What to discuss before marriage?

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My fiance and I are not scheduled to get married until June of next year, but we are already trying to be open and have important conversations now that we are engaged since he and I feel its good to get used to the openess we need during marriage. One thing we were unsure on is about sex. Would we be sinning to talk about expectations or things we like or don’t like? Obviously not talking if it places us in a moment of sin physically, but what do others think? Thanks so much for your responses.
FanofPope 😃
 
It’s good to discuss matters concerning your relationship and beliefs, but I guess you already know that it might not be helpful to dwell too much on the intricacies of sex in your future relationship, just in basic principles, if that’s what you mean, but not to bring the subject up again if you have agreement, because if you wish to remain celebate before marriage you don’t want to make it harder or create ‘occasions of sin’
You are both only human!

May the Holy Spirit remain with you both always so that your relationship is always lived in God’s love and grace.

Congratulations on your engagement! 🙂 Trishie
 
Trishie said:
It’s good to discuss matters concerning your relationship and beliefs, but I guess you already know that it might not be helpful to dwell too much on the intricacies of sex in your future relationship, just in basic principles, if that’s what you mean, but not to bring the subject up again if you have agreement, because if you wish to remain celebate before marriage you don’t want to make it harder or create ‘occasions of sin’
You are both only human!

May the Holy Spirit remain with you both always so that your relationship is always lived in God’s love and grace.

Congratulations on your engagement! 🙂 Trishie
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Totally agree here…
Important topics… no particular order

  1. *]money
    *]children
    *]discipline
    *]nfp
    *]expectations about chores like cooking, lawn mowing etc…
    *]sex
    *]prayer
    *]wedding mass and reception
    *]foods you like to cook/eat
    *]etc…
 
Okay. I think in some ways I can see your points. With some time to go, holding of until we are a little closer makes sense. I mean its a topic we will have to discuss in detail, but maybe waiting will help us to avoid occassions of sin and place less pressure on us. Any other opinions… if others feel as long as you do not feel extra pressure to fall, its okay and good to begin that openess or again, hold off just to be safe. Not saying trying to push us to the limits, but trying to make sense of how best to prepare.
FanofPope 😃
 
FanofPope… my dh and I discussed sex for a while before our marriage because we were both married before (and received decrees of nullity) and sex was an issue for both of us in previous relationships. A few times we did have to drop it because we both were tempted… it wasn’t easy but what helped us was to pray together about it. Nothing like prayer to make you lose the “urge” to do something you know you shouldn’t…kwim?
 
Okay BlestOne. Maybe my fiance and I can sit down and dicuss how much to discuss at this point and if it would be helpful to start being open at this point. yeah the prayer idea would be a good idea to help us focus not so much on temptations, but to be honest and show a desire to love one another in a proper holy way! I came across the “Holy Sex” book by that one Catholic author and maybe that would be a good book to read and discuss together. Yeah so long as we avoid temptation and don’t dwell on it as the only thing we discuss, maybe it will allow us to grow in this time of preparation.
FanofPope:D
 
FanofPope said:
Okay BlestOne. Maybe my fiance and I can sit down and dicuss how much to discuss at this point and if it would be helpful to start being open at this point. yeah the prayer idea would be a good idea to help us focus not so much on temptations, but to be honest and show a desire to love one another in a proper holy way! I came across the “Holy Sex” book by that one Catholic author and maybe that would be a good book to read and discuss together. Yeah so long as we avoid temptation and don’t dwell on it as the only thing we discuss, maybe it will allow us to grow in this time of preparation.
FanofPope:D
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You will probably have to attend some kind or pre-marital stuff before your wedding. Usually they’ll cover sex in one of the talks. That might be a good time to have your discussion.

Peae,
Linda
 
Yep… you are on the right track here Fan… you don’t want to totally avoid the subject… just balance it out with all the other things… and… I can’t stress this enough… pray together!!! Less than 1% of marriages where the couple pray together everyday split up!

I did everything the wrong way my first time around… I have only been married 3 yrs (in 4 days :D) but we can’t believe how different is when you keep Christ at the center of your marriage.
 
LindaS said:
You will probably have to attend some kind or pre-marital stuff before your wedding. Usually they’ll cover sex in one of the talks. That might be a good time to have your discussion.

Peae,
Linda
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Linda… I really believe it is good to talk about it before and after the sex talk. It is good to go into the talk knowing what you agree and disagree on rather than face a disagreement at that moment. But maybe that is just me…
 
also include religion and values, your family of origin, communication skills and respect for one another’s personality, traits, habits etc. Talk about your common interests, families and friends, finances, goals, division of work in family, dual careers, and keep talking…Work out ways to resolve differences, talk about children, where you are going to live. Talk about your debts you bring into your relationship, loans, school or else wise.
And keep talking. There is so much.

For lots of good things…look at www.foryourmarriage.org
for more information tips.
 
Yeah we were thinking about signing up for a pre-marital encounter so maybe this would be a good idea because of that and maybe that book on top of it would help. Yeah, we want to discuss those other things as well stbruno, all very important!
 
I third the website… I actually contacted them and they put me in touch with my diocese family life office to see what I can do to help…
 
stbruno said:
also include religion and values, your family of origin, communication skills and respect for one another’s personality, traits, habits etc. Talk about your common interests, families and friends, finances, goals, division of work in family, dual careers, and keep talking…Work out ways to resolve differences, talk about children, where you are going to live. Talk about your debts you bring into your relationship, loans, school or else wise.
And keep talking. There is so much.

For lots of good things…look at www.foryourmarriage.org
for more information tips.
Click to expand...
I fourth this website!
 
Thank you all for the advice. Yeah all those things are important to talk about. It was not just the sex issuse we wanted to discuss, but all these issues like career and family and I think these will all help us. Just did not know how prudent and what details on my original question, but BlestOne helped a lot to put it in good perspective and a way to avoid temptation.
Thanks!!
FanofPope:D
 
Also talk about career goals and plans. What each of you is willing to sacrifice for the other. My fiance was offered a position in Alabama. I wasn’t willing to relocate that far away from my friends and family, and take up sweating as a hobby.

Talk about your friends and what you feel is important to do with them, whether it’s one night a week for girls night out or having them over a lot for parties.

Talk about what your expectations are for resolving disagreements. My fiance and I do go to bed angry. We don’t buy into the whole settle things before you go to sleep deal. We are both stubborn people and sometimes we each need to sleep on it and cooler heads prevail in the morning.

Talk about who’s responsibilities are who’s around the house. I’m a neat freak, my fiance is amazed that he puts dishes somewhere near the sink and somehow they end up clean and back in the cabinets. He believes there are little gnomes in our kitchen. 🙂 But I know if I’m feeling burnt, he will do laundry.

Figure out your daily patterns. I got to bed early. I get up early. I walk the dog, go to the gym and go to work.go to school, do homework, clean the house and go to bed around 9 and watch tv He lounges around showers, goes to work comes home and watches tv. He does more things on the weekend.

Figure out things you like to do alone. He golfs, I run. He fixes things, I shop for new things. Learn how to respect each others spaces and boundaries. Yes marriage is being together, but you still need some times when it’s JUST you.

Learn to make decisions together. Honest to God cooperative decisions wheree both people compromise. Learn how to pick your battles.
 
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