What to do about my mother

[gam3rchic]

Ok, I’ve posted about my mom before when DH and I were moving and she went totally crazy about it: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=165846

Our relationship since has been rocky, at best. Last time I was up in the area visiting my older sister and her hubby, I told my mom I would be over to visit at some point during my visit, most likely on Sunday. I drove up Friday afternoon, going shopping with my sister on Saturday and so I told her on Sunday was when I would most likely see her. Usually on Sunday I eat lunch with them, but since my sister had bought some special food for us while we were out shopping on Saturday, I ate lunch with her instead. I called my dad and told him that I would be over after lunch then for a couple hours before I had to drive back.

Well, that didn’t sit well with my mom obviously. She had my dad call me back and tell me, and this is a quote, “don’t come over until you are ready to spend some serious time with me.” So basically, my own mother didn’t want to see me

I’m so angry and saddened at the same time. She did this to my older sister as well when she moved out and tried to make her life miserable by cutting off all contact with her for YEARS! She has started talking to her again, but it’s now DH and I that are in the dog house, I guess:shrug:

Oh well, I guess if she doesn’t wanna talk to me for years that should be ok. I’m just sad for my younger siblings that still lives at home, especially my teenage younger sister who looks up to me. She was heart-broken when she didn’t talk to our older sister for years and now she might not be able to talk to me now either!

I guess I’m just looking for advice. I just wasn’t gonna talk to my mom until she talks to me…being that she basically said I wasn’t welcome in her house last time I was there. Also, would it be cruel for me NOT to buy something for her for mother’s day??? Some of my friends seem appalled I don’t want to get her something, but she has all but disowned me! This happened like a month ago and she hasn’t said a word to me since. Heck, she didn’t even have the guts to tell me not to come over herself, she had to have my dad do it (my dad is very weak-willed, so I knew the words came out of my mother, but she made my dad deliver the message).

If no advice, then please just pray for me and my family. God knows we need it!

 

[mom4truth]

Oh boy! That’s a tough one. I feel very badly for you that your mother is treating you this way. However, I think I would still get her a Mother’s Day gift. Even if she doesn’t like ir or appreciate it, you will know that you’ve done everything you can to be kind even when kindness wasn’t returned. I know it’s hard. But it’s even harder to keep being mad. It takes a lot of energy. I didn’t read your other posts about your Mom, so I don’t know the whole situation. It sounds like your Mom needs prayer most of all. So - prayers going up for her! Hang in there! God bless!** **

 

[Belle10]

I think you should do all you can to see your sister who still lives at home. Also, maybe it’s time for a straightforward conversation with your mother about everything (I didn’t read the other thread, so sorry if you’ve already tried this.) It seems strange that getting married and moving out to begin your own family is something she doesn’t want you to do…

Praying for your family. :hug1:

 

[BlestOne]

There is this psychological principle that says that if 2 people are close and one is leaving… even if temporary… one or both will pick a fight because it is easier to leave and/or let go of someone when you are mad at them… what you are describing is screaming this… especially if you saw it happen with your sister!

Buy her a nice gift… send a nice card…

and next time… spend the whole day with mom not just a few hours… it will make her happy!

 

[mom4truth]

BlestOne:

That makes a lot of sense! AND - you offered good advice. Hopefully, OP will be able to do this! Prayers going out to her and to you!

 

[Shiann]

I agree with BlestOne. Even though mom is not acting very wise, I think her ‘heart’ is not in a malicious place (she obviously doesn’t like letting go of her family).

Mom is making bad decisions on how to handle her fears/sadness/ etc, and obviously didn’t learn anything from first daughter.

Honor your mom. Call her, send a nice gift and card, and make a normal effort to stay in touch and see her. Try not to react in anyway other than merciful and compassionate, but you need not bend to her will or be a doormat. You have married and now cleave to your husband .

Good luck on DH job!

:hug1:

 

[1ke]

Well, that didn’t sit well with my mom obviously. She had my dad call me back and tell me, and this is a quote, “don’t come over until you are ready to spend some serious time with me.” So basically, my own mother didn’t want to see me

Oh well, I guess if she doesn’t wanna talk to me for years that should be ok. I’m just sad for my younger siblings that still lives at home, especially my teenage younger sister who looks up to me. ** She was heart-broken when she didn’t talk to our older sister for years and now she might not be able to talk to me now either! :**mad:

Ok, here’s the deal. Your mom can be a childish brat, but i would NOT let it interfere with my relationship with the others. Personally, I would have gone over anyway and spent time with everyone else. If she would have DARED to make that smart *ss remark to me, I would have responded “who said I was here to see you? There are other people in this house too.” Clearly your mother thinks it’s all about her, and no one has disabused her of the notion yet. The message is: go pout in your room, mom, everyone else here is interested in being adults.

I guess I’m just looking for advice. I just wasn’t gonna talk to my mom until she talks to me…being that she basically said I wasn’t welcome in her house last time I was there.

You are letting her control you and your behavior. I’d just go about my business as if nothing were wrong at all. I would show up when I normally would, do what I normally would, and ignore any outbursts.

Also, would it be cruel for me NOT to buy something for her for mother’s day???

What do you normally do? I typically send a card, I don’t typically send a gift-- although sometimes I send flowers.

Heck, she didn’t even have the guts to tell me not to come over herself, she had to have my dad do it (my dad is very weak-willed, so I knew the words came out of my mother, but she made my dad deliver the message).

Yes, and you and your family members have to own your part in her bad behavior. Your dad should not have taken the role he did, your siblings should not enable her, and neither should you.

 

[forgiveall]

1Ke, bad advise sorry, but that is bad advise, too spiteful

I have a Mother almost exactly like yours. But then when I became a single parent I knew how hard it was to let go and let free is. It’s really hard being a parent and watching your kids grow up knowing that someday they will leave you for another life. I still my child being 10 dread the day. Sometimes my child doesn’t want to spend time with me and I get upset, but then I have to remember how it was when I wanted freedom as a child growing up.

Go to your Mom, reconcile with her, tell her that even though you don’t spend time with her doesn’t mean that you have forgotten her or stopped loving her. Life is too short, to stay mad with each other. You don’t know that day or hour of either of your departures from this earth. Don’t let it be too late. Humility brings us closer to God and helps us to forgive. Read Mother Teresa’s quote on the bottom of this reply.

God Bless all you do in the name of Jesus

 

[1ke]

1Ke, bad advise sorry, but that is bad advise, too spiteful

Spiteful? Hardly.

The OP’s other posts shed a lot of light on her mother’s controlling and manipulative behavior. Living your life and visiting your own relatives is not being spiteful.

Go to your Mom, reconcile with her, tell her that even though you don’t spend time with her doesn’t mean that you have forgotten her or stopped loving her. Life is too short, to stay mad with each other. You don’t know that day or hour of either of your departures from this earth. Don’t let it be too late. Humility brings us closer to God and helps us to forgive. Read Mother Teresa’s quote on the bottom of this reply.

God Bless all you do in the name of Jesus

Perhaps I wasn’t clear. I was not advocating staying mad, exactly the opposite-- move on, forgive and forget, but at the same time don’t stay away or change the relationship with others because Mom continues being a big baby.

The OP has stated in her other posts that she has tried to reconcile with Mom but she refuses and continues with the silent treatment/refusal to talk/etc.

If Mom continues, the OP should not feel she cannot go visit her family, and the family should not enable Mom’s bad behavior.

 

[blossom02]

Moms can be very hurt when they are not first on the list. Don’t blame her it only means that she loved you first for many years. She gave up much of her life for you and misses you so much that she is not in control of her emotions. Try to help your mom through this, don’t make it worse by not going to see her. Go see her any way and take her that mothers day gift.

 

[danimay]

Sounds like your mother is dealing with real hurt…just really go about expressing it in an inappropriate way…kinda like cutting off her nose to spite her face. She sounds like my grandmother…it’s all about her…and how everything effects her…a very controlling, selfish woman.

That said, I would hate it, if my kids moved far away and then came to town for several days and only came to see me for a couple of hours before they left. It would be heartbreaking.

I’d send her a card or some flowers, or something. Then, you’ve made an effort, without having to deal with the attitude. If you don’t do anything, you may never live it down!

 

[royal_archer]

It sounds like a power struggle to me. Mom wants to dictate that you spend more time with her and is “punnishing” you for not doing her will. From what you say, your mom’s reaction does sound a bit childish. I say that because It sounds similar to something my kids would do. When they don’t like something I have to say they try going to the opposite extreme to make a point. With that in mind I reccomend you be calm so as not to escalate the situation, appologetic so you can show her you did not intend to upset her, but firm so you can establish that it is your decision if you want to spend more time with her or not.

My mom definately has a Type A personality and can get to be a bit overwhelming. It is out of love but still can cause stress. I found that it is better to choose my battles and go into those battles prepared. I think your mom was upset when you changed your plans to spend time with her. Next time you may find it easier to let her know what your plans are up front, ask her if those plans work with her schedule, and then stick to those plans. I found that works much better with my Mom.

 

[gam3rchic]

Ok, as 1ke points out (i understand if you didn’t want to read my earlier post, it’s long!) but my mom is VERY manipulative and controlling. When I originally told her I was moving out she called me a back-stabber, a liar, and told me to get out then too! I only live 3 1/2 hours away so it’s not like I don’t come up there often. I usually visit every 4-6 weeks and I would call her about once a week at least. This was the FIRST TIME during a visit that I didn’t spend the whole time with her. My sister and I arranged this visit to spend time with EACH OTHER to catch up (I hadn’t talked to my sister as well for years, but since had reconciled and wanted to spend time with her) and told my mom I would be over on Sunday. The only thing that changed was that I couldn’t come over for lunch, and I told them this well ahead of time so they wouldn’t prepare any extra food for DH and me.

Honestly, usually all I do when I visit my mom she talks to me for about an hour or two then the WHOLE REST OF THE VISIT SHE IGNORES ME! She won’t even acknowledge DH at all!!! She thinks he “took me away from her”. She goes about her daily life and rarely acknowledges me at all. I basically was just going all those times to see my siblings, but it’s her house, and if she says I can’t come over, then I can’t come over to keep in touch with my younger siblings. They are the ones I’ve been doing this for all this time anyways, not for my selfish mom.

I’m sorry, I realize all you moms out there feel for my mom b/c you are mothers as well, but she has unhealthy control and attachment to all her children. If you glance at my earlier post, you will get a feel for this. She basically put me on the biggest guilt trip of my life when I was moving.

Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to get her anything for mother’s day. I’ve been bending over backwards FOR YEARS for this woman to keep things smooth, and I’m tired of it! She won’t talk to me, whenever she’s mad she has someone else call me, so an adult conversation is out and she won’t let me into her house so I can’t go in. We used to be so close, but now I’m seeing an uglier side to her I never knew existed. She did terrible things to my older sister for years as well that I’m just finding out now.

In hindsight, I’m glad I moved and have no regrets. My relationship with DH is stronger than ever now that my mom has no more influence in my life. I can’t even bring myself to send her a card…i would be lying if I sent her a card that says I’m wishing her a happy mother’s day b/c personally, I’m not.

Sorry for rambling, I know I need to forgive this woman, but she likes to make others miserable when they make her mad. She did that to my sister for years and now it’s my turn, I feel.

 

[danimay]

I’m sorry, I realize all you moms out there feel for my mom b/c you are mothers as well.

Yeah, I do feel for a mother who has a bad relationship with her child. I can’t imagine how painful it would be for one of my own kids to feel about me the way you do about your mom.

I also feel for a daughter who has to deal with the kind of things your mom is dishing out. I did recommend that you send her a card, because not acknowledging her on Mother’s Day will just give her another opportunity to make a scene and play the victim. Just thought a card might keep the peace, for your sake. Most people aren’t willing to go the route I did with my mom. We haven’t spoken in well over two years.

 

[kesa82]

The OP puzzles me, and some of the replies really puzzle me.

• apparently your mother objected to your marriage ?
• apparently your mother did not give you leave to go.?

Apparently the answer was a catagorical no, you did what you pleased anyway. And you got what you wanted. Repeat : You got what you wanted. Is this not so ? Sorry , but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Granted, to be honest it does sound like your mother is a stubborn control freak, but so do you. And 10,000 people taking your side doesn’t change the fact. All that means is that you won a popularity contest.
Sorry if this sounds uncharitable , but I would be the first to admit that I don’t even know you.

 

[Shiann]

Honor thy father and thy mother… (not just when she’s being nice).

At least get her a card. Be the better person gam3rchick! She can’t control you anymore, and her manipulations are falling short. Don’t let her make you spiteful.

 

[gam3rchic]

The OP puzzles me, and some of the replies really puzzle me.

• apparently your mother objected to your marriage ?
• apparently your mother did not give you leave to go.?

Apparently the answer was a catagorical no, you did what you pleased anyway. And you got what you wanted. Repeat : You got what you wanted. Is this not so ? Sorry , but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Granted, to be honest it does sound like your mother is a stubborn control freak, but so do you. And 10,000 people taking your side doesn’t change the fact. All that means is that you won a popularity contest.
Sorry if this sounds uncharitable , but I would be the first to admit that I don’t even know you.

Ok, I not only find this not helpful, but offensive. The depth of this situations goes way further than what I was able to explain here. I will try to address your post one point at a time.

No, my mom didn’t object to my marriage, she gave me her blessing on it. She now disapproves of DH b/c we moved to Dayton so DH could have a better job and actually make some money. We are originally from Youngstown, which is a very economically-depressed area with lots a crime. It’s a horrible place to start a life and raise children in.

Also, I do not understand why my mom would have to give me “leave to go”??? I’m a grown woman and can make my own decisions. If I want to get married and go, that’s my right!!! I didn’t do “what pleases me”, I did what normal people do…I date, get engaged with parent’s blessing, got married and moved out to start a life on my own.

Ok, and I may be stubborn, but I’m definitely not a control-freak, I guarantee you that. When my mom wasn’t speaking to my older sister and things were rocky at home, I bent over backwards (and so did my DH, who i was dating at the time) to please my family, particularly my mom. You see, my mom stopped talking to my older sister as well b/c she had moved out too and so my mom was upset at me dating someone that I would probably end up marrying and moving out with as well. I did SO MUCH to please her. My sister always tells me I was a doormat for my mother, and I probably was, but I did it FOR THE SAKE OF MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS. I’m not selfish or controlling, I truly love my younger siblings and it is for them I am struggling to keep the peace with my mom and them alone.

I’m sorry, but you even said you don’t know me, so don’t presume stuff about me and my life. I feel insulted because for years I’ve tried so hard to make this work. And trust me, I never win any popularity contests. And that’s not the reason I come here. People here at these forums have good advice about handling difficult situations, I wanted a place to get advice and also vent a little bit.

Also, I did not get what I wanted, how can you say such a horrible thing??? I’m suffering so badly from this, I have disturbing dreams at night about this. My mom and I used to be best of friends, and now she won’t speak to me or see me in her own house. Oh yeah, I’m having my cake and I’m eating it all :dts:

 

[gam3rchic]

Honor thy father and thy mother… (not just when she’s being nice).

At least get her a card. Be the better person gam3rchick! She can’t control you anymore, and her manipulations are falling short. Don’t let her make you spiteful.

I hear you Shiann. I think I will send her a card at least. It’s just so hard when someone has stabbed you in the back to not fall into the “spiteful” category

 

[mom4truth]

gam3chic:

I hear ya! BUT - Jeus said it’s easy to love those who love you, but not as easy to love those who don’t love you back (paraphrasing of course). I can tell you’re the bigger person, so send that card and gift. You won’t regret it.

 

[mamacita]

There is this psychological principle that says that if 2 people are close and one is leaving… even if temporary… one or both will pick a fight because it is easier to leave and/or let go of someone when you are mad at them… what you are describing is screaming this… especially if you saw it happen with your sister!

Buy her a nice gift… send a nice card…

and next time… spend the whole day with mom not just a few hours… it will make her happy!

Okay, this explains my mom all too well!! She was this way when I married MM. She even went so far as to call the priest that we were doing marriage prep with and told him NOT to marry us!! She was that insane. She also never once congratulated me on the engagement, instead said some very hurtful words, and then bought me a card and wrote in it, “I will be praying for you” but when she writes stuff like that it’s not as in a ‘nice’ praying for you, but instead like a slap in the face kinda way w/ sarcasm attached. KWIM?

I was her little slave at home as DH calls it. I was the oldest girl and the 3rd child of 9. I was expected to babysit, taxicab the kids around, and clean like mad before I was even allowed to see DH (mind you I was 23 at the time and she was still trying to ‘ground me’ ) However my sisters ages 23 and 25 live there now and don’t lift a finger. She now has a cleaning lady. And she LOVES both of their boyfriends . I think a lot had to do w/ me being the oldest and having to break her in so to speak but she went wayyyy tooo far. There’s a lot more to it, as in things she said about DH, and her trying to force me to work for her at her restaurant for a small hourly wage (but she always gave me ultimatums like, “if you don’t work for me, you can’t live here” Well when you are making $6.25 an hour it’s kinda hard to move out and get your own place. Not to mention I was a single mother on top of it. Things are better now, not great but better. She never babysits our kids out of spite. However she will watch my brother’s 4 kids, no rhyme or reason from her as to why. So there are still issues that need resolving but little by little I think she might turn around. I pray that she does. She has always really pushed me around so to speak.

And yes, I would buy your mom a card at least. AND maybe write your thoughts down in the card. ??? Be the bigger person, that’s what I have had to remember all these years w/ my mom.

Okay that’s the end of my rant, but Gam, you aren’t alone in having a mother like this.