What to do about my lesbian sister

[Lead_Me_Home]

To start my question I must give you some background; to start I am what one mite call a closet catholic. I am too young to convert on my own (until I graduate) so although my religious views and practices (like prayer) are catholic I am not a member or in full communion with the church. This is not my big problem however. My problem is my sister. She keeps giving us (my family) emails about how she’s gay and how we don’t love her and all of these other rationalizations she has for her life style. The fact that she is in this life style bothers me but not as much as the way she uses email and other things to deliberately hurt us. I will never except her life style but I will always love her even though she tries to push us further and further trying to see how much we can take. After almost a year she finally sends me an email telling me about how she’s gay and she tries to “pretty” up about how she communicates to us. She rationalizes that writing is easier for her. I have not responded yet. She uses us basically when she needs money and then pushes us away to rebel. The people she has hurt the most though has been my grandparents.

She trys to rationalize that i was the last person she told because I mean so much to her. I think this is cowardice. She can not stand and look any one in the eye and say this stuff. (Maybe this is because its wrong)

What should I write to her. I want to make it completely clear that I will never except this life style and that I will never lose hope for her conversion. I also don’t want her to try to push us out more or be more self destructive. My mother told me that she is angry with us now in her emails. I really want to give a loving yet firm message.

 

[Lerin]

I don’t see any need to immediately respond to the email. In my personal experience, taking a step back and praying a LOT and sleeping on it helps me to cool my emotions and respond in the most loving way possible.

Don’t forget that she is your sister and needs your love. This does NOT mean that you accept her lifestyle, but that you continue to love her and pray for her. I’m glad youaren’t losing hope for her conversion.

I don’t know what the proper response is, if any such thing exists. Just makes sure that when you do write to her, you show her love without saying that you agree with her choices. Only you know what is in your heart and what you want and need to say.

I am a convert as well, came into the Church when I was 20 without support of my family, but it was the best decision of my life. Bless you!!!

 

[pentecostbaby]

First, tell her you love her. That doesn’t change, no matter what her behavior.

I also have a gay sister. She was about 17 when she came out; she is still practicing “the lifestyle” and lives with her girlfriend in New England. In order to understand her, you have to understand the tremendous pressure she’s under.

Basically, our society tells everyone that they have the right to have sex whenever they want with whomever they want (as long as the other person is consenting). Because of this, people who are attracted to others of the same sex believe that if they don’t live out their desires, they are somehow “repressed”, “in the closet”, or “in denial”. Society tells your sister that if she doesn’t act on her desires, she is concealing her real self and lying to everyone all the time. Sexuality is seen as the end-all and be-all. If she doesn’t live the homosexual lifestyle, she’s viewed as a traitor to herself and to her “gay brothers and sisters”.

Those of us who are Catholic are able to see this all for the great lie that it is - the same lie that tells teenagers if they aren’t having sex, they’re ridiculous prudes. Your sister is under societal pressures that tells her that, if she wants to be true to herself and have an authentic relationship with those she cares about, she needs to “accept her sexuality” and “come out of the closet”.

I haven’t come up with a good solution, or a good way to confront it. I am not gifted in that regard - I struggle every time I see my sister and my gay friends. I want them to know that I love them, and I don’t want to alienate them; I don’t want to play into the stereotype of religious people as intolerant and hateful. However, I don’t want them to continue in their sin. I will be watching this thread in hopes that it will offer me a way to talk to my sister as well.

The most I’ve ever done is this: I mentioned to my sis that I was sad she couldn’t be a godparent for any of my husband’s and my future children (this came up naturally in the conversation). I explained that our priest required godparents to be Catholics in good standing, and she didn’t go to Church. She got very, very angry and hung up on me.

Now, I just stick to prayer.

 

[Island_Oak]

I’m not sure how old you and your sister are, or how far apart in age, but I would suggest you focus on building your relationship with each other as opposed to commenting on her lifestyle choices and religious practice/lack thereof.

Your sister sounds as if she is going through a very confused time in her life. She clearly wants contact w/ the family b/c she keeps reaching out, BUT she also is wedded to rebelling in a very confrontational way.

Were I you, I’d keep the conversations light, pleasant and steer clear of her sexual practices and religion. I say this not to make your communications meaningless or trivial, but to remove the bait she is throwing out to engage in argument with you and other family members. Encourage her in her other endeavors-be it work, school, athletics, etc. Let her know you miss her, love her and want her to know she can lean on you and trust you. You’ll never have her trust if you start out by identifying barriers to the relationship or your disapproval of her choices.

Keep in mind your role as a sister is completely different from that of a parent. You can offer support, positive interaction, humor, empathy and most of all to be a willing listener who’s able to withhold harsh judgments or criticism.

At some point she may abandon this experiment with same-sex attraction. Or she may not. Either way she is and always will be your sister. You really have a duty to treat her lovingly even if you can’t abide all her choices. Of course keep praying for wisdom, patience and some peace of mind for everyone in your family.

 

[Lead_Me_Home]

I just have to clarify Island Oak. I am the younger brother and that is my sister. I do love her and I don’t go about judging her really I understand we are all sinners before I started my conversion I struggled for a brief period with the mortal sins of masturbation and pornography. That was one of my reasons for being attracted to the Catholic Church; The Church lovingly yet firmly tells you when something is wrong. What I was taught at my secular school was do what you want to in your own privacy and protestant sites weren’t much more helpful. I just can’t rest with her never changing at for me to see that as ok. If it be God’s will for her not to come
to The Church I’ll have to except that but that will probably be on the day of judgement. That is how long I am willing to wait. To me with each breath she takes there is still hope for conversion and even when she dies I’ll still pray for God to have mercy on her.

The reason I am not willing to except this at al is because when I look at mortal sin I see the consequences HELL if I can be so boldly honest. I will always love her but and be willing to help her when she has no one else. I understand that I’m not angry or bitter just saddened almost like mourning. So I don’t think I’ll ever settle for this I think she is capable of so much more. Like Fr. Corapi says you weren’t made for sin but for Heaven.

 

[Lerin]

It is REALLY painful to watch a ibling living in mortal sin, and knowing you can’t convince them to turn to God and away from that sin.

But you are doing everything you can by maintaining hope and praying! There is always hope.

Again, I don’t know what you “should” say. I don’t know that I would avoid the subject completely… after all, only so long can that go on before you or she explode! Ignoring it won’t help. Maybe you could say something to the effect of, your choices really grieve me and I am praying for you. I still want to be your brother and your friend, but please don’t expect me to accept this part of your life. Make sense? Again, I don’t know if you should say that or not, that’s just one way to go about it.