, than that’s what it takes. I wouldn’t do that as a way to “force” her to make a choice. Just a case of legitimate consequences for her actions.

I also wonder, how old your sister is. If the BF is 19, I assume she’s around the same age. Has she dated a lot? Is she the type of woman who’s desperate to have a man in her life? Or is it more that she doesn’t have much dating experience, and is naïve?

she is ,25, and she is both naïve and a little desperate. This is her first boyfriend, she def. has some self esteem issues.

Good news!!! She went after mass today and made an appointment with Father!!! He is so good! If anyone can get through to her it will be him. Thanks for the prayers! I am so humbled and grateful that total strangers would pray for our family. Thanks again.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would not leave my children alone with someone else’s significant other, I don’t care whether he had a “record” or not. Most child molesters do not have a record, after all. If you keep this rule as a matter of course–that is, keep tabs on adults present at a function every bit as much as you keep tabs on the children–it will be no insult to enforce the policy on someone who has some red flags you know about in advance.

I think the most sensible thing is to ask about the terms of the young man’s probation. I’d say the chances are extremely high that he has been forbidden to be at gatherings that include children. Point out to your sister that he is vulnerable to some very unpleasant fall-out if there is so much as an accusation and it is found out he is not observing the terms of probation. That will make this a matter of looking out for his best interests, as well.

So–no offense, but non-related adults don’t get to spend time with any of the children alone unless the person has been particularly vetted as a good choice for a sitter. Period. Everyone is safer.

 

[pianistclare]

Yeah.

It has been at the back of my mind that it’s probably not totally a coincidence that he’s glommed onto a woman from a big Catholic family with lots of kids and lots of get-togethers…

If this were my sister, it would really shake my confidence in her judgment and her ability to protect my kids going forward. It’s really sad, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving children in her care until she’s 120% broken up with him and she understands that she did a very bad thing in bringing him to a family event with no warning.

THIS^^