What to do about 18 YO with drinking problems

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I’ll offer my opinion which comes from experiencing life more like your son. Some have suggested your son is an alcoholic. I don’t know about that. It sounds like he has a drinking problem, but if I had to guess the drinking is a solution to his real problem.

His real problem likely is divorce. It is having a step mother and having a live in boyfriend. He very likely feels unwanted. Divorce is really hard on kids. It doesn’t matter what the parents think about it. It is. Their problem just beings the day of the divorce. The kids can’t express their feelings about it. They can’t say they don’t like the stepmother or boyfriend, who probably doesn’t like them as much as they would their own flesh and blood. They have to suck it up and act like everything is OK.

The boy is at an age where these things come to a head. He is at an age where he can get into real trouble. If you just try to crack down on him you’ll likely fail to help him. You need to gently and slowly work on him. The first thing you have to do is make him feel loved and wanted. You have to make him feel loved and wanted because he is valuable no matter what he does. He’ll probably do more stupid things, as do most young men. But he has no stability. He has no foundation. He is floundering around because he’s never had stability. If you suddenly impose some strict routine he’ll probably perceive that as a lack of love.

Those are my thoughts. I don’t actually know your situation. I could be wrong. But I’ve seen and experienced enough to feel fairly confident at least some of what I wrote is true.
 
I am a bit confused by your comments about your wife. In your OP, she seemed bothered by your sons behavior, and in the other post, she says she doesn’t have a problem and won’t join in therapy.

As a previous poster said, the divorce could be part of it. Is there a relationship with your wife and son? It doesn’t sound like it.

A son needs his father. Perhaps it has been that way for many years and you were unaware of how much he needs you. Try and give him extra attention without enabling him. Spend time with him by yourselves doing something.
 
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His wife isn t his son’s mother,Irishmom.
That is why she asked why she should go to family counselling and preferred not to.
At least that is what I understood.
 
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I know, but she has been his stepmom since he was 5. For being in his life for fifteen years, she seems to be distant.
 
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Irishmom2, both of my statements are accurate. She has been fine with him being here at our house. He hasn’t caused any problems here in the home. She is disappointed that he isn’t engaging with her, but that’s all.

She is greatly bothered that he is continuing to drink in other locations, and thinks it’s important enough to kick him out if he won’t stop drinking completely.

To reiterate, her problem is with his continued drinking and getting in trouble outside the home, not anything he’s doing while at home. She would like a closer relationship with him but it’s not happening on its own. It probably is best if she doesn’t take an active role in any discipline.
 
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Exnihilo, thanks for that. It’s very much in line with my thinking.

I understand the whole ‘tough love’ thing. If he were doing these things at home and causing problems here I would have no problem with it. But, I don’t think he is drinking every day. I’m not sure it’s a full blown alcoholic situation. It’s concerning for sure, but like I originally said, I don’t think him being on his own is going to get good results.

But, it’s fair to say that what I’m doing isn’t working so far either. I hope there is a middle ground that can do some good.
 
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I disagree, if she wants to get closer, she should attend the therapy. He may disclose something that is bothering him that she may be able to help with. It’s worth a try.
 
One other thing that I’d add from my personal experience. When I turned 18 I wanted to get away from home and be on my own. The reasons were home life was awful and unstable, and if I could take care of myself I’d have some sort of foundation. I didn’t feel taken care of by my parents. They didn’t provide a sure foundation.

I wanted to join the military. Not for any reason other than it would get me away. I couldn’t due to trivial health reasons. I ended up going to college because that is what you do. I in many ways got worse over the next too years. I then took a year off. I lived and worked in the town I went to school. Luckily I worked for a good man who was an excellent mentor. He instilled in me a good work ethic and in general helped me to grow into a man. All of this gave me a foundation I had been lacking.

I say this because I don’t know what your son’s plans are, if any. In many families there is a lot of pressure to go to school. But school isn’t a great place for a troubled kid. Working and being able to support himself in some way could be a very good thing.
 
PLeeD said:
I hope there is a middle ground that can do some good.
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You can have expectations for him staying there, like working and/or going to school,and participating in family counseling with you. He needs help, so that he does not progress to a worse state in this relationship with alcohol.
exnihilo said:
But school isn’t a great place for a troubled kid. Working and being able to support himself in some way could be a very good thing.
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Granted university may not meet the need, but certainly a vocational program that will do job training may be more appropriate. Forward direction toward independence is the goal, and redirecting whatever needs are getting met by abusing alcohol.

The reason it might be good for stepmom to participate in family therapy is that family support and belonging is crucial to overcoming substance dependencies. The more connection they feel, the more likely they will be able to change direction. the “distance” will not be helpful.
 
guanophore said:
Granted university may not meet the need, but certainly a vocational program that will do job training may be more appropriate. Forward direction toward independence is the goal, and redirecting whatever needs are getting met by abusing alcohol.

The reason it might be good for stepmom to participate in family therapy is that family support and belonging is crucial to overcoming substance dependencies. The more connection they feel, the more likely they will be able to change direction. the “distance” will not be helpful.
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The reason I suggested to get a job is because being able to support himself may give the kid the foundation on which he can build his life. Divorce gives children a sense of being unwanted and being uncared for. It causes a wound deep within a person. It isn’t the same as a parent dying. If a foundation doesn’t exist then you can’t build anything.

The stepmom may be unhelpful because the kid doesn’t consider her his mom. And she isn’t. He can see her competing for his dad’s affection and loyalty. He can see his dad as having abandoned him for her. She is quite likely part of the problem and she will likely never see it that way.
 
exnihilo said:
The stepmom may be unhelpful because the kid doesn’t consider her his mom. And she isn’t. He can see her competing for his dad’s affection and loyalty. He can see his dad as having abandoned him for her. She is quite likely part of the problem and she will likely never see it that way.
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Yes, I agree with you, but healing needs to happen, because the situation is what it is. The festering wound just drives more drinking to numb the pain.
 
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