What should my stance be?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TSB4
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
TSB4 said:

“Thank you. If it weren’t for this forum, I seriously would still feel like I was overreacting. The people around me don’t take pregnancy seriously. They all believe if you don’t want more children that you should get on birth control or get fixed.”

I don’t encourage you to overshare with people in real life, but I am pretty sure that unilateral withdrawal would squick out a lot of people you know. It’s just not cool for a spouse to insist that 100% of sexual activity is going to involve stuff that disgusts or annoys the other spouse. You’re not the one who is being weird about this.

No marriage counselor is going to like what he’s doing. They might suggest different contraception, but they would understand that unilateral withdrawal is an intimacy-killer.

“I was tired of feeling like I was defending why I have four kids and not on any birth control. There was a time I was considering having a hysterectomy.”

If you have medical, non-contraceptive reasons to have a hysterectomy, you should seriously consider a hysterectomy.

“However, we both have been through the ringer with people and their opinions on our family size, and I believe that’s whats given us a contraceptive mentality.”

4 is not a lot of kids if you are feeding and loving all of them. Heck, as long as you still fit in a minivan, you don’t have a really big family.

“I use to feel like I’m not allowed to get frustrated as mom otherwise people will judge me and say I had more children than I could handle. But aren’t I allowed to et frustrated or flustered? I have/had (trying to break out of it) this unrealistic expectation of the way I’m suppose to be and the way things are suppose to be. I am way too hard on myself as a parent and wife. I try too hard to make sure the house and kids are “perfect” in a sense as that’s just not possible.”

Lots of people get where you are after having two (2.0) kids. You are allowed to not be perfect, you are allowed to have kids who act like kids (not little wind-up toys), and you are allowed to have a house that looks like actual human beings live in it.
 
TSB4 said:

“Well I’m not confident that NFP is going to work for us for a number of reasons, one being he still withdraws anyways. Also, charting and knowing the differences was a bit much for me. Most times I would forget or get frustrated trying to figure out the difference.”

Start doing the records now, so that if your husband has a change of heart, you will be well-informed and ready to switch over immediately.

At the end of every month, you should be able to look back and do an audit, see when ovulation occurred and see which days were infertile. Then maybe share that information with your husband from time to time (i.e. we had sex the day before I ovulated or this week here was post-ovulatory and completely infertile–we could have had complete intercourse those days). Once you are confident about your records, wait until Phase 3 (when you are very sure that you’ve had an established temperature rise) and tell him you want complete intercourse and there’s no reason whatsoever not to do so. Obviously, you’re going to put it gently and as seductively as possible.

The way you describe your husband’s behavior, I almost wonder if he doesn’t have some mental issues, for instance OCD. There’s something really compulsive about his behavior.
 
How easy would life be if we let go and let god? Just allow him to determine our family size. I will look into the charting again, hoping I can find some help on telling the difference.
 
TSB4 said:

“How easy would life be if we let go and let god? Just allow him to determine our family size. I will look into the charting again, hoping I can find some help on telling the difference.”

It isn’t really true that God alone would determine your family size–there’s always an element of cooperation on the part of the couple. If you didn’t have sex, it wouldn’t be quite true to say that God wasn’t giving you children. It’s very much like we can’t say that we trust God to decorate our living rooms or finish our basements–obviously, the resources that we are able to bring to the project depend on Divine Providence, but the results are going to depend a lot on how much effort we put into the project.

In addition, there will always be cases where prudence is important–let’s say for instance that one of the parents is disabled either mentally or physically, or a parent has been out of work for some time with no prospect of employment, or mom has already had a number of c-sections and she has been warned that she will endanger her life and the life of any future baby if she goes much farther, or the mother is taking medications that may cause death or deformity to a baby, etc. Those kinds of cases pop up on the forum fairly regularly. There will always be cases like that where patience and prudence are the virtues we need to develop, just as there are also times when generosity and self-giving need to be cultivated. As fertile couples, we can always be working on one or the other set of virtues, and sometimes both at the same time (i.e. when prudently abstaining, but at the same time generously caring for our existing children).
 
Xantippe said:
The way you describe your husband’s behavior, I almost wonder if he doesn’t have some mental issues, for instance OCD. There’s something really compulsive about his behavior.
Click to expand...
More likely, he simply enjoys climaxing in the way he does. He has declined requests to do otherwise, and he knows no persuasive reason to do otherwise. I believe the OP has not pushed the issue as hard as we might have advocated.
 
Rau said:

“More likely, he simply enjoys climaxing in the way he does.”

Yes, that sounds like a very strong possibility.
 
I’ve expressed how I feel about this issue to him. More so in recent days. I don’t think he “likes” to “go” elsewhere I think it’s more habitual.
 
More than habitual. Remember he does not agree to change. Therefore, it is a choice he makes.
 
To my surprise during intimacy today, he didn’t withdraw. He seems very okay about it. My only concern is I’m unsure if I will be ovulating soon.
 
I mentioned it to him before sex, he still proceeded and voila. No withdrawal.
 
TSB4 said:
To my surprise during intimacy today, he didn’t withdraw. He seems very okay about it. My only concern is I’m unsure if I will be ovulating soon.
Click to expand...
If you are not charting, then it is important that you are both ok with the idea of another child at this time.

What did he say when you raised the matter before intimacy?
 
Rau said:
If you are not charting, then it is important that you are both ok with the idea of another child at this time.

What did he say when you raised the matter before intimacy?
Click to expand...
Well I’m not charting. I don’t think I’m ovulating because I haven’t had any fertile mucus today. As I remember if I don’t have any that day, then that’s a safe day? Oh dear I hope so because I’m in day 14 of my cycle. No fertile mucus tho. He didn’t really say much of anything, he asked if I had mucus and I said no.
 
It is possible to ovulate without cervical mucus, however, the sperm requires the mucus in order to “swim” to the egg. So, if you haven’t seen mucus for the past three days, you don’t have to worry. That’s why it’s a good idea to chart, rather than go day by day.
 
Allegra said:
It is possible to ovulate without cervical mucus, however, the sperm requires the mucus in order to “swim” to the egg. So, if you haven’t seen mucus for the past three days, you don’t have to worry. That’s why it’s a good idea to chart, rather than go day by day.
Click to expand...
Oh dear… That’s not so good to hear. Now I will worry until next month.
 
TSB4 said:
Well lets hope not.
Click to expand...
Assuming your husband is currently preferring not to have another child just now, I foresee the following scenarios will arise while you are not charting:
  1. You advise you’re infertile, so hubbie agrees not to withdraw; 🙂
  2. You advise you **are **fertile, so hubbie either:
    a) abstains, or
    b) goes ahead and withdraws :(;
  3. You advise you are not sure 🤷 , in which case:
    a) hubbie does not withdraw, you get pregnant → hubbie not happy :mad: or;
    b) hubie withdraws 😦
    You seem to have made progress in the last day or so, but proceeding as you are, without proper awareness of your state of fertility, is likely to lead to a significant setback. [And the one happy face above relies on you being correct!]
 
Rau said:
Assuming your husband is currently preferring not to have another child just now, I foresee the following scenarios will arise while you are not charting:
  1. You advise you’re infertile, so hubbie agrees not to withdraw; 🙂
  2. You advise you **are **fertile, so hubbie either:
    a) abstains, or
    b) goes ahead and withdraws :(;
  3. You advise you are not sure 🤷 , in which case:
    a) hubbie does not withdraw, you get pregnant → hubbie not happy :mad: or;
    b) hubie withdraws 😦
    You seem to have made progress in the last day or so, but proceeding as you are, without proper awareness of your state of fertility, is likely to lead to a significant setback. [And the one happy face above relies on you being correct!]
Click to expand...
Well he stated to me that he doesn’t want to try to have another baby, neither do I. I informed him withdrawal could possibly still result in a pregnancy and he would respond with “if it happens it happens.” I’m sure he wouldn’t be angry necessarily, but he wouldn’t plan for one. As for charting, I have no chart, no NFP supplies, and the only thing I remember about the creighton model is check your mucus for that day, if there is none it’s a safe day. If there is some, abstain for the next four days to be sure. My body gives off different secretions (tmi) and its a pain remembering. To add, my husband has a high sex drive and some nights, I will be awoken to him “ready to go” saying no doesn’t always make sense to him at that point. I’m afraid, by telling him I’m fertile (or think I am) when he is “ready to go” will not stop him, but instead give him a reason to withdraw. So what should my stance be then? Tell him or just keep it to myself if I know he wants to do it anyway? :confused:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top