What to answer?

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Ejperchenough

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What answer to give to the questions:

You are pregnant again?

Another baby so close together?

Etc. So as not to sound judgemental, uncharitable, etc. Wouldn’t it imply that I am accusing/judging them if I say something like, " we let God plan our family, we don’t contracept, etc.?

What and how should I say it?

Ps: questions from cafeteria catholic relatives.
 
It is entirely up to you. They are the ones who crossed a social boundary by raising a topic–your personal family planning decisions–that is none of their business. If their nosiness gets them more than they bargained for, that is their problem.

You can go on the counter-offensive: “Again? What is* that *supposed to mean? I suppose you think you get to have an opinion about how many children we have?” (It will not scar your nosy in-laws to hear this, trust me.)

You can go Miss Manners: “I *beg *your pardon?” (You repeat this and eventually change the subject without giving them the dignity of a reply, signalling that they have asked a socially-unacceptable question.)

You can be flippant: “You can’t have a basketball team if you space them too much. The young ones will be too short to compete, if you wait too long between kids…”

You can be an advocate for large families: “Yes, and we’re very excited. We want a large family, but not everyone who is open to having lots of children is blessed with lots of children, you know. Some people have really bought into the contraceptive mentality, too, but that is a whole other topic! Don’t even get me started!!”

You can be outrageous: “Well, yes, when both the husband and the wife have tremendous sex drives, the result can be a lot of pregnancies.”

You can take their nosiness as an invitation to ignore all social boundaries and put them on the spot with some probing questions of your own, instead: “Why do you ask? Would that make you feel uncomfortable? I’m always interested in what prompts some people to feel anxiety about other people’s decision-making. It is so fascinating to me…”
 
Ejperchenough said:
What answer to give to the questions:

You are pregnant again?

Another baby so close together?

Etc. So as not to sound judgemental, uncharitable, etc. Wouldn’t it imply that I am accusing/judging them if I say something like, " we let God plan our family, we don’t contracept, etc.?

What and how should I say it?

Ps: questions from cafeteria catholic relatives.
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I like to say “Yes, we’re hoping for twins!”.
 
“Yes! We are so excited, and the pregnancy is going great. Aren’t babies such a blessing?” After that, if relatives want to be a bummer, it’s on them. 😛
 
MyLittlPwn13 said:
“Yes! We are so excited, and the pregnancy is going great. Aren’t babies such a blessing?” After that, if relatives want to be a bummer, it’s on them. 😛
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Yes. Johann Sebastian Bach was from a family of eight and fathered a family of 20.

Yes, they could go into the whole “the world has too many people thing,” but you can counter that a willingness to have more children when actually in one’s child-bearing years is an attitude that is anything but taking over the developed world. In the US and Europe, women are having fewer children than the replacement rate. Over 1/3, when polled in their mid-to-late 40s and in their 50s, say they wish they had more children than they actually had.

“We know what we want to do. We’re not going to let you or anyone else talk us into a decision we’ll regret. We are very sure we will never regret welcoming this child. Enough said. New subject. This little one is not up for discussion. In fact, I’ll do you a favor, and not tell my kids that you think we shouldn’t have had some of them. They would be very disappointed to hear that.” Back-pedaling will usually ensue. Assure them that changing the subject would be best. In any event, insist on doing it. No good ever comes from letting someone discuss something that is none of their business as if it were. This is true even when it is your business to discuss if you like.
 
I would say well we have the means and the love to give, so why not… then give them a confused face.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is entirely up to you. They are the ones who crossed a social boundary by raising a topic–your personal family planning decisions–that is none of their business. If their nosiness gets them more than they bargained for, that is their problem.

You can go on the counter-offensive: “Again? What is* that *supposed to mean? I suppose you think you get to have an opinion about how many children we have?” (It will not scar your nosy in-laws to hear this, trust me.)

You can go Miss Manners: “I *beg *your pardon?” (You repeat this and eventually change the subject without giving them the dignity of a reply, signalling that they have asked a socially-unacceptable question.)

You can be flippant: “You can’t have a basketball team if you space them too much. The young ones will be too short to compete, if you wait too long between kids…”

You can be an advocate for large families: “Yes, and we’re very excited. We want a large family, but not everyone who is open to having lots of children is blessed with lots of children, you know. Some people have really bought into the contraceptive mentality, too, but that is a whole other topic! Don’t even get me started!!”

You can be outrageous: “Well, yes, when both the husband and the wife have tremendous sex drives, the result can be a lot of pregnancies.”

You can take their nosiness as an invitation to ignore all social boundaries and put them on the spot with some probing questions of your own, instead: “Why do you ask? Would that make you feel uncomfortable? I’m always interested in what prompts some people to feel anxiety about other people’s decision-making. It is so fascinating to me…”
Click to expand...
:rotfl: 😃 :rotfl:
 
Not actually their business.
However, through such disapproving remarks, they are possibly trying to find a way to shake you from being - from their viewpoint - foolish, and risking improvidence.

God grant you can just feel comfortable with what is happening in your family’s life,
and can find a quiet and dignified way to deal with these intrusive remarks.
If you seem troubled by their remarks and questions, then they may feel they have a hope of convincing you of what they perceive as foolish and irresponsible.
Their intentions are aimed at what they consider your welfare and the welfare of your children.
God be with you and your family.
 
We’re on our third pregnancy in 4 years, so we’re just starting to hear this kind of stuff. What we’ve done is just acted really excited.

I’ve heard lots of stories of people who became open to the faith (or open to big families) after joyful witness of others with large families, so we try to always react positively. Just about any question can be answered with “well, we just love kids!” I think that is the most disarming response possible. Sometimes I follow up with “I hope for even more!” with a big smile on my face.
 
camerong said:
We’re on our third pregnancy in 4 years, so we’re just starting to hear this kind of stuff. What we’ve done is just acted really excited.

I’ve heard lots of stories of people who became open to the faith (or open to big families) after joyful witness of others with large families, so we try to always react positively. Just about any question can be answered with “well, we just love kids!” I think that is the most disarming response possible. Sometimes I follow up with “I hope for even more!” with a big smile on my face.
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This is probably the best response in most situations. Most people won’t pursue it if you gush about how excited and happy you are. It’s so contrary to what society teaches that they tend to back off confused.

For us, when someone would keep at it and ask when we planned to stop, we’d just say we were going to keep going till we got an ugly one. That usually ended the discussion. 😃
 
Ejperchenough said:
What answer to give to the questions:

You are pregnant again?
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You could just give a clueless look and ask, “I am? Why, how in the world did that happen?”

Or, “Are you sure?”

Or, “I promise you, the next person who asks me that will rue the day. RUE THE DAY!” Then walk away in a huff.

Or, “Yeah…them other ones is gettin’ too big to cuddle.”
 
CradleJourney said:
This is probably the best response in most situations. Most people won’t pursue it if you gush about how excited and happy you are. It’s so contrary to what society teaches that they tend to back off confused.

For us, when someone would keep at it and ask when we planned to stop, we’d just say we were going to keep going till we got an ugly one. That usually ended the discussion. 😃
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I’m a fan of that one!

A little bit ago my husband went to a mutual friend’s house who is expecting a baby. They don’t know the gender, but we offered to give them some clothes if they have a boy. Dad-to-be’s first response was, “Why, are you done?” :rolleyes:

My husband said, “Probably not, but we’ve got more than enough clothes to share!” Which is true. We did not buy many baby clothes, and I’ve donated a lot, but at one point we probably had enough baby clothes for a daycare. It surprised me that the friend’s first instinct was that we were suggesting that we weren’t having more children.
 
CradleJourney said:
This is probably the best response in most situations. Most people won’t pursue it if you gush about how excited and happy you are. It’s so contrary to what society teaches that they tend to back off confused.

For us, when someone would keep at it and ask when we planned to stop, we’d just say we were going to keep going till we got an ugly one. That usually ended the discussion. 😃
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I think the most universally-applicable strategy is to let them know, by which ever way you choose, that the choice isn’t up for a vote. People can be incredibly pushy about their views on family size!! There gets to be a point where the only skill that will get you gracefully out of their grasp is skill in changing the subject and refusing to take their baiting.
 
pensmama87 said:
I’m a fan of that one!

A little bit ago my husband went to a mutual friend’s house who is expecting a baby. They don’t know the gender, but we offered to give them some clothes if they have a boy. Dad-to-be’s first response was, “Why, are you done?” :rolleyes:

My husband said, “Probably not, but we’ve got more than enough clothes to share!” Which is true. We did not buy many baby clothes, and I’ve donated a lot, but at one point we probably had enough baby clothes for a daycare. It surprised me that the friend’s first instinct was that we were suggesting that we weren’t having more children.
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A lot of people ask that question when friends with children offer baby items. They don’t want to take something that might be needed later.

I asked that question a few times for just that reason. When my family and friends with kids gave me baby Items, especially the more expensive like crib and car seat, I’d ask if they were sure they wouldn’t need those things in the future before accepting them.

One friend is near her due date with her 10th baby. Another is having her 7th. I make a lot of sports team and how I like even numbers jokes. a lot of people among their other friends and family members give them grief over the large family thing. I try to make it funny for them. 😃

Slightly OT parent brag. When I told my daughter, aged 16, our friends were expecting again the first thing out of her mouth was “Do they need help?” She wants to go over and do some chores and kid wrangling for my friends so they can get some rest. Love that this is her response.
 
Thanks everyone for so many good responses. I can use almost all depending on the person and their tone.

God bless you!
 
Ejperchenough said:
What answer to give to the questions:

You are pregnant again?

Another baby so close together?

Etc. So as not to sound judgemental, uncharitable, etc. Wouldn’t it imply that I am accusing/judging them if I say something like, " we let God plan our family, we don’t contracept, etc.?

What and how should I say it?

Ps: questions from cafeteria catholic relatives.
Click to expand...
If someone asks you a rude question that’s not their business or makes a rude statement about something personal you don’t owe them a polite answer. Actually you don’t owe anyone any answer to a question like that. I would likely say something along the lines “And how is that any of your business” or if you want to be nice you can just say “That question or statement is too personal and I don’t feel comfortable sharing or providing that information” or simply “That’s personal” and leave it at that. 👍
 
pensmama87 said:
I’m a fan of that one!

A little bit ago my husband went to a mutual friend’s house who is expecting a baby. They don’t know the gender, but we offered to give them some clothes if they have a boy. Dad-to-be’s first response was, “Why, are you done?” :rolleyes:

My husband said, “Probably not, but we’ve got more than enough clothes to share!” Which is true. We did not buy many baby clothes, and I’ve donated a lot, but at one point we probably had enough baby clothes for a daycare. It surprised me that the friend’s first instinct was that we were suggesting that we weren’t having more children.
Click to expand...
Maybe they were going to give the old warning that if you want to limit the size of your family you should not give away any baby-care items until you are at least two years into menopause. Nothing paves the way for another pregnancy like giving away your favorite maternity dress and your really great high chair!! 😃
 
There are some good answers given so far, and some quite funny ones too.

But I would like to make a suggestion. I think any answer given should be friendly and generous. Some of the options offered are a bit too blunt and confrontational IMO. The reason I suggest this is that family size has become one of the key means of marking our faith in the modern world. A larger family, for those blessed with one, is a gift from God and a sign of our cooperation with Him, and a clear sign of the practising of our faith. I feel this should be shared as joyfully as possible.

If people seem rude in the way they ask the question, rather than feeling offended, try for a moment to feel pitty for them. If they can’t understand why a larger family is (can be at least) a blessing, then they are missing something of a deeper understanding of life. If you seem rude back to them, you are only sharing in this. Your answer should reflect the joy of God’s blessings in your life, not reflect your offense at the rudeness of others.
 
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