What should I do?

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sherimarie

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I have a wonderful big catholic family, we try to all get together at least once a week and for Birthdays etc. Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.

I told my sister I didn’t want him around my family. I know we should be forgiving, but I’m just trying to protect my children. That is foremost.

My sisters boyfriend is now 19 and still has 9 years of probation to accomplish. He has no job no future. My sister has pity for him and is very loyal. She doesn’t believe the accusation.

Do you think I am right to boycott him from family functions? What should I do? We are not supposed to judge, how does that square with keeping my family safe?

Help!!! Prayers!!! Advice!!! Thanks!!!
 
If you believe that your children are in danger with him around, then you have a right to demand that he keep his distance from you & your family. We are not supposed to judge people’s souls, but we need to judge who we should allow to be in our company lest they harm us or lead us to sin.
 
sherimarie said:
I have a wonderful big catholic family, we try to all get together at least once a week and for Birthdays etc. Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.

I told my sister I didn’t want him around my family. I know we should be forgiving, but I’m just trying to protect my children. That is foremost.

My sisters boyfriend is now 19 and still has 9 years of probation to accomplish. He has no job no future. My sister has pity for him and is very loyal. She doesn’t believe the accusation.

Do you think I am right to boycott him from family functions? What should I do? We are not supposed to judge, how does that square with keeping my family safe?

Help!!! Prayers!!! Advice!!! Thanks!!!
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Well, was he a minor too at the time?
Was the other person involved much younger or were they a similar age?

If the person was much younger and there was abuse involved I’d be careful. If it was a case of an 18 year old and a 17 year old I don’t think that would be too much cause for concern.

I would be all about protecting children from abuse but in this case I think you should look at the context of the accusation. He’s still a young man and may have just made a bad judgement.
 
Protect your kids first and foremost. You know nothing about this young man except that he has a conviction for a sex offence.
 
I have to admit of being a bit envious of large families who speak / get together often. That is not my life experience and always seems like it would be very rewarding.

As far your children, protect them as you see fit. As has been stated, the particular circumstances of the situation would be important. While I am all about second chances, deviant sexual behaviors are known for high rates of recidivism.

If it seems his relationship with your sister will be progressing, someone should (in private) discuss the situation with him and get the information about what actually happened, and then check it out to see that it is correct. While difficult, it is less so than having to face family members after “an incident”.
 
sherimarie said:
Recently one of my siblings brought along her new boyfriend, we found out a couple weeks later that **he pled guilty to sexual contact with a minor when he was a teenager.

My sisters boyfriend is now 19** and still has 9 years of probation to accomplish. He has no job no future. My sister has pity for him and is very loyal. She doesn’t believe the accusation.

Do you think I am right to boycott him from family functions? What should I do? We are not supposed to judge, how does that square with keeping my family safe?

Help!!! Prayers!!! Advice!!! Thanks!!!
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He is still a teenager so “when he was a teenager” doesn’t tell us anything about the time frame. “Sexual contact with a minor” can also mean many things. If he is on probation for another 9 years, it sounds like something serious.

“No job” is a significant issue. “No future” is a malicious thing to say. Christians should not say that about anyone.

Whether he should be allowed around children is a matter of prudential judgment. Certainly, you should avoid any strangers being alone with your children.
 
Counsel your sister to be wary.
Protect your kids, and if you must be around him, show Christian charity.
He may have turned a corner, but it’s wise to be very careful. Your responsibility is to those children.
Have a long talk with sis.
God bless.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
He is still a teenager so “when he was a teenager” doesn’t tell us anything about the time frame. “Sexual contact with a minor” can also mean many things. If he is on probation for another 9 years, it sounds like something serious.

“No job” is a significant issue. “No future” is a malicious thing to say. Christians should not say that about anyone.

Whether he should be allowed around children is a matter of prudential judgment. Certainly, you should avoid any strangers being alone with your children.
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Yeah. I’d say that even if there was no sexual crime. I’d want to get to know him fairly well before I let him take my kids to the county fair.

In terms of whether he has no future…well he may have no job prospects at the moment, but as St. Augustine said “Every saint has a past and every sinner, a future.”
 
ChurchSoldier said:
If it seems his relationship with your sister will be progressing, someone should (in private) discuss the situation with him and get the information about what actually happened, and then check it out to see that it is correct. While difficult, it is less so than having to face family members after “an incident”.
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You could always take him deep into the woods on a hunting trip and do a Cheney on him. mwahahahaha
:newidea:
 
AdamPeter said:
You could always take him deep into the woods on a hunting trip and do a Cheney on him. mwahahahaha
:newidea:
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I don’t think that’s funny nor fair to V P Cheney, who was involved in a hunting accident. God Bless, Memaw
 
Protect your children at all cost. Never let them alone with the convicted one. No need to ban him from family functions; however, just ensure that you know where your children are at all times. Protection before unctuous feelings of good will. No time for regret later.
 
How old is your sister, and what do your parents think of her dating him? What do they think of this whole situation?
 
Are these family functions taking place at your home? If not, how are you in the position to ban him in the first place? Whenever I bring my children to family functions, I don’t let my kids alone in any room without an adult I trust present. (Usually me or my husband.) I don’t know how old your kids are, but that’s probably the most practical way to cut out a whole lot of possible shenanigans.
 
It would depend on what he did exactly but I doubt that with just 9 years of probation that he did anything all that serious. I have a guy I went to highschool with who received a similar sentence for sending a lewd text to 15 year old when he was 18. But you are right that the man is basically unemployable now and has very dim prospects for his future. You might try to talk sense to your sister but I would count on that having the opposite of the intended effect. If I were you I would just keep my mouth shut.
 
I had an uncle-in-law who was an incestuous pedophile. This was in the 50’s when people did not talk about this sort of thing and I did not know it. Later, whenI found out, some of my family said that I was never left alone with my uncle when they went to family affairs. Not once was this man prosecuted, but he was confronted by certain family members, I doubt to any avail. So I understand your concern, and suggest that you make it a policy whenever this man is around to always be sure no children are left alone with him. You do not have to invite him to your home. The fact that he only got 9 years probation may only mean he was sentenced as a juvenile, not an adult and the laws regarding juveniles are different from adults in most states. I would not just assume what he did was not serious. It is best to know, however, so you have the facts, if you are able to ascertain them, to protect your children.

Before anyone criticizes my family, let me tell you that in the 50’s and before, these things were handled WAY differently than they are now. Even law enforcement did not take this as seriously as they do now unless it was reported and proved, or serial. There was incest and such, and this was usually kept in the family. People did not listen to children either, and did not believe or want to believe them, often blaming the child. Often children were considered the property of the parents, so many cheeks were turned. And people were not educated at all about the problem. All of this was very wrong, and inexcusable, but that is the way it was, and family members now regret the way it was handled.

Your sister is in denial, and that is what is very disturbing, IMO. That can lead to a lot of problems.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
It would depend on what he did exactly but I doubt that with just 9 years of probation that he did anything all that serious. I have a guy I went to highschool with who received a similar sentence for sending a lewd text to 15 year old when he was 18. ** But you are right that the man is basically unemployable now and has very dim prospects for his future.** You might try to talk sense to your sister but I would count on that having the opposite of the intended effect. If I were you I would just keep my mouth shut.
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I would be the first to agree that serious sex abusers should receive harsh sentences and monitoring, having worked in child protection in a catholic youth group since I was 18 and now as a high school teacher.

However something is wrong when a young person who made an error in judgement, as many young people do, has his future destroyed. That’s not justice.
 
As a parent, you have a duty to protect your children. Other people’s feelings are irrelevant. Mercy does not include endangering a third person, especially when the third person is your children. Keep your children safe.
 
AdamPeter said:
I would be the first to agree that serious sex abusers should receive harsh sentences and monitoring, having worked in child protection in a catholic youth group since I was 18 and now as a high school teacher.

However something is wrong when a young person who made an error in judgement, as many young people do, has his future destroyed. That’s not justice.
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I agree with you that there is a tendency to use the sex offender registry to punish people who really don’t pose a threat to children. It doesn’t do anybody any favors because it waters down the effectiveness of the sex offender registry as well as lowering the chances of rehabilitating the offender. If you’re one of the lucky ones you can find a decent job in mining or construction and serve out your probation.
 
I’m sorry, I don’t agree to the whole concept that we need to be lenient because someone shows “an error in judgment,” since at some level, just about any crime can be excused as an “error in judgment.” Any offense involving sexual contact with a child should be “one strike and you’re out,” and if that makes someone unemployable, well, I wouldn’t want to employ someone who’s a sex offender anyway.

I heard a news story last year about a family that opened their home to a sex offender, under the theory of wanting to give the man another chance. Guess what he did? Molest their daughter.
 
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