What to do about Catholic friend wanting to do IVF?

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sydney28

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I have friends who have been trying to have a baby for years, and she told me today that they are going to go ahead and try IVF now. They are practicing Catholics and I truly think that they do not realize IVF is against church teaching. Should I tell them?

I’m very torn - on one hand, I think IVF is just a horrible idea, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s almost cruel to inform her about it when they are so desperate for a baby. I just hate the thought of knowing little lives could be abused and wasted due to their choosing to go through with this.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you address it?
 
This is a difficult and rather delicate situation. Having experienced infertility myself, I know the longing to have a child is extremely strong.

Yet there are so many reasons this technique is sinful and harmful.

First, the child is conceived outside of the marital act. The husband’s sperm is collected outside the marital act in a sinful manner.

Once the eggs are fertilized by the sperm, life begins. Yet a scientist decides which of these fertilized eggs will be implanted and which will die. Sometimes some of the extra little people are frozen for possible future use.

Then, if too many of the embryos implant, the doctor will likely suggest that they remove some embryos so the others will have a better chance (selective abortion). In this case, the doctor decided who will live and who will die.

This was a difficult decision for us when we reached the point that IVF was our next option. And as much as I wanted a child, I couldn’t see that my desire was more important than all the little babies that would be destroyed in the process, or in the sinful nature of the entire process.

We lifted our desire to God, and He led us to adoption. IVF is also usually very expensive (often much more than adoption) and there are already so many little ones who need loving homes. For me, the desire to become a parent became much stronger than the desire to be pregnant, and God honored that desire.

Please feel free to share this with your friend.
 
I agree with Didi’s post.
Your friend was open enough to share her plans with you, so you could just sit down with her and gently share your concerns about IVF. The main problem with it lies in the “extra” embryos who are either frozen or destroyed. How terrible for your friend to find out this information later on, after she’s gone ahead and done it - much better to inform her beforehand.

There are so many little children in foster care who unless they are adopted, will be there until they age out of the system, subject to molestation, discrimination, and frequent moves – many foster parents are excellent but others not so. Our daughter was 10 months old when she came to us, and there are more and more babies in the system who need stable homes.

People don’t think they could love a child they didn’t give birth to, but that’s not true. The child’s origin makes no difference once you realize that child relies on you.

Please mention this possibility to your friend.​

 
sydney28 said:
I have friends who have been trying to have a baby for years, and she told me today that they are going to go ahead and try IVF now. They are practicing Catholics and I truly think that they do not realize IVF is against church teaching. Should I tell them?

I’m very torn - on one hand, I think IVF is just a horrible idea, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s almost cruel to inform her about it when they are so desperate for a baby. I just hate the thought of knowing little lives could be abused and wasted due to their choosing to go through with this.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you address it?
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Perhaps you could suggest that she speak to her priest.
 
blessedtoo said:
Perhaps you could suggest that she speak to her priest.
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Only if you can be reasonably sure that the priest will actually tell her what the Church teachers. That’s not always a given.😦

If you honestly think she’s never heard the Catholic position on it, and you are close friends, I’d tell her. Think and pray about it first, and then pray a heck of a lot more that her heart will be open to the truth.

Margaret
 
sydney28 said:
I have friends who have been trying to have a baby for years, and she told me today that they are going to go ahead and try IVF now. They are practicing Catholics and I truly think that they do not realize IVF is against church teaching. Should I tell them?
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Yes!

But, give them information on Pope Paul VI Institute also.

www.popepaulvi.com
sydney28 said:
I’m very torn - on one hand, I think IVF is just a horrible idea, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s almost cruel to inform her about it when they are so desperate for a baby. I just hate the thought of knowing little lives could be abused and wasted due to their choosing to go through with this.
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What is cruel is staying silent and allowing them to proceed to a gravely immoral act that they will have to answer for in eternity without even trying to inform their conscience.
sydney28 said:
Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you address it?
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Yes. One of my friends was in a book study we did on “12 Tough Issues”… a book by Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk… and this was covered. He and his wife then began having trouble conceving and I hear (I don’t live there anymore) may be pursuing IVF now.

So, be prepared that some people will go ahead at all costs even when they **know **it is wrong.

But, others will consider what you say and search for moral options.

Don’t neglect to say something and then kick yourself because you didn’t. Better to tell them in a loving way. If they accept it, great. If they reject it, at least you tried. If they reject you, they weren’t really friends to start with.
 
How does this sound? ( I borrowed some words from Didi - thanks)

*Dear *****,
You have been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel really strongly that I’m being led to teach you about something that you may be unaware of. I know that you and ***** have been struggling so much with trying to have a baby - and while ***** and I haven’t been trying nearly as long, I can kind of understand how hard it is to feel such a strong desire for something that seems to be out of your control. I know that going ahead with fertility treatments (namely, IVF) seems like a way to make your dream to be parents a reality, but I hope you will consider some really serious issues that go along with that choice.

There are so many reasons this technique is sinful and harmful.

First, the child is conceived outside of the marital act. The sperm is collected outside the marital act in a manner that goes against the church’s teaching.

Once the eggs are fertilized by the sperm, life begins. Yet a scientist decides which of these fertilized eggs will be implanted and which will die. Sometimes some of the extra little people are frozen for possible future use.

Then, if too many of the embryos implant, the doctor will likely suggest that they remove some embryos so the others will have a better chance (selective abortion). In this case, the doctor decided who will live and who will die.

In-Vitro is a technique that is condemned by the Catholic church, but there are other fertility treatments that keep in line with doing things in a way that doesn’t destroy or bring harm to the newly conceived embryos.

Here are a few links, including one for the Pope Paul institute that is a fertility institute using only methods that are fully compatible with the church.
usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/treatment.htm
catholicinsight.com/online/church/vatican/article_475.shtml
popepaulvi.com/

I hope that you are not upset with me for bringing this up - it has just been stirring in my heart almost constantly since you first mentioned it to me and I knew that God was leading me to talk to you about it. Obviously you are dear to me and your friendship means so much, and I wouldn’t have considered telling you all this if I thought you weren’t fully devoted to your faith - but I know that you and ***** both are a beautiful Christian, Catholic couple who always strive to follow Christ! I will be praying for you guys, as I know that you have been through such difficulty with all of this! Please know that I love you (and always will!) and ultimately want you to follow your heart :)*
 
I would change this wording:

I feel really strongly that I’m being led to teach you about something that you may be unaware of.

to this:

I feel really strongly that I’m being led to talk to you about something that you may be unaware of.

BUT… I would strongly encourage you to speak to her instead of writing an email, in person if possible. An email doesn’t really seem the way to go about discussing such a topic. And, really, it’s not a discussion-- it’s one-way communication.

I think the words you are using are very good, but they should be said and not written.
 
1ke said:
I would change this wording:

I feel really strongly that I’m being led to teach you about something that you may be unaware of.

to this:

I feel really strongly that I’m being led to talk to you about something that you may be unaware of.

BUT… I would strongly encourage you to speak to her instead of writing an email, in person if possible. An email doesn’t really seem the way to go about discussing such a topic. And, really, it’s not a discussion-- it’s one-way communication.

I think the words you are using are very good, but they should be said and not written.
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Thank you for the suggestion. And it probably would be better to talk in person - it just helps me to write it out first 🙂
 
It might be helpful to have printed out for your friend some of the links people have listed above so she can go home and do a little research on her own.

And remember to pray for her understanding, especially right before you talk with her!:gopray:
 
Just wondering… Is your friend against the idea of adopting a baby?
 
I’m not sure how they feel about adoption. I’ve never heard her mention it. It’s sad…I personally know 4 separate couples all trying IVF right now (only the one couple is Catholic) It is very difficult to hear them talk about it without saying something.:mad: But for the ones who aren’t Catholic, I feel like I don’t have much ground to stand on.
 
sydney28 said:
I’m not sure how they feel about adoption. I’ve never heard her mention it. It’s sad…I personally know 4 separate couples all trying IVF right now (only the one couple is Catholic) It is very difficult to hear them talk about it without saying something.:mad: But for the ones who aren’t Catholic, I feel like I don’t have much ground to stand on.
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They may not be open to all the ethical and medical reasons not to use IVF right now, but maybe if someone talked about a non-invasive, prolife alternative like adoption, it would plant a seed for later.
 
My best friend and her husband (both practicing Catholics) were experiencing infertility and were desperate for a child. She suffered colon cancer and was in remission and he had testicular cancer and was about to undergo radiation which would render him sterile. They decided to go ahead with IVF which they were told would only be one chance because of her husbands upcoming radiation. I knew the Chruches teaching on IVF and when I brought it up…she told me she spoke to her priest who said it was perfectly fine for her to have the IVF and that it wasn’t a sin. I was very surprised…but at that time, I wasn’t sure if arguing with a priest who gave her all this hope and the green light would go over well. They even had their Church praying for the success of the IVF.
It was successful…out of the 5 embro’s implanted…1 took and they had a beautiful baby girl.
Unfortunately, my friend’s cancer came back shortly after the birth of her baby. I was always terrified that all those hormone shots and a pregnancy could trigger her cancer again. She was so happy to be a Mom I know she didn’t regret the decsion.
She is under chemo and radiation…her prognosis is good…but her cancer is incurable.

I feel like I am somehow in sin now. Like I aided in a sin because I didn’t speak out against it. I honestly didn’t because her priest told her it was ok. What do you do when a priest gives a green light?? I am fearful now that my friends wouldn’t think to even confess this sin because to them…it wasn’t! They are such good people who have suffered so much. I pray that they won’t be held accountible for their decision. I also can’t help but wonder if God made them infertile for a reason…like He knew if she was to become pregnant, her cancer would return. I am not saying I know what God knows…but I wonder. God have mercy on us all!
 
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