What to do about 18 YO with drinking problems

[PLeeD]

My son is almost 19. He lived with his mother (my ex) all his life with only weekend visits to my home. Even those weekend visits stopped years ago once he was old enough to refuse to come here.

The dynamic is this; his mother placed no expectations or limits on him. He was given all the creature comforts, electronic gadgets, best clothes and shoes, etc., but with no guidance. She expected nothing from him other than to stay out of her hair. At my house there were rules and expectations, so it’s easy to understand why he would rather be at her house.

Most of his negative behaviors were hidden from me. It turns out he has been drinking for years already. His mother kept all sorts of adult beverages around the house, and he had access to them. I guess it was another way to keep him out of her hair. Six months ago he was picked up after midnight while riding a bicycle, and arrested for underage consumption of alcohol.

Fast forward to a few months ago, while drinking at his mother’s home he ended up pushing his mother down in an argument. The police were called. He went to jail and a no contact order was put in place to bar him from seeing his mother.

After a few days in the county jail he came to live with me. He has been living here for almost three months now. I had always encouraged him that he should come to live with me. I’m sorry that it had to happen this way, but I’m glad he’s here. Despite fears of what might happen with him here, things have been pretty good. He hasn’t caused any problems around the house. He hasn’t had any alcohol while here at home. I am sure he has had drinks at other places, friends houses, etc. But, so far there haven’t been any problems at home.

But, he did visit some friends at a nearby college a few weeks ago. While there he was taken into custody by the campus police for underage drinking. So this is his third charge in six months.

My wife (I’ve been remarried 14 years, I’m familiar with Catholic teaching on remarriage, I’m protestant, I don’t need a lesson at this time)…

Anyway, my wife thinks I need to essentially ground him. Take away his car keys and not allow him to drive unless going to school or work. The car is his, titled and registered in his name, but I pay his insurance, and have paid for miscellaneous repairs. Also, my wife wants him to be told that if he continues to drink he will have to find someplace else to live. She informed me this evening that I can do this her way, or I can do it on my own. I infer that she is implying she will move out of the house if her expectations are not met.

My inclination is to continue providing him a roof over his head and food to eat, while encouraging him to do the right things. It will be up to him to make the right decisions. I don’t think he will accept the ultimatum of no more drinking, and he will in fact pack up and leave. I think that forcing him out of the house into a less desirable living arrangement isn’t going to do him any good.

I could surely use some wise advice regarding two things. 1) What can I do to guide my son into doing the right things, and 2) how should I deal with my wife’s demands?

 

[Kathleen18]

I see that you your son and want what is best for him. Since he has been doing this for years, he probably has an alcohol addiction. He needs to hit rock bottom. If he gets behind the wheel of a car and he is drunk, he could kill himself or someone else. You will be enabling him if you let him stay under your roof and he continues drinking. I suggest tough love and al-anon.
GOD BLESS!!

 

[Xantippe]

Everything your wife says sounds reasonable. I think I’d add that he needs to go to rehab NOW if he wants to live with you (unless it would interfere with school).

If your son won’t stop drinking, even after three charges in six months, loss of his relationship with his mom, and the prospect of losing a place to live, he’s an alcoholic.

You’re also not treating it seriously enough that he pushed his mother down while drinking and that she put a no contact order on him. After all these years of looking the other way, it must have gotten really bad for her to finally turn to the authorities.

What makes you think he wouldn’t hurt you or your wife?

One of the most troubling things about your story is his lack of remorse and lack of a desire to get on the right track.

 

[1ke]

Alcohol, anger and aggression— these are merely the surface symptoms. Yes, he’s spoiled and has had little in the way of structure, responsibilities, expectations, and consequences for behavior. But there is something underlying this.

Coming down like a hammer isn’t going to be productive. He needs reasonable rules for a 19 year old and he probably needs less free time on his hands.

I would encourage you to get some individual and family counseling to help him get to the bottom of the unresolved emotional issues fueling the drinking and acting out. Maybe it stems from your divorce or from his relationship with his mother or with you, or all of the above. Get to the bottom of his unhappiness and rebellion.

 

[guanophore]

I think that forcing him out of the house into a less desirable living arrangement isn’t going to do him any good.

First, stop getting him out of jail. Let him sit there.

Second, he has a drinking problem. If the legal system has not forced him into getting a substance abuse assessment, ask him to get one yourself.

You are right that a less desirable living arrangement is not going to do him good, but ultimately, it will harm him more if you shield him from the consequences of his drinking. better he experience them fully and immediately, as consequences are more likely to precipitate change.

Your wife is right, if he continues to drink, he should live elsewhere.

My inclination is to continue providing him a roof over his head and food to eat, while encouraging him to do the right things. It will be up to him to make the right decisions. I

This is called enabling, and will only exacerbate his problem. He has already demonstrated that he has a loss of control with regard to drinking. He has already not made good decisions.

 

[F_Marturana]

I would suggest trying to get him into rehab, or at least AA.

I think 18 is still young enough to see a pediatrician?

I remember a doctor telling me a number of years ago that teens turn to alcohol to self medicate psychological issues like anxiety or bipolar.

I would get him s physical and ask the doctor for help.

 

[JetteZ]

I’d suggesst you and your wife attend an al-anon meeting and reach out for support and professional help through them and their resources.

What it looks like to love your son through this difficult time is way too complicated for internet advice.

 

[Legend]

You say things were ‘pretty much normal’. But your wife wants to kick him out, to the point of moving out herself, if her wishes aren’t met.

Either your marriage was already suffering, or your son has been disrupting the home. Are you at home as much as your wife is? More important, has she been put, essentially, ‘in charge’ of your son?

I’m not asking you to inventory your marriage here. Just be honest, and listen to your wife. It does sound as if you have a blind spot where your son is concerned,. What were the police and courts going to do if you couldn’t or wouldn’t accept your son into your life, after he was released from jail? Find out! I doubt that they’d just let him starve on the streets. There are shelters and group homes. Halfway houses, too, if he admits to having trouble with alcohol. It may not be the best life, or what he’s used to, but he wouldn’t starve. And, you can let him come back home once he shows some promise.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

When I was in high school I was friends with a few boys who could be your son…an appeasing co-dependant mother who isn’t capable of handling the kid(s), and the boy doesn’t want any of his father’s discipline or guidance. Boy devolves into his own worst enemy.

In my opinion, your son has to take precedent over your wife in this situation. I think that your current attitude and approach is the right one. You are not going to be able to give your son ultimatums, or drop the hammer on him, at this point. The results of that would be disastrous. You are going to have to hold his hand as if he were a child crossing the road for the first time…which, metaphorically speaking, he is.

Your task with him is going to be so difficult that I don’t think anyone would fault you if things don’t work out after you’ve given it your best shot.

Getting him to see a counselor/doctor would be high on the list of things to do. I think you should give him little bits of responsibility at a time. Walk him through whatever steps necessary, like helping him find a job. And be patient.

 

[graciew]

Sit down with him.
Talk. Find spaces,activities, for you both to share and also take the oppportunity as it presents. Be there.
He has answers,thoughts,fears ,questions,that we do not know.
You are his father and always will be. He has a mother,work with her in the best interest of your son
I do not agree with sending him to the street .It has only been 3 months with you. He is 19. Plenty of room for improvement and building a bond that he lacked with you .
Find objective help in a good counsellor,psychologist, somebody seasoned and recommended to guide you.

 

[Xantippe]

We have a young woman in our extended family who got into a lot of bad stuff starting around that age: a long-term abusive relationship, alcohol and prescription drugs.

The good news is that she has is clean and sober and settled down to a productive, reasonably happy life. The bad news is that she has brain damage and that it took around 10 years for her to get clean.

It wasn’t possible for her to live with her parents during that time for a lot of reasons, as it was really scary standing between her and her next fix. They funded separate housing for her, which was very expensive for them. It’s a real judgment call as to whether they should have been funding her housing, but she’s doing OK now.

She almost died many times though.

I don’t recommend living with an addict.

 

[Irishmom2]

Best post I have read all day. I agree 100%. The OP’s current wife is absolutely correct.

OP, if you do not do what your wife suggests, you are doing exactly what your ex did, and look how that worked out. He is 19. He is in your house not because you have a legal obligation, but because you love him and want him there. Lay out the conswpequences of him getting in trouble again.

Please, watch some episodes of Intervention on A&E. You have to be strong, and you cannot enable your son any longer.

 

[heidi_storage]

You may find Al Anon useful; lots of parents have dealt with this heartbreak.

Unfortunately, I am not optimistic about your son’s cleaning up any time soon. My older brother put us through all kinds of misery before he had to flee the state; bailing him out and keeping him at home did nothing to help him and harmed the rest of us.

You and your wife need to be on the same page with regard to your son. That means working this out with her so that you present a united front. Although I agree with her suggested approach, I do not think she should be forcing you to do something by threatening you. Gather information, think this through, and then talk to your wife and ask her to support you as you seek to guide your son into better paths.

I’m sorry. This is hard.

 

[guanophore]

I would suggest trying to get him into rehab, or at least AA.

Rehab and AA are for people who want to stop using.

I think 18 is still young enough to see a pediatrician?

Most pediatricians stop at 18.

I remember a doctor telling me a number of years ago that teens turn to alcohol to self medicate psychological issues like anxiety or bipolar.

They do, but most young people just do it because they like it, and keep doing it until they become harmfully involved.

You are not going to be able to give your son ultimatums, or drop the hammer on him, at this point. The results of that would be disastrous.

Why stop now? There have always been rules in dad’s house, why should that change? He is old enough to make his own choice. Either he does what he needs to do to stay there, or chooses not to do so.

The results will be much MORE disastrous to enable this behavior.

You are going to have to hold his hand as if he were a child crossing the road for the first time…which, metaphorically speaking, he is.

He is going off on his own, misusing alcohol, and getting arrested. How is dad going to hand hold him?!

I do not agree with sending him to the street .It has only been 3 months with you. He is 19. Plenty of room for improvement and building a bond that he lacked with you .

These two are not mutually exclusive. A relationship can be built while setting limits and expectations. If this is not done immediately, he can end up 25, then 35, or even 45 still doing the same thing!

You may find Al Anon useful; lots of parents have dealt with this heartbreak.

The principles of Al-Anon will also help you make ongoing decisions about how to handle the crises that tend to occur in the lives of family members who are harmfully involved with subtances.

 

[PLeeD]

Thanks for all the replies. Lots of helpful stuff here. It’s already made me approach things a bit differently. I’m more sure about taking a harder line with him.

Just to clear up one aspect of this… I have not seen him be aggressive in the past either when sober or while drinking. The thing with his mother was somewhat an aberration. And, in his version of events, her live-in boyfriend started the entire thing.

There has been none of that an my house. As far as his behavior here my wife really doesn’t have any complaints either. Our marriage is already strained for sure, so this is just another irritant on a lot of sore spots.

I stopped by a behavioural health center today to try and set up some family counseling, but the person I need to talk to was already gone. I have her number and will call in the morning.

Someone said rehab is for people who want to quit. My son is not in that place yet. Is family counseling the best thing right now?

 

[Xantippe]

The thing with his mother was somewhat an aberration. And, in his version of events, her live-in boyfriend started the entire thing.

There has been none of that an my house.

The number of arrests your son has had is very unusual for the average drinking minor. Most people who drink as minors manage to avoid having that much contact with law enforcement in a short period of time.

Here’s a book I read years ago: “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children.”

It looks like there are a lot of books on Amazon devoted to related subjects.

Best wishes!

 

[graciew]

Is family counseling the best thing right now?

Yes. That was quick
That is what you thought best and you know the situation.
Have faith and all the best for you all.

 

[guanophore]

I stopped by a behavioural health center today to try and set up some family counseling, but the person I need to talk to was already gone. I have her number and will call in the morning.

Someone said rehab is for people who want to quit. My son is not in that place yet. Is family counseling the best thing right now?

You did the right thing by setting up a family meeting. It is important to meet with your son and a therapist and maybe your wife too and talk about how his behavior is affecting everyone.

Rehab is most important in the late stages of addiction, which it does not sound like he is right now. AA can help people in any stage, but it is a voluntary spiritually based program that will help best if he chooses it himself.

In the meantime, you can go to Al Anon with your wife so that you can learn the steps and be educated about how best, as a loved one, to be helpful.

 

[PLeeD]

A bit more info…

When asked this evening, my wife specifically said that she has no problem with his behavior here at home. He hasn’t completely become part of the family, and mostly keeps to himself. That hurts her feelings some that he doesn’t talk to her much, but he hasn’t been a problem for her.

Her only issue with him is the breaking of the law and getting into trouble.

But, when I talked about the family counseling, she asked why she should go? She said he doesn’t want to talk to her anyway. I’m OK with that. I gave her the opportunity to come if she wants to but it’s OK with me if she doesn’t.

I broached the subject with him today that if he can’t get with the program and start doing the right things then maybe he needs to find a new place to live. When faced with ultimatums like that, or any suggestion that there might be consequences to his actions, he shrugs it off, basically saying “OK fine”. He left in his car this afternoon and hasn’t come home tonight. Not sure where he’s at. I’m sure he can use some prayers!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

i said a prayer for him.
I don’t have much to add to what everybody else said. Your son is a legal adult, so I’m not sure how much you can do to help him at this stage except to practice tough love and stop enabling the behavior, which it sounds like you’re doing. I’m not surprised at his reaction; people who drink are usually into self-numbing and his “okay fine” and lack of reaction to you setting limits are probably concealing some pretty significant emotions.