What specific issues to discuss before marriage?

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I am wondering if there are any websites from a Catholic perspective that give lists of questions for prospective spouses to consider answering in order to discern whether their significant others are the type of persons they wish to marry. I mean, you don’t want to be engaged FIRST before you ask such questions. That’s backwards.

I can’t seem to find a website with an organized list of all issues/questions that must be addressed when you find someone you are interested in, or even without any prospects. It feels important to me to have a list in my mind because there’s so many issues that can arise when you are trying to discern a prospective marriage partner, that I wouldn’t be able to think of them off the top of my head. Sure there are some issues I could think of - but there’s just so much more, I would imagine.
 
Don’t know of any website. But, the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren does have such a list and it’s an EXCELLENT book that I cannot recommend highly enough.
 
Thank you 1ke, I won’t rule out books either - I’m lacking stamina to read books up to their last page lol, but if the information is better presented in a book - then I’ll be ok. I take it that the book is good for those who are Catholics? Because a non-Catholic perspective may not be beneficial for me:)
 
I heard a priest speak at Catholic Family Conference a few weeks ago in Northern Illinois.

He said that the Number One reason for divorce is unfaithfulness. So I think that’s one issue to discuss in advance.

I remember reading once that there are six areas that cause the most fights among married couples (not in order of prominence):
  1. Money
  2. Religion
  3. Children
  4. In laws
  5. Sex
  6. Working (jobs)
Money is especially tricky and IMO, all the cards should be on the table well before an engagement. It’s awful to discover AFTER a marriage that you are married to someone with a totally different view of money than you.

Religion–personally I think that people should only date others who are the same religion as them, but I know a lot of people think they know better. Talk it out. Better to split up before a wedding than after.

Children–not just how many to have, but HOW they should be raised. A lot of couples don’t think about this at all because they’re having too much fun as a couple, and they don’t think of themselves as “parents.” But I think that couples should spend some time reading a few classic childrearing books from different philosophies (e.g., Sears vs. Dobson), and discussing these at length.

In-laws–my husband and I MOVED AWAY–far away–from our families after we were married. After we became Catholic, we learned that this is something that most Catholics would NEVER consider! But it worked well for us. We grew very close to each other as we made this break from Mommy and Daddy. Seriously a “daddy’s girl” or a “Peter Pan Man” are NOT good prospects for marriage.

Sex–there is currently a thread on this forum in which the young lady has decided to delay kissing until the wedding. That’s fine, but both members of the couple should agree on how they will manage their physical relationship, especially the issue of spacing children (NFP). I personally think that couples should talk sex over in detail, even if it’s arousing for them. Go to a Culvers or some other family restaurant and talk about it where you can’t give in to temptation! It’s sad to think that sex can be a source of conflict in a marriage, but it really can and it’s one of the most painful conflicts because it strikes at WHO you are, not just what you believe.

Working–it’s amazing how many women just assume that they will keep working forever after they are married, and then discover that it’s not so easy once they have a baby. My personal opinion is that a woman should marry a man who can support her and children on his income alone. That may mean a very simple lifestyle if the man’s income is not very high. The couple needs to discuss all this, and agree on their strategies for working after children are born.

I would add “Politics” to this list. It seems trivial, but it really does cause a lot of fights if the spouses have major disagreements over politics, especially the social issues.

Another topic I would add to this list is “Health and Fitness.” A couch potato and an wanna-be Olympian WILL have some conflicts! Also a hypochondriac is very hard for a normal person to live with. And if a person has a very strict diet or is particularly abstemious, they probably will not get along well with an food-loving Epicurean!

This isn’t exactly “religious” reading material, but when my husband and I were dating back in the 1970s, Cosmopolitan Magazine (I know–YUCK!!) used to publish a “quiz” issue every few months, filled with quizzes that you could give each other. The purpose was to encourage couples to talk and get to know each other. The questions ranged from simple lists of favorites (TV show, food, music, etc.) to complex political and religious questions.

We really loved these quiz issues, and spent hours talking over all the questions.

I haven’t seen this in a long time, but I know that book stores have “Getting To Know You” quiz books for dating couples. I bought one for my daughter and her fiance, and they really loved it. They went through all the quizzes in the book and it helped them a lot. At my daughter’s bridal shower, her sister created a “Quiz Game” in which she had to answer questions about her fiance before she was allowed to open a present. She didn’t miss a single question, she knew him so well.
 
Lady_Bug said:
Thank you 1ke, I won’t rule out books either - I’m lacking stamina to read books up to their last page lol, but if the information is better presented in a book - then I’ll be ok. I take it that the book is good for those who are Catholics? Because a non-Catholic perspective may not be beneficial for me:)
Click to expand...
It’s a very thin book. 👍

Although not a Catholic, Dr. Warren is a Christian. I do not recall anything in the book that was offensive.
 
the usccb.org has a short list of the 150 questions covered by the FOCCUS survey given to couples. http://www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/foccusquestions.shtml

in many diocese FOCCUS survey is completed, scored and discussed wuith the pastor BEFORE the parish allows a wedding date to be set.

if you and beloved get serious enough to talk about marriage, head over to your parish and take the FOCCUS. meet with your priest-- separate and together-- to discuss results. (testing is about $30 per couple.)

pastors are usually thrilled to meet a prospective married couple who is willing to approach marriage informed, not just in love.

husband and i have been married for 20 years. our foccus indicated we were remarkably compatible. but the single area of incompatability that showed up in our scores proved to be amazingly accurate-- prophetic, even. in the first 12 years of our marriage, we stumbled over it every time it presented itself.
 
Cat said:
I heard a priest speak at Catholic Family Conference a few weeks ago in Northern Illinois.

He said that the Number One reason for divorce is unfaithfulness. So I think that’s one issue to discuss in advance.

I remember reading once that there are six areas that cause the most fights among married couples (not in order of prominence):
  1. Money
  2. Religion
  3. Children
  4. In laws
  5. Sex
  6. Working (jobs)
Money is especially tricky and IMO, all the cards should be on the table well before an engagement. It’s awful to discover AFTER a marriage that you are married to someone with a totally different view of money than you.

Religion–personally I think that people should only date others who are the same religion as them, but I know a lot of people think they know better. Talk it out. Better to split up before a wedding than after.

Children–not just how many to have, but HOW they should be raised. A lot of couples don’t think about this at all because they’re having too much fun as a couple, and they don’t think of themselves as “parents.” But I think that couples should spend some time reading a few classic childrearing books from different philosophies (e.g., Sears vs. Dobson), and discussing these at length.

In-laws–my husband and I MOVED AWAY–far away–from our families after we were married. After we became Catholic, we learned that this is something that most Catholics would NEVER consider! But it worked well for us. We grew very close to each other as we made this break from Mommy and Daddy. Seriously a “daddy’s girl” or a “Peter Pan Man” are NOT good prospects for marriage.

Sex–there is currently a thread on this forum in which the young lady has decided to delay kissing until the wedding. That’s fine, but both members of the couple should agree on how they will manage their physical relationship, especially the issue of spacing children (NFP). I personally think that couples should talk sex over in detail, even if it’s arousing for them. Go to a Culvers or some other family restaurant and talk about it where you can’t give in to temptation! It’s sad to think that sex can be a source of conflict in a marriage, but it really can and it’s one of the most painful conflicts because it strikes at WHO you are, not just what you believe.

Working–it’s amazing how many women just assume that they will keep working forever after they are married, and then discover that it’s not so easy once they have a baby. My personal opinion is that a woman should marry a man who can support her and children on his income alone. That may mean a very simple lifestyle if the man’s income is not very high. The couple needs to discuss all this, and agree on their strategies for working after children are born.

I would add “Politics” to this list. It seems trivial, but it really does cause a lot of fights if the spouses have major disagreements over politics, especially the social issues.

Another topic I would add to this list is “Health and Fitness.” A couch potato and an wanna-be Olympian WILL have some conflicts! Also a hypochondriac is very hard for a normal person to live with. And if a person has a very strict diet or is particularly abstemious, they probably will not get along well with an food-loving Epicurean!

This isn’t exactly “religious” reading material, but when my husband and I were dating back in the 1970s, Cosmopolitan Magazine (I know–YUCK!!) used to publish a “quiz” issue every few months, filled with quizzes that you could give each other. The purpose was to encourage couples to talk and get to know each other. The questions ranged from simple lists of favorites (TV show, food, music, etc.) to complex political and religious questions.

We really loved these quiz issues, and spent hours talking over all the questions.

I haven’t seen this in a long time, but I know that book stores have “Getting To Know You” quiz books for dating couples. I bought one for my daughter and her fiance, and they really loved it. They went through all the quizzes in the book and it helped them a lot. At my daughter’s bridal shower, her sister created a “Quiz Game” in which she had to answer questions about her fiance before she was allowed to open a present. She didn’t miss a single question, she knew him so well.
Click to expand...
these are all good things to think about:) thank you.
OSUbride0708 said:
Here are some sources I found when googling:
%between%
%between%
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/1MINDHRT.TXT
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/CANA4EVE.TXT
cin.org/liter/fittied.html
Click to expand...
I really, really like that last link! Not that I didn’t like the others lol but that last one was really good.
monicatholic said:
the usccb.org has a short list of the 150 questions covered by the FOCCUS survey given to couples. http://www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/foccusquestions.shtml

in many diocese FOCCUS survey is completed, scored and discussed wuith the pastor BEFORE the parish allows a wedding date to be set.

if you and beloved get serious enough to talk about marriage, head over to your parish and take the FOCCUS. meet with your priest-- separate and together-- to discuss results. (testing is about $30 per couple.)

pastors are usually thrilled to meet a prospective married couple who is willing to approach marriage informed, not just in love.

husband and i have been married for 20 years. our foccus indicated we were remarkably compatible. but the single area of incompatability that showed up in our scores proved to be amazingly accurate-- prophetic, even. in the first 12 years of our marriage, we stumbled over it every time it presented itself.
Click to expand...
sorry but that link didn’t work for me. I don’t know why. It would have been nice if it did lol.
Truly_Beloved said:
Try this one… It has some great stuff:

foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398736

😃
Click to expand...
thank you - this is also very good:)
 
It may sound petty, but pets are another issue, as some people have a strong liking to them, and some a strong aversion to them.

Hey! It may sound “petty” but “pets,” Hahahahahahahaha I didn’t even initially intend that. Seriously!

Hold on, I want to add an emoticon to this one. :rotfl:

Well, at least I amused myself.
 
This may be of help:

nojerks.com/

It includes links to P.I.C.K. a partner and the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). I know they are very big into knowing what the family of origin is like.
 
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